A sliced meme, Rocco gets Elmo steamed, falling for the monkey art scheme, six hours to daydream, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 31

That's me in the corner

That's me in a cock

Fight

Losing to a pigeon
— Tony Sloth's Pro Stoner (@PunishedHavoc) December 31, 2021

Tonight is for Betty White pic.twitter.com/XpfDnfHtlA
— Mook (@MookBets) December 31, 2021

People who don't have toddlers during a pandemic do not understand that there are approximately 1,000 hours between 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.
— Ellen O'Connell Whittet (@oconnellwhittet) December 31, 2021

Canadians aren't polite, they're just really, really passive aggressive.
— saskatchewan potato utility (@birlios) December 31, 2021

"are u ok" im literally a forest fire and i am the fire and i am the forest and i am the witness watching it
— pigeon (@fringeffect) December 31, 2021

can't stop laughing at this. bro that's just cooking dinner. you're describing what a meal is pic.twitter.com/7zEhgagbQ9
— tomb (@TurmShrub) January 1, 2022

It's weird how all these people who paid thousands of dollars for a drawing of a monkey keep getting scammed
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) January 1, 2022

i just need to live long enough to see how the new years glasses industry addresses 2111
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 31, 2021

January 1

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, "Just like the ones grammar used to make?"

Now, I'm blocked. Happy New Year
— Andrea (@anayalove40) January 1, 2022

when the beatles said "he got feet down below his knees" i thought, fuck yes. i have feet down there too
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) January 1, 2022

the way she was called insane but this is how we all tweet now pic.twitter.com/dT4yEQIcTi
— Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘢 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ (@MlSERABLEBRAT) January 2, 2022

happy birthday to horses pic.twitter.com/oZVY3PK9uL
— rev. pucci hater (@dayoheyo) January 1, 2022

pic.twitter.com/9gmtvmgW5u
— Best of Nextdoor (@bestofnextdoor) January 2, 2022

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
— Jay Edidin (@NotLasers) January 1, 2022

When I was a kid I thought "hacking" was all about writing Matrix-like code, when in reality it's just sending boomers emails that say "give me your passwords" and they do.
— The Crying of Thot 69 (@RockNRollCool69) January 2, 2022

January 2

it's coming for us all pic.twitter.com/5MYJ3GXR1b
— Marianne 🖤 protect black lives (@bronzebygold) January 2, 2022

hey sorry I didn't respond to your text, been really busy and all the energy I would normally have for basic intimacy is being used to survive a failed state
— Joan Zahra Dark ✨ جوان ز هر اء دارك (@whoaitsjoan) January 3, 2022

Yeah I stole your ape pics. What are you gonna do, draw some police
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 2, 2022

In no functioning society should the sentence "Someone stole my ape cartoon" be followed by "now my life savings are gone"
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 2, 2022

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) January 2, 2022

credit card chip machines are like:

- DO NOT remove your card
- DO NOT - hey look at me - DO NOT remove your card
- take out your card immediately or I'm burning this place to the ground
— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 2, 2022

"MSG is bad for you" is a nasty trick played by people who don't want you to put miracle flavor powder in your food
— site specific carnivorous occurrence (@atomicthumbs) January 2, 2022

Every time I see that pic of Bezos and his girlfriend I want to barf. Not because of his shirt (I actually like it), but because her and I dated before she got with Jeff and I still love the damn woman.
— James Hartnett (@jameshartnett) January 2, 2022

people hate on tinder but i look back on fond tinder memories... like the time i met a girl a decade older than me who picked me up, parked in a del taco parking lot, pulled out heroin and when i said i didn't wanna do heroin she said "i wasn't going to share with you anyway"
— ………… corie (@corietjohnson) January 2, 2022

Voldemort beefing with a 12 year old is very funny to me
— Kash Sinn (@KvshSinn) January 2, 2022

Embarrassing how proud I am of myself anytime I manage to put my phone down so I can, "focus on the tv"
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) January 2, 2022

the worst person u have ever met will be like "working on being kinder to myself this year 😘"
— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) January 2, 2022

everybody should quit their jobs and just start hanging out
— some guy (@someduckingguy) January 2, 2022

January 3

Since we grown now it wasnt my mom sayin i couldnt hang out with yall it was me
— Chris (@levimrtz) January 4, 2022

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious
— Michael sucks (@Home_Halfway) January 3, 2022

Relationship between a smart guy and dumb girl: Awful, boring, inhibited, no one is getting their needs met

Relationship between smart girl and dumb guy: Amazing, supportive, wholesome, everyone is eating vegetables
— G. L. DiVittorio (@gldivittorio) January 3, 2022

"Ontario will allow capacity for two couples and one loser to gather indoors"
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) January 3, 2022

theyre doing their show remotely bc of covid while attacking remote schooling bc of covid pic.twitter.com/VwDH6gzW3C
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) January 3, 2022

I wish I could quit my job so I can focus on my true passion which is sleeping
— Hurt Cobain 🧛‍♀️ (@RenyXO) January 3, 2022

