I didn't even know this, are you serious, no kids, the grandson of herman mankiewicz, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 16

Are you serious pic.twitter.com/EaV8QlQPEw
— Sam Rudykoff (@SamRudykoff) December 16, 2022

sorry bro, i'm still too hungover from happy hondadays, no way i could make it to toyotathon
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) December 17, 2022

i'm absolutely dying at dan harmon losing his mind over these two hallmark movies pic.twitter.com/9p1QZIccPq
— 🎄 𝔉𝔞 - 𝔏𝔞 - 𝔏𝔞 - 𝔏𝔢𝔫𝔞 🎄 (@lenadolll) December 17, 2022

The Deer Hunter (1978) pic.twitter.com/EPExAPghfj
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) December 16, 2022

Oh God not again… https://t.co/EbmOnovkMb
— Blockbuster (@blockbuster) December 17, 2022

twitter was not meant to make fun of the same person for the same thing this many days in a row, one of you needs to take one for the team and post a 40-tweet thread about how it's abusive to let your child wear shoes
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 17, 2022

ok everyone looks like this ship is going DOWN. i'm the same username on blorbu, crizzi, glarble, ornithocheiroid, paperie, flimp, AND grummble
— mattie rose (@Lubchansky) December 16, 2022

the left wing equivalent of bitcoin is grad school
— nativity looms, regrets grow (@NLRG_it) December 16, 2022

Everyone I know has the flu, covid, RSV, or no kids.
— Jay Acunzo (@jayacunzo) December 16, 2022

Imagine looking like Meg thee stallion, having a college degree and 2 Grammys, and seeing men who have neither headboards, a dollar, or a dream, on twitter talking about how you're an embarrassment because they speculate you've had sex with 3 ppl. The audacity on men is WILD
— Olayemi Olurin (@msolurin) December 17, 2022

Cab driver keeps getting calls from "SADDAM 2" and hitting "Ignore" on his phone
— Gretchen Felker-Martin (@scumbelievable) December 16, 2022

a woman just got on the subway yelling into her phone "listen BITCH you told him i was a DRUG ADDICT-"

and then was abruptly cut off by a mariachi band boarding the train playing feliz navidad. one of the greatest comedic set pieces i've ever seen. no notes 10/10.
— milo edwards (@Milo_Edwards) December 16, 2022

It's worse than that mate she's dead pic.twitter.com/P7GZLkcRvO
— Ben Mauk (@benmauk) December 16, 2022

The reason 9/11 happened is because someone tweeted out the real-time location of the twin towers
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) December 16, 2022

 
December 17

bands doxxing themselves by posting their tour dates
— mount bellyache (@mountbellyache) December 17, 2022

🎯🎯🎯 pic.twitter.com/3ulFeFTDa2
— TG (@TG22110) December 18, 2022

Y'all we weren't carolling, just a bunch of Black moms having fun together in between bar crawl stops 😂😂😂 Merry Christmasssssss https://t.co/QlOBPEZw9l
— MOMiana (@NeceActually) December 17, 2022

….this being posted by the grandson of herman mankiewicz, actual screenwriter of citizen kane, is amusing me far too much pic.twitter.com/GETf2dv8Wi
— femb✦t (@__femb0t) December 17, 2022

In a very Larry David-esque situation right now. I'm trying to buy a cake for my moms birthday tomorrow, but they won't sell me an entire cake. They sell it by the slice. I asked to buy all the slices and they're currently on the phone with the owner of the bakery deliberating
— Brian Griffin Fan Club (Offical) (@BirdRespecter) December 18, 2022

thank you so much for the kind words! i don't believe them
— melissa broder (@melissabroder) December 17, 2022

Funny because it's true. pic.twitter.com/0WokkvtKPw
— BrooklynDad_Defiant!☮️ (@mmpadellan) December 17, 2022

lol still us pic.twitter.com/sK13WbCWBk
— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 17, 2022

we're stuck in 2022 while this man is living in 2075 pic.twitter.com/SwXlvWc9Yp
— andrew arruda (@AndrewArruda) December 17, 2022

