New crocs, Cancun rocks, Rush walks, Barb talks, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 12

mfs be like "feb" cuz they can't spell februawary
— ً (@imakayIa) February 13, 2021

It's been two days & im still losing it over this pic.twitter.com/tptRIgqU9v
— ambrr (@amberharlow__) February 13, 2021

Just taking a moment to enjoy this comedy of errors again pic.twitter.com/rqVnPKi4pE
— Jessica Baker 🌙✨ (@JessBoneBreaker) February 12, 2021

You know who doesn't get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they're a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.
— Jennifer Adcock, RPG Designer (@JenKatWrites) February 13, 2021

1998: "i don't like this silly pop star Britney."
2003: "actually this 'Toxic' song is kinda good"
2021: "Comrade Spears is in the vanguard."
— No investigation, no right to speak ✡️🔥🤦🏽‍♂️ (@EvelKneidel) February 12, 2021

when someone ghosts you, respect the dead & move on.
— ♥ briancée ♡ (@yungchipotle) February 12, 2021

agab: assigned gender at birth

my brain: all gender are bastards
— not sara (@smithsara79) February 12, 2021

Trudeau sends Valentine cards to all 1.4-million Indigenous people https://t.co/DlJOIYFKjN
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) February 13, 2021

February 13

pic.twitter.com/tJH3n1yMsg
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) February 14, 2021

how's the govt going to give ME a credit score when they're 27 TRILLION in debt????? handle ur own bbygirl
— bre coleman (@brejcoleman) February 13, 2021

The most American thing I can think of is that 57 people voted to convict and 43 voted to acquit, and the 43 people won
— Margaret Owen, Temporary Hermit (@what_eats_owls) February 13, 2021

pic.twitter.com/mw4MbdE229
— Uncle That's Really Just Your Dad's Friend (@facebookvillain) February 13, 2021

the cOST???? of LIVING??????? has anybody even said that out loud lol
— nat "cops break laws to terrorize/intimidate" puff (@LeftAtLondon) February 13, 2021

Maybe a bunch of 25-year-old white male slave owners were not the most brilliant systems designers to walk the planet. Maybe we should finally actually have that conversation.

Maybe some of us have spent our lives engineering better governance structures and have some thoughts
— Woke But Petty (@marcformarc) February 13, 2021

pic.twitter.com/KOJ7UpWtLj
— Dudes Posting Their W's (@DudespostingWs) February 13, 2021

same thing pic.twitter.com/tZkkEWVUsW
— italians mad at food (@ItalianComments) February 13, 2021

February 14

extra virgin olive oil?? no thank you.... i want the olives that have fucked
— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 14, 2021

Absolutely losing my mind pic.twitter.com/3oi6gNkNTr
— Hall...er...BackGirl (@TheHallWay1) February 14, 2021

By owning like 50% of entertainment properties pic.twitter.com/N07hsDZ5bD
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) February 14, 2021

I have no words pic.twitter.com/KYelxvb7VO
— holly 🦕 (@hollywheeler_) February 14, 2021

One day I'm gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) February 14, 2021

valentines halloween
🤝
chocolate and pretending
— ꧁Madimoiselle꧂ (@drivingmemadi) February 14, 2021

She was fuckin that shit UP 😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/DsRm8QS2hO
— WeOutchea (@WeOutcheaAgain) February 14, 2021

Absolutely losing it at this pic.twitter.com/61ptSDGjql
— Sniper Monkey (@_blutgang) February 15, 2021

???? pic.twitter.com/gQhQbj35Ru
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 15, 2021

February 15

the hot pocket when you get it out of the microwave pic.twitter.com/tfEPNOIgJL
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) February 15, 2021

IF I SAY GOODNIGHT AND AN HOUR LATER YOU SEE ME ONLINE IT'S NOT THAT I LIED, IT'S JUST THAT I FAILED
— AKIN (@Akinjoshua2017) February 16, 2021

I asked my students today what keeps them motivated. One of them said "spite."
— Dr. Chris Jones, pickle friend (@ProfChrisMJones) February 15, 2021

You ever think about your 3 irl friends who follow you on Twitter and how they wish they didn't know all of this
— Wile E. Peyote (@e_peyote) February 16, 2021

Queering the workplace by reading "MS Excel" as "Miss Excel"
— Alex (@hellohubbard) February 15, 2021

when u stop using the big light and start using lamps instead u really never go back
— zach (@xyzachh) February 15, 2021

