Egg cat, Zoom cat, the Jon Kay/Seth Rogen spat, explaining the baseball bat, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 5

Punk: The world is fucked and I'm pissed
Emo: The world is fucked and I'm sad
Goth: The world is fucked but there's beauty
Ska: The world is fucked. I have a trumpet
— Bly 💗💜💙 (@PunkRockPagan) February 5, 2021

white lady asked if she could go in front of me at Starbucks today and I said "no it's black history month" lmfaoo why she say "ok im sorry"
— 🤎 (@HalleDria) February 5, 2021

jane fonda jane fonda
in the 80's in her 80's pic.twitter.com/1SBhD5Ruaa
— berry (@sckberry) February 5, 2021

Remember when Papa John got all sweaty, ate 50 pizzas in 30 days, and promised "the day of reckoning will come," then like the next day COVID happened?
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) February 6, 2021

Sex is first base. Fourth base is i introduce u to my stuffed animals
— calathea (@eggshellfriend) February 6, 2021

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
— tristan (@TristanAlva) February 5, 2021

February 6

the home depot guy asking me about my project and gradually realizing i am trying to build my own home depot
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) February 6, 2021

I love the 'you can't live in fear forever' covid denying people bc it's like sweetie yes I can what do you think anxiety is I am perfect at it actually
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) February 7, 2021

He's the worst athlete in this picture https://t.co/smjrmhEXAy
— Kyle Carr (Openly Black) (@KyleCoche) February 6, 2021

i literally have a portal that brings life into this world??? please lower your tone when you speak to me.
— mika🏹 (@themikalaleeann) February 6, 2021

what is joe biden and kamala harris' plans to finally make justin timberlake pay for his crimes against janet jackson and britney spears
— brie. (@briebxrries) February 7, 2021

Me watching Goofy Movie: no way it gets any goofier than this

Me watching Extremely Goofy Movie: mother of god
— max paine (@PrairieIre) February 6, 2021

my aging body: if you don't sleep i will hurt you

me: ok ok, I'll sleep!

body: if you sleep slightly wrong I will hurt you
— professional jenfluencer 🧁 | BLM (@philoso_foster) February 6, 2021

February 7

Phoebe Bridgers was valiantly trying to destroy the SNL stage, ending the program once and for all. She is a comedy hero.
— Sridhar Ramesh (@RadishHarmers) February 7, 2021

I broke my guitar at my first ever show and got grounded cause it was a present for being baptized. We have to take away the Nintendo for two weeks of anybody who smashes a guitar. Crime fits the punishment.
— Ryley walker (@ryleywalker) February 8, 2021

it's so annoying to me that covid made it so i can't drink wine w 5 of my friends in my house but 40 grown men can still physically assault each other on national television
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) February 7, 2021

Gotta be honest, I cried watching this ad pic.twitter.com/Ptma2i3tt8
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) February 8, 2021

they should pour the gatorade on the other coach
— john-john (@bennnnst) February 8, 2021

I told my dad The Weeknd's parents are Ethiopian. He asked me why a Nigerian hasn't headlined the Super Bowl yet. I told him our parents refuse to let us be great and follow our passions. He's been quiet for 5 minutes. 🤣
— Lupita's Waistbeads (@hellokelechi) February 8, 2021

PRO TIP FOR PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH ANXIETY:

I have found it very beneficial to my mental health, especially my anxiety, to not be in a pandemic
— Cilantro.bb.95@aim.com (@bb_apes) February 8, 2021

Serena Williams has 23 Grand Slam titles. https://t.co/VCsIzh2ODa
— reggie (@kidnoble) February 8, 2021

I can't believe it's been three years since the Quincy Jones interview pic.twitter.com/Lxo3zuVz3k
— Dickie Greenleaf (@ohgoddickie) February 8, 2021

canada: we have universal healthcare ✨💖

me: cool. can i go to the dentist

canada: no that doesn't count
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) February 7, 2021

Never forget The Weeknd was nominated for a Kids Choice Award for a song about doing so much cocaine that you can't feel your face
— Joe Ali (@JoeAli) February 8, 2021

wait i think i picked the wrong channel- pic.twitter.com/XfwnU2t1Za
— Dora The Fadplorer (@fadplorer) February 8, 2021

new white girl just dropped pic.twitter.com/0fVbdHzPIH
— toe (@cointeltoe) February 7, 2021

