This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 27, 2018
I'm deleting old tweets and can't believe anyone didn't reprimand me for the one about my therapist having 6 yr old magazines in the waiting room so I wouldn't feel like the only one holding on to old issues.😬— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 22, 2018
Twitter is the website where everyone I've ever heard of gets fired or arrested except the guy that I'm really hoping gets fired or arrested.— Daniel Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) July 21, 2018
there is a mango in our lost and found.— Comedy Bar (@comedybar) July 21, 2018
Maggie Haberman:— Jake (@Care2much18) July 22, 2018
Where are people getting the impression she is an access journalist and Trump shill?
Let's take a closer look.
Pro-Life Activists: "Women who get pregnant are irresponsible sluts. They should definitely become mothers."— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) July 22, 2018
lol come on pic.twitter.com/9WpJRRrXq3— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) July 23, 2018
"Ahhh fuck" - me realizing tonight is the fun concert I excitedly bought tickets for— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) July 23, 2018
I'm not sure about this new Twitter slogan pic.twitter.com/2ukYTj26U1— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) July 23, 2018
in my most recent job interview my interviewer goes "so i saw something i wanted to talk to you about...." and paused for a long time and my stomach dropped and i really believed in that moment that she found my tweets about wanting to fuck the duolingo owl— shell (@neichelle) July 24, 2018
I cancelled an appointment today, after I asked why Foxnews was playing in the waiting room, Secretary rolled her eyes and said, that's all the Doctor will allow us to put on. I just found another Doctor, I can't trust his judgement and said so. #Resist— Frederick987 (@Frederick987) July 23, 2018
a white lady asking my indian aunt about arranged marriage—— jas. (@yungcheeesecake) July 23, 2018
her: how could you marry a man before knowing him?
my aunt: how could you marry a man AFTER knowing him?
A man threatened a foreign power on Twitter in all caps because he was in a bad mood, but please tell me more about how women are too emotionally volatile to handle our shit.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 23, 2018
[holding my new born son]— cory (@_coryrichardson) July 24, 2018
me: he's beautiful
doctor: we're gonna have to give him some shots
me: oh hell yeah pour up it's his fucking birthday
Batman: I must save this city.— anti power caller (@QGotNoRings) July 24, 2018
Alfred: Well you're a billionaire so maybe redistr-
Batman: This bat suit is the only way.
I had a lot of fun watching Meghan McCain completely melt down at the thought of Democratic Socialists coming for her inherited wealth pic.twitter.com/IFBkTKL4K6— 𝕕𝕠𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕪 (@dorseyshaw) July 24, 2018
Now, farmers are getting the full Stormy Daniels treatment - Trump screwed them and now he's paying them off. https://t.co/gmdSmIC0Ah— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) July 25, 2018
if Obama was president and a tape existed of him telling lawyer to pay off his mistress in cash the GOP would have repealed the Emancipation Proclamation by now— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) July 25, 2018
I love Sleater-Kinney pic.twitter.com/OhBbVpx54Z— allyson roche (@allyroche) July 24, 2018
Next we're going to get an audio tape of Trump actually having sex, and he's gonna deny it by saying it could just be someone throwing mashed potatoes at a bean bag chair while a St. Bernard has an asthma attack— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 25, 2018
me opening the same app i just closed https://t.co/ttFbf1Qb5p— josh (@yunginstitution) July 25, 2018
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED PUNK ASS BITCH https://t.co/oZNGUOpqaC— The Real Elon Musk (@KaeStrain) July 26, 2018
Grant me the serenity to not read the comments, the courage to not read the comments, and the wisdom to not read the comments.— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 26, 2018
Relax everybody, this whole Grimes/Musk thing is just phase 3 of Arcade Fire's Everything Now promo campaign.— Stuart Berman (@stuberman) July 26, 2018
I saw this news article about Brad Pitt and now I can't stop thinking about it. pic.twitter.com/OytJQD5rli— Sarah McGonagall (@sarahmcgbeauty) July 26, 2018
"On second thought Waiter I think I will have dessert. " https://t.co/QJRBF8YZnp— Scott Thompson (@ScottThompson_) July 27, 2018
My pitch for the new Frasier series: "It's called 'Lilith'."— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) July 26, 2018
"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"— Micro Flash Fiction (@MicroFlashFic) July 26, 2018
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"
RT if you already knew Doug Ford's premiership was about getting revenge on Toronto but you didn't think he was going to go for a Mortal Kombat finishing move so early on— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) July 27, 2018
Mental how the objective of golf is to play as little golf as possible— steve (@Steve_THFC) July 26, 2018
Rudy: My client's long-time lawyer and confidante is not credible because he has spent so many years lying on behalf of my client, who is credible.— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) July 27, 2018
Last night I was at a party where the DJ played Ignition and everybody on the dance floor BOOED HIM UNTIL HE CHANGED IT— Jon Blair (@okjonblair) July 26, 2018
Just got back on twitter and found new stories that Cohen says Trump knew about the Trump Tower meeting IN ADVANCE, Junior lied about it under oath (which means jail time), and 3 new hush payments to mistresses have come to light, one who was PREGNANT.— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) July 27, 2018
Guys, I was gone 3 HOURS.
I just saw a guy in his 50s vaping which felt kind of like seeing a baby use Microsoft Excel.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 27, 2018
Here's Rudy Giuliani on May 6, 2018, saying Michael Cohen "is an honest, honorable lawyer."— Caroline O. (@RVAwonk) July 27, 2018
(Last night, Giuliani told @ChrisCuomo that Michael Cohen is a "pathological liar" who can't be trusted.) pic.twitter.com/PBZTkujgDX