Enough, Steve Albini gives Steely Dan guff, Chinese spy balloon stuff, why your children had it rough, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 3

The fact that this bear took 400 selfies — she just KNEW she was serving in this one! The lashes, the smize!!!! I know that's right. She said I'm giving you MARILYN! https://t.co/AEMH7gNz37 pic.twitter.com/vg2ms0AMY3
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) February 4, 2023

I was at a networking event and walked up to this guy, but before I started talking he just handed me this card?? pic.twitter.com/91goIGv8Yj
— Roshan Patel (@roshanpateI) February 3, 2023

I was washing my penis in the sink with the blinds open and I think the chinese spy balloon saw me
— N 𝓪𝓹 E 𝔂𝓮𝓼 (@NapEyes) February 4, 2023

the way men feel when they watch clips of Jordan in 96 that's how I feel about this video pic.twitter.com/9fKOKBlJsp
— b-cup joan holloway (@martiniposting) February 3, 2023

This why you should always mind your business pic.twitter.com/jt636P50s7
— Lance🇱🇨 (@BornAKang) February 4, 2023

Mario The Fireman pic.twitter.com/q0ByS5JLFa
— Ham Cucumber (@chrislockeworld) February 3, 2023

I spent the 4 grand to get this beauty https://t.co/vKQRgzw5yO pic.twitter.com/UXUPof5Vmw
— Kwite (@Kwite) February 3, 2023

my son just said "why was 10 afraid?" i said why. "because he was in the middle of 9-11." THAT'S A GOOD JOKE WTF
— jj d☭mon, hard body giamatti (@JJDemonic) February 4, 2023

So you're telling me an $800 billion/year defense budget can't stop a balloon?
— Nina Turner (@ninaturner) February 3, 2023

That's no balloon. pic.twitter.com/copFoUW5WG
— Schooley (@Rschooley) February 3, 2023

BREAKING:

Canadian spy balloon spotted over New York City pic.twitter.com/ReKKlR8ILF
— T.O. Resident (@TO_Resident) February 4, 2023

the name craig is hysterical i'm so sorry but you were holding a newborn baby and felt a rush of all the wonder and possibility the world has to offer a new being and you said, "craig"
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 3, 2023

Bullying works pic.twitter.com/JDA7w2cBSB
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) February 3, 2023

Glenn Howerton as Dennis is truly just a gift that keeps on giving for this take https://t.co/j8W5wI8Hl8 pic.twitter.com/7cflf9asp0
— alex nussbaum (@lexNussbaum) February 4, 2023

both of these. https://t.co/7wpy3MFnNo pic.twitter.com/LAsJhROEkf
— あや ניומן ✌🏼 (@bayareadirtbag) February 3, 2023

Black Dynamite has so many but this one kills me every time pic.twitter.com/iViaaD90Oh https://t.co/o9P4ziIw2T
— kate bush's husband (@airbagged) February 3, 2023

 
February 4

that man Ronald mcdonald just kick it with anyone what the fuck is grimace
— alex (@haneswhitetee) February 5, 2023

If you think you're idea is too dumb to work, just remember that Scrub Daddy, a sponge in the shape of a face, does $670m in annual sales
— Alex Cohen (@anothercohen) February 4, 2023

Pimp my Ride was insane. some guy would be like "i need to fix my camry so i can get to work" and Xzibit was like "ok well we turned your trunk into a fish tank."
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) February 4, 2023

My daughter just asked my birth year and I said 1976, and she said, "Dang! That's close to the Holocaust." And I was going to object, but it's actually closer to the Holocaust than it is to the present day and now I'm messed up for the rest of the day.
— Ida Bae Wells (@nhannahjones) February 4, 2023

It's OVER for Kiefer Sutherland. pic.twitter.com/cVxgi8ug53
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 4, 2023

This is why I'm glad Twitter is still around pic.twitter.com/bm7ZeHmF3G
— David Opie (He/Him) (@DavidOpie) February 4, 2023

I don't mean to tell Banksy how to do his job but it would've been the funniest thing ever if after the Queen died he just stopped painting for like a year, until everyone was like, "Hang on a minute…"
— President Warren G. Harding (@PopeAwesomeXIII) February 5, 2023