February 8

Only advice I can give y'all on stocks is, when everybody is talking bout it, it's 2 late lol
— Rubba Band Grant (@RubbaBand_Grant) February 8, 2021

Haha what the fuck? https://t.co/Zz0xEVf7bN
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) February 9, 2021

Be it resolved that moving forward he forever be referred to as "Adult Journalist" @jonkay pic.twitter.com/vS3F8MA0r5
— James Keast (@yesjameskeast) February 9, 2021

Just to confirm... everyone feels tired ALL the time no matter how much sleep they get or caffeine they consume, but also has trouble falling asleep / is constantly hungry but also nauseous with acid reflux / spends every second working or cleaning yet nothing gets accomplished?
— Kenyon Laing (@KenyonLaing) February 9, 2021

one time I was taking a piss at a concert and Frankie Muniz walked in and chose the center urinal between me and my buddy and my friend waited a few seconds then said 'wow, Malcolm really IS in the middle, huh?' and Frankie told him to shut the fuck up
— Eric Feurer (@EricFeurer) February 8, 2021

i am an old man and twitter is my porch
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) February 8, 2021

What does it even mean to abuse your food stamps?

Like, is there a wrong way to need food?
— Comrade Cooper ☭ (@queeersocialist) February 8, 2021

February 9

A lawyer using Zoom had to let a judge know that he wasn't a cat after inadvertently activating a face filter pic.twitter.com/vChc14mjM1
— Mikael Thalen (@MikaelThalen) February 9, 2021

He come old flat top, he got Zoom cat lawyer, he one Leto joker, cancel Aunt Jemima, he say one and two and free Britney, Castor at impeachment he just say what he please
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) February 10, 2021

Zoom Cat Filter Video is flawless. Makes it all worth it. The internet, everything. Just a guy at the absolute end of his rope saying "I- I'm not a cat." It's all worth it. I feel alive.
— philip matarese (@philorphilip) February 10, 2021

Imagine appearing in a court proceeding as a kitten and having to declare that you're not actually a cat and still not cracking the top two worst lawyer performances that received national attention today.
— Rachel Barkow (@RachelBarkow) February 10, 2021

I'm starting to think the only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do her job was Stormy Daniels.
— Andrea Junker ® (@Strandjunker) February 9, 2021

Excuse my ignorance America, is it normal for the jury to be made up of people actively involved in the crime
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) February 9, 2021

pic.twitter.com/x2YhumUF33
— Schooley (@Rschooley) February 10, 2021

57 years ago today, my family and seven-year-old me watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan and my dad said, "Jesus Christ, get a load of these assholes"
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) February 10, 2021

As a full-time writer and comedian, I'm so upset knowing I'll never make something as funny as this pic.twitter.com/IILekL82zn
— Tai Leclaire (@tai_leclaire) February 9, 2021

February 10

twitter is a great app bc you wake up to some sentence like "the 7-eleven assplay guy is transphobic???" and then u spend ur morning trying to figure out what happened like a lil mystery novel
— ashley (evil era) (sexy era) (@ashleyc0re) February 10, 2021

That man threw his hands up like "wait we all ain't racist in this bitch?" https://t.co/Pf2epjWncB
— J (@kiandre_23) February 11, 2021

Life hack: got a white cat? Put an orange on it to look like a big egg 🍳 pic.twitter.com/OD2yGk6D9T
— Barry Lewis (@MrBarryLewis) February 11, 2021

been laughing at this for 3 days pic.twitter.com/e2XtNpKX46
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) February 10, 2021

This is the funniest and best explanation of baseball, ever. I'm dying. pic.twitter.com/XY4IxM54gB
— Maury Brown (@BizballMaury) February 10, 2021

Dr. Pepper was the inventor, the drink is Dr. Pepper's soda.
— Adam Jay (@BullGooseParty) February 10, 2021

February 11

basketball is beautiful. pic.twitter.com/waYu6Bd3Qq
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 12, 2021

the forth rail bridge toilet has really upset me pic.twitter.com/gAQcmKoktS
— rhi (@rhi_annan) February 11, 2021

Receiving my PhD over zoom in the bedroom where I first jacked off
— april (@autogynefiles) February 11, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 12, 2021

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