When you DJ and produce, Christopher Meloni's caboose, avocados get loose, set up for a double deuce, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 2

zack fox has never missed. pic.twitter.com/ykgbX3PLhr
— nard (@avantnard) April 2, 2021

One of the ladies at the vaccination site acknowledged me by saying, "Come on over here, lashes" 😭
— Baby this is Keke Palmer (@CreoleBabyBritt) April 3, 2021

Tried to make pigs in a blanket..it's giving pigs on a air mattress 🥴🤣 pic.twitter.com/zV2AqDmOnn
— Serial Healer✨ (@KvngSuki) April 2, 2021

Fran and Tyler Durden slept together pic.twitter.com/2FDz9l5Mcb
— emily sundberg (@Emily_Sundberg) April 2, 2021

the point of tweeting is not to go viral. the point of tweeting is to get a few likes and a concerned text from a friend
— Bailey Moon (@Baileymoon15) April 2, 2021

the plot of every godzilla movie pic.twitter.com/Umyz3ug3sy
— 🐛 Emma Stefansky 🐛 (@stefabsky) April 2, 2021

oh shit. oh fuck. one of my avocados hatched last night and i have no idea where it went pic.twitter.com/jW9IGdBIru
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) April 2, 2021

SVU is filming in park slope this week and someone in the neighborhood facebook group posted this photo of chris meloni

🥵 pic.twitter.com/A2fAENk05u
— peter hess (@PeterNHess) April 7, 2021

you go girl pic.twitter.com/zpcO3t3Cje
— Jules Lipoff, MD (@juleslipoff) April 2, 2021

April 3

Ok, i haven't really used this platform all that much, but seeing my yearbook photo make so many people happy warms my heart. 🥺🖤 https://t.co/fUvUMZAlGv
— Nika 🖤 (@NecroticNika) April 3, 2021

Saw a celebrity today. pic.twitter.com/KwQDm1iEoP
— danielle jones (@djtweets) April 3, 2021

the anatomy of a hug pic.twitter.com/WMr7fqtMRx
— hey bestie (@lyxopk) April 4, 2021

a what now pic.twitter.com/STy1GXGZzd
— italian bf (@holeenjoyer) April 3, 2021

who thought this was a good idea for my 5th birthday pic.twitter.com/mK5q2AuVLe
— Matty, the based savage (@mattyboysav) April 3, 2021

'He doesn't look autistic.'

'My apologies. Luke, would you mind doing an autism for the lady please.'
— Simon Harris - #LovelyBitOfSquirrel (@simonharris_mbd) April 3, 2021

COMPARE THE CALLS: CBS / ESPN / Russia / Westwood One English / Westwood One Spanish pic.twitter.com/3wg5MufE8Z
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) April 4, 2021

whenever i'm having a bad day i just google birds behind glasses of water and it helps pic.twitter.com/gaTykixeIS
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) April 3, 2021

April 4

The Department of Fisheries in Hyderabad, India pic.twitter.com/RgavgOrmWH
— ᴇᴀʀᴛʜ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ (@D1C0MM) April 4, 2021

late night talks hit different on these pic.twitter.com/1ZnmoqDSoz
— k.r.a.t. (@KWholesaler) April 4, 2021

I've faced more peer pressure in my life to start animes than do drugs
— Ajay (@akumar_Ftw) April 5, 2021

Excited to tell my grandkids that during the pandemic I did not learn any new skills, I didn't get fit, I had no children, and I became overall slightly worse as a person
— Hope Rehak (@HopeRehak) April 5, 2021

He is risen pic.twitter.com/Ncu84ArZ2L
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) April 4, 2021

Congrats Chris pic.twitter.com/bL3CZQw5a5
— Elizabeth Sampat (@twoscooters) April 4, 2021

WAP stands for
When the moon hits your eye like
A big
Pizza pie
— B.C. Williams (@notthatbcagain) April 4, 2021

pic.twitter.com/BocbgQsy3Y
— Tristan Cooper (@TristanACooper) April 4, 2021

April 5

Still not over this trauma pic.twitter.com/5BMR1naFNI
— Nori Reed (@nori_reed) April 6, 2021

I don't want a nicer body for men I want a nicer body so I can sit in my room alone and look at it
— ִֶָ֪֢ (@2am_vibxz) April 5, 2021

Let me know if anyone wants to use my Ben Affleck Tarot deck. pic.twitter.com/MCfayJYj3A
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) April 6, 2021

but would your thesis defend YOU?
— AJ (@ajiswriting) April 5, 2021

One time I was producing music for a Pizza Hut commercial and during a call w/ the agency this guy from PH got on & said "You know what we do? We create shit. No one asked us to put cheese in the crust. But guess what? We fucking did it." And I literally think about him every day
— rob lowry (he/him) (@robertlowry) April 6, 2021

I bring a sort of "we should all quit" vibe to the workplace that bosses don't really like
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) April 5, 2021

"you got this. you can work 5 days. you can do this for the rest of your life until you die." pic.twitter.com/xRglru1AK4
— ꧁Madimoiselle꧂ (@drivingmemadi) April 5, 2021

Born too late to be Vine famous born too early to be TikTok famous, born just in time to graduate into a pandemic and not qualify for a stimulus check
— Yongathan (@yongAKA) April 6, 2021