The best thing about 3-year-old's is the way they do what they can with the words that they know. My daughter doesn't know the word "cough drop" so she is requesting medicine beans.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 17, 2022

(Getting defensive) Clown college has a lot of really fucking cool electives actually
— donald boat (@laserboat999) December 18, 2022

calling pussy roast beef when ballsacks look like ice cream scoops of elephant skin is quite unfair to women and their bodies
— 🪶 (@LASTNAMELORDE) December 18, 2022

December 18

oh my god. Arbys. RB's. roast beef. it was there all along
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) December 18, 2022

Legendary posting week: using your ex's stalker to win a fight by fabricating a threat against your kid, having your mom show up to defend you, banning anyone who questions your story, then losing the poll you created about whether you should remain a mod
— orwellian untweet (@jesseltaylor) December 19, 2022

Twitter CEO poll results: pic.twitter.com/U4njgTLcUZ
— Pete Haas (@dimeford) December 19, 2022

A billionaire losing a "do you like me" poll on a service he paid $44 billion for is just an objectively funny way for this whole thing to end
— Matt Novak (@paleofuture) December 19, 2022

welcome to the free speech platform. you are not allowed to make fun of the richest man in the world and also please do not talk about any other website.
— 9 V O L T (@9_volt_) December 18, 2022

"Everybody should quit twitter now" Excuse me? I'm sorry I am not quitting in the midst of the funniest shit I've ever seen, a 51 year old man who has been awake for 6 weeks microdosing meth and tagging in his mommy while the Bone Saw guys close in.

Couldn't pay me to miss this.
— Ed Burmila (@edburmila) December 18, 2022

Whoops! pic.twitter.com/UhC1BTKMLk
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 19, 2022

Maybe this is all just a Twitter advent calendar where every day we get another policy just for that day.
— David Moscrop: Subscribe to my Substack. It's fun! (@David_Moscrop) December 19, 2022

You know… CPS should've gotten involved with Kevin. How your parents lose you TWO Christmases in a row???
— jaya. (@jayacancook) December 19, 2022

Getting this as a gift at 10 yrs old, having my grandma pry it open with a knife then whoop my ass for having thoughts and feelings is my villain origin story pic.twitter.com/6XVvU0X7Ps
— Nina❤️‍🔥 (@ITSNINARIVERA) December 19, 2022

Millenials don't keep an address book. They just search WhatsApp chats for "address" to find one of the 50 times you've asked each other "what's your address again?"
— Techpriest (@techpriest) December 18, 2022

He musta thought he was in a movie lol pic.twitter.com/MHxsJhNT0A
— Lance🇱🇨 (@BornAKang) December 19, 2022

I have two very specific desires for my funeral:
1. I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World.

2. I do not want to be cremated.
— Knothead, Feral Lutheran Pastor⚔️ (@RevBobIerien) December 19, 2022

Up yours, Batman. We'll see who cancels who. *flips a coin* https://t.co/NHr8R4CDH2
— Justin Whang 🐙 (@JustinWhang) December 18, 2022

I know Meghan Markle is classier than me, because the words "Prince Andrew is an alleged pedophile that paid of his victim using Tax payers money" ..Didn't even appear in the credits at the end of the documentary, and I certainly would have added it in there myself.
— London Hughes (@TheLondonHughes) December 18, 2022

Oh they've just given up now pic.twitter.com/W0VWgUdyrh
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) December 18, 2022

you gotta hand it to greta gerwig for simply refusing to make films about regular-sized women pic.twitter.com/zKJMS8sZ4m
— father john musty (@aljashamus) December 18, 2022

every time an NBA player puts up a historic stat line, there is always fine print at the bottom of the graphic that says something like "ᵂⁱˡᵗ ᵈⁱᵈ ᵗʰⁱˢ ¹⁷ ᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ ᵇˡⁱⁿᵈᶠᵒˡᵈᵉᵈ"
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 19, 2022

Gotta get buddy the new one😂😂😂 https://t.co/vJI3olSLOA
— Donovan Mitchell (@spidadmitchell) December 18, 2022

Hockey announcer: He scores! The Colorado Avalanche have won the Stanley Cup!

