I am future me, Steamboat Willie, clean Dead Kennedys, Toyota Coyote, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 29

Jesus: [holding up bread] this is my flesh

Guy Who Owns an Air Fryer: you can reheat that perfectly in an air fryer, I use mine for everything
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 29, 2023

90% of the always sunny podcast episodes are glenn insisting he's nothing like dennis and rob and charlie explaining something weird glenn does that they wrote for dennis https://t.co/NwrXV2dPHu
— brianna (@justbrizigs) December 30, 2023

"you're so ambitious!" thanks as a child I learned that achievement equals love
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 30, 2023

Oh god this just messed me up pic.twitter.com/NomFJSMtkN
— Read Let This Radicalize You (@JoshuaPHilll) December 29, 2023

now that's how you film a catastrophe bravo https://t.co/4p3ScASnDP
— Roy Drones Jr (@chiweethedog) December 29, 2023

https://t.co/IprWgCaHRw pic.twitter.com/NvdW1b2Gmb
— Trout Mask (original) 𓅱 (@BranPuffin) December 29, 2023

It had to be done! pic.twitter.com/8irhaZ1mCv
— Pop-Tarts Bowl (@PopTartsBowl) December 29, 2023

modern society is so divorced from our food sources that most people who eat pop tarts have never actually killed one themselves
— Amy A (@lolennui) December 29, 2023

Please don't feed wildlife any of your giant sentient toaster pastry.
— Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources (@waDNR) December 29, 2023

poptarts ceo: how should we promote our tasty breakfast treat?

marketing guy: [most off his meds a person has ever been] i have an idea
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 30, 2023

How the Pop-Tart is gonna come out of the toaster at the start of next years Pop-Tarts Bowl game. pic.twitter.com/EnAqtPPnG3
— Hudi Productions (@hudsononeill15) December 29, 2023

pic.twitter.com/zAfbIHufHr
— campbell g (@rodeoman) December 29, 2023

Me showing every Pop Tart Bowl joke to my wife pic.twitter.com/4J8AbVLJWp
— Snoop-a-loop🦬 (@PapaBearsTweets) December 30, 2023

i wouldn't. she's playing white so she would be the one opening https://t.co/eWDezEKfsM
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) December 29, 2023

Some intrepid whistleblower needs to leak Barack Obama's actual Spotify Wrapped.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 29, 2023

Deceased. pic.twitter.com/dqG0Cdtgv0
— Roger A Wilbanks💬 (@rogerawilbanks) December 29, 2023

Was I very productive this week? No. But was I able to rest and relax? Also no. But was I gentle with myself about all of this? No
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) December 29, 2023

Bank account nice and empty, starting the new year on a clean slate
— Chris Coro (@iamchriscoro) December 30, 2023

December 30

This is the LAST day you can retweet this pic.twitter.com/EWZVWgSPzi
— Gravantus (@Gravantus) December 31, 2023

Bill Maher despite decades of practice is still pumping out the absolute lowest quality anti-vaccine rhetoric. He can't even engage in normal conversation on the topic just gasping to get to his next talking point. https://t.co/Qd3pWJa7kt
— Chris Kavanagh (@C_Kavanagh) December 30, 2023

Imagine falling in love with a gorgeous girl and then seeing her opponent calling for an iso. Heartbreaking. https://t.co/MxO0pUDQJq
— Zito (@_Zeets) December 31, 2023

These things happened within the same calendar year. pic.twitter.com/8RzWWbBxl8
— Steph Noh (@StephNoh) December 31, 2023

This signals the official end of Toyotathon https://t.co/kHM4JPeEwh
— The Ghost of 2023 𓅇 (@JEllulz) December 31, 2023

Are you calling yourself a Nazi, Wayne? Because looks like you're calling yourself a Nazi pic.twitter.com/mmOrJs6vIM
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) December 31, 2023

