Best Albums of 2023, nothing to see, so you agree, his face should be printed on our money, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 1

Kissinger meets his maker, Trump gets gagged again, homophobic Moms for Liberty founder gets caught in a bisexual throuple, Ron DeSantis gets smoked by Gavin Newsom, and George Santos gets expelled from Congress.

This was one helluva week folks.
10/10 no notes.
— Jo (@JoJoFromJerz) December 1, 2023

IMO George Santos's funniest scam was buying puppies from Amish farms in Pennsylvania using bounced cheques and then fencing them through his fake animal rescue charity in New York. Nobody else is operating at that level.
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) December 1, 2023

Pathological liar. Former drag queen. Far-right reactionary. Devoted husband. Disgraced politician. Diva. Scoundrel. He should be in jail. His face should be printed on our money.
— JP (@jpbrammer) December 1, 2023

Last night was super fun man. I transcribed our whole convo btw. Here's a .pdf
— Nathan Hare (@nathanharenice) December 1, 2023

You can't convince me this isn't a sign of a badly fraying social fabric https://t.co/3sGFx6OmWD
— Cassie Pritchard (again) (@hecubian_devil) December 1, 2023

I know in my heart that North West has said some devastating things to and about Timothée Chalamet at family events.
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) December 1, 2023

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that'll be $25

me: ok
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 1, 2023

it really happened https://t.co/ZR0T3eGYln pic.twitter.com/kj4p2qRwqC
— Jared Wade (@Jared_Wade) December 2, 2023

Because TikTok's CEO didn't tweet "You have said the actual truth" in response to a post laying out an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory? pic.twitter.com/wRfY8Qe7ml
— James Surowiecki (@JamesSurowiecki) December 2, 2023

This is the most disrespectful block in the history of basketball. pic.twitter.com/shEqlGClQE
— The Pettiest Laker Fan 🤫 (@ThePettiestLA) December 2, 2023

lol ok did some memo get passed around among the Canadian media? pic.twitter.com/TO5k9PHZYW
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) December 1, 2023

Genuinely curious if this first paragraph was meant to be tweeted? https://t.co/78gTHyFU53
— Jake Wilkins (@JakeWilkns) December 1, 2023

December 2

Is not their music a curse? https://t.co/t6LwJg2zHH
— Neil Hamburger (@NeilHamburger) December 2, 2023

The woman sitting in front of me at MAESTRO just googled "Leonard Bernstein"
— Tyler Ruggeri (@t_ruggeri) December 2, 2023

Liquefying my child's brain in a 35 mph crash because I wanted to feel like the man in Blade Runner who I am under the impression is named Blade Runner https://t.co/ueMKMeBqvD
— steven monacelli (@stevanzetti) December 2, 2023

Shout out to the top 5 fields in the world, playing the, Wrigley, Strawberry, Love is a Battle, and Rodney Danger.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 2, 2023

It's considered unthinkable for someone who makes $20M a year to make $15M a year so instead you get stuff like "We hear you. Food is too expensive. Now you can exchange your unused organs for lettuce"
— Mr. California (@InternetHippo) December 2, 2023

All the public health people I follow are freaking out about mystery pneumonias & the Pathogen Apocalypse. All the climate people I follow are depressed, in a perpetual state of shock, & preparing for The End. The economists are fine though. Emily Oster launched a clothing line.
— Laura Miers (@LauraMiers) December 2, 2023

Totally normal, nothing to see here https://t.co/9PLGlVb7Wr
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) December 2, 2023

To promote movies we need to just let the fellas get stupid drunk on talk shows again pic.twitter.com/WQtRmxeP5J
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) December 2, 2023

my literal dream https://t.co/Gscu6vn7Yg
— ziwe (@ziwe) December 2, 2023

December 3

This is my Frost/Nixon https://t.co/tzWakzGhpt
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) December 3, 2023

https://t.co/qEz3j94xW9 pic.twitter.com/eoqAuj9Xqj
— Annie Wu⸆⸉ (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) December 3, 2023

huge news for my buddy steve who always likes her pictures on instagram https://t.co/T8kR1CPaIT
— cinnamon bun (@notsofiacoppola) December 4, 2023

It looks like Jesus is telling them he wants a good, clean fight https://t.co/xAqDtW08zu
— Elliott Kalan (@ElliottKalan) December 4, 2023

I swear to god, we are like a year away from just reinventing cable TV again. https://t.co/st6ZQTuEQu
— Eric Crumrine (@ECrumrine) December 3, 2023

I dunno, I'm just trying to dress accordingly when there's a lot of respiratory viruses around.

