August 24
What even are cats. pic.twitter.com/OoVP4NeK19
— 🐱 (@DAILYKlTTEN) August 24, 2018
Look at Marlon Wayans comment 😂 pic.twitter.com/G1XPPZ1Btk
— Raiders need to sign Mack (@kingmarcus301) August 25, 2018
August 25
This is assault pic.twitter.com/LTVE5X1kaD
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) August 26, 2018
Y'all ever look at old pictures of yourself and think "damn ppl really let me walk around like that" but then u look in the mirror and think "damn it's happening again"
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) August 25, 2018
i'm gonna let you guys in on a not-so-secret secret:
— ♡ chenin (@akhmourne) August 25, 2018
when people are talking about things they enjoy, and you come in with your spicy hot takes on why those things are bad and shouldn't be enjoyed
it doesn't make you sound enlightened, it makes you an sound like an asshole
August 26
My 5 year old son just asked "what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey's whole life" and none of the parenting books I've read have prepared me for this question.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
SOMEONE SAID "WAIT START AGAIN I WASNT RECORDING" AND SHE DID LMAOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/IEAhCM2YzX
— meliss (@majestcbitch) August 26, 2018
The official #MAGA flag. pic.twitter.com/kuynR1OTkK
— StrictlyChristo 🌊 📻 (@christoq) August 26, 2018
August 27
UNEXPECTED SINBAD APPEARANCE AT THE STATE FAIR! WELL, UNEXPECTED TO ME ANYWAY. STILL: SINBAD! pic.twitter.com/gwttQZPlgT
— John Moe (@johnmoe) August 27, 2018
today i asked my class to come up with a pair of terms that share a denotative meaning but whose connotative meanings differ and one student offered BUTT DIAL and BOOTY CALL anyway that student's the professor now
— Sarah Osment (@sm_osment) August 27, 2018
therapist: you have PTSD
— Abby (@yungmasala_) August 27, 2018
me: hell yeah I have PTSD: Proficient Talent for Sucking DICK lmao
therapist: maybe we can talk about your use of humor as an unhealthy coping mechanism for the trauma you've experienced
me: Sheryl, I don't think you understand how clever that joke was
August 28
I'm still on the same shampoo bottle as when louis ck's time out started
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) August 28, 2018
The code for the bathroom at this Starbucks is 90210 which the young barista passed on matter-of-factly as "nine zero two one zero" causing me to crumble into infinity dust
— jay smooth (@jsmooth995) August 28, 2018
STUDENTS: why is tuition $25,000 a year. why am i being taught by adjuncts making $5000 per class. why does the football coach make $1 million. why is—
— Official Enya VEVO (@nachdermas) August 28, 2018
UNIVERSITY: did someone say "heckin cute pupper"?! we've got DOGS you can pet in the library to relieve your stress & anxiety!
FALLON: So you're back from rape jail
— Ben Stanton (@ben_stanton_) August 28, 2018
LOUIS CK: That's right. (laughing) That's right. I'm back from rape jail.
FALLON: (laughing way too hard)
CK: Yknow, didn't love it in there. And really who does?
FALLON: (still laughing) right, right. And you've got a new special coming out
August 29
I used to rig card games for a living. I'd watch people sit down and lose everything, again and again. But they didn't lose because they "played by the rules" and we didn't. They lost because it wasn't a game. It just looked like one.
— DEREK DELGAUDIO (@derek_del) August 29, 2018
Democrats think it's a game.
What's the worst thing about your name?
— Annie (@HairyMcFairy) August 29, 2018
I always get people asking me if I'm ok.
If I'm ok.
If I'm ok.
[BETO O'ROURKE]
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) August 29, 2018
in a band
blasts cigs
good kisser
loves dogs
[TED CRUZ]
was a mime
"liked" porn
eats boogers
hit himself in the balls trying to dribble https://t.co/zxQPhwsXv5
August 30
Here is my Conan set. @TeamCoco https://t.co/d1myZOAHjr
— Brad Wenzel (@BradWenzel) August 30, 2018
I can't stop thinking about this pic.twitter.com/0xSoKoJotw
— Brett Davis (@BrettDavisRIP) August 30, 2018
modern day Ted Cruz as a mime, that is all pic.twitter.com/mhbE0pNogx
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 30, 2018
your rap name is your credit card number + the exp date + the cvc code on the back
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 30, 2018
August 31
My son kept pooping his pants at school and his teachers asked me to figure out a solution so I sent him to school without pants. They didn't like that solution.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 31, 2018
He's so dumb I want to call the police https://t.co/xPr6BKOOsG
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 31, 2018