I don't understand how someone who's so plainly uncomfortable and weird when he interacts with strangers would ever have decided to go into politics. https://t.co/H2zi5xvxON
— James Surowiecki (@JamesSurowiecki) December 31, 2023

pic.twitter.com/F7vMsz2aby
— 🔥⛪️🔥 (@RickNothing) December 30, 2023

December 31

Hate to say it but if 2024 is anything like this year then we've got another 12 months headed our way
— computer man (@gloomfather) December 31, 2023

Happy new year everyone

Here's my favourite tweet from 2023… https://t.co/lTAL20mHCF
— Bad Vaccine Takes (@BadVaccineTakes) January 1, 2024

not MLB but this is 100% the photo of the year https://t.co/d2qOEXK5Wd pic.twitter.com/AJAXrl5Kwn
— IcyVert (@IcyVert) January 1, 2024

Please watch this courtside adult shielding the child on his lap's eyes as Grizz strips and twerks in front of them pic.twitter.com/bt8vVve1uM
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 1, 2024

go to NYC for New Year's Eve:

- plane ticket is $$$
- hotels are cramped and shitty
- traffic sucks

sit at home and play Mario Kart:

- get to see the whole world
- drive as fast as you want
- you're fucking Mario
- mama mia
— david (@_elvishpresley_) January 1, 2024

Anderson Cooper can't stop laughing at John Mayer in a cat bar pic.twitter.com/5uCNm24RIM
— Brennan Murphy (@brenonade) January 1, 2024

i love that we, as a community, bullied cnn into letting anderson cooper and andy cohen drink on tv
— laci (@lnrbb8) January 1, 2024

Me at 23:59:50 pic.twitter.com/NmfjR6HGZ6
— ed (@erar97) December 31, 2023

hey check out this new character i came up with pic.twitter.com/olNWfdeiXh
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) January 1, 2024

"Ted Nugent while performing at the Benton Harbor chili cook…" https://t.co/6FVSLgdtSE
— Fred Wellman (@FPWellman) January 1, 2024

Edgar Allan Poe in 1845: https://t.co/iZxRoor72v
— . (@tsnmknd) December 31, 2023

Before all you conservatives get all angry and say, "You lost half your fan base, that's what you get for going political" Green Day has always been political American Idiot was about Bush for God's sake. This was during 2016 election. https://t.co/x9D9rGLua3 pic.twitter.com/ZUYfORfLER
— astrozomb1es (@astrozomb1es1) January 1, 2024

"Why did Green Day have to insert politics into their performance of American Idiot" is a truly incredible sentence to read. pic.twitter.com/bDwMRccsdO
— Vas Drimalitis (@vasdrimalitis) January 1, 2024

January 1

Oh no GreenDay has offended the people they were calling idiots 20 yrs ago and the idiots finally figured it out
— NYer in Florida (@JesseLaGreca) January 1, 2024

They wanted to "lock up" Hillary over some emails, but Trump can be "President from jail if he has to."
That's how you know it's a cult. https://t.co/tsNzsW0JuV
— Jo (@JoJoFromJerz) January 1, 2024

"the average CEO reads 52 books a year" yeah bc they don't have a JOB
— chase (@_chase_____) January 1, 2024

When you learn the word "homosexuality" didn't appear in any Bible translations until after World War II pic.twitter.com/nDInUxf6Ht
— Jason Kirk (buy my novel) (@JasonKirk_fyi) January 1, 2024

Liberty University, which is probably the most conservative college in the country, has an acceptance rate of over 99% and a graduation rate of 29%. Just sharing that information for no particular reason. pic.twitter.com/hpSlVpbekQ
— Dan Grzybek (@Dan_Grzybek) January 1, 2024

Happy 3 year anniversary to this silly reaction video I made thinking no one would ever see it pic.twitter.com/wWB2FjrIcp
— Alison Burke (@TiredActor) January 1, 2024

What overpayment? I will do this gently. Premier, critics might say you're not being truthful. Since it's a national plan, all Cdns pay precisely the same rate. So please clarify your math. https://t.co/JjVQvEyVZt
— Charles Adler (@charlesadler) January 2, 2024

Steamboat Willie, no!