Me: "yeah when I was homeless—"
Some fucking liberal: " oh you mean houseless****"
Me: 👁👄👁
— 🎀Milfshake Monroe🎀🔪 (@peachmilfshake) February 15, 2021

Any time a friend recommends their therapist it's like... I've seen their work. Not for me.
— Justin Clark (@justinhclark) February 16, 2021

SHE'S DOING WHAT? pic.twitter.com/rjjJlXnWro
— Patrick: Year Of The Rascal (@lunch_enjoyer) February 15, 2021

The bank says I can't afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
— Kat 🖤 (@KatMeanJean) February 15, 2021

February 16

i come before you with a humble idea pic.twitter.com/Pc7MMkk2Qw
— hawk's little weirdchamp (@D3KUDESTR0YER) February 16, 2021

She ate him up so fast 😭 pic.twitter.com/bGS94RslGy
— Victor Carlesi (@VictorCarlesi) February 16, 2021

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work pic.twitter.com/foRCFOvDxa
— PubicZirconium, p.p. (@PubicZirconium) February 16, 2021

This is in the last 6 months in new earth weather pic.twitter.com/1vtDKZHm1I
— C.M. Guatemalan Chkn Wings (@cmrtyz) February 16, 2021

February 17

Reading the news is like when you open the closet and everything falls on your head even a bowling ball
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) February 17, 2021

#RIPRush pic.twitter.com/niEamqQC8o
— Mr. Victor Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) February 17, 2021

That'll do, pig.
— Christine Nangle (@nanglish) February 17, 2021

any tv writers interested in working on Emily in Paris season 2? One of our writers (Rush Limbaugh) just died unexpectedly this morning so we're hiring
— abby govindan (@abbygov) February 17, 2021

Whenever you criticize a person who just died, you always get the response, "How would you feel if someone was happy *you* died?" Which, I dunno. I'd be dead. But also, if thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people are happy I died, it possibly means I did fucked up shit.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 17, 2021

Trying to live my life in a way that "Rest In Piss" doesn't start trending within 5 minutes of people learning about my death
— Barred and Boujee (@AudreLawdAMercy) February 17, 2021

The ideal life is being born in 1947 being age 20 in 1967 to fuck in a field and take LSD and then buy a house for $5000 after walk into a bank to get a job and impress them with your third grade reading level and then die before 2001 with your well hedged investment portfolio
— LORD strike me down (@godisgood420) February 18, 2021

If someone shrunk their kids today they'd be cancelled, straight up
— Kyle Harris (@heykyleharris) February 17, 2021

Netflix be like "we know exactly what movie you talkin bout but we ain't got it lol"
— The Emperor (@GiftedAsia) February 18, 2021

the notes app apology is the most significant new literary genre of the past decade
— actually it's good (@yungchomsky) February 18, 2021

People with dishwashers have had a different quarantine
— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) February 18, 2021

February 18

It's Blame Your Daughter At Work Day.
— Carl Quintanilla (@carlquintanilla) February 18, 2021

I'm sorry, but if you've never dropped your kids off in Cancun for a play date during a pandemic and a humanitarian crisis in your home state that's probably because you're just a liberal Hollywood elitist with no values.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) February 18, 2021

My children asked to travel abroad during a global pandemic. Wanting to be a good parent, I said, "That's ridiculous."
— Esther Choo MD MPH (@choo_ek) February 18, 2021

Finding out ted cruz's daughters are 10 and 12 makes this story even more unhinged
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) February 18, 2021

what Ted Cruz just did is what every wealthy person's response will be to climate catastrophe.
— Polyamorous Tantric Sex Guru (@BethLynch2020) February 18, 2021

wtf was this statement???? pic.twitter.com/JSwhMJVCRi
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) February 18, 2021

I feel like I owe @tedcruz an apology. When he voted against sending aid to my home state of New Jersey after Sandy I accused him of only caring about Texas. I was obviously wrong.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) February 19, 2021

While doing some research on the Seinfeld porn parody I learned some interesting things about the actor who played "Crammer." pic.twitter.com/ALvNImt6P1
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 19, 2021

Thanks for sharing Barb. pic.twitter.com/SHuPCDiCD5
— 🌸✨ 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕪 𝕄𝕦𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕥 ✨🌸 (@420mercymain) February 18, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 19, 2021

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