Your uncle Mark died, my mom was right, a quiet elevator ride, David Crosby's wise insight, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 13

why do people only ever monger fear or fish
— rosemary donahue (@rosadona) January 14, 2023

Police be like "I see clear evidence you're being harassed and stalked but we can't do shit until the person actually attempts to kill you so wait for that and if you survive give us a call"
— Dreadful (@Dreadful4Tymes) January 13, 2023

People: Eggs cost 9 dollars , and my medical bills have left me in tremendous debt

Republicans: we have banned the word 'Latinx'
— Saltinx (@BraveArcanine) January 13, 2023

the older i get i realize my mom was right, but i just didn't like her tone
— jay ✰ (@jayythewave) January 13, 2023

"I'm a jack of all trades, master of none" is such a cute little way to say you have adhd
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 13, 2023

is there a single other occupation where 5% of employees are pedophiles? pic.twitter.com/52rJtQqCj5
— Mac (@GoodPoliticGuy) January 14, 2023

Gene Wilder's super extra prolonged reaction here pic.twitter.com/BsKybPNQk0
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) January 13, 2023

#ONpoli

BREAKING: Doug Ford promises to give nurses their baby back if they do a few extra hours at a private hospital pic.twitter.com/EkzvcWWrYq
— T.O. Resident (@TO_Resident) January 13, 2023

This is the single most pathetic moment of my entire life pic.twitter.com/5WHWs7LUgj
— Paul Anthony Jones (@paulanthjones) January 13, 2023

Anyone happen to have seen my one piece electric automatic banana cleaner machine? pic.twitter.com/1iqqoaIPk3
— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) January 13, 2023

 
January 14

Fuck a massive apple pic.twitter.com/o4DJgpJWve
— Definitely Not Stuart Buck (@notstuartbuck) January 15, 2023

Lmfao men love telling on themselves so much 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/HTRXIyE9pp
— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) January 15, 2023

"Why aren't people making the kind of old-world classical sculptures and oil painting I like anymore?" I dunno dude why aren't you providing an artist with a full time salary and residence on your property so they can focus on nothing but making one painting for three years.
— Kelly Turnbull (@Coelasquid) January 14, 2023

Mambos No. 1 - 4 were tragically lost in the destruction of the Great Library of Alexandria
— Ellen Weatherford 🐊 (@elksneedle) January 14, 2023

My fiancé and I both went to Disney world on the very same week as kids because both our fathers were the kinds of guys who saw 9/11 happen and thought "oh man there will be NO lines at Disney right now" lmfao
— Jesus of Suburbia (@flaxseedthot) January 14, 2023

SHE DIDNT GHOST ME SHE WAS JUST IN REHAB LETS GOOOOOOOO
— wyatt (@turntretarded) January 15, 2023

took an edible pic.twitter.com/1DUVPFM2aN
— r (@reaghhan) January 14, 2023

January 15

pic.twitter.com/tjbahUxLLb
— Guy Freire (@guy_freire) January 15, 2023

lol this dude can't stop getting roasted by his own parents https://t.co/h4y5G3Tnu2 pic.twitter.com/RrKkFxz7Gp
— The Serfs (@theserfstv) January 15, 2023

i love elevator etiquette. absolutely no expectation to make small talk with other people. everyone just stares at a wall in silence
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) January 15, 2023

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) January 16, 2023

? pic.twitter.com/DIHDBSBLa3
— ｋ (@lawfulspice) January 15, 2023

i love it when nfl stadiums play seven nation army. kind of a cool tip of the cap to us indie music nerds 🤓🎸
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) January 15, 2023

this is how we installed multi floppy disk software in the 90s, exactly like this. pic.twitter.com/otjxDcFxFV
— David Amador 🐙 (@DJ_Link) January 15, 2023

Still. We're still doing this embarrassing shit. pic.twitter.com/3EIdaqskFH
— Josh Moon 🇺🇸 (@Josh_Moon) January 16, 2023

