It's me Margaret, Emmanuel don't do it, butter noodles and nuggets, TVs too high subreddit, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

July 15

Holy crap this is wonderful pic.twitter.com/kSUiQd0XQP
— David (@p4ndr_) July 15, 2022

Just a little something to take the edge off pic.twitter.com/BvM1Sc0lzZ
— QUEEN OF STAINS (@StainsQueen) July 15, 2022

every time I'm really drunk in Canada I think "what would Our Lady Peace do?" or "what would I Mother Earth do?"
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) July 16, 2022

Hey if tacos can totally fall apart and still be amazing so can you
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) July 15, 2022

"really? with the dragon?" pic.twitter.com/FVq3Dl2VGD
— weird medieval guys (@WeirdMedieval) July 15, 2022

My favorite art style is Vasectomy Brochure. pic.twitter.com/2Emn7M4JOv
— Johnny (@JohnnyFrittata) July 15, 2022

Marvel comics has peaked with this one. pic.twitter.com/Cza3ev7UE2
— THORLAWYER (@ThorLawyer) July 15, 2022

Me buying books: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me moving books: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
— brian (@andrebazinga) July 15, 2022

July 16

every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) July 16, 2022

Voice actor: I am transforming into another person. I am twisting and bending my diaphragm, lungs, and mouth until I become someone of a completely different creature. I will breathe life into the dancing lights on your screen

Celebrity Voice actor: hey it's me wassup
— Melo (@LetItMelo) July 16, 2022

My dad bought an old tv and gutted it to turn it into a cat bed 😭🥺 pic.twitter.com/riGjC75jss
— Audrey 🚨KS vote NO August 2nd🚨 (@biggestweiner) July 16, 2022

Very crisp image. I can practically see the institute where I studied how to be stupider https://t.co/MN9WXkBXSj
— Cameron Bradford (@camerobradford) July 16, 2022

Nathan Fielder is a great example of why we need to give weird people multimillion dollar budgets for their bizarre creative projects
— Lolo (@LolOverruled) July 17, 2022

Cant seem to sleep. Let's see if the bright light of my phone containing all the information in the entire world held inches away from my face for the next 15 minutes manages to lull me into a peaceful slumber.
— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) July 16, 2022

(At a brewery) nice, nice. And will this taste fucking weird and insane?
— Nathan Hare (@nathanharenice) July 16, 2022

it took three weeks from overturning roe to arguing that actually it's okay for a 5th grader to be pregnant
— Marisa Kabas (@MarisaKabas) July 17, 2022

a friend who used to work at medieval times has confirmed to me what we've all always hoped and known deep in our hearts to be true: absolutely everyone working there is constantly fuckin and suckin each other
— huffy (@sulkingtime) July 16, 2022

YOUNG PEOPLE: heres some slightly different language you can use to be more inclusive

OLD PEOPLE: we are going to burn the entire earth to the ground
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 16, 2022

This is NOT the same heat Mozart was wearing them wigs in
— jerrell jackson (@datbassjawn) July 16, 2022

Oh but I must cycle to work , use paper straws, limit beef consumption in order to reduce my carbon footprint? https://t.co/suuIHUOK1v
— Chøks. (@TheFairerOan) July 16, 2022

the January 6 trials are dark but subtly hilarious pic.twitter.com/kP2DY94PMp
— Jake Eberts (@jeeeberts) July 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/1NEJSLpehi
— 🄼🅈 🅆🄷🄴🄴🄻🄷🄾🅄🅂🄴 (@mywheelhouseftw) July 17, 2022

 
July 17

Pissing in a bag, freezing the bag and having frozen piss bag fights. pic.twitter.com/hOlvtmc4BI
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) July 17, 2022

Dogshit - Very poor quality
Bullshit - Not true
Horseshit - Nonsense
Apeshit - Rambunctious
Batshit - Insane

This is an excellent feature of English that we should continue building upon.
— Lacquerware (@lacquerleaks) July 18, 2022

Top 5 Worst Punk Sitcoms:

5. Blackish Flag
4. Everybody Loves Ramones
3. Green Acres Day
2. Head of the Clash
1. Hüsker Dügie Howser, M.D.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) July 17, 2022

she must not have been from too small a town if they had a midnight train going anywhere
— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) July 17, 2022

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall pic.twitter.com/enSamf8win
— Washington Post TikTok Guy 👴🏼 (@davejorgenson) July 18, 2022

People who eat Twizzlers scare me. Like you're really just sitting there enjoying flavored HDMI cords?
— Gwendalupe Estefani (@Notdojaaa) July 17, 2022

Someday, God willing, I will attend my children's weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 17, 2022

The fuck is this? pic.twitter.com/bjdkin77iC
— iamyesyouareno (@iamyesyouareno) July 17, 2022

One more reinfection bro. We'll have herd immunity soon just please one more reinfection. It'll be mild and then we'll all be immune bro I swear just one more reinfection bro. Just one more bro I swear it'll all be good just one more bro I swear just one more reinfection bro https://t.co/VZ6AMOKaDR
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) July 17, 2022

bro got hit with the counter attack pic.twitter.com/OgdJQFBTxr
— bobby wasabi (@bobbyteriyaki) July 17, 2022

This will always crack me tf up pic.twitter.com/keO2A0nUjy
— linz (@LlNZH0E) July 17, 2022

this is an actual video of Ben Shapiro in his first year of law school pic.twitter.com/wps3Y2TNEr
— 𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕠 🐬👽 (@pinkopog) July 17, 2022

The only thing this proves is that women are harassed on a daily basis and don't trust a male stranger approaching them out of nowhere. https://t.co/apG7Wuifc4
— kaya (@bluxhan) July 17, 2022

For all the 'when Boomers die out racism will not exist & things will be better" crowd. pic.twitter.com/DkBtamFqL6
— Axel Folio, PhD, "woke viper in the academy" (@ISASaxonists) July 17, 2022

What If The Big Bang Was God's Gun Going Of In His Mouth
— Take care yall (@Ac0gMaster) July 17, 2022

Okay fuck marry kill: diversity, equity, inclusion
— Clarke (@pleasuresystems) July 17, 2022

My tiny son and me vibing over a cig pic.twitter.com/x1qNOiSyrD
— GummyFredo™ (@GummyFredo) July 18, 2022

Fatalities from texting and driving in 1960 pic.twitter.com/2vtjNTaQvu
— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) July 17, 2022

 
July 18

Fantastic... now the worms have van technology https://t.co/gsebmvTEkv
— Cameron Bradford (@camerobradford) July 19, 2022

As London hits 40C and wildfires burn in Spain / Portugal, I'm thinking about how celebrities take 15 minute flights in their private jets. pic.twitter.com/IoHHtvJtjp
— Gary McQuiggin (@ggaaarrryyyy) July 18, 2022

This heat made me realise hell ain't for me. Imma be on my best behaviour from tomorrow
— 🍁 (@e__428) July 18, 2022

if you're hot, they're hot. bring them inside pic.twitter.com/6pD4hm6RCQ
— 🌙 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚑 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚓𝚞𝚞𝚕 (@alohacatss) July 19, 2022

Hi, Indian here! I've grown up with a lot of hot summers so here's my top tips for surviving the hot weather (🧵)
— kav (@Kav_Kaushik) July 18, 2022

i don't like having 2 plagues and no healthcare. i should have 0 plagues and 2 healthcare
— Bugs Maytrix (Now on OF 💗🖤💗) (@bugsmaytrix) July 18, 2022

This website is free pic.twitter.com/TWUmJctM63
— Tom (@TheWellDrinker) July 18, 2022

pic.twitter.com/qmh165eSAK
— Iva Dixit (@ivadixit) July 18, 2022

you ever have a friend become a doctor and are like "oh no...are doctors dumb"
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) July 18, 2022

"His whole educational status has been a scam." pic.twitter.com/Zgse9B8jCg
— Scout Tafoya (@Honors_Zombie) July 19, 2022

My mum busted a cyber crimer pic.twitter.com/NbQdslPYvo
— matty hutson (@MattHutson) July 18, 2022

Air fryers are so funny cause it's like. That's an oven
— alicia (@nerdjpg) July 18, 2022

The cashier when I press "no tip" after all they did was spin the iPad around pic.twitter.com/eho23XO1Xb
— 777 (@AkameG4Kill) July 19, 2022

I see the future here and it's not digital. pic.twitter.com/vFyWkXLSvC
— ✺ Alicia Blázquez (@aliceatlin) July 18, 2022

July 19

got the new twitter update. i don't like it pic.twitter.com/RSpsVhd699
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) July 20, 2022

nathan fielder: (explains his 3 month long sociopathic plan to the guest)
guest: okay
— atrophy wife 🎀 (@zuza_real) July 19, 2022

gyn: you're married?
me: yep!
gyn: what are you using for birth control?
me: lesbianism
gyn: ...oh, that's very effective!
— Carli Segal (@carlisegal) July 19, 2022

So my husband and I have this rule that if there was ever a fire or emergency we go save the kids first, and I told him if anything were to happen to me in labor and he had a choice he should save the baby, right? He goes "hell no, I don't even know that kid" bro
— Gabrielle 🌲 (@cozymother) July 19, 2022

My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher's name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing.

Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 19, 2022

You've heard of the violin, now get ready for the violence pic.twitter.com/gD4t56Dw46
— Musical Instruments with Chaotic Auras (@MusicalChaotic) July 19, 2022

miss him pic.twitter.com/FjUq8FbfsT
— littleapostate (@littleapostate) July 19, 2022

i have to post this every so often because i want as many people to see it as possible pic.twitter.com/mveiBAQumR
— ana (@pelicinema) July 19, 2022

marilyn was a crust legend pic.twitter.com/8UisCe8iZw
— shrine to nothing (@wrong_rae) July 19, 2022

it is 91 degrees outside put that natural deodorant DOWN
— megan (@chismosavirus) July 19, 2022

so fucking hot out my genderfluid friends are turning into gendergas and evaporating
— matt (@mattxiv) July 19, 2022

Britain is now hot enough for Britain to colonise
— Karl Sharro (@KarlreMarks) July 19, 2022

International news is like, "more mass death due to global warming and climate change" and local news is like, "bike lanes: are they too inconvenient to SUV drivers?"
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) July 19, 2022

pic.twitter.com/oeu7OIbUHO
— Extinction Rebellion (@ExtinctionR) July 20, 2022

A clip from Don't Look Up, and then a real TV interview that just happened pic.twitter.com/CokQ5eb3sO
— Ben Phillips (@benphillips76) July 20, 2022

"I'm arriving!!!" has me crying 😭 pic.twitter.com/3RrZODWPn6
— ≠🕷 (@EarthyArchetype) July 19, 2022

 
July 20

microdosing vacation by dissociating at work
— trash jones (@jzux) July 20, 2022

It's hard to explain if you weren't there but all the coolest movies of the late 90s were about how crushing it would be to work in an air conditioned office with your own computer and health insurance.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) July 21, 2022

Like Vampire Weekend? Thank vampire unions
— District Sentinel (@TheDCSentinel) July 20, 2022

Our HP printer hasn't been working for a month and every manner of troubleshooting, resets, changing ink cartridges, didn't seem to work. After calling HP, they said the debit card on file had expired so they manually disabled our printer.

In unrelated news, I'm now radicalized
— Wendigoon (@Wendigoon8) July 20, 2022

She's a 10, but she's a 14, an 8, and a 12. She just wants to be able to buy pants online, but clothing sizes for women are bullshit.
— Maddy Gibbons (@RetsMadd) July 20, 2022

What happened is scientists discovered chlorofluorocarbons were bad for the ozone, countries believed them, the Montreal Protocol was signed, and CFC use fell by 99.7%, leading to the stabilization of the ozone layer, perhaps the greatest example of global cooperation in history. https://t.co/JPEvExnKdu
— Derek Thompson (@DKThomp) July 20, 2022

Ok. I don't know who needs to hear this, but buckle up. Here's the deal. A thread 🧵
— Katie Goldin🐛💜 (@KatieGoldin) July 20, 2022

Remember the Jeremy Renner app? pic.twitter.com/DvmKCb7KLS
— Lily (@lilydont) July 21, 2022

Ahhh. What is this cover? pic.twitter.com/oBk0M84ajL
— Lakshmi Gandhi (@LakshmiGandhi) July 21, 2022

😭 they got crocs for dogs pic.twitter.com/x4NU7g7PXd
— 🌹 (@curtisthatsnow_) July 20, 2022

Lil Kim has 24 hours to respond pic.twitter.com/ShcwODHrs9
— Hood Comedy (@HoodComedyEnt) July 21, 2022

kinda adorable how men call each other "my boy [name]" like thats so cute? are u gonna kiss u should kiss i think
— hanging out (@legallyines) July 20, 2022

Homosexual behavior has been found in over 1,500 species. Homophobia is found in only one.
— 3Rustynails (@Ipsofacto123) July 20, 2022

 
July 21

Imagine wasting your life worrying about who has the right to marry who? Of all the things to stand for. Regulating love? How fucking miserable.
— dan levy (@danjlevy) July 21, 2022

This must be the greatest typo ever. pic.twitter.com/o9d5iCwzfR
— Freddy Gray (@Freddygray31) July 21, 2022

It's weird that in none of these January 6 hearings mention that this all happened because Donald Trump is a little baby bitch who is scared of being called a loser
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) July 22, 2022

When a president gets covid they take away his tie and make him do paperwork pic.twitter.com/Fl023PiwYd
— Guy Freire (@guy_freire) July 21, 2022

my favorite genre of twitter pic.twitter.com/mUEfFSmmQg
— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) July 21, 2022

If Stranger Things was British. pic.twitter.com/C519RgvkQp
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) July 21, 2022

hospitalized for exhaustion after scrolling down to my birth year in a drop down menu
— Amy (@lolennui) July 21, 2022

It's crazy to me that for decades, bands have been torn to shreds in Spin, Rolling Stone, NME, Cream, Pitchfork, etc yet they rarely write songs about music reviewers. But comedians will put out entire specials about tweets.
— Laurie "Denver, Tonight! Comedy Works" Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) July 21, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 22, 2022

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