This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 7, 2020
February 1
Goofy has died
— Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) February 2, 2020
In England, math is called crisps
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 1, 2020
or is she https://t.co/NdFqnfzzPA
— Steve Kandell (@SteveKandell) February 1, 2020
It's fun getting room service. I just love eating a $19 hamburger at a desk in front of a mirror.
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) February 2, 2020
Just called this Jamaican restaurant and asked for their hours. The lady said "yes" and hung up. I cannot wait to eat there, it's gonna be amazing
— M. (@lovelarrieuxx) February 1, 2020
Happy Black History Month ✊🏽🖤 pic.twitter.com/bMRMOd43dz
— Papi Chulo 🇩🇴 (@pettyasskendry) February 1, 2020
February 2
Happy Mother Fucking Black History Month https://t.co/iZaBzSIwgK
— Chidden Nuddet (@Maraculousness) February 2, 2020
yes the fuck she could! pic.twitter.com/4Y65Ya3bc4 https://t.co/1mofqDvldF
— antonio (@guxpito) February 3, 2020
Shakira is 43
— Linette Lopez (@lopezlinette) February 3, 2020
Lev Parnas is 47
J Lo is 50
This morning I received an unsolicited dick pic via @instagram from a man I do not know. What follows is a beautiful story I wove about an app I made up, that should exist. Enjoy! pic.twitter.com/7O9VDpwPct
— deathbecomesus.com (@Jenn_Tisdale) February 2, 2020
The internet is undefeated...😂😂pic.twitter.com/EnkGZgEGQj
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) February 3, 2020
Ellie, no. I am the "diabeetus" guy. https://t.co/ZsJrviWrwT
— Wilford Brimley (@RealWilfordB) February 3, 2020
This is the best thing you'll see today 😍
— Akki (@akkitwts) February 2, 2020
pic.twitter.com/xhOsd3imIM
February 3
They really did this during their wrestling match 🤣
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) February 4, 2020
(via brentpulliam_16, a.clough11/IG) pic.twitter.com/kjub9jscDf
I've worked professionally in software for 18 years and I can say with certainty that you should not use software for anything
— Stephen "😭" Woods (@ysaw) February 4, 2020
It might be helpful to have a President and government that understand technology so this sort of thing doesn't happen.
— Andrew Yang🧢 (@AndrewYang) February 4, 2020
Incredible. pic.twitter.com/mly27zQu9O
— Luke Savage (@LukewSavage) February 4, 2020
I've never seen JLo's tits.
— The True American (@TheTrueAmerica5) February 3, 2020
I've never seen Shakira's tits.
But I have seen Melania's tits.
Before Magats start preaching their hypocritical puritanical nonsense, they should remember their "classiest First Lady ever" came to the US as a "model" (and that's being polite).
Love all the conservative dudes who are like "I wouldn't want my daughter to do what J.Lo did." She's 50. You'll be dead by then anyway
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 3, 2020
For everyone freaking out over the scant outfits worn by J Lo and Shakira last night: here is how cheerleaders dress, I'm sorry you've never seen them before. pic.twitter.com/DpaIsT0RYE
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) February 3, 2020
My 2 yo daughter watched the Super Bowl halftime show. She's now a stripper and selling pictures of her feet online. She's supporting the entire family and we've never been more proud.
— Lexi Brown, PhD (@lexilafleur) February 3, 2020
jesus christ almighty lmfao pic.twitter.com/Tpt4NY1l8j
— the every lot liker (@Capittalism) February 3, 2020
This is real. This is a real-life post by an anti-abortion activist. You can't make this shit up. pic.twitter.com/wDjmU2ZHyh
— Hayley Farless (@hayleyfarless) February 3, 2020
February 4
I don't know if this dog training for Westminster but if he is, he gone be ready. pic.twitter.com/DMalRM5pN7
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) February 4, 2020
I'm gonna be really pissed if after all of this Bran is the nominee.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 4, 2020
Huge win for clumsy guys with brain damage. https://t.co/8oMs4KW7UZ
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 4, 2020
Holy shit. Call the burn unit. https://t.co/Y2XyFbs7w5
— New Hampshire's Dave Anthony (@daveanthony) February 5, 2020
February 5
This—this is American news. https://t.co/BRkVHPZ34H
— Bria (@briagabrielle_) February 5, 2020
Bernie is gay? https://t.co/iLW93FN9vT
— 🤠 (@WhiteSoxSlater) February 5, 2020
My friend met his husband at a sex party whilst sucking the same dick.................................................................................................................................................................................Your move, hallmark movie channel
— ZNT (@ZachNoeTowers) February 6, 2020
A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, "Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?" And I said, "Yes. That's exactly who I am. Let me get my coat."
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) February 5, 2020
I wonder if every Bryan Adams story is this good! https://t.co/4DuCbIrl7G
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) February 6, 2020
imagine getting so horny that you call an attorney https://t.co/qE8wdL8wE6
— josh terry (@JoshhTerry) February 5, 2020
February 6
Dentist: open wide
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 6, 2020
Me: :)
Dentist: not your arms
Me: :(
She said they're gonna tell them to do WHAT???🤣🤣😭 pic.twitter.com/5laI1HOCC8
— 🇧🇧 (@rahm3sh) February 7, 2020
This week my kid (nicely) asked me to stop inquiring about her day after school because "it is a little annoying to get the same question every day" and that if she had something important to tell me she would.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) February 6, 2020
SHE IS NINE WHAT THE FUCK
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
— the drake gatsby ❤️ (@DrakeGatsby) February 6, 2020
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What's that, a button? Fine
i believe this insane / horny valentine my youngest sister made for a school project deserves wider attention pic.twitter.com/nmXsNsEPCT
— Kelley Valentime's Day L Word Barista Quinn (@heyKQ) February 6, 2020
Cat snoring through an echo microphone of the day. pic.twitter.com/Rkic9X0u6k
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) February 6, 2020
February 7
when you're in an uber from the airport to a new city pic.twitter.com/0bwjZNPUXg
— J Λ M Ξ S (@jamesglynn) February 7, 2020
Mayor Pete's message is connecting with the unemployed https://t.co/IluFaddj1o
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 8, 2020
I'm surprised british people call mac n cheese just mac n cheese and not like PiDDyWiCkLeS & ChOnKerS
— brittany (@Brittany_broski) February 7, 2020
Didn't Trudeau just get in trouble for this pic.twitter.com/v6QfCrL9vZ
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 8, 2020
— Tim Heidecker (@timheidecker) February 8, 2020