"Lol everyone on Twitter says they have ADHD"

Gosh I wonder why people with ADHD might be overrepresented on the dopamine slot machine website
— Louisa 🌈👭 (@LouisatheLast) January 4, 2022

We used to legit dial the phone, speak to a receptionist, wait on hold & interrupt our mom's workday just to ask if we can eat a popsicle.
— Josh (@krockjosh) January 3, 2022

pic.twitter.com/0nVmXmerq2
— Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens (@CSMFHT) January 3, 2022

Can't believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands :/
— Shikhar (@ShikharTheBun) January 3, 2022

is this store having a stroke wtf pic.twitter.com/cdOv7OVQdY
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) January 4, 2022

Enjoying some public domain Winnie the Pooh? Here's a little trick to help you remember the difference. pic.twitter.com/NrrCysYiGj
— Courtney the 🤌 (@blood0rphan) January 4, 2022

there are tears in my eyes y'all my stomach hurting pic.twitter.com/bbkF9yDZLf
— cheye (dr.booty) (@wumbooty) January 4, 2022

January 4

Elmo vs Rocko the greatest rivalry of all time pic.twitter.com/4aRbR6OUAS
— ko (@formermerc) January 4, 2022

Please don't - The ER is full https://t.co/33TOj35gof
— Pepe Silvia, MD (@pjputh) January 5, 2022

Whoever this toddler is they must be stopped pic.twitter.com/VWQVQuecKV
— Yell in a War (@jelenawoehr) January 5, 2022

if you ask me to go on a walk with you I will always say yes. I am an absolute glutton for a strut, literally obsessed with going on a little fucking stroll and lollygagging about! I'm always on the prowl for a promenade! a slut for a saunter and ambling around like a fool!
— xanax in a cinnabon (ali) (@xanabon) January 4, 2022

i cannot work a job i dont have time. everyday i need at least 2 hours to journal 3 hours to walk around and think about how i Feel and another 6 hours to daydream
— makayla (@makaylathinks) January 5, 2022

If they want to keep the federal minimum wage at $7.25 great just adjust the price of college to $500 per semester and rent on one bedroom apartments to $400/month and we're even
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) January 5, 2022

wrote four emails today pic.twitter.com/maVUHgu2Iq
— Hoda Mallone (@HodaMallone) January 4, 2022

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i've only skimmed
— Brian Jansen (@bdjansenphd) January 5, 2022

pic.twitter.com/PN03rDEbsQ
— Shoegaze Dad 🇵🇭 (@yeoldedad) January 4, 2022

found this online and can't stop laughing at it. why does it work in every direction pic.twitter.com/AphmQEKNKF
— Max Socol (@mbsocol) January 4, 2022

Trapped on the i95 and a guy bangs on my window saying we're all gathering around a dude with a phone 10 cars ahead to watch Matrix Reloaded.
— Irate Gamer NFT's (@viperwave) January 4, 2022

nobody cared who i was until i put on the mask pic.twitter.com/zuYZ7bjZY4
— Señor Tren (the husband guy) (@SenorTren) January 4, 2022

That took me a moment. pic.twitter.com/Dg1timR98O
— Manley (@LordManley) January 4, 2022

January 5

oh come on pic.twitter.com/Wf8dl9RJXH
— Pope💪 (@punishedpope) January 6, 2022

I made a new rule: Never trust how you feel about your entire life past 9pm
— drew monson (@drewmonson7) January 6, 2022

i went to jurassic park on a day where everything was fine. no dinosaur attacks. people need to chill out. it's so fun
— aLec robBins (@alecrobbins) January 6, 2022

children don't like remote learning. that's why we have to give every one of them the coronavirus, which they will love
— baby christa (@christapeterso) January 6, 2022

pic.twitter.com/vUQOtw8tXA
— costco (@costcope) January 5, 2022

Has anybody ever seen a rock eat a cookie? Elmo is just curious.
— Elmo (@elmo) January 5, 2022

That rock did something to Elmo and imma find out what happened.
— HOOD VOGUE is tired of poverty (@keyon) January 5, 2022

I want Elmo doing the New Year's special with Don Lemon
— KD♐︎ (@ineedja_kadeeja) January 6, 2022

Don't worry everybody! Elmo and Zoe practiced sharing and are still best buds forever! Elmo loves you Zoe! Ha ha ha!

Elmo doesn't want to talk about Rocco.
— Elmo (@elmo) January 5, 2022

January 6

One year ago today the President of the United States of America unfollowed the Vice President on Twitter
— The Pocket Report (@ThePocketReport) January 6, 2022

Yes, this woman is wearing a mask. pic.twitter.com/JvqU7CZxSO
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) January 6, 2022

Every female lead in a scifi movie is like "my hair is short bc it's the future"
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) January 6, 2022

"Teachers have too much power." Dude they don't even have enough crayons
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) January 6, 2022

Elmo/Rocco feud getting me through the week pic.twitter.com/bUB5B4GUrJ
— Jeff Zhang 张佶润 (@strangeharbors) January 6, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 7, 2022

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