This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 12, 2018
ROBIN: the batmobile won't start— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what's a tery
I love Twitter. pic.twitter.com/mUdya99Oqp— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) January 6, 2018
2018: Logan paul you're a punk ass ho, and ya needs to get a spankin— derek (@eedrk) January 7, 2018
2038: Mr. President Logan Paul, sir, your latest Vine is very disrespectful, sir, (1/72)
Trump: "There's been no crime."— Lawrence O'Donnell (@Lawrence) January 6, 2018
Nixon: "I'm not a crook."
i thought this lady was fuckin staring at me for 5 minutes till i realized it was a magazine pic.twitter.com/eb0gLWvf6i— vince (@VlNCHY) January 7, 2018
"I think I've wasted enough of my viewers' time" is an iconic way to end an interview pic.twitter.com/t6cxccKoZo— Matthew Champion (@matthewchampion) January 7, 2018
Frances McDormand said she turned to her husband, Joel ("one of the brothers") tonight and asked if he had any #GoldenGlobes. He replied, "Yes, and I got it the best possible way. . .I got it the year the ceremony was canceled. They just mailed it to me."— Julie Miller (@juliewmiller) January 8, 2018
Me, arriving late to watch football: What'd I miss... Since the sport began? Catch me up. Why is the ball pointy?— Clare Belford (@clarebelford) January 8, 2018
Debra Messing drags E! (while being interviewed on E!): "I was so shocked to hear that E! doesn't believing in paying their female co-hosts the same as their male co-hosts" pic.twitter.com/HF3B2uhwtF— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 7, 2018
The year is 2018 and both Tommy Wiseau and Tonya Harding were featured during this year's Golden Globes. Oh, also, a featured extra from Home Alone 2 is president now.— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) January 8, 2018
Ron Howard: "We are honored ... to be here to present the award for best director."— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 8, 2018
Natalie Portman, done with this shit: "And here are the all-male nominees." 🔥 pic.twitter.com/8JboypiADo
Let this sink in:— Andrea Chalupa (@AndreaChalupa) January 8, 2018
Greta Gerwig directed her lead actor to a Golden Globe win
Greta Gerwig directed the film that won best picture
Greta Gerwig was not dominated for best director - all men were. #TIMESUP #GoldenGlobes #LadyBird
MARIO: what should we call ourselves— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) January 8, 2018
LUIGI: luigi and mario? mario and luigi?
MARIO: the mario brothers!
MARIO: it's perfect! i'm mario, and we're brothers!
MARIO: oh my bad, i got it
MARIO: we'll be the SUPER mario brothers!
New York Times does not use Rita Moreno's name, instead calls her "a guest." Rita Moreno is one of 12 EGOTs in history - she has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. pic.twitter.com/gXGPsppZUt— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) January 8, 2018
And now, to cap off this weekend in which I'm trying to fight the perception of being dumb, I will mix up the words "consensual" and "consequential," and then reveal that I don't know the difference between a website and email address pic.twitter.com/s6ErnjyYLR— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 8, 2018
Tonya Harding is white people OJ.— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) January 8, 2018
I'd like to report a murder. pic.twitter.com/h2LkLoQ2mc— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) January 8, 2018
I wonder if they have new songs or if they're just playing the hits! https://t.co/kNb2Kb0HKd— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) January 8, 2018
i regret to inform you that Lena Dunham is at it again pic.twitter.com/PqdHHtDICQ— c a i t l i n🌹 (@hello__caitlin) January 9, 2018
Trump doesn't know the words to the anthem?? pic.twitter.com/NkGI95hX6c— adam ferrone (@_rone) January 9, 2018
┏┓— Alana Hope Levinson (@alanalevinson) January 9, 2018
have accepted that we
will never own a house
Someone Whose Political Competence Puts Me To Sleep 2020— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 8, 2018