Soccer: The little troupe of elves! Dismantle the loom of fate! Argentina have slain God Himself! And they have BATHED in His blood!
— Jack Hauen (@jackhauen) December 18, 2022

The penalty kick is the Rock -Paper - Scissors of sports.
— Bill Burr (@billburr) December 18, 2022

YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME FOR NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SPORTS GAME WHERE QUEER PEOPLE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO ATTEND IF THEY WERE IDENTIFIABLY QUEER
— Bryan Fuller (@BryanFuller) December 18, 2022

December 19

Holy shit he's back pic.twitter.com/d2p0w0J9P5
— palmer ward (@decentbirthday) December 19, 2022

the banshees of inisherin (2022) pic.twitter.com/LgkXWdwLJe
— ashley (@revofash) December 19, 2022

As someone who really likes trains, Trainspotting (1996) was a real disappointment. How would YOU like it if I took you to see a film called "Scottish Men Taking Lots Of Drugs" and it was just real time footage of the 15.28 from Didcot Parkway
— Jack Bernhardt (@jackbern23) December 19, 2022

gonna sit down and enjoy a nice regular mov-oh, you've got to be kidding me pic.twitter.com/A4hXeQOJUu
— Phil • The Horizoneer (@TheHorizoneer) December 19, 2022

posts i would make to signal that i am being held hostage https://t.co/eZZUDaXKiU
— Ro 🦭 (@jaynesbluewish) December 20, 2022

😂😂😂😂😂😂 I am dead https://t.co/p4jteaKUWH
— Damian Lillard (@Dame_Lillard) December 19, 2022

pic.twitter.com/tKj6KdZzsy
— Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens (@CSMFHT) December 19, 2022

i asked r/Coding how long it would take me to learn to code a heart for our anniversary and the redditors said my bf was a programmer with a girlfriend so he had already "won at life" and was "legendary among his peers"
— eleanor (@eleanordotcomm) December 19, 2022

Checked a YouTube tutorial to make sure I set my washer/dryer up correctly and was physically knocked out of my chair by the channel intro pic.twitter.com/zxGhkI7U0J
— Sam Winkler (@ThatSamWinkler) December 19, 2022

Saw a guy shazam My Sharona at the grocery store
— renowned female illusionist (@scrap_icon) December 20, 2022

Learning that "five gooolden riings" is not in fact referring to 5 literal golden rings, but to five ring-necked pheasants, aka more birds
— Dr. Anna Hughes (annaghughes@mastodon.online) (@AnnaGHughes) December 19, 2022

Only took a month for Musk to establish an apartheid government on Twitter https://t.co/vGdTqqPRtq
— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) December 20, 2022

luke skywalker is a nepo baby
— ems 🫧 (@atotalposer) December 20, 2022

This nepo baby article is wild pic.twitter.com/aOzGFSC7s8
— Peter Miller (@peter_miller) December 20, 2022

 
December 20

If capitalism actually did reward technical mastery and determination, the next twitter CEO would be that teen who figured out how to tweet through her smart fridge after her parents took away her phone
— L Ron Mexico (@LRonMexico) December 20, 2022

I've been a "Take care" guy for many years but it may be time to move on. "Have a good one" is off the table as is the clownish "Take it easy." Just not many good options for today's guy on the go
— Ded Moroz (@InternetHippo) December 20, 2022

The head nod 😭 pic.twitter.com/0BnQUmsGY5
— Mesh🇧🇧 (@rahsh33m) December 20, 2022

If you can't hide a Christmas crime scene, just pretend you're a victim. pic.twitter.com/mzerNJY9lm
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) December 20, 2022

good morning pic.twitter.com/3uCS4EhLnx
— Mac (@GoodPoliticGuy) December 20, 2022

tried to stay off instagram for a few days and i come back to this pic.twitter.com/YNifV9J0SI
— James (@CaucasianJames) December 20, 2022