(This is legal now.) pic.twitter.com/sH1STXMYzR
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) January 1, 2024

It's cool how it just doesn't snow anymore and all the bugs that were around during childhood don't exist now. I'm sure its nothing to worry about.
— Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) January 1, 2024

I love leap years, every 4 years the calendar just goes now let's do a silly one
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 1, 2024

Oh sorry when I said "let's circle back after the new year" I mean literally never contact me again
— Defund the police (@dalaimo13) January 2, 2024

don't email tomorrow, come on. save it for Wednesday at the very earliest, tomorrow is the day we all stare at our computer and readjust to it conceptually
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) January 2, 2024

January 2

finally, my beautiful dinner is ready! now to go hold the entire cast iron over the living room furniture for a little while https://t.co/qdsroYH9gM
— defleppardfan94 (@lemonade_grrrl) January 2, 2024

I thought Fat Joe got his hands on some ozempic https://t.co/W2nwuhUXrF
— Roy Drones Jr (@chiweethedog) January 2, 2024

oh god everyone is circling back
— Liz Hoffman (@lizrhoffman) January 2, 2024

Firing up teams pic.twitter.com/KqN7IvtA1L
— Viggie Smalls (@Viggie_Smalls93) January 2, 2024

Does anyone remember the password to my office computer. And also a single aspect of how my job works.
— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) January 2, 2024

When all the people you told "let's circle back to this in the New Year" start emailing you pic.twitter.com/DG2g4y8ypb
— Joe (@jrzdl) January 2, 2024

back to work

pic.twitter.com/cpTCwuhtfE
— parker lyons (@tweetsbyparker) January 2, 2024

i will not let your email find me. i will run. i will hide.
— Sam Jeske (@Sam_Jeske) January 2, 2024

I don't care about what you did for Christmas or New Years lets just work in silence today👍🏾
— Star67🇯🇲 (@RealistAaron_1) January 2, 2024

Sorry for the delayed response, it's just that I don't give a shit about any of this. Not even a little
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) January 2, 2024

this is the best thing that's ever aired on the fox news channel pic.twitter.com/pkozxjdDvq
— helena hind (@cynicalzoomer) January 3, 2024

"President Gay resigned" I've done no such thing
— JP (@jpbrammer) January 3, 2024

https://t.co/9gBNbBU7Fk pic.twitter.com/QlHaxMeckZ
— Micah (@MicahLangston_) January 2, 2024

The pipes can't handle it???
🤷 https://t.co/oHz4EzPh1k
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) January 3, 2024

yeah everything is 2x as expensive as it was 3 years ago but at least we never got rid of covid
— ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚baby bitch˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊ (@iamtentinybees) January 2, 2024

In this game between two pubic colleges one head coach made $8 million last year, the other made $11 million, and the stealth bomber flying over their game cost $737 million to build and $7 million to operate every year. https://t.co/dDzyXmjzPn
— Read Let This Radicalize You (@JoshuaPHilll) January 2, 2024

The way Paul Finebaum wears his AirPods is insane pic.twitter.com/9UPHztAuXO
— Geebo Samuel (@GeeboSamuel) January 2, 2024

Its quite insane you would make this tweet. https://t.co/vT5ozzYQih pic.twitter.com/Hph7STiuCv
— Spiro's Ghost (@AntiToxicPeople) January 2, 2024

Dear Aasshole: for the record, I've not met, flown with, visited, or had any contact whatsoever with Epstein, nor will you find my name on any "list" other than the clearly-phony nonsense that soft-brained wackos like yourself can't seem to distinguish from reality. Your reckless… https://t.co/p8eug12uiS
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) January 2, 2024

Its awesome that so many normies think the epstein client list thats gonna be released will have like 200 A-list celebrities and not like, a bunch of financiers and lawyers and lobbyists you've never heard of but financially ruined the last two generations of your family
— ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘᴀʟ, ᴅᴀᴋᴏᴛᴀ (@DEEP_RED_BELLS) January 3, 2024

It's like watching the prequel to "Idiocracy".