Lana del Rey is a ghost and she wants us to solve the mystery of who killed her. The music is clues. I've been saying this for years and nobody takes me seriously— seasonal regression (@morninggloria) January 8, 2018
A month ago Dusty found half a pie in this bush, so every day until the end of time we must closely inspect the Magic Pie Bush. pic.twitter.com/XonAojEU12— Chris Bramwell (@ChrisBramwell) January 9, 2018
*chef's kiss* pic.twitter.com/E5HCwsoibJ— Angela Hanks (@AngelaHanks) January 9, 2018
every day while you go about your life, at work or in the parks, with family or friends, there are drummers tucked away alone in dark rehearsal rooms, practicing on the drums— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) January 10, 2018
President Trump, who has said Barack Obama wasn't born in the United States and Ted Cruz's father was behind JFK assassination, says laws should make it harder to say things that are false.— Matt Viser (@mviser) January 10, 2018
i got into the elevator at my office today with a guy who i don't know and we both reached for the same button so i said "floor buddies" and he didn't respond so i am seeking employment elsewhere. let me know of any jobs please— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 11, 2018
Canadian comedians always think they need to move to LA to make it, but what about working hard enough to transcend your flesh containers to become a pure beam of light that can travel throughout the universe?— Chris Locke (@chrislockefun) January 11, 2018
Literally hours apart pic.twitter.com/TvhHtpAfXq— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) January 11, 2018
"This is CNN Tonight, I'm Don Lemon.— Jordan (@jordansdiamonds) January 12, 2018
The President of the United States is racist. A lot of us already knew that."
Genius. Until today, if you Googled "Trump" and "shithole" all you got were hotel reviews.— Grant Hamilton (@Gramiq) January 12, 2018
This is how you handle racism...you cut them off! Don Lemon is a national treasure! pic.twitter.com/JuKadPjtZM— Shomeo (@SassBaller) January 12, 2018
I'm a future Doctor.— Señorita 🌸 (@AF_ROdisiac) January 12, 2018
I'm a medical student.
I have 3 degrees.
I speak 3 languages.
I'm published in Psych-Oncology.
I'm a member of Zeta Phi Beta.
I'm from a #ShitHole country! 🇸🇸 pic.twitter.com/NXeQCjhLTH
if only we held the President if the United States to the same high standards as we do to our YouTube stars— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 11, 2018
I remember when Americans found Canada hilarious because they elected Rob Ford mayor of Toronto. Karma is a true bitch.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 12, 2018
Wen did you know Trump was racist?— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) January 11, 2018
1. Housing discrimination
2. Central Park 5 lie
4. Called Mexicans drug dealers
5. Ban on Muslims
6. Pardoned Joe Arpaio
7. Nazis are "very fine people"
8. Endorsed slave-supporter Roy Moore
9. Called black countries "shitholes"
Norway has universal health care and FORTY-SIX WEEKS of paid parental leave. Why the hell would anyone living there give that up to move here?— Molly Knight (@molly_knight) January 11, 2018
Bullshit.— Keith Olbermann (@KeithOlbermann) January 12, 2018
You, @realDonaldTrump, are a coward and a weakling, too terrified to face protestors there or here. And you should be. We will remove you from power and put you and your Shithole Family in the prison you deserve. pic.twitter.com/MxtUEMy32u
OK, here is a summary:— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) January 12, 2018
- The president is claiming he's not going to visit a top ally because he's unhappy about a real estate decision by the Obama admin
- The decision was actually made by the Bush admin
- The decision was made for anti-terror reasons
- It is midnight
The military doesn't shut down in a government shutdown. pic.twitter.com/CiHSv2UOaT— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) January 12, 2018
when bodyguards whisper into their jacket they are telling their pocketworm that she is their best friend— 🌈Demi Lardner🌈 (@DemiLardner) January 12, 2018
TRUMP: I am a racist.— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) January 12, 2018
MEDIA: Let's go to our panelists. Is Donald Trump a racist?