Children, a group famously not irrationally scared of needles until COVID-19 https://t.co/GhJKoDKxgV
— Right Wing Cope (@RightWingCope) January 15, 2023

The chart ends at 1885 lol pic.twitter.com/mabmAjdzth
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) January 15, 2023

 
January 16

first date idea: i wash ashore
— horse powder (@JuliusIrvington) January 16, 2023

a lot of tweets about what tom brady could have been doing in retirement instead of losing 31-6 but the thing you gotta realize about competitors like him and aaron rodgers is their families don't like them so there are only so many options
— Jonny Auping (@JonnyAuping) January 17, 2023

https://t.co/SvbwQ73cc3 pic.twitter.com/k3trb6lgCd
— Annie Wu (all socials: annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) January 16, 2023

what if Austin Butler does a Gilbert Gottfried biopic next and ends up talking like the parrot from Aladdin everyday
— ✨Maddy Morphosis✨ (@MaddyMorphosis) January 16, 2023

My favorite Bon Jovi album pic.twitter.com/W8XpROA8sH
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) January 16, 2023

this dress was the reason google images was invented https://t.co/9vml4xz5vr pic.twitter.com/uSaEUy2HPB
— matt (@mattxiv) January 16, 2023

will be fun to find out, after 40 seconds of googling, that Doug Ford's private surgical clinics will be owned by Vaughan guys who own quarries, with Super Mario moustaches, bloated whale guts jammed into International Clothiers suits, and names like Vincenzamari Putanescattini.
— john (@johnsemley3000) January 16, 2023

(completely overwhelmed) will do!
— Matt Margolis (@ItsMattsLaw) January 17, 2023

 
January 17

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn't private. pic.twitter.com/YU9ZSENL0x
— Paul Jackson (@madebymagnolia) January 17, 2023

My boss asked me to email him an "e" with an accent above it
— Will niedmann (@willniedmann) January 17, 2023

i love when vets knock before they come into the room. like yes my dog is naked but she also arrived that way
— a goose (@nikkifranki) January 17, 2023

Imagine being told to behave by Austin Powers of all people
— ✨Omar Najam✨ $8💵 (@OmarNajam) January 18, 2023

I wouldn't be surprised to find out George Santos is actually a cake
— Eric Schmidt (@TalkingSchmidt) January 18, 2023

Republicans: "We are going to plunge the world economy into chaos unless you cut Social Security!" Democrats: "No." Media: "high wire brinkmanship between the political parties!"
— Brian Schatz (@brianschatz) January 17, 2023

you ever think about how Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got a $30 million podcast deal from Spotify and they haven't put out a single episode and it's been over a year and we get an eighth of a penny per stream
— molly (@mollyomalleyx) January 17, 2023

Stabbed man who got hit by 3 cars then thrown off a bridge probably died from the vaccine https://t.co/v4rABHOlj5 pic.twitter.com/QTG85bFo9M
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) January 17, 2023

Instead of taking pictures of strangers in public without their consent and posting them, this is what everyone should do! This is honestly so much funnier than taking a picture of someone you don't know. https://t.co/RzJFBCc8Dx
— Haley OC (@MILFWEEED) January 17, 2023

Women in Forensics >>> https://t.co/VKg0japsdM
— Duke Silver's Feminist Sax 🏳️‍🌈 (@YaaAsantewaaBa) January 17, 2023

A few weeks ago as we were walking down the street my wife got hit in the chest with a hunk of bread. Never figured out where it came from, or who threw it. It's these little mysteries that keep Philadelphia going.
— Bradford Pearson (@BradfordPearson) January 17, 2023

 
January 18

y'all ever wake up from a dream & be impressed??! like damn, the narrative structure and plot line was amazing 😭😭
— Austine (@theereal_one) January 18, 2023

