This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 23, 2018
Garfield is a cat and doesn't have a job. The only ostensible difference between Monday and any other day is that Jon suddenly isn't around after having been home all weekend. Garfield doesn't hate Mondays, he loves Jon and is too proud to say it.— Colley (@JamColley) February 18, 2018
meanwhile at the Winter Olympics pic.twitter.com/4YFE0669Nj— It's A Guy Thing (@ItsGuyThing) February 18, 2018
That movie 'The Birds' is on. I wish I was in that movie. I woulda eaten all them birds right off the bat. A deep fryer. A little hot sauce maybe. That shit woulda been a short film. "Where'd all those asshole birds go?" Cut to me wiping my mouth with a napkin and whatnot.— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 18, 2018
Literally dying at these reactions. Fergie with the worst rendition ever. Embiid 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/ociAsWf0LC— Isaac Harris (@IsaacLHarris) February 19, 2018
The Eric Trump of anthems pic.twitter.com/Gg9OgM8OXj— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2018
most teachers can't even turn off youtube autoplay and republicans want to trust them with guns— emi (@plantblogger) February 18, 2018
I have lost all interest in the films actually on offer. I demand to see these ones. pic.twitter.com/z4TcJLUUXh— February Name (@nimbus_nought) February 18, 2018
This is the most frustrating gif I've ever seen in my life pic.twitter.com/eTzcg4LJfq— Casanova 🇯🇲 (@KRUZAA_) February 18, 2018
I wish there was some way to know that a type of weapon would be used for assault— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 19, 2018
I have watched the video of Fergie singing the National Anthem six times today and now I will type it out phonetically so we may all marvel at its genius:— Bri LeRose (@BriLeRose) February 19, 2018
Whoa say can you seeee by the dawn zearrrlyyy lie
Wah so prowww lay way haywl at the twiiiiiy light's last gliy miyn
Sometimes the Bad site is actually Good pic.twitter.com/vtSyFvJg4v— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 19, 2018
White people : black people are doing too much. Wakanda doesn't even exist.— Caysus (@Caleb__Eli) February 20, 2018
Black people : Neither does Hogwarts.
White people: pic.twitter.com/6fJq2CVFxC
CONSERVATIVES: What could have motivated these kids to speak out against gun violence!?— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) February 20, 2018
KIDS: We watched our friends get shot to death and were almost murdered ourselves.
CONSERVATIVES: I'll bet they were paid by "Dumbocrats".
KIDS: No, we-
CONSERVATIVES: Hehe, "Dumbocrats".
Wait, did Trump cheat with Stormy or Karen first? I'm just trying to— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) February 20, 2018
get his affairs in order.
Trump inspires the worst human beings in politics to be themselves. pic.twitter.com/fSbLtSAEcS— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) February 20, 2018
Ah, the proud conservative intellectual tradition of *looks at notes* making fun of high school kids who survived a mass shooting and want something to be done to prevent more of them pic.twitter.com/TPwqFZG0ku— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 20, 2018
Somebody said white people shouldnt be mad about Black Panther cause they got Pink Panther LMAOOOOO. Fucking screaming— miss thang 🌹 (@AsiaAtItAgain) February 20, 2018
You. Piece. Of. Shit. pic.twitter.com/Kp5ecGQN6E— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 20, 2018
I just wish these high school students had some relevant expertise before speaking out about public policy, like owning a beauty pageant or being the host of The Apprentice— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 21, 2018
Here is a summary of the CNN Townhall with Marco Rubio pic.twitter.com/J6pb36aYlV— Godlito (@CzarIito) February 22, 2018
Teachers should have guns.— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) February 22, 2018
Principals should have guns.
Waiters should have guns.
Tailors should have guns.
Doctors should have guns.
Nurses should have guns.
Uber drivers should have guns.
Dogs should have guns.
Cats should have guns.
Guns should also have other guns.
Hi, I'm a teacher. I don't want a gun. I could use some more dry erase markers. Thanks for your time.— Jacob Leland (@mrdrleland) February 22, 2018
In case you didn't know:— John Ford (@jhford) February 21, 2018
1. Canada has a Strategic National Maple Syrup Reserve
2. It was stolen
3. Netflix has a documentary about the theft
4. I've discovered what I want to be when I grow up pic.twitter.com/9zfoP87bnY
Stoneman Douglas student shooting survivor Sam Zeif was asked if he felt like he was heard at the White House. He answered, "I know I was heard because I saw it on Trump's little card." https://t.co/jHtRqgyAk5 #parkland pic.twitter.com/WC2HsQCu2X— Sarah Reese Jones (@PoliticusSarah) February 22, 2018
You know, when I said I wanted the real world to be more like Harry Potter I just meant the teleportation and the magic stuff, not the entire plot of book 5 where the government refuses to do anything about a deadly threat so the teenagers have to rise up and fight back.— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) February 22, 2018
Stoneman Douglas had an armed guard. Pulse had an armed guard. Mandalay Bay had enough armed personnel to occupy France. Fort Hood is a military base. https://t.co/Ruy1CfNlbD— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) February 22, 2018
My step dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school bc I was "too stupid to be a doctor"— kb (@kbnoswag) February 22, 2018
8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom
Chris Kyle the greatest american sniper in military history was shot and killed when confronted by a "crazy guy" with a gun. So we just have to train the teachers a lil bit better than Chris Kyle.— Tim Hanlon (@TimfromDa70s) February 22, 2018
The NRA hijacking Leslie Knope. Ted Cruz trying to co-opt The Simpsons. These are symptoms of the GOP panicking 'cuz smart teens are owning them left and right, but not knowing how to reach said teens. Next up: Rubio raps!— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 22, 2018
Always a good idea to turn off location services when you're pretending to be a southern Republican. pic.twitter.com/el0h7KlbqW— TheWellArmedLiberal (@HaileyWheelgun) February 22, 2018
We should change the names of AR-15s to "Marco Rubio" because they are so easy to buy.— Sarah Chadwick// #NEVERAGAIN (@sarahchad_) February 23, 2018
My Scientology handler Gus is in a real mood today. Not sure why. Maybe my impersonation of L. Ron having sex? Not sure. pic.twitter.com/10dn4KSrwb— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) February 23, 2018