[video description: Amanda is standing in front a blizzard with snow falling wearing a black sleeveless top and green shorts] https://t.co/u1T5a1aU8w pic.twitter.com/ca7SqlWMch
— Amanda Hu (@amandalhu) December 3, 2023

Haters will draw you a hot bath only to start slicing carrots into it
— austin (@ilovefamiIyguy) December 3, 2023

waiter: so how is everything?

me: great!

waiter: (disgusted) even war?
— furby hancock (@furby_hancock) December 4, 2023

A short story about decisions. pic.twitter.com/oTKZ26Bbe1
— Mark Stephens (@MarksLarks) December 3, 2023

https://t.co/pa3MfipcAL pic.twitter.com/XjEWGEbM7w
— Herb Lawrence (@Ecnerwal23) December 4, 2023

Man, f this guy. https://t.co/bgqDRv6HjG
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 3, 2023

It's so funny that one of Santa's reindeer is named Vixen. He's like "and this…is the sexy one."
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 3, 2023

i'm convinced elon doesn't understand what a joke setup is or what makes a punchline funny https://t.co/hV3jcq8vNI
— beer person (@CantEverDie) December 3, 2023

December 4

Personally insulting every advertiser who pulls advertising from this website is a sure-fire strategy that certainly will not backfire https://t.co/dmTJziQnNk
— steven monacelli (@stevanzetti) December 4, 2023

😡THE 4TH DAY OF ANGER🎅

Gregg's Middle Earth travelogue segment is plagued with technical difficulties. Tim intervenes.

(3RD ANNUAL OSCAR SPECIAL, 2015)
pic.twitter.com/dEj2dqqMUT
— On Cinema On Anger (@OnCinemaOnAnger) December 4, 2023

Uplifting news, for once. pic.twitter.com/KIzxfbWnSA
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 4, 2023

Breaking: james comer has uncovered evidence that President Joe Biden ordered 11 cassette tapes from Columbia House in 1987, only paid 1 penny for them, and never followed through with the required purchase afterward! pic.twitter.com/SRTNp9WP5V
— Roger ZenAF (@RogerZenAF) December 5, 2023

using a desk that faced the screen so i didn't have to turn 90 degrees to type https://t.co/mRxdec6NpJ
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) December 4, 2023

I love "rizz" because gen z came up with the most 1920's hardboiled detective sounding slang possible for some reason
— Amy A (@lolennui) December 4, 2023

Restaurants should have a guys menu that's just bigger portions of the kids menu
— Charles Austin (@charlesraustin) December 4, 2023

holy infant you have to stop. your night too silent. your peace too heavenly. you're too tender and mild. they'll kill you holy infant
— evil paddy (@paddy_melt) December 5, 2023

Condoms cost 10 dollars https://t.co/IgEoufcesq
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) December 4, 2023

Oh, this is cold. pic.twitter.com/dfcAX3VKly
— Dustin (@EngineerDustin) December 4, 2023

just learned unfortunate news related to the cost of ice-skating lessons https://t.co/Mx1bsIeNBg
— Meg (@megannn_lynne) December 5, 2023

Has anyone else lost their motivation to do more than the bare minimum upon realizing you don't have to be productive to be worthy of being alive and everything is made up anyway or do I need to up my anti-depressants
— big honkin caboose (@itsmegangraves) December 4, 2023

Literally Zach Wilson: https://t.co/ldmiRJtYuW pic.twitter.com/xYrjSQ6Q4O
— Kevin Clark (@bykevinclark) December 4, 2023

It's almost our time to kill the 5 day work week https://t.co/HUa5X7woE0
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) December 5, 2023

