Nice try, NASA, engineers don't mind a hassle, Stranger Things sassers, killing trees for our casas, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

July 8

when cops set a speed trap that's so emasculating to me… oh did da baby find a good widdle hiding spot? are you being sooo sneaky? are you sooo good at playing hide and seek? come out and face me like a man
— jenna (@jennalinds) July 8, 2022

Best Tony Sirico story I heard was on The Sopranos, when a character was going to be killed off, everyone would be super apologetic to the actor losing their job at the readthrough. Tony would show up like 10 minutes late and make machine gun noises at the person being killed off
— Pete (@prisonpete) July 9, 2022

I did get that vibe https://t.co/d6Vo5YtD4f
— waffle party planner (@Phylan) July 8, 2022

best tweet of 2022 pic.twitter.com/wEX1fGr3Bo
— myth of sissification (@rachelisonline) July 8, 2022

I am going to do zero research and say yes. Not a drop of evidence but I'm positive I'm right. https://t.co/1hJpqj8DpS
— Lori (@ladyspicoli) July 8, 2022

Today is my last day as the guy who spins Kamala Harris around 25 times before pushing her into the room for her interviews. It has been an incredible opportunity and I'm sad to leave it.
— Jesse "In Memory of the Italians We Lost" (@MuskTillDawn) July 9, 2022

Lebron, a billionaire, packing a ziplock bag of his own snacks from home at summer league is amazing. pic.twitter.com/LHJk14bJjT
— Mike Vigil (@protectedpick) July 9, 2022

me: i bought u $1000 pet bed
cat: pic.twitter.com/3b4KXxWfTv
— memes i wish i could tag my cat in - no bully mode (@memesiwish) July 9, 2022

good review pic.twitter.com/sL36rOMdM6
— memes i wish i could tag my cat in - no bully mode (@memesiwish) July 9, 2022

pic.twitter.com/3nEHMfKjtj
— Conservative Self-Owns (@ConSelfOwns) July 9, 2022

July 9

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

"Hey, little bro / little sis."

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

"Hey, loser. Mom called."
— V Park (she/they) (@VeroniKaboom) July 9, 2022

"my favorite season is summer" we get it, your thighs don't touch, congratulations
— caroline (@kewlwick) July 9, 2022

(After any interaction with another human being) Lmao wow. wait until the 45 mentally ill guys I know from the computer hear about this
— chuds rock (@gloomfather) July 10, 2022

oh you "liked" my instagram story? you tapped your little thumb on the little heart and liked it?? be a real man and just have sex with me
— brecht apologist (@madison_tayt) July 9, 2022

little medical bracelets but they tell the nurse they're not allowed to do a tiktok about you
— Bryan Cannoy (@notbryancannoy) July 9, 2022

Rogers: Canada's Most Reliable Network 6 Days a Week

Bell: Sometimes We're as Fast as We Promised

Air Canada: We Show Your Luggage the World

Loblaws: It'll Cost Even More Tomorrow. That's Our PC Guarantee.
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) July 9, 2022

If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) July 9, 2022

I have discovered a new business venture 🤣 pic.twitter.com/SpGqSbh5nn
— Shaindel Beers 🍻 (@shaindelr) July 9, 2022

the lab rats they do experiments on: https://t.co/BUWoh1yT1l
— card (@cpp999x) July 9, 2022

need pic.twitter.com/u2LnWqAb5l
— yung chente 🌱💫🇲🇽 (@yungchente97) July 9, 2022

the fuck pic.twitter.com/Z6osjc0akQ
— ɢʀᴇɢɢʏ (@itmegreggy) July 10, 2022

Why wouldn't I kill the messenger? he just told me something that sucks shit
— punished Mange Sufferer (@bogtrinkets) July 9, 2022

July 10

Plot twist of the year pic.twitter.com/TWUF7JSS9B
— 𝐆𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐢™️ (@ThatDakari) July 10, 2022

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

can't sass kids for discovering Kate Bush and Metallica through Stranger Things when I know full well my entire music taste came from Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2
— Neil Slorance (@neilslorance) July 10, 2022

it's a pretty good song until you realize the hill she's talking about is dave coulier
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) July 10, 2022

wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything

me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) July 11, 2022

accidentally used my husbands body wash and now i don't move out of the way when someone's walking toward me
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 10, 2022

It's over guys :( pic.twitter.com/W23J009rFX
— Lenny (@NobleOFF) July 10, 2022

Sorry I can't hang out I have to itch the mosquito bite on my ankle until I reach bone
— IcyHot Patch (@Icy_hotpatch) July 11, 2022

plane intercom: "is there a doctor on board??"

me rising out of my seat: "and are they single??"
— Anne Sundell (@anne_sundell) July 10, 2022

Engineers raised the entire city of Chicago in the 1850s so they could install a sewage system in response to repeated epidemics of typhoid and cholera, but please tell me again how you don't believe engineers can retrofit buildings with proper ventilation and filtration in 2022.
— Dr. Lisa Iannattone (@lisa_iannattone) July 10, 2022

you are not "getting railed in a sundress" this summer. this is america. there is no functioning rail system to speak of
— katie kadue (@kukukadoo) July 10, 2022

pic.twitter.com/KyHquXO4RR
— rare insults (@insultsrare) July 10, 2022

We name our housing estates after the trees we cut down to build them pic.twitter.com/UutKsO3AtN
— Jim Stanton (@jstantn) July 10, 2022

