July 14
Yes, Elon Musk gave $100,000 to Republicans, but he ALSO spent $100,000 on a machine that grinds up homeless people and turns them into that Rick & Morty sauce
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) July 15, 2018
July 15
The Proud Boys are definitely the neo-Nazi group that sounds most like a non-profit for special-needs dogs.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 15, 2018
Putin is a trained former KGB officer. Probably the best Intelligence Officer alive today.
— YS (@NYinLA2121) July 15, 2018
Trump has bankrupted 3 casinos, can't spell "Counsel", thinks Fredrick Douglas is alive and believes in a made up country called Nambia.
They are meeting 1:1.
What could go wrong?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 16, 2018
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA https://t.co/vne8EFZ6cV
Personally, I think ScarJo is going to bring a lot to the role. https://t.co/GJNMrc10Z3
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) July 15, 2018
July 16
At any given time, there are 75 different Coen Brothers movies taking place simultaneously across the country. https://t.co/s8pDQmC3p5
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) July 16, 2018
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 17, 2018
*trump eats live baby on national television*
— m i t h (@ManInTheHoody) July 17, 2018
jeff flake: sends mean tweet
mccain: releases mean 2 paragraph statement
jim jordan: watches, does nothing
paul ryan: punches poor person
dana loesch: wonders why the baby didn't have a gun
hannity: eats 2 babies to show loyalty
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) July 17, 2018
July 17
Trump betraying his own country on live television reminds me of that time he confessed to obstruction of justice on national television and also that time he admitted to serial sex assault in an audio recording
— Jason (@longwall26) July 17, 2018
We're debating whether Trump just got played by Vladimir Putin, as though he didn't fall for a prank call on Air Force One TWO WEEKS AGO.
— Daniel Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) July 17, 2018
Of course Obama gave a great speech. He's married to Melania's speechwriter.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) July 18, 2018
I misspoke. I meant to say I "wouldn't" be right here waiting for you.
— Richard Marx (@richardmarx) July 18, 2018
I meant to say Today wasn't the day Donald trump finally became president
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 17, 2018
Media: Lying
— UnsilentMajority 🌹 (@The_UnSilent_) July 17, 2018
Comey: Lying
Obama: Lying
Clinton: Lying
Stormy: Lying
Strozk: Lying
Mueller: Lying
Judges: Lying
19 Sexual assault accusers: Lying
Climate change scientists: Lying
17 Intelligence agencies: Lying
Putin: "He means it, I believe him"
~ @realDonaldTrump
one time my boss said "salad, as a food, sucks" and this other guy was like "as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?" and that guy lost his job a few weeks later
— Mike F (@mikefossey) July 18, 2018
making myself laugh by imagining Reagan saying "don't tear down this wall" and only realising 24 hours later
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) July 18, 2018
July 18
It gives me enormous pleasure to imagine being luridly and sensationally murdered but nobody can afford to make a documentary about it because a Beatles album was playing on repeat at the crime scene
— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 18, 2018
There should be an investigation to see if anyone in the Trump administration has any ties to America.
— Matthew Modine (@MatthewModine) July 18, 2018
Honestly this sounds like a perfect day https://t.co/ad3K40Rrdp
— Georgia Hardstark (@GHardstark) July 18, 2018
Some players have racist and offensive old tweets and then there's Lucas Giolito. 😂 pic.twitter.com/tLhoLdNR1N
— Mike (@ChiSoxFanMike) July 18, 2018
shrek grossed 484 million just so we're clear https://t.co/GmuMK2Momz
— sam (@TheAccountOfSam) July 18, 2018
Summer is the only time I'm ok with being single cause the image of a man peeling off my salt stained bra isn't a turn on.
— Steph Tolev (@StephTolev) July 18, 2018
A new Papa John has been chosen https://t.co/2eBjgpzh8o
— Ken McGraw (@KenMcGraw) July 18, 2018
'Hang on...I meant Norwegian Wouldn't' pic.twitter.com/WlXiGwv20S
— Simon Halfon (@halfon) July 18, 2018
July 19
no yours is https://t.co/4oCEslrJ5U
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) July 19, 2018
My dad taught me to throw knives to make me less gay. Now, I know how to suck dick & throw knives.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) July 20, 2018
Putin's gonna host SNL isn't he
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) July 20, 2018
calm down everyone, it's just a mummified family swimming in red liquid https://t.co/VUAmcR2mhS
— Rob Rousseau (@robrousseau) July 20, 2018
July 20
Hi! Tom Cruise is five years older in "Mission: Impossible: Fallout" than Wilford Brimley was in "Cocoon"! I don't know what to do with this information, and now, neither do you!
— Tim Carvell (@timcarvell) July 20, 2018
.@nytimes letter to the editor of the day - maybe month pic.twitter.com/Z6vt7fXASG
— Jonathan Martin (@jmartNYT) July 20, 2018
hmm hmm hmm what to be devastated by today?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 20, 2018
I begged you not to open that god damned cursed black sarcophagus and you didn't listen, now look at what you've done, you arrogant fools. https://t.co/D3aFXkzGwg
— H.E.A.D. C.H.U.D. (@Unrealized_Tomb) July 20, 2018