Grand Theft Auto VI (2025) pic.twitter.com/qClcd8GGOT
— RETRO: OLD MEDIA ENTHUSIAST 🇨🇦 🏳️‍⚧️ 🏳️‍🌈 (@ThatRetro) December 4, 2023

What, exactly, is this company doing with all the money it steals from musicians? https://t.co/HfCGOXYYPc
— A!ex Steed (@alexsteed) December 4, 2023

so you agree every studio making their own streaming service wasn't lucrative and we're going back to cable, but it's not cable, it's just different and more expensive https://t.co/dwYuFDFrCE pic.twitter.com/HfzJmaSzIo
— amber 🍉 (@mbrleigh) December 4, 2023

Jeff Bridges is 74
Here's his stand-in for 54 years(!), Loyd Catlett, on why The Dude went bald for Iron Man
- from this strange but sweet interview about their friendship https://t.co/TMlU7fPLP2 pic.twitter.com/nzEdRXPFyj
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) December 4, 2023

i'll laugh at a meme but i draw the line at giving this transphobe money https://t.co/4vPzBEoCYs
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) December 5, 2023

Lets make one thing very clear, he fooled the north shore of Long Island, not America lol pic.twitter.com/iZBnzy3iEk
— ❄️ grimm ❄️ (@ExileGrimm) December 4, 2023

Reuters, not the Onion. pic.twitter.com/kNBqrl7Uos
— Zachary Al-Khatib (@ZaKhatib) December 4, 2023

Jokić casually doing this twice in the last 6 days is hilarious man https://t.co/HnC3g1RD1S
— Bobby (@BobbyMlRE) December 5, 2023

Somebody said Scotty Pippen looking like Chester Cheetah and I haven't breathed since 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/e5DbBIqVmP
— Steph🙆🏾‍♀️ (@Stephquees) December 4, 2023

the dmv can't get any more Gotham than this what do you mean the house blew up during a search warrant https://t.co/Gwr2G96Hj2
— troythedesigner 🦂 (@troythedesigner) December 5, 2023

This would be a good b-plot for one of Elaine's boyfriends on Seinfeld. https://t.co/B0P9OZPIZU
— writtenlow (@writtenlow) December 5, 2023

Proposition: "Poilievre will make my groceries cheaper and help me buy a McMansion" is Canada's version of "Brexit will make Britain an empire again".
— James Christian Parsons (@Dred_Tory) December 4, 2023

Let me fix this for ya since you're struggling with the human part of political leadership.

"CBC is laying off 600 people, just weeks before the holidays. This is difficult news for these media professionals and their families during what is already a challenging time for so… https://t.co/wbzY2TEeIF
— Amber Mac (@ambermac) December 5, 2023

Hey Jeff: No matter how many times you lie, rent is a provincial and regional issue.

When are you and your wife getting your NatSec background check, btw? Asking for 40 million people you gaslight everyday.

Cheers

DB https://t.co/UMZqz73amw
— Dean Blundell🇨🇦 (@ItsDeanBlundell) December 5, 2023

December 5

Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt look like a beautiful lesbian couple who may or may not be vampires pic.twitter.com/9HfvomrTSO
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) December 5, 2023

this is the kind of thing most actors would say 10 years after the film released in an actors to actors interview not 10 days before the release day but https://t.co/K7nAoQzu5i
— jay (@kendallhosseini) December 5, 2023

Season's going great https://t.co/1KFW1pk0Yj
— Talking Raptors (@TalkingRaptors) December 6, 2023

Seinfeld apartment hallway https://t.co/FzLk4A9NEy
— Santa Believer 🎄🐾 🐛 🥫 (@pugmane) December 5, 2023

bro are you seriously strumming my pain with your fingers rn
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) December 5, 2023

we are like days away from a major newspaper saying "people unalived in strike"
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) December 5, 2023

We get it. Science is woke. Quackery is conservative. 🦆 https://t.co/UWkGS5rARE
— Charles Adler (@charlesadler) December 5, 2023

community notes destroyed him 💀 pic.twitter.com/LdEjwhMTFQ
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) December 5, 2023

I'm confused, I thought they were all BLM/ANTIFA/FBI https://t.co/RRguX6w3Jt
— Bradley P. Moss (@BradMossEsq) December 5, 2023

PRO TIP: a vacation to go see your family is NOT a vacation. even when it's warm outside. hope this helps
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 5, 2023

Really enjoy hearing my husband work from home with the first office job of his life.