MYSTERY FLIGHT!?! pic.twitter.com/U2qi5ejEyZ
— is maith liom dimitri (@DuckUtena) July 12, 2022

With a Japanese reporter in Tokyo … absolutely blowing his mind by describing how a "deductible" works
— Jeff Stein (@JStein_WaPo) July 11, 2022

Norman Bridwell: ok so this dog - it's red

Publisher: ok

Norman Bridwell: *hits bong* and it's fucking 𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘦
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) July 12, 2022

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction, but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) July 11, 2022

when people talk about how they can't drink caffeine like 6+ hours before bed because they'd be so wired i always thought it was SO weird because i could drink it up until the minute i went to sleep and have no issues and i never felt *wired* and then i learned i have adhd
— 𝐵𝓇𝒾 (𝒯𝒶𝓎𝓁𝑜𝓇'𝓈 𝒱𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃) (@brihindthescene) July 11, 2022

responding "ummmm i have a boyfriend" anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
— stuartfiddle (@stuartfiddle) July 11, 2022

women used to poison their abusive husbands what happened to those good old fashion values 😕
— hanging out (@legallyines) July 12, 2022

let's go girls pic.twitter.com/7xpRLtDAf0
— matt (@mattxiv) July 11, 2022

I used the old "I gave birth to you" on my daughter, she said "That was one time".
— uncle mom (@mayamanion) July 11, 2022

So in awe of the gravitational lensing! Never expected to see such clarity and color pic.twitter.com/S7o8rceqQR
— Julia Kardon (@jlkardon) July 11, 2022

whoever designed the carpet for bowling alleys got deep space exactly right https://t.co/W4ISgJRUMu
— Seth Rubin (@setherubin) July 12, 2022

July 12

Been running into dads of my 3yo's classmates and asking for their emails for his birthday party and so far 3 out of 3 dads have proceeded to give me their wives' emails instead. This is now a social experiment.
— Sonya Bonczek (@SonyaBonczek) July 12, 2022

There are no vegan men, just.. pic.twitter.com/5DkKLoWZuI
— An Post Malone (@CianClarke1) July 13, 2022

My wife got mad at me because I bought this hot dog card for $8. But what she doesn't realize is that it sings and it's an INVESTMENT. pic.twitter.com/FjbN5h7a1u
— T. L. McBeth (@T_L_Mcbeth) July 12, 2022

My wife found this on Facebook, and it's incredible. pic.twitter.com/Sv6vvMskMp
— Kevin Tucker (@gatheredremains) July 13, 2022

why did my brother's doordash driver do him so dirty😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/JEB7EbzVZt
— sar (@_sarahsnow) July 12, 2022

In 2001 all the cool kids on the playground had the Bob Dylan "Love and Theft" HitClips™ pic.twitter.com/ZMBilyiT5E
— Modern Dylan Apologist (@Zimmy_TB) July 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/oLtcBFp3aI
— jea (@420insidejob) July 12, 2022

I could never be a therapist because I can't hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
— Mabel Lewis (@edwardsnowden43) July 12, 2022

mom: you remember them? they invited me to like a sex party
me:
mom: a party for the sex, like for sex parts? but they hired a skywriter for it
me: for sex?
mom: you know the one where they do like pink or blue?
me:
me:
me: do you mean a gender reveal?
— Meg Elison (@megelison) July 12, 2022

heart goes out to hubble today, being thrown up there like the "before" picture of a botox ad
— Joss Fong (@JossFong) July 12, 2022

all those galaxies with trillions of planets inside and we ended up on the one with a 40 hour work week
— joe (@averageIyjoe) July 12, 2022

July 13

Nice try, NASA pic.twitter.com/SfGcRdcfkO
— my uncle's meme stash (@myunclesmemes) July 13, 2022

been there https://t.co/kKZgYtYIcF
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) July 14, 2022

I'm crying at the Nutella in Turkey my friend sent me pic.twitter.com/W3zUGK4U3e
— Z, nkemji fan account (@cardy_ac) July 13, 2022

You've just ordered Pizza Hut. You've got a new copy of WWF No Mercy for the Nintendo 64 and a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2022.
— John Gholson (@gholson) July 13, 2022

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
— Dzintra - Author (@DzintraSullivan) July 13, 2022

Not in 100 years could you guess where this is going pic.twitter.com/TgFAxbKJQP
— Screamer Jim (@HeheWaitWhut) July 13, 2022

The new Instagram update really understood what I was looking for:
- none of my friends' content
- reposted TikToks from meme accounts I do not follow
- 100x more ads
- everything played at full volume against my will
— Meg Watson (@msmegwatson) July 14, 2022

pic.twitter.com/QuxBhZuHUy
— shirts that go hard (@shirtsthtgohard) July 13, 2022

 
July 14

Pouring one out for Library Paste Man on his necroversary. pic.twitter.com/olfXGOxBi6
— Respect the Dead - The Podcast (@_RespectTheDead) July 14, 2022

I would legit throw hands 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/fUD9chsNYq
— Zeeti (@DJZeeti) July 14, 2022

i love saying "absolutely not", saying "no" just aint dramatic enough for me😭
— Cursed King ➐ (@CursedPost) July 15, 2022

Best summer series since Dylan and Kelly hooked up while Brenda was in Paris https://t.co/EFbZKAiqHC
— Karen Schwartz (@pithywidow) July 14, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 15, 2022

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