Constantly demeaning and diminishing the value of expertise comes at a cost -- one we'll all end up paying. https://t.co/JurZY8qOrY
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) January 2, 2024

January 3

EXTRAORDINARY pic.twitter.com/eYLEKQwZKY
— Brittlestar (@brittlestar) January 3, 2024

is this even legal https://t.co/8QGHXJFAVg
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) January 4, 2024

I would die of old age behind the wheel of my car before I let this standing person have the parking spot.

I would adopt a child, raise them in the car, and pass my grudge onto them, and they to their child, for a thousand generations. https://t.co/GrRzQCGhCf
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) January 3, 2024

I will continue referring to him as King Frederik Twitter of Denmark. https://t.co/2Y1ecI0xua
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 4, 2024

i'm crying aaron rodgers fucked up so bad they told mcafee put a damn shirt on https://t.co/QVnFPMWGBj
— chuba (@MostCrucified) January 3, 2024

nooo not the pimp my ride guy :( https://t.co/kVmVADUf3P
— 43 yr old mod of r/teenagers (@rasta_dad) January 4, 2024

Oh, no.

I was dreading this one. pic.twitter.com/FPdfxkkrXb
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) January 4, 2024

Allen Dershowitz really said "yes I'm on the list but do you condem hamas?"
— Brizz-Chan (Mr drive) (@billybrizzle420) January 4, 2024

A great moment in Reply Guy history pic.twitter.com/yli4W5I5pf
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) January 4, 2024

You don't see dogs gleefully running out of a butcher's shop with a string of sausages any more because of woke
— Fuck off (@Get_effed) January 3, 2024

this is how i picture the microplastics in my body https://t.co/yeB48ZFkea
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) January 3, 2024

Conservatives spent years calling Justin Trudeau dumb but their leader thinks electricity comes from Zeus.
— David Moscrop (@David_Moscrop) January 3, 2024

this is the best video I've ever seen https://t.co/ob6jWZsSlM
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) January 3, 2024

We did everything they told us to do and then they changed the rules https://t.co/9yCng2R6Tg
— Mr. Bounce Back (@SlimWyldNReklez) January 4, 2024

I don't know anything about this event. I did not agree to it and I certainly won't be there. https://t.co/h12mFFpdq6
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) January 3, 2024

Me on the set of my life, 2024 https://t.co/maXhENS5ei
— tom hardy fan account #1 (no PhD) (@xtremeonlinegf) January 3, 2024

with covid levels rising i have been testing the wastewater here in california and what has quickly become clear is that it all tastes really bad
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) January 4, 2024

January 4

"the pandemic was raging" girl we are currently in the second largest spike of the pandemic, it's raging presently, the rage is now https://t.co/jAZWpPCrw4
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) January 4, 2024

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
— Christine Obert (@cdpsolutions1) January 4, 2024

There are people willing to let this man put a chip in their brain https://t.co/RwqKNuiHi3
— Ryan Marino, MD (@RyanMarino) January 4, 2024

Being exposed to men's opinions on here has done more to radicalise me than reading most feminists texts could lmao
— naledi (@naledimashishi) January 4, 2024

I was training for Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2. https://t.co/f8FmnHDkWr
— Lynda Carter (@RealLyndaCarter) January 4, 2024

okay it's been long enough can we put the headphone jacks back in
— Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) January 4, 2024

They have a 99% conviction rate and dont have any western human rights law, go steal in japan and see what happens https://t.co/RdqWmeCv1u
— respawnedtargaryen (@respawnedtarga1) January 4, 2024

Because of who's trending today, it's my obligation to remind you that if I married Charlie Sheen, my name would be Laurie Kilmartin Sheen.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 4, 2024

Super unclear how Hotel California made a profit if they let you check out anytime and then just stay there.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 4, 2024

In case you felt Katt Williams was exaggerating at any point…

Ima just leave this here.

Actor Meshach Taylor first intro'd the "Bomanicious" joke on the show "Designing Women" (circa 1987/88)

Cedric the entertainer told it in 2020.

🤷🏽‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/TdxpyNQtmp
— CleverlyChloé (@CleverlyChloe) January 4, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 5, 2024

Latest Coverage