'Who's fucking emailed me now??' he cries as he enters this new, unknown hell.
— Sophie Flynn (@sophielflynn) December 5, 2023

After playing with Jordan Poole do you get why Draymond punched him? https://t.co/CS6N6xDZxP
— Bobby Hare (@Bobby_Hare) December 5, 2023

"As it stands, there is some minor variation from province to province, but Tombe says the general trend is the same: 'A clear majority of households do receive rebates that are larger than the carbon taxes they pay for.'"https://t.co/UcEcFzEbTV pic.twitter.com/I1LblQYzU4
— Greg MacEachern (@gmacofglebe) December 5, 2023

https://t.co/RvPaJRpQQj pic.twitter.com/QHNEOQwIWh
— carol of the bens (@limitlessjest) December 5, 2023

December 6

an icon has been birthed, i feel pic.twitter.com/0njgT2hGSj
— bally singh (@putasinghonit) December 7, 2023

they announced a guy passed in the Microsoft teams meeting and a late joiner got caught up to speed pic.twitter.com/jBSOhPSlIl
— call me cismale (@clamatoes) December 6, 2023

I got the Novavax shot at Costco this morning. If I die suddenly today, trolls will blame the vaccine but actually it was the $1.50 hot dog.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) December 6, 2023

Wow, congratulations to the Time Person of the Year for 2023. pic.twitter.com/K8vI6EwfhA
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) December 7, 2023

I think in a past life she was a farmer, and I was her cow. I believe she hit me, and milked me, and stole my calves from me. there is something that breaks in my heart every time I see her name, or face. https://t.co/b88T0YO1Of
— griffin (@linenandcurIs) December 6, 2023

ok literally https://t.co/ejxqaGBhoc pic.twitter.com/IWAE7QxTgU
— go birds (@no_talent_shan) December 6, 2023

"beatlemania" wasn't a tour, their fans went so crazy at the very sight of them that they had to STOP touring. michael jackson didn't even tour for thriller…😭 what is she saying https://t.co/OZYmfCL5dY
— recede🥳BLOOM OUT NOW!🥀 (@rec3de) December 7, 2023

no matter how many times i see this, it's funny every time pic.twitter.com/9PI2DLmmfq
— jazzy 🩵 (@lennonswalrus) December 7, 2023

i must be julian casablancas the way the strokes got her asking is this it
— ethan (@ethanjuiced) December 7, 2023

pic.twitter.com/pMB1mUCbxu
— INZANE JOHNNY (@olsonpower) December 6, 2023

https://t.co/4nQEumwwAw pic.twitter.com/m30iJ4EwqG
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) December 6, 2023

My son was apparently bragging to a teacher that he beat Mario Wonder before his dad. Mother fucker, you needed my help on like 10 levels. Frankly, I beat Mario Wonder, and let your bum ass filter out that levels not worthy of me. I'm about to call up the school.
— Pokey (@Just__Pokey) December 6, 2023

Jokes aside who decided swearing on air is the worst thing ever but promoting gambling every 20 seconds to kids is fine https://t.co/VXjs80UE5J
— Sam🇪🇬 (@sambrazington) December 7, 2023

The CPC: People are lining up at food banks.

Bill C-322: Let's raise an honest argument for funded school lunches.