Every Hotel- "Oh you're on vacation? Breakfast ends at 9am"
— Mr. Graham Kay (@mrgrahamkay) January 18, 2023

Everybody on the Homeland security committee ASKED FOR PARDONS
— Sandi Bachom (@sandibachom) January 19, 2023

George Santos is literally every character Kevin Costner meets in the movie JFK rolled up in one.
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) January 19, 2023

Of course the first known drag queen in congress is a Republican
— Keith Edwards (@keithedwards) January 18, 2023

Wait a minute... pic.twitter.com/5m79zihg3x
— Jason Gallagher (@jga41agher) January 19, 2023

this is brook lopez https://t.co/zgOZ78z0E2
— meredith (@nnneredith) January 19, 2023

This is incredible pic.twitter.com/kCGmhaZ06u
— Mark Schindler (@MG_Schindler) January 18, 2023

👀 pic.twitter.com/mnNbjYvBDj
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 19, 2023

No shit lol. He went from this ➡️ this https://t.co/F12dpcF1Eg pic.twitter.com/OiZDHthVF1
— FuckCars (@FuckCarsReddit) January 18, 2023

LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!! https://t.co/pdRQNXDiHL pic.twitter.com/fuArmAA04N
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 18, 2023

I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2pm on any given day
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 18, 2023

pic.twitter.com/AWkBVwr7bS
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) January 18, 2023

We're hiring influencers and by that I mean firefighters who influence the forest to no longer be on fire.
— Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources (@waDNR) January 18, 2023

I heard the place is overrated….cloudy https://t.co/Bpl7pM9k7s
— David Crosby (@thedavidcrosby) January 18, 2023

January 19

I'll cherish his advice forever. Rest in peace, David Crosby. pic.twitter.com/otXvGeMuq6
— Brian Haley (@brianchaley) January 19, 2023

Bob Dylan on David Crosby:

"Crosby was a colorful and unpredictable character, wore a Mandrake the Magician cape, didn't get along with too many people and had a beautiful voice — an architect of harmony. He could freak out a whole city block all by himself. I liked him a lot."
— Ray Padgett (@rayfp) January 19, 2023

Anti-Abortion protestors get violent when I say the quiet part out loud. pic.twitter.com/NDXUR3F1cq
— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) January 19, 2023

Justin Trudeau calls Doug Ford's for-profit health plans 'innovation' https://t.co/wKK2nNBY4G
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) January 20, 2023

You oughta hear the mouth on me when I'm asked for a charitable donation at the Loblaws checkout: How about THEY make a f*ckin charitable donation of more f*ckin filthy handbaskets by the door cuz nobody can afford a f*ckin cart full of their f*ckin sh*tty sh*t anymore
— Jackie Pirico (@JackiePirico) January 19, 2023

So it turns out George Santos's mother escaped death in the South Tower on 9/11 by being in Brazil.
— Gerard Mulligan (@GerardMulligan1) January 19, 2023

easily the best headline i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/0gNAcYs7VJ
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) January 19, 2023

I actually really respect his commitment to blatantly lying despite looking exactly the same https://t.co/JYT1IwN3qI pic.twitter.com/AldU9mDWXD
— ash mcadams🩸 (@alysmd) January 19, 2023

I would spend it. https://t.co/5Fo443CkOA
— steve albini (@electricalWSOP) January 19, 2023

I was rejected by Apple.
I was rejected by Amazon.
I was rejected by Facebook.

I was 28 years old and broke.

I decided to start my own startup.

Now I'm 30 years old and broke.
— Roshan Patel (@roshanpateI) January 19, 2023

i was gonna say crying pic.twitter.com/VUuFV9Xer7
— jos (@josiahhughes) January 19, 2023

just tried this out. pretty awesome. life is full of fun surprises. grateful for another day here on earth https://t.co/RPqoUbTTzC
— James (@CaucasianJames) January 19, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 20, 2023

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