That's the sky, the Montgomery Riverboat fight, what Barbie Mount Rushmore implies, isn't that right, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 4

there is no world in which you can predict what relationship problem this woman is complaining about https://t.co/5OU5Fe6ZkZ
— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) August 4, 2023

18 years since glenn howerton improvised this pic.twitter.com/wpeEuRIg3X
— ً (@paddysroyco) August 4, 2023

I knew I'd get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go "is that a new singer" and then a person born in 2007 goes "ew no they're a peeble streamer on doop" as I inch closer to the grave
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 4, 2023

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like "we're imagine dragons" . You have no choice but to believe them
— bobby Dazzler (@_SPACEBAR) August 4, 2023

I tried to run away from home once as a child but signed the letter "goobdye" and for years after that my family would be like "ok goobdye" every time I left the house for school
— JP (@jpbrammer) August 4, 2023

Arming my children with the People's Liberation Army Water Rail Gun so they can liberate the playground from western influence https://t.co/STf0jhobwh
— NOT Potato Bolshevik (@NotPotBol) August 4, 2023

A new Grimace has been chosen https://t.co/oeYsOIW1l2
— Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) August 4, 2023

Complaining about new drunk driving laws in the 80s. pic.twitter.com/iX2Wm4ebFc
— Fascinating (@fasc1nate) August 4, 2023

Here's some silly stuff I said that's not too serious. pic.twitter.com/ztDZmzNLxO
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) August 4, 2023

girl he's YOUR man pic.twitter.com/pX2ZbaU83a
— helen (@helen) August 4, 2023

It may not be for this guy, but I can't believe this website is free for the rest of us. pic.twitter.com/eOxAQOd1ki
— Nude Gingrich (@JarJarFan69) August 4, 2023

Fox News is freaking out about Biden's newest video where he sips from a Dark Brandon mug: "That's actually a really dark joke at the expense of the American public! Brandon is not a compliment!" pic.twitter.com/dC0q7NnKy4
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) August 4, 2023

To be clear, Trump doesn't want to be tried in a Black city by a Black jury and a Black judge for a crime allegedly committed in that Black city to try and deprive Black residents of other Black cities (Atlanta, Detroit, Philadelphia) from having their votes counted. That's it. https://t.co/AzNySxBARu
— Mehdi Hasan (@mehdirhasan) August 4, 2023

Probably shouldn't have done crimes there then brother https://t.co/RpAcgGUDRA
— Lolo (@LolOverruled) August 4, 2023

? He's holding a fucking umbrella man pic.twitter.com/E3o7yApSC8
— j aubrey 🤠 (@jaubreyYT) August 4, 2023

That's why I'm not using online instructor! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/OAYBLSBVOF
— Figen (@TheFigen_) August 4, 2023

This is a beautiful metaphor for healthcare. A Canadian using Twitter for free says they don't have ER bills, gets condescended by an American paying 8 dollars for the exact same service. pic.twitter.com/891qjXLD12
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) August 4, 2023

August 5

about to take my hating game to a different level with this tip https://t.co/rZzQKWg7dU
— Edward Ongweso Jr (@bigblackjacobin) August 6, 2023

i'm crying pic.twitter.com/7saWamamSH
— bethany (@fiImgal) August 5, 2023

Incredible Tarantino impression by Clooney here pic.twitter.com/P7xpkS0lg8
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) August 5, 2023

the existence of barbie mount rushmore implies a barbie great sioux war, a barbie custer, a barbie indian appropriations act of 1876 pic.twitter.com/Apwj2fSDae
— John Hinckley Jr. Jr. (@HinckleyJrJr) August 5, 2023

remember folks this is what's really happening here... pic.twitter.com/PI36HDQkaA
— Spencer Rothbell (@srothbell) August 5, 2023

exact same dead eyed grimace mr beast has it's uncanny https://t.co/ltA0qkOYlu
— Jacob 🦅 🪷 (@PReotardo) August 5, 2023

Normally, you'd just open the door, but these cars are a *little* different pic.twitter.com/NxYNg2xYSR
— Will 🦥 Menaker (@willmenaker) August 5, 2023

In case you don't speak criminalese:

"Gone to the Dark Side" = Agreed to tell the truth under oath to a grand jury

"I never told…" = I totally told

"I once read…" = I'm making it up

"Sad!" = I'm screwed pic.twitter.com/DOuuuQTfPh
— Jack E. Smith ⚖️ (@7Veritas4) August 5, 2023

How it started. How it's going. pic.twitter.com/IdGPtfRlAh
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) August 5, 2023

There's a decent chance Republicans start a civil war if Trump is imprisoned. But there's also a decent chance they'll start a civil war if Fritos does a brand deal with RuPaul.
— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) August 5, 2023

If you're 65+ in order to vote you have to convert a word file to pdf https://t.co/FAZihnUjM4
— First generation home renter (@InternetHippo) August 5, 2023

Do you think Drake panics about what to do when LeBron comes to town? Is he like "uhh I guess we could go to the Distillery District?" https://t.co/t2ADLlSC3r
— michael kolberg (@mikeykolberg) August 5, 2023

Train carrying fresh water derails, contaminating Alberta's oil sandshttps://t.co/QYfhkBkFc0 pic.twitter.com/ypaqczSH8U
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) August 5, 2023

"terrible time in Canada right now..."

My brother in Christ, you are literally in the middle of a parade celebrating diversity in this country. https://t.co/JtPLXsADij
— Antin/AHTIH (@antinh) August 5, 2023

August 6

Right-wing accounts are responding to this photo of Justin Trudeau with his son with accusations the teenager is his lover.

It's hard to overstate how perverse and sexually-preoccupied the far right is. I don't even bother to call out most of it anymore because it's so sick. https://t.co/gXowzIyNBG
— Leah McElrath (@leahmcelrath) August 7, 2023

Dude goes to a movie with his son. Ousts every single anti gay person on Twitter globally. Fucking genius.
— Roddy (@RodKahx) August 7, 2023

i agree with this because i go to the movies alone all the time and it's just because i want to see a movie and i don't have an insecurity that makes me think being alone is worse than death https://t.co/kYO5VssSu6
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) August 6, 2023

.@BenShapiro: "My prediction: [Barbie] is just absolutely going to fall off a cliff after [week one]. The repeat business on this movie is going to be nonexistent." https://t.co/9GOYC60qjT pic.twitter.com/ofn1HvleHS
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) August 6, 2023

really enjoyed the polite way old people would call you weird as a child. "You march to the beat of your own drum" hell yea i do
— empress sissi (@historicalfits) August 6, 2023

The boomers have arrived on Twitter pic.twitter.com/qJ0ESfnNke
— Right Wing Cope (@RightWingCope) August 6, 2023

pic.twitter.com/jJoqiOtjtB
— ☀️👀 (@zei_squirrel) August 6, 2023

actual names of kids playing in the little league world series game on espn right now:
-fuller carver
-hudson harper
-knox nance
-cabbott clark
-colton clayton
-cason rhoden
— bobby (@bobby) August 6, 2023

sorry but this is game over for Putin https://t.co/MZZaGkKHHy
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 6, 2023

The Witch-king marches from Minas Morgul. We come to it at last, the great battle of our time. https://t.co/EkPNyrN8eU
— JRR Jokien (@joshcarlosjosh) August 6, 2023

Possibly the most insane thing bosses do is assume their employees are working for any reason other than money
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) August 6, 2023

"Tell me about a time you worked as a team to solve a problem" https://t.co/gJna8Gzl4g
— Timothée (@peoplescrtic) August 6, 2023

After watching several Montgomery Riverboat fight videos, I've decided that this is my favorite part. pic.twitter.com/CrL4zs4dUr
— Sean. (@Melanism) August 6, 2023

Me watching all the angles of the Great Montgomery Melee pic.twitter.com/BQVuKyPpn1
— KIΠG (@RNB215) August 7, 2023

This video shows how the whole Alabama ferry brawl started.

Brother man was doing his job telling these folks to move their boat so the ferry could dock.

Privileged ass white people refused to move and then jumped him pic.twitter.com/6fPnjBDGsH
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) August 6, 2023

Those white people on the Alabama dock are now begging folks on Facebook not to cancel them cause they own a mini-mart and don't want to lose business pic.twitter.com/RRM0sf0om6
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) August 6, 2023

Black people are so damn funny!! 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/pMKNBqKL4f
— Oooo Mami (@MichelaWariebi) August 7, 2023

It's giving Avengers Endgame! Frame it pic.twitter.com/Lv9LX74ptm
— Dawn (@_dawnmontgomery) August 6, 2023

They issued out a different type of ass whooping in Montgomery. Whew, Black Twitter💪🏾 pic.twitter.com/IKX7JT5NcX
— Teri💋💋 (@MissNomofantasy) August 7, 2023

If I text you 🏊‍♀️ 🚢 my people on the way
— 🦋 (@t_sadiity) August 6, 2023

Me counting the number of ass whuppings that happened on that dock. pic.twitter.com/8mSRx7rtz8
— April (@ReignOfApril) August 6, 2023

Y'all wild af for this… 😂😂😂

December 16, 1773
Boston Tea Party

August 5, 2023
Alabama Sweet Tea Party
— Semoneeeeeeeee. (@simplyysemone) August 7, 2023

August 7

🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🪑🪑🪑🪑🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑GOOD🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️MORNING!🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️🏊🏾‍♂️
— MrsBundrige (@MrsBundrige) August 7, 2023

I keep that thang on me. pic.twitter.com/xw1fu1obJP
— Rstewart.artspan.com (@RStewartJewelry) August 7, 2023

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/2TrEnl31GR
— Schlotzsky's (@Are_Ohh_Bee) August 7, 2023

Of allll the memes and captions and comments, Fade In the Water is absolutely the winner. I am inconsolable rn 😭😭
— Langston Blues (@dradambanks) August 7, 2023

These fools were having such a lovely day on their boat and then they decided to FAFO and FAFO they did pic.twitter.com/pi7w35q9aE
— Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) August 7, 2023

Seriously inquiries only… pic.twitter.com/GNmCsMNZhh
— IG: @emanhudson (@Emanhudson) August 7, 2023

This is fine theater right here.
Give everybody an independent spirit award or something.#FadeInTheWater pic.twitter.com/2LVeXhg0qh
— Naima Cochrane (@naima) August 7, 2023

Head chog pic.twitter.com/xC13jX4BnU
— Your Mum (@mumtuum) August 7, 2023

Megan Rapinoe takes Trump ON 🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/GOauktrlHn
— PLZPLZ Follow - Faith Back Rub (@FaithRubPol) August 7, 2023

The dude cheated on Natalie Portman, which just goes to show that being French is a condition you can hold off for while but never cure https://t.co/kkdO2E1hcD
— Brendan Frasier Crane (@bf_crane) August 7, 2023

You know what they call Colin the Caterpillar in Paris? https://t.co/RwdCjkmUBY pic.twitter.com/UjYyBUuLQX
— Matt Oakley (@MattOakleyMojo) August 7, 2023

had a pilot named Ken yesterday and he introduced himself by saying his job is plane
— ceo 🥀 (@ceo_revenge) August 7, 2023

naming my daughter The Meg https://t.co/rbGOgXera7
— JP (@jpbrammer) August 8, 2023

I can't recommend enough that you watch every single William Friedkin interview you can get your hands on

This is him talking about the Exorcist sequels pic.twitter.com/sjxcqoyj9m
— Joe McAdam (@joemcadam) August 7, 2023

Twitter ads: "Go "Goblin Mode" at McDonald's with the brand new Rocky Road Milkshake!"