The CPC: Fuck that.
— Roddy (@RodKahx) December 7, 2023

oh! okay so you brought your kids on Jeffrey Epstein's plane. good, I was worried you didn't bring your kids on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.. https://t.co/aQwKi1z9CK
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) December 6, 2023

godzilla wouldn't even exist without oppenheimer https://t.co/cmCqyVsS4s
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 7, 2023

There are no sides pic.twitter.com/DCGCgFJ4m0
— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) December 7, 2023

never forget what the holidays are really about: spending four weeks getting as stressed as possible to finish everything at work before getting on an airplane at the worst possible time of the year for travel
— rat king 🐀 (@MikeIsaac) December 7, 2023

*rereading this headline six times* https://t.co/4Z4lMPjubl
— Vince Mancini (@VinceMancini) December 6, 2023

today is gonna be awesome pic.twitter.com/HJEDOplaoF
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) December 6, 2023

The deep irony of this post is Out ALSO misidentifying us. What is happening. This feels like a social experiment. https://t.co/VjG3mxTIVF pic.twitter.com/NnmDQcoVV8
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) December 6, 2023

A second publication has mixed up Bowen and Joel. pic.twitter.com/yWhz3VCbsQ
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) December 6, 2023

people who get drunk on eggnog are just built different, terrifying specimens

"this buzz would be better with 8,000 calories of dairy sloshing around my guts"
— Marmot (@MarmotRespecter) December 7, 2023

I was not expecting a university in the conservative heartland to tell us that Pierre Poilievre is lying https://t.co/oMlKFC8Q1p
— Jiggly (@JigglyPants44) December 6, 2023

So smart of him to power down between answers pic.twitter.com/N17P6TWSzU
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) December 7, 2023

Society pic.twitter.com/XDQkKzIp25
— Fairy Gothmother, MD (@jenny2x4) December 7, 2023

December 7

Panera in 2005: Drop by one of our cozy new locations in America's thriving malls and enjoy some broccoli cheddar soup after your Christmas shopping at Sears™!

Panera in 2023: We have Suicide Juice that is guaranteed to kill you before the next big horror.
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) December 7, 2023

"are you drinking-"
"the panera lemonade that kills people? yeah, i am" pic.twitter.com/9Peb6HzcCj
— sarah thee tonin 💫 (@sarahndipity18) December 7, 2023

According to a U of Calgary study, the carbon tax's impact on the price of everyday goods and services is negligible. In all of these cases, less than 1%.
Some examples:
Restaurants 0.22%
Hotels 0.22%
Clothing 0.2%
Pharma 0.24%
Alcohol 0.28%
Rent 0.29%
Food 0.33%

PP is lying
— Unbranded (@Unbranded63) December 7, 2023

They should make a GTA6 where you can invite the cops over to your house and serve them eggs and jam and hug and kiss the cops.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 7, 2023

It's wild how much I expect two ibuprofen to fix in my life and even wilder how much it succeeds at doing so
— JP (@jpbrammer) December 7, 2023

Who is Vivek Ramaswamy? Enter the RamaVerse to find out. pic.twitter.com/81FJBQwEma
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) December 7, 2023

https://t.co/cv6TMSm6e8 pic.twitter.com/TZHwQ44Knv
— Kirk A. Bado (@kirk_bado) December 7, 2023

Raw milk is responsible for more hospitalizations than any other food-borne disease source https://t.co/jNPrmDF3wP pic.twitter.com/OQH973wY5N
— Ryan Marino, MD (@RyanMarino) December 7, 2023

the inside the nba crew has already derailed everything on espn. took 30 seconds for chuck to threaten to whoop stephen a's ass and tell shaq the heat in vegas is practice for when he goes to hell. best to ever do it.
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) December 7, 2023

Me: If you could sleep with --

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2023

taking my Adderall prescription and then drinking a Panera charged lemonade…I will either solve the housing crisis or die
— Cait🧃 (@CaitCamelia) December 7, 2023

I'm not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 7, 2023

Next time you hear someone blaming Joe Biden for the higher costs of living, please show them this.... pic.twitter.com/QGMQU3dP3C
— 🍸ⓁⒶⓃⒺ🍸 (@lanechanged) December 7, 2023

There is no Wendy, only Zuul pic.twitter.com/vf6DpzfPsK
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) December 7, 2023

"You're not gonna believe this, Paul, but Jay's driving the damn Cybertruck" https://t.co/Rx3mW3zjvX pic.twitter.com/MQMGT4IfED
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) December 7, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 8, 2023

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