Miscellaneous Eastern European whites, Amazon bots defend real human rights, a prankster hits new Olympic heights, the way we're moving fish around bites and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 10

for the record I'm sure no one was more shocked by epstein's suicide than he was
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 10, 2019

2019 is so fucked you can't just be happy a pedophile killed himself.
— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) August 10, 2019

Guys, stop with the conspiracies. All that happened was an extremely rich man who had proof that dozens of extremely powerful people were pedophiles committed suicide by himself while being on suicide watch with no footage whatsoever https://t.co/2swktG1R2T
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 10, 2019

Monica Lewinsky.....how did you do it....amazing ...queen of staying alive
— as someone who, (@perma_ben) August 10, 2019

When your drone runs out of battery over a lake, timing is everything... pic.twitter.com/btDekWXpoV
— Lewis Vaughan Jones (@LVaughanJones) August 10, 2019

August 11

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody... pic.twitter.com/iaz2JqoNxn
— bri (@bricheeseyy) August 11, 2019

Friends: So Jeffrey, how was your weekend?
Me: pic.twitter.com/u5sVKYVftk
— Jeffrey R Epstein (@EpsteinJeffrey) August 11, 2019

I've watched this 17,467 times pic.twitter.com/7BCgSENogW
— tuca & bertie season two (@bkkirby) August 11, 2019

August 12

I can't believe I'm going to miss Burning Man again for the every year in a row
— Steve Agee (@steveagee) August 12, 2019

pic.twitter.com/G6V7aAufec
— claudia (@KiIledByDeath__) August 12, 2019

22 year old, smiling and asking about your day as they cringe under the weight of 79k student debt: tips $2 on a $4 latte

47 year old, jingling the keys to their audi as they ignore your small talk: rings up a $23 order, taps "custom tip" and manually types in 0.15
— cowboy is gender-neutral (@abigjackrabbit) August 12, 2019

pic.twitter.com/gVbqaiiGBF
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) August 13, 2019

Uber driver: ..........

Me: ...........

Uber driver: ............

Me: .............

Uber driver: .............

Me: ................

Uber driver: ................

Me: ..................

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars
— evil (@evilbart24) August 13, 2019

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 13, 2019

August 13

Old man/OG game...💪🏀😏😂 pic.twitter.com/IsFfLVYqGd
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 13, 2019

Hello everyone this is the Argentine knockoff of ET. His name was "Monguito." Have a great day. pic.twitter.com/6JgSCwNKFb
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) August 14, 2019

When will these motherfucker's stop stealing my bits?! https://t.co/fWWWcYtq1B
— )))David Cross((( (@davidcrosss) August 13, 2019

Cute Cashier at Trader Joe's: Do you have a Grindr?

Me: Uh... I just deleted it. Did you message me on there?

Cashier: For the beans, do you have a grinder for the coffee beans.

Me: pic.twitter.com/Vi19lUtDrM
— pete (@oheypete) August 13, 2019

lately i get the feeling that we're forgetting to ask the fish how they'd like to be transported https://t.co/VnfyGk0itr
— Alex Friedman (@kosherhotdogz) August 13, 2019

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn't oatmeal delicious
— logic luther king (@jaboukie) August 13, 2019

August 14

doctor: you have a disease that causes memory loss

me: is it contagious?

doctor: is what contagious?
— yabkat (@ohen39) August 14, 2019

this is my proudest edit that i've ever made (deleting later) pic.twitter.com/CBPM5h4sBj
— JhbTeam 🗣️💯 (@JhbTeam) August 15, 2019

Number of violent criminals who cited a President as motivation for their violent crime:
•Bush (8 years): 0
•Obama (8 years): 0
•Trump (2.5 years): 36

It's almost like promoting racism, xenophobia, & extremism results in racist xenophobic extremists.🤔https://t.co/DLB8KWm2tB
— Qasim Rashid, Esq. (@QasimRashid) August 14, 2019

" I feel a spark between us"

Me: pic.twitter.com/E3QkckWzXF
— Lance 🇱🇨 (@KingLRG_) August 15, 2019

boss: i found your twitter.

me: ok

boss: some posts were concerning.

me: ok

boss: specifically the one where your boss says he found your twitter

me: ok

boss: what does the teeth man say

me: idk i ran out of characters on that one

boss: please just tell me

the teeth man:
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) August 14, 2019

talent agencies are really underestimating how excited writers are to have any social event canceled https://t.co/zT4Okh5zRa
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 15, 2019

you're telling me a childhood made this trauma???
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) August 14, 2019

August 15

This thread of Diana talking to an army of Amazon corporate propaganda accounts is SERIOUSLY WEIRD. https://t.co/y9xQuK1QhB
— Respectable Lawyer (@RespectableLaw) August 15, 2019

Today I discovered that the French word for vegan cheese is "fauxmage" and I couldn't be more delighted.
— oh look another fool (@ElenaBjxrn) August 15, 2019

imagine ur a fish and u find another fish u like and u ask her to be ur gf and she says yes and then u put ur arm around her and ur about to kiss and then she gets pulled out of the water and shoved into a fucking tube and gets launched to a completely different lake
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) August 15, 2019

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING YOUR BLUETOOTH SPEAKER TO THE BEACH I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THE SOUND OF THE WAVES AND BIRDS AND WIND I WANTED TO HEAR THE SPOTIFY PLAYLIST YOU LISTEN TO EVERYWHERE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU HATE TO BE ALONE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS FOR EVEN 1 MINUTE THANK YOU
— SCOTTY (@MarylandMudflap) August 15, 2019

Block or charge?🏀🤷‍♂️👰🤵💥😏 pic.twitter.com/vVM8uvQlZJ
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 16, 2019

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I've come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
— the artist unfortunately known as (@babadookspinoza) August 15, 2019

When you're watching the second round of the NBA Draft. pic.twitter.com/LSEr1nQlqe
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) August 16, 2019

August 16

i am never deleting tik tok pic.twitter.com/pNsnjSEkLQ
— lys | HAPPY BIRTHDAY LESLIE 🎊 (@sohighmoon) August 16, 2019

My man created his own Olympics and I'm dead...💪😏😂 pic.twitter.com/0kuD6EndYy
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 16, 2019

The president to date has spent 278.5 YEARS of annual presidential salary in taxpayer money to play golf. https://t.co/vkkwfYxzcn
— S.V. Dáte (@svdate) August 16, 2019

How sad it must be to be a Trump supporter

Believing that scientists, scholars, teachers, economists, & journalists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you, while a reality TV star with decades of fraud and documented lying is your only beacon of truth & honesty.
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) August 16, 2019

COMPANIES BEFORE 2016: We sell pants!

COMPANIES NOW: Our global mission is to help consumers and communities thrive. We're focused on goals, solutions, and figuring out what's right, not who's right. We're a team. When we win, we all win together. We're dedicated to making a dif
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) August 17, 2019

Cyclists are wankers, that Guy is cool pic.twitter.com/4WtN6S5bqZ
— Methadone Pat (@adolfc18) August 17, 2019

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 16, 2019

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