December 8
Only way to beat Thanos is to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009
— Chief (@ChiefinNtweetin) December 8, 2018
Anxiety: get ready to fight
— No Dana only Yuul (@bimboscully) December 8, 2018
Me: what
Anxiety: idk dude just get ready to fight
Me: fight what
Anxiety: just get ready
World was way better when jocks ran it. Dorks run it now and are way more evil. A jock might push you into a locker. A dork invents an app that makes you hate yourself when you post on it or see other people's posts on it
— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) December 8, 2018
December 9
Grew up in a dead-end town,
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 10, 2018
Working so hard, no foolin' 'round,
Got myself a Broadway show,
Paying for my truck with my Broadway show
- Bruce Springsteen
If Offset can forgive Cardi B for catching him cheating, I think we all can forgive someone today.
— - (@Geespn) December 9, 2018
BREAKING: Friendly-fire skirmishes spotted in this year's "War on Christmas." pic.twitter.com/oIo8KHXyAC
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) December 9, 2018
Her: I want a divorce
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 9, 2018
Me: oh no
Gondolier: we have 40 minutes left
December 10
This is an actual typo made by an upstate NY newspaper over the weekend https://t.co/W5046uCPdq pic.twitter.com/WEDhoTnjog
— Griswold Christmas Vacation (@HashtagGriswold) December 10, 2018
I'm not worried about trump because sooner or later he's going to get a blowjob and we know that's when america will put its foot down
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 10, 2018
I'm at a cafe in London. A man locked himself in the bathroom, refused to come out & got into a yelling match with an employee. When he was finally forced out, I was worried about dying. Then I remembered EVERYONE DOES NOT HAVE A GUN HERE...so I went back to what I was reading.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) December 10, 2018
December 11
Is this just for his lawyers https://t.co/ONvntIiu3U
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 11, 2018
lmao almost got evicted bc of this pic.twitter.com/LDtBDjFHpt
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) December 11, 2018
me at the grocery store believing that i was only gonna pick up a few items and refusing to grab a cart pic.twitter.com/qzzN6liUQB
— james (@phan1om_) December 11, 2018
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually
— Chase (@mrmakethings) December 11, 2018
You're only allowed to call it a Monster Energy Drink if it comes from the Monster Energy region of France
— Jamesgle Bells (@cashbonez) December 11, 2018
i am never playing dodgeball against LeBron ever pic.twitter.com/Gxwy27UreH
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 11, 2018
"We need to find a new man to host!"
— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) December 11, 2018
"How about a woman?"
"But can we find a man who isn't homophobic?"
"What about an LGBTQ..."
"Maybe no host?"
"But I think there's a woman or an LGBTQ comic who would be grea..."
"It's impossible to find the right straight man! No host it is!" https://t.co/uzBSUToy18
December 12
I actually think the Sonic poster looks fine, but I'm a bit worried by the tagline pic.twitter.com/bBGlcwW9qt
— a very pixelated boat christmas (@pixelatedboat) December 12, 2018
Good on Sting for helping out https://t.co/nwypdnRfQq
— Chris Steller (@chris_steller) December 12, 2018
This tweet may have aged more poorly than any tweet in human history pic.twitter.com/dojbUoVWpz
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 12, 2018
Been gettin' razzed for using expression, "PIN number." Apparently, "number" is redundant. All I know is I need it for the ATM machine. https://t.co/iAw6JXhwK0
— Brian Regan (@BrianReganComic) December 13, 2018
do you guys think i can use my white privilege to kill him and get away with it https://t.co/4FdoGeiAzR
— 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 ⓥ (@glowyaquarius) December 12, 2018
So somebody did a Photoshop of Bernie as Mike Pence (and I don't know who) but it was TOTAL GOLD. So of course I had to turn it into a video.
— Paul Lee Ticks (@PaulLeeTicks) December 13, 2018
Enjoy ;) pic.twitter.com/Kyb95lLz77
What even is the point of Jason Momoa's bodyguards pic.twitter.com/cL1o8QG5vS
— Sarah (@Cinesnark) December 13, 2018
December 13
UGH WHAT WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES?
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) December 13, 2018
AS PART OF SOME SORT OF INSEPARABLE FAMILIAL UNIT?
OFTEN REMAINING MONOGAMOUS FOR LIFE?
LEARNING EARLY ON WHAT IT MEANS TO WATCH THE LIFE LEAVE A CREATURE'S EYES, KNOWING IT HAD TO BE THEM OR YOU?
ANYWAY PLEASE PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE SINK
HERE IT IS!!!! New BILLY ON THE STREET with @Lin_Manuel!!!! Watch Lin and I hit the street to find out if ANYBODY IS HAPPY. pic.twitter.com/QbmScrH1qo
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 13, 2018
We do judge Roman Polanski, you moron. It's the reason he won't set foot on U.S. soil. https://t.co/7cKIqZRJfk
— Jamal Igle, son of Mogh! (@JAMALIGLE) December 13, 2018
I've known @CaslerNoel for years. He has always been super professional and discreet. I'm so glad he's decided to reveal this important information about Trump. Thank you Noel, I know this isn't easy. pic.twitter.com/iZF5P9njMe
— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) December 14, 2018
ADDERALL! https://t.co/qn7G6UZPpz
— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) December 13, 2018
Mickey Rourke looks like a regular sized Verne Troyer and Axl is a young Mama Fratelli in The Goonies. pic.twitter.com/KiACIuCNZP
— Zedlacher (@zedlacher) December 13, 2018
December 14
I wish we could hold our extremely rapey current president to the same standards as we're holding a vaguely rapey old Christmas song.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 14, 2018
[bad Italian accent] https://t.co/QYHjRm0CV4
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) December 14, 2018
What about the fact that you're awkward and ineffectual and people try to avoid you when you approach https://t.co/T2QySxfXpv
— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) December 14, 2018