X ads: "You ever want to kill your spouse? I am not joking."
— pointman (@appuntito160) August 7, 2023

The innate desire to beat Elon Musk into a fine paste is the most human emotion Zuck has ever had https://t.co/grp53YnVfe
— Sylvian (#1 Skinners of the Flower Marink Fan) (@TheAlexSylvian) August 7, 2023

this week on "touch grass" pic.twitter.com/VDZtw33ity
— m (@torphor) August 7, 2023

August 8

Just normal human stuff pic.twitter.com/25q3JYih4A
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) August 8, 2023

we just some creative ass folks 😆🔥✊🏾 #Montgomery pic.twitter.com/haRUjj9P0S
— scott poulson-bryant (@SPBPHD) August 8, 2023

Look at them making stuff up already there was NEVER a black man holding a folding chair https://t.co/5i43a1ewT8
— Panic! At The TL (@Puff_Iya) August 8, 2023

pic.twitter.com/wwuaLV81QE
— Paul Leigh -Some Rascal on the Internet 🟧🇺🇸🇺🇦 (@Pleightx) August 8, 2023

Still don't think I've ever seen self-sabotage like this before. She didn't press charges and lied to protect him, and so he went on a strange campaign of trashing her in public, only for the state to then charge him and for it to end up like this. Never had to happen. https://t.co/gUUzkO9DdY
— Zito (@_Zeets) August 8, 2023

Julio fooled the whole stadium pic.twitter.com/TaKWs3rNZ8
— Talkin' Baseball (@TalkinBaseball_) August 9, 2023

there it is pic.twitter.com/DcauGyTOdt
— Sarah Langs (@SlangsOnSports) August 8, 2023

looking good sir pic.twitter.com/L3mfqFeP1M
— Brennan Murphy (@brenonade) August 8, 2023

finding out that I snore has been such a humbling experience. I thought I was a good person.
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) August 8, 2023

unfortunately i'm not addicted to the grind i am addicted to the unwind i love chilling and relaxation and overall taking it easy
— Butt Stuff (@DMbuttstuff) August 8, 2023

This is one of my favourite ever jokes in a sitcom https://t.co/kZogYMKKhd
— Aidan Fitzmaurice (@FancyVegasPro) August 8, 2023

what the fuck is a summer flu? you have covid
— Reese 😷 • mask up, ableists (@ReesiePeacie) August 8, 2023

pic.twitter.com/rX2GKwaFmF
— community notes violating people (@cnviolations) August 8, 2023

writing professors will tell you "completely evil characters are unrealistic" and then you meet people who are like "children should work in the mines for a crust of bread" or "we could lower the marginal tax rate if we burned down the libraries"
— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) August 8, 2023

August 9

rip to robbie robertson pic.twitter.com/3ofDyoX9xy
— josh terry (@JoshhTerry) August 9, 2023

If anyone asks why I just walked into the woods and was never seen again, just show them this snippet of EM and Grimes' courtship story pic.twitter.com/mRYZxB7hjS
— 🎃Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) August 10, 2023

Job applications asking you to list your social media links pic.twitter.com/KJxVwK0sWn
— Firaga Walk With Meg 2: The Trench (@firagawalkwthme) August 9, 2023

dr. j robert oppenheimer, you are a member of...

OPPENHEIMER: a member of...

the american communist party. isnt that right?

OPPENHEIMER: well nardwuar i nev—

dr. oppenheimer i have a gift for you today.