Yes, @StephenKing is a national treasure. pic.twitter.com/tTEGUy6Gu2
— Mark Jacob (@MarkJacob16) February 4, 2023

the man literally shot down a balloon you cannot accuse him of not doing enough on inflation
— Tim Hogan (@timjhogan) February 4, 2023

Good thing China can't spy on us anymore.
-Sent from my IPhone
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) February 4, 2023

imagine shooting down the spy balloon and it explodes in a giant cloud of pink smoke and glitter and then you hear a family in the distance cheering
— derek guy (@dieworkwear) February 4, 2023

February 5  

I was returning BUT YOU SHOT MY BALLOON!
— Jesus Christ (@jesus) February 5, 2023

no we dont pic.twitter.com/CUbCTFdaFb
— Ashley St. Clair (@stclairashley) February 5, 2023

When a parent says that their children were irrevocably damaged by spending two months at home with them, I think that says a lot about the parent, and not much about anything else.
— tern (@1goodtern) February 5, 2023

luka after one 3 game road trip chatting with kyrie pic.twitter.com/PjC2UyVOmg
— aaron. (@ayroned) February 5, 2023

Huge trade for the Mavs. Luka is only 23. He's going to learn so much from Kyrie on and off the court, like how to attack a hedged pick and roll and that the United States government killed Amy Winehouse.
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) February 5, 2023

This is still one of the funniest exchanges on this site. Just absolutely wrecked multiple times. pic.twitter.com/bS7fgkbyik
— pokey pup (@Whatapityonyou) February 5, 2023

editor: you said you wanted to pitch a fun new comic strip character?

charles schultz: his name is charlie brown and he is a child with generalized anxiety order. hes depressed as shit and he sucks at sports

editor:

schultz: also he is bald
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) February 5, 2023

Arguing on the internet.. 😂 pic.twitter.com/rY0oRaVU50
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) February 5, 2023

One time I was checking my mailbox and it was empty and a guy driving by shouted "AIN'T NOBODY CORRESPONDING WITH YOUR ASS!" and I laughed so hard I threw out my back. Carry on.
— Jesse Case (@jessecase) February 5, 2023

do people who use their car's bluetooth to take phone calls know the people outside the car can hear every single word lol
— 𝘦𝘮 🧍🏻‍♀️ (@cooIboobs) February 5, 2023

https://t.co/tgmWwUEIZ1 pic.twitter.com/p89x3w9JJS
— Kevin O'Connor (@KevinOConnorNBA) February 6, 2023

remember when they restructured the Oscars to put best actor last so they could finish by giving chadwick boseman a posthumous award but then he lost to anthony hopkins who wasnt there bc they wouldnt let him accept anything over zoom so he had gone to bed & then the show ended
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) February 6, 2023

Beyoncé breaking a Grammys record, Viola's EGOT and this performance are all equally important to me.pic.twitter.com/q0Le8HZGFq
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 6, 2023

I'm shocked they made this a category but I mean who else was gonna win it https://t.co/NIgbQcw0hT
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) February 6, 2023

NOBODY TALK TO ME !!!!! pic.twitter.com/KUibFJjQrD
— FOLLOW @YITTY (@lizzo) February 6, 2023

Harry styles said "this doesn't happen to people like me very often" and I gotta be honest I can't think of a type of people this happens for more
— hey man nice tweet (@jazz_inmypants) February 6, 2023

chris martin looks like a toddler named Rydyr at a pre-school that costs $50,000 a year pic.twitter.com/pijohbFnDj
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 6, 2023

"This doesn't happen to people like me very often" says the white man who uses queer aesthetics to sell records and won album of the year over a Black woman.
— Zach Stafford (@ZachStafford) February 6, 2023

Harry Styles can't act and can't sing, yet was in two movies this year and won AOTY. Never give up on your dreams, white dudes.
— Danez (@Danez_Smif) February 6, 2023

New rule: in order to win Album of the Year, you have to be able to sing on key during your Grammy performance.
— Phoebe Robinson (@dopequeenpheebs) February 6, 2023

can't stop laughing at this guy announcing the Grammy win for Assassin's Creed Valhalla pic.twitter.com/vz9bTVZFTX
— Wendell (@RhodeToLove) February 5, 2023

don't think Harry styles likes dressing like that. Looks miserable in pics. Prob is like hey man can I wear a suit or something maybe a big t shirt Pete Davidson gets to wear big stinky shirts. And his handler is like nah you're the fake gay guy gotta wear fake gay guy clothes
— jake (@jakebrodes) February 6, 2023

