January 5
[last day of creative writing class]
— alien skier 👽👽👽 (@ClichedOut) January 5, 2019
"Are u ready to name your band?"
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Here's Trump using cun*t in public... also fu@k, motherfu@ckers, bit@h, a$$, bull$hit, $hit, pu$$y, and saying he has "sex" in common with daughter Ivanka.
— Bryan Dawson (@BryanDawsonUSA) January 5, 2019
Spare me your conservative "civility." Hypocrites all. You worship this. You are complicit.pic.twitter.com/0tJBNnOdYb
Your Smiths album name is the mildest complaint you had about the last dining experience you had outside of your home. Mine is The Potatoes Weren't All I Expected
— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) January 5, 2019
"Ladies leave your man at home, the club is full of ballers and they pockets full grown" -Destiny's Child verse 26 chapter 12 https://t.co/JPeoDVZZfV
— bLAKE (@SaddyBey) January 5, 2019
in france it's called men https://t.co/nmwlvP3gNA
— ju ✨ acab (@sheeratson) January 5, 2019
You have never made anything come https://t.co/eXF2rSc7uX
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 6, 2019
January 6
in college we named our intramural softball team "NO GAME SCHEDULED" because if the other team didn't show up they lost their league deposit and
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) January 6, 2019
forfeited. it worked several times. everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.
I like watching an actor spend their entire career doing American accents and the second they win award it's like "FANK YOU AND FANK 'VYONE 'HO 'ELPED ME"
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 7, 2019
I'm so sick of old rich white men.
— Ryan Stiles (@WhoseRyanStiles) January 6, 2019
Except you Drew Carey.
Thank you for my house.
"What a rollercoaster of character development!" pic.twitter.com/7tpPQLKfVG
— Fluff Society (@FluffSociety) January 6, 2019
y'all ... this is how my little brother came out to my mom in 2015 & I've still got it stuck in my head pic.twitter.com/S6n5KdzWZe
— Ally Shepherd (@allyshepp) January 6, 2019
January 7
having too many tabs open is an age-old problem pic.twitter.com/TAustEZZSC
— Sara Yasin 🙅🏻 (@sarayasin) January 7, 2019
I LOVE IKEA BECAUSE WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET AN AFFORDABLE DESK THAT WILL REVEAL EVERY FLAW IN YOUR PERSONALITY BY THE TIME IT IS ASSEMBLED
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) January 7, 2019
So this lady came in this morning and walked up to the front desk to greet us before gasping loudly and saying "I forgot my dog"
— khyamii from 79th ⛈ (@itsKhyamii) January 7, 2019
She forgot to bring her dog with her
To the VET
dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside n they want em
— ism*** (@ishcasa) January 7, 2019
absolutely losing it at this guy's website pic.twitter.com/7WYuaiSBrS
— wheels (@wheelswordsmith) January 7, 2019
January 8
There are numerous examples of presidential addresses made to calm a frightened public. This will be the first to frighten a calm public.
— stuart stevens (@stuartpstevens) January 8, 2019
I guess the best way to explain my relationship with my mom is that when I was in high school she told me that if I swallowed cum and was murdered, "they'll announce your stomach contents on the news and everyone will know."
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 8, 2019
Only in the UK. pic.twitter.com/rKsaNC0SPt
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 8, 2019
January 9
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced after realizing that marriage counts as a union.
— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) January 9, 2019
What the fresh hell. This is REAL. Filmed in 1958- about a conman who grifts a small town of suckers into building a wall. History not subtle enough for you? GUESS THE GRIFTER'S NAME
— Alex Hirsch (@_AlexHirsch) January 9, 2019
(And watch until the end) pic.twitter.com/6FA3p6KC00
TSA has officially stopped giving a fuck. SICKO MODE (dirty version) is playing on the speakers at JFK lmfaooo
— lsdipalma (@LSDiPalma) January 9, 2019
"Dude, if your ancestors can take our land, then why can't you take a joke? At least the joke was given willingly."
— Genie Lauren-Bezos (@MoreAndAgain) January 10, 2019
BRUH! LMAO! pic.twitter.com/wZQCIkEove
MVP update pic.twitter.com/6pMNa6lcM6
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 10, 2019
January 10
Oh man, once Trump gets his wall he better hope no one shows Mexico this old video we found. pic.twitter.com/FtzeGlmecz
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) January 10, 2019
This is not an apology, and it is also...not an accurate description of an onion. pic.twitter.com/gkoLuBp5vq
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 10, 2019
god bless this shortened url https://t.co/qFfV28uZQI
— Rachel "The Yellow Dart" Feltman (@RachelFeltman) January 10, 2019
I missed my flight and it was 4 hours until the next so this is what I did pic.twitter.com/BPHMU9q5km
— lil hunny (@katiemgould) January 10, 2019
This comb-over is so outrageous it's kind of baller pic.twitter.com/QVHs8nGH58
— Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) January 10, 2019
Jeff Bezos sexts like he's an AI in a human suit pic.twitter.com/UjfOQv0UZk
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 10, 2019
Sure but the Star Wars prequels start with a *checks notes* trade war. https://t.co/iVLnNzCjaT
— Connor O'Brien (@connorobrienNH) January 11, 2019
I think we've had enough of the President running the government like one of his businesses.
— Mark Warner (@MarkWarner) January 11, 2019
Try F'n Chantix. pic.twitter.com/qBOJdy806e
— kyle Dunnigan (@kyledunnigan) January 11, 2019
January 11
New party, who dis? https://t.co/2cznisv8tB
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) January 11, 2019
AOC is going to tweet about anime and this site will be unusable for two hours
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 11, 2019
People keep asking why my special isn't on Netflix let me beak it down easy.
— Ronald Funches (@RonFunches) January 11, 2019
Netflix 💰
Comedy Central 💰 💰 💰
My son don't eat exposure.
Go buy it on iTunes for 3 bucks ya cheap ho.