OPPENHEIMER: oh wow my wife's communist party card whered you find this
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) August 9, 2023

omg the lesbians did what ?? https://t.co/Oc49qH0rsZ
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) August 9, 2023

this is so funny dicaprio can slice his hand open with a glass and keep his composure but the one thing that scares him is having to kiss a woman older than 30 https://t.co/ce3oqA7Fw8
— Cian 🇮🇪 (@cianindublin) August 9, 2023

You know it's bad when they actually report on it https://t.co/CV3vDtPPFO
— Lauren McKenzie (@TheMcKenziest) August 10, 2023

Sickening that there's tourists asking about how to salvage their vacation in a time like this. THIS IS WHY WE TELL YOU TO STAY HOME because when OUR HOME is in trouble , fakas more worried about why they can't go to the beach in a town that's burning
— HIAPO ☾ ☽ (@kawailenaa_) August 9, 2023

No, fuck you. pic.twitter.com/lhpgwtGKMN
— jamie (@gnuman1979) August 9, 2023

I am a resident of Maui, Hawaii. My island is on fire. My city was burned fo the ground thanks to wildfires fueled by winds from Hurricane Dora. Tim Scott and every Republican can go to hell as they continue to deny climate change. I'm LIVING the #ClimateCrisis. #MauiFires https://t.co/8ZfNUyT8Kh
— HawaiiDelilah™ 🟦 #MauiStrong (@HawaiiDelilah) August 9, 2023

How is the right dealing with 110° heat waves, killer floods, and general climate catastrophe?

Glad you asked.

They've drafted a 950-page plan for the next Republican president to gut the EPA, halt the transition to clean energy and electric cars, and burn more fossil fuels.
— Robert Reich (@RBReich) August 10, 2023

This was really the only possible outcome. pic.twitter.com/4NvKgYUFIv
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 10, 2023

When you're getting indicted but your lawyer won't stop beatboxing pic.twitter.com/xopl0nWnzw
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) August 9, 2023

Easily one of the best cop slide videos I've seen pic.twitter.com/y9JCt3jCKm
— joe 💦🥩 (@joesmith6282) August 10, 2023

This should absolutely be the death knell for the Ford government.

The question is: will our press cover it with even a fraction of the voracity they do when the PM gets a haircut or wears a pink sweater? #onpoli #cdnmediafailed https://t.co/wu9q0uEsBF
— David Brown (@OrbitStudios) August 9, 2023

#ONpoli

"Folks, it is scientifically impossible to build a single unit of housing in Ontario without giving away $8.3 Billion in land flipping profits to your wedding guests. That's just supply and demand." pic.twitter.com/D3J97rdifO
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) August 9, 2023

August 10

Your government is crooked and should be investigated by the cops.

Resign. https://t.co/HXZLV4utPI
— David Moscrop (@David_Moscrop) August 10, 2023

Odd. It's as if Ford's people don't trust him to respond appropriately. https://t.co/SkNju9vbOS
— Stephen Maher (@stphnmaher) August 10, 2023

https://t.co/pwhvwK82VK pic.twitter.com/myJdaTRFM6
— Luke Savage (@LukewSavage) August 10, 2023

Can't believe they forgot to add the three french hens. pic.twitter.com/eU7dgYzNBd
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) August 10, 2023

At this point, you do have to wonder if Clarence Thomas is a great hang. Just fun to be around.
— willy 🌜💧 (@willystaley) August 10, 2023

I didn't think I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice but the lifestyle sounds amazing
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) August 10, 2023

Flying is amazing. All you have to do is pay $400, stand in a big tube so a guy can look at your penis through an x-ray, and sit next to an old man who is open mouth coughing on you for four hours and then you get to land in Phoenix Arizona.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) August 10, 2023

boston is gonna turn into mad max in like two weeks https://t.co/lwCtsF7Uzx
— fancy waddle dee (@fivepoisonskid) August 10, 2023

that's a cool tv man. can i hold the remote and slide the battery lid open and shut over and over again?
— descriptive display name that is way too long and (@mrgracemugabe) August 10, 2023

pic.twitter.com/kgS5ffEDDq
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) August 10, 2023

fellas is it gay to get medical help https://t.co/Cj4QyOhykp
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) August 10, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 11, 2023

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