Electoral college vs popular vote pic.twitter.com/1MugOcogBi
— Elamin Abdelmahmoud (@elamin88) February 6, 2023

February 6

Trevor Noah opened the envelope and said mmm mmm let me get somebody yt to say it
— jacuuzi vert (@jamesearl23) February 6, 2023

yet only one of them made this https://t.co/QDH8ITz1QY pic.twitter.com/zFTJGTkXUm
— matt (@mattxiv) February 6, 2023

a trans woman won a grammy and there's not even discourse about how woke society is for it, rightwingers really dropping the ball here
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) February 6, 2023

sam smith kicking off a satanic panic with a hat that looks like it's from the spirit halloween clearance bin is killing me
— metal.txt (@metaltxt) February 6, 2023

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
— bennett (@ImagineAGuy) February 6, 2023

Why aren't cops out cruising around with a trunk full of tail lights to swap out real quick for us if they're so fucking concerned about it
— Fort Wayne Crime Erin (@CriminalUnionFW) February 6, 2023

I will always be the kind of punk that shits on Steely Dan
— steve albini (@electricalWSOP) February 6, 2023

this sounds like a Wesley Willis lyric pic.twitter.com/ktVUIXCo9U
— Marc Masters 🌵 (@Marcissist) February 7, 2023

gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 6, 2023

https://t.co/e8L2PhDnNc pic.twitter.com/nWhJcfrsPv
— Sopranos Memes (@timeimmemorial_) February 6, 2023

? pic.twitter.com/a19LhnLALL
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 7, 2023

Dane Cook: I'm dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend: I can't
— Mohanad - Union Hall NY 3/12 (@MohanadElshieky) February 7, 2023

February 7

"Women get bored with Leonardo DiCaprio about when they hit their mid-20s" is an objectively funnier explanation.
— linkshund (@linkshund) February 7, 2023

hundreds of men perish after being unable to find stair 1 roof access pic.twitter.com/v2rI3WHc6Q
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) February 7, 2023

Confuse a transphobe by agreeing with them (take their power away) 😉😂 pic.twitter.com/Bfm8GQoWoT
— Mx Mike (They/Them) (@_MxMike) February 7, 2023

hogwarts legacy has introduced a new jewish bisexual character named dreidel bothways
— matt (@mattxiv) February 7, 2023

pic.twitter.com/cIOztbbXhZ
— Jack Griffiths (@jackvgriffiths) February 7, 2023

This is still one of the funniest things a human has ever written and published. pic.twitter.com/l21bd1oOAf
— keyvan (@still_oppressed) February 7, 2023

Sarah Huckabee seems like she would eat fish right out an aquarium. Like you would just walk in the room and catch her eating your fish.
— NoelCaslerComedy🌙 (@caslernoel) February 8, 2023

not only are AI Seinfeld and MILF Manor joke tv shows from 30 Rock, they're somehow both shows from the same 30 Rock joke pic.twitter.com/LPfh0gkqwm
— chronowerx (@chronowerks) February 8, 2023

linkedin is such an insane app. nothing like getting a push notification that'a like "your high school bully learned microsoft excel, why don't you tell him you're proud of him"
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) February 8, 2023

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 7, 2023

Lebrons dad drunk in a bar rn telling people that's my boy and no one believes him
— Robert Jackson (@TheRoberJackson) February 8, 2023

most of the people in the world think johnny cash is a huge badass and all of his sonmgs are like "i am so so scared"
— gale na (@poisonjr) February 8, 2023

pic.twitter.com/lv9Nz8DPwm
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) February 7, 2023

 
February 8

Best IMDb quote ever? pic.twitter.com/QCk6EZWa36
— Matt Jacobs (@majacobs) February 8, 2023

Harrison Ford thanking John Williams for ruining his life. pic.twitter.com/trsXQ8X4GI
— SPENCE, TODD (@Todd_Spence) February 8, 2023

easily the worst L monkeys have ever taken pic.twitter.com/RDtIyJuELc
— VOIDFILL 🕳️ (@PEDANTICSLUT) February 8, 2023

