This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 14, 2020
February 8
Adam Sandler's outrageous and memorable acceptance speech for Best Male Lead at the Independent Film Spirit Awards (1/2) pic.twitter.com/0osA87uQJ4
— chip / uncut gems spoiler guy (@chipoffyoblock) February 9, 2020
The guy delivering statues at the Independent Spirit Awards didn't bother to put down his sandwich before coming onstage. pic.twitter.com/iNAxi2HlfW
— bunklore (@bunklore) February 8, 2020
Me to Son: why do you watch so much Wild N Out? This show is dumb.
— Sylvia K. Alston (@SylviaKAlston) February 8, 2020
Son to me: I watch shows that keep me in a good mood & don't stress me out. You come home & watch the news, it makes you mad & then you have an attitude for the day.
Me: currently watching Wild N Out.
🤦🏾♀️
I can't even engage with this headline until we discuss the jeans in this stock photo https://t.co/ued83nHwgW
— Olivia Messer 💀 (@OliviaMesser) February 8, 2020
February 9
"Milk is bad." - the Joker
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 10, 2020
tfw you drink almond milk pic.twitter.com/bJIolX2RFU
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) February 10, 2020
THE OSCAR GOES TO EMINEM'S PUBLICIST
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) February 10, 2020
My short documentary "Birds, the Fish of the Sky" did not win an Oscar. I appreciate privacy during this difficult time.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 10, 2020
when wizards from different factions convene a council because there is great turmoil in the land pic.twitter.com/TBnHZ5zDHf
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) February 9, 2020
1989: Oscar winner plays Joker
— Griffin Newman (@GriffLightning) February 10, 2020
2008: Joker player wins Oscar
2016: Oscar winner plays Joker
2019: Joker player wins Oscar
Standing with Parasite crew, I got congratulated A LOT. Lol.
— John Cho (@JohnTheCho) February 10, 2020
Joaquin Phoenix fucked up the cow joke I wrote for him
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) February 10, 2020
Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out pic.twitter.com/br7YqVlhwF
— ames ✨ (@thisisames) February 10, 2020
Shout out to the drunk intern having a blast writing NYT Oscars captions. pic.twitter.com/X1pjCPEre6
— Heather Kelly (@heatherkelly) February 10, 2020
I'm a little sad Joan Rivers didn't live long enough to have a meltdown about how she doesn't get Billie Eilish.
— Guy Branum (@guybranum) February 9, 2020
please enjoy this gif of bong joon ho giggling at his oscar pic.twitter.com/6ErVC8NEef
— Kathryn VanArendonk (@kvanaren) February 10, 2020
February 10
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don't know what to do with this student pic.twitter.com/Sgn07Kaq6D
— Alexis De Wokeville (@MrAlexisPereira) February 10, 2020
Tonight. pic.twitter.com/NOtGNwRclf
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) February 10, 2020
The funny thing is though he's not joking. And he's right! https://t.co/8pvGdfHOuO
— edgarwright (@edgarwright) February 10, 2020
February 11
She's gonna disappear and come back to win a third Oscar in 10 years with both sleeves https://t.co/1pbTCcPvVA
— Alejandro (@adounce) February 11, 2020
why all the hot girls from the same country? like where even is 🏳️🌈?
— 🧑🏾🎤 (@workingoncrying) February 12, 2020
nobody:
— THEY/THEM (@terfhearse) February 12, 2020
people from ny: i live in new yawk. i have three roommates. two of dem are rats. we eat pizza fawh dinnuh every night. de rent? 4000 dollars a SECOND
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad's bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of "he's a lesbian in his bones" jokes
— Molly Priddy (@mollypriddy) February 11, 2020
NETFLIX: Chris, we recommend a movie that did very poorly in 2016
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) February 11, 2020
70% of marriage is yelling "what" from a different room.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020
February 12
Is it me or is it hilariously satisfying to see these dudes get G checked 😂🤷🏽♂️ pic.twitter.com/AfYBNztc7P
— My Name is Eli (@EliSeeney) February 13, 2020
thinking of this scene in Taken 3 where we get 15 cuts to show Liam Neeson jump a fence pic.twitter.com/YPm2Cf2NWK
— TZE CHUN (@thetzechun) February 12, 2020
complaining that Wes Anderson has made another Wes Anderson movie is like being mad at a bagel for having a hole in the middle. just take my money and give me one with everything.
— david ehrlich (@davidehrlich) February 12, 2020
ME: hello
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) February 12, 2020
CHARACTER IN A WES ANDERSON FILM: good evening. or salutations. or perhaps it's almost goodnight, i'm sorry. i was never good with time or clocks or meaningful friendships, huh. ...do you know how to get to the *TITLE OF FILM*? *blinks thrice*
*90s FRENCH SONG PLAYS*
true chaotic evil pic.twitter.com/areBiifx5c
— △⃒⃘ (@iatemuggles) February 12, 2020
February 13
I can never tell if I'm dehydrated, or getting sick, or suffering from allergies, or depressed, or sleep deprived, or anxious, or bored, or if this is just what life feels like.
— JONAH RAY RODRIGUES (@jonahray) February 14, 2020
Yes, men have described my breasts as "pillowy," YES it is because they occasionally leak goose feathers,
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) February 13, 2020
This Barr interview is DeNiro in Goodfellas yelling at Johnny Roastbeef for buying his wife a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist.
— Matthew Miller (@matthewamiller) February 13, 2020
This lady on facebook said her coworker had to have a conference with her sons teacher because of a note he wrote. Y'all. Please read the note. 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/oksT80EwKv
— Kennedy ✨ (@HelloKennedi) February 13, 2020
life comes at you fast https://t.co/UlCkqf2mDG pic.twitter.com/Co5D8iVVGL
— dissociate manager (@ericschmerick) February 13, 2020
February 14
Stages of Trump
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 14, 2020
- I didn't do it.
- The Democrats did it.
- I don't remember doing it.
- If I did do it, it's not a crime.
- Yeah I did it, bitches, and I'll do it again.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
— the drake gatsby ❤️ (@DrakeGatsby) February 14, 2020
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what's his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You're always on that damn phone
Good news! I learned your name today! https://t.co/ofDVqF74Oe
— James Holzhauer (@James_Holzhauer) February 14, 2020
Oh, dear lord. Stay away from the front row at Aerosmith shows. pic.twitter.com/h6ji7mZV1W
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) February 14, 2020
rose: yes, i was on the titanic
— randy (@randypaint) February 14, 2020
guy: okay, where is this diamond
rose: first i'm gonna tell u about this boy
guy: can u just tell us where the-
rose: best sex of my life. easily.