I would never recover if someone attempted to defend my physical appearance by posting that picture on the left pic.twitter.com/p31Ru5hzmd
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) December 21, 2022

I dunno man maybe go be the mayor of a city that doesn't have a massive statue telling people to migrate there https://t.co/oXwEHABfJJ
— Absolute Idiot (@heyguys_heyguys) December 20, 2022

ohh that's not- https://t.co/2vO0FkeIm2
— Brooklyn (@bklynb4by) December 20, 2022

10 years ago, britney spears had this puzzled reaction to fifth harmony making it to the x factor finale pic.twitter.com/U9ShOWovDp
— archiveney (fan account) (@archiveney) December 20, 2022

damn this nepo baby article isn't holding back. i didn't even know this pic.twitter.com/9XPWVsrdZS
— Neely Golightly (@neelygolightly) December 20, 2022

 
December 21

Oh my GOD pic.twitter.com/U0mqZd4EeF
— Kristin Chirico (@lolacoaster) December 21, 2022

the prewritten 'i'm sorry' messages on 1 800 flowers go hard pic.twitter.com/UOhJz7rcJa
— rava (@rava) December 22, 2022

I JUST FELL OFF MY BED AND SCREAMED pic.twitter.com/8aECYGEaUI
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) December 22, 2022

Here is my annual reminder that if Santa is bringing a games console, Santa might want to plug it in and turn it on and get all the updates done now, in advance, so that it is all ready to go on the big day.
— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) December 21, 2022

we used to have dudes named Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart now we got dudes named michael
— michael (@FilledwithUrine) December 22, 2022

Robin Lopez ratting out his bro:

"That's a flop- he's an actor- I know, he was in West Side Story- He was Officer Krupke 😂😂😂😂" pic.twitter.com/JmoB4j7j83
— McNeil (@Reflog_18) December 22, 2022

MLB OWNERS: sir, please, you can't just sign everyone, please!

STEVE COHEN (pointing at a seagull): Four years, $36 million
— Jesse Spector (@jessespector) December 21, 2022

my parents at 30: whew, we weren't expecting to have a third kid and a new car this year, but I think we can swing it

me at 30: I was not expecting to have to replace an extra lightbulb in my home this year and now financial ruin is upon me
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 22, 2022

Comedy legend! pic.twitter.com/6JFO2mZUlG
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 22, 2022

We're like two news cycles away from finding out that George Santos is actually Herschel Walker's secret son
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) December 22, 2022

 
December 22

finally something good out of florida: a dominatrix group showed up to a fort lauderdale city hall meeting and demanded a tax payer funded sex dungeon pic.twitter.com/6zvzgkPYfx
— matt (@mattxiv) December 22, 2022

what the fuck are these new features pic.twitter.com/nVJ1CHaeB1
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) December 22, 2022

twitter should add a feature where it shows if your tweet was viewed by elon musk when you call him a piece of shit
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 22, 2022

glad that twitter took down the trending tab, def hated using this fucking platform to find out whats going on. just like i hated fb for keeping up w/ friends and family and ig for looking at memes and butts. very cool that every social media platform keeps blowing up their shit
— hasanabi (@hasanthehun) December 22, 2022

When one of my posts bombs pic.twitter.com/5xlngS8hxd
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 23, 2022

i do NOT want a view count on my tweets. all it does is tell me that most people who saw my tweet didn't like it. and they all hate me and think i'm a bitch and i'm ugly.
— katie (@skatie420) December 22, 2022

this new ui is a nightmare. who the fuck is derek pic.twitter.com/qQqjPRt7MV
— jame (@kloogans) December 23, 2022

Okay I was kidding at first but this is aesthetically revolting. It's like I'm posting on Microsoft fucking Excel
— Honey (@benegotherit) December 22, 2022

I accidentally used my mom's fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 22, 2022

Neat little thread where Dr. Peterson seems to think that "all vehicles sold will be electric" means they ban all the old cars, that he won't want a new car in 13 years, that electric cars are not automobiles, and that "up yours, woke moralists" is actually a cool thing to say. pic.twitter.com/5EZaIARXza
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) December 22, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 23, 2022

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