The inside of a cello looks like a place where something whimsically unspeakable happened in a Guillermo del Toro movie pic.twitter.com/8LUymGEdRT
— Jeff Yang (@originalspin) February 8, 2023

Ghost cat.. 😅 pic.twitter.com/QXnvEVpwnx
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) February 8, 2023

Who did this? pic.twitter.com/OdESnJ4Bgi
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) February 8, 2023

"Pussy ass bitch" is now in the record pic.twitter.com/HuUe8BbVKk
— Acyn (@Acyn) February 8, 2023

Lol wait for it pic.twitter.com/VNj0lUm4mW
— Acyn (@Acyn) February 9, 2023

sorry but this vine is actually HILARIOUS. pic.twitter.com/liWGTEIZ96 https://t.co/liIsNforDY
— Azula's Therapist (@ohgodjohnwhy) February 8, 2023

I think the generation who had picnics while they lynched people were worse than the midly cringy teenagers https://t.co/rGYNHM0U5H
— Rosedark ☭ 🇵🇸📕 (@FreeRosedark) February 8, 2023

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
— Emeline Posner (@emelpos) February 8, 2023

this dog park bench makes it seem like this woman never saw a dog in her life and she also never smiled pic.twitter.com/7nkcA0FYRt
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) February 9, 2023

LMFAAAAAAOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/H7b5gbTfpI
— bevin (@Kevchesterr) February 8, 2023

Since tomorrow is Rihanna's presser for her Super Bowl halftime show let's remember when Prince did his and instead of answering questions he busted out a 12 minute show for the media pic.twitter.com/wDEc4jBtRx
— Wu-Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) February 9, 2023

Shakira physically moving the house from her ex's land is a level of petty I can only aspire to pic.twitter.com/3WtD3iYVdi
— 🔥 🏠 with a Y 🏠 🔥 (@wyntermitchell) February 8, 2023

the comic timing of "the good news is he's got plenty of other rackets" is off the chartspic.twitter.com/lQ4r8uLvh3
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) February 8, 2023

text from my dad when lebron broke the record pic.twitter.com/veeNtaYOru
— chris gaines (@ownsabicycle) February 8, 2023

it's so crazy that athletes get traded just like that. what about their friends?
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) February 9, 2023

February 9

This is just like that time in Muppets Take Manhattan when the Muppets, after unsuccessfully attempting to take Manhattan, split up and leave Manhattan.
— Robin Lopez (@rolopez42) February 9, 2023

kevin durant kendall jenner

🤝

leaving ben simmons for devin booker
— Molly Morrison (@mollyhannahm) February 9, 2023

#blessed. So blessed that ANOTHER trade deadline has passed and the Kids in the Hall did NOT trade me!
— Bruce McCulloch (@BrucioMcCulloch) February 9, 2023

Imagine coming home from a long day of work and finding Coldplay all set up in your living room and ready to play a private concert for you. It would be so awkward to have to tell them no thanks
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 9, 2023

Extraordinary: Musk believes that the company he owns has shadowbanned him, holds a meeting to complain he is not getting enough action on his tweets.

Engineer provide some data showing people are losing interest in his antics. He fires them. https://t.co/F1AHBhUBG4 pic.twitter.com/NBhm9tWJ6A
— Don Moynihan (@donmoyn) February 9, 2023

Arkansas is ranked 41st in education, 43rd in infrastructure, 48th in crime, and 49th in healthcare.
But okay. https://t.co/hAleANwN4K
— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) February 9, 2023

jesus christ what happens to this dog on friday pic.twitter.com/lZPZxYy8KX
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 10, 2023

Both what? This is not even half of one thing. pic.twitter.com/HCZyG8tmWO
— Vince Mancini (@VinceMancini) February 9, 2023

Dogs are cool because they're like a little dude with 10 IQ points. Cats are cool because you feel as if you've brokered a contract with a minor demon.
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) February 9, 2023

Happy "I am not a cat" Day to all who celebrate pic.twitter.com/F9wqATEsVJ
— Mark Lewis (@marklewismd) February 9, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 10, 2023

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