I'll kinda lose respect for a shirt after I've slept in it, you know?
— Steve Hely (@helytimes) April 6, 2021

The mango seed when I'm done. pic.twitter.com/VYAN2r91XP
— senia🪴 (@drawntosenia) April 6, 2021

going swimming with these guys to get rid of my UTI ❤️ pic.twitter.com/sAqpqVLm4l
— hannah jo!!! (@whoahannahjo) April 6, 2021

I came for a nut but arrived at a conclusion pic.twitter.com/oB9ZXI9HQ5
— j (@jrllysucks) April 5, 2021

vaccinated people should NOT be doing heists right now. its an irresponsible time to gather 6-8 of your girlfriends to steal from the MET. cant believe I have to say this
— Melissa Lozada-Oliva (@ellomelissa) April 6, 2021

April 6

Saw this clip on Reddit. Absolutely ROLLING at the way the bird says hello. pic.twitter.com/32d7Rhm9yi
— Ali Arikan (@aliarikan) April 7, 2021

i come on twitter to talk to myself if you read it that's on you
— ᴬʳᵠᵘᶦ (@iamarqui) April 7, 2021

the finest moment DMX ever gave to the world was him riding the slingshot in Orlando with his daughter pic.twitter.com/4MwD1HYL9a
— 📼video🏝quay📼 (@dvorak) April 6, 2021

When you DJ and produce pic.twitter.com/013kQ9gAaF
— Koarse \ Sjef (@koarsestuff) April 6, 2021

Ok so we're admitting the wars are fought over oil now https://t.co/ps7XXZKKJa
— 🍀 #FreeJulianAssange 🍀 (@bymyelf) April 7, 2021

Anyone know where I can get one of these? pic.twitter.com/TRUxeie28W
— Punished Kramer (Quadroon) (@Otaku_Fish) April 7, 2021

pic.twitter.com/s8imLevBxU
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) April 6, 2021

pic.twitter.com/uxw0vdeNh6
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) April 7, 2021

if my girl pulls up in these anything goes pic.twitter.com/LdbozSBaBv
— sauce (@bighugemuscles) April 6, 2021

Fuck a 2 weeks notice. Yall shoulda noticed 2 weeks ago tht i was bout to quit
— Toni (@toni3l7) April 6, 2021

"You sick?" 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/4MjV8ZlFxM
— Aisha 🤎 #EndSARS (@princessjahadd) April 6, 2021

So far Canada has vaccinated 11 people
— Pastor Kyle. (@itsqail) April 6, 2021

being vaccinated does NOT mean you can invite six people you've been blackmailing over and pretend to be your butler while coercing them into killing all your informants. no matter how convoluted your scheme might be. please be smart.
— matt ford (@JMatthiasFord) April 7, 2021

Being vaccinated does NOT mean you can host a younger Professor and his wife over for a seemingly endless night of booze and sick little mind games.
— Jeff Heimbrock (@jheimbrock) April 6, 2021

April 7

Just because you have the vaccine does NOT mean you can travel to a private island where you build a chateau and force all shipwrecked sailors into a game in which you give them a knife and three hours head-start before you hunt them for sport with your hounds and manservant
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) April 8, 2021

being vaccinated does NOT mean you can travel to sweden with your boyfriend and his friends to attend one of his friends' rural hometown's fabled midsummer festival
— jonny sun's new book comes out april 20! (@jonnysun) April 7, 2021

being vaccinated does NOT mean you can meet up with your childhood love at his diner while he cooks you a meal then drives you home to wrap his arms around you, holding all your pieces together after you confess you broke yourself for him
— giabuchi lastrassi (@jaboukie) April 8, 2021

"can we reschedule?" YES GOD YES PLEASE YES WOOHOO
— Gus Constantellis (@ConstantlyGus) April 7, 2021

I have a very important question for you all pic.twitter.com/ZeXnIq2eF8
— guiseppe moment (@birdappreciator) April 7, 2021

Another normal day on a normal website. pic.twitter.com/6ixlnNaIfc
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) April 7, 2021

this interview absolutely delivers https://t.co/1uoZx2Gfo5 pic.twitter.com/LKK2L0jwau
— Dan Kois (@dankois) April 7, 2021

This is art pic.twitter.com/f3URQSgEFM
— jeremy (@jeremythunder) April 7, 2021

Why are they called 'school gym clothes' and not 'class action suits'?
— An English Human 🤓 (@English_Channel) April 7, 2021

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week. pic.twitter.com/JaDAakpvxA
— Laurel Rosenhall (@LaurelRosenhall) April 7, 2021

Hard not to agree pic.twitter.com/3rEP4lb3dE
— Lebbertoxd (@InsaneLetterbox) April 7, 2021

When you think about it, the most realistic cop show is Inspector Gadget because he has millions of dollars worth of advanced technology at his disposal but is still less capable of solving crimes than a literal child
— Xan (@ComicsByXan) April 8, 2021

long hair is such a romantic power play. i'm in your bed, your car, your butt crack. u can't escape me
— aiden :) (@aidenarata) April 8, 2021

So I accidentally gave myself my own vaccine. The pharmacy tech scooted the tray to me and left and I was like I guess I'm doin this myself?? And just wiped my shoulder with the alcohol thingy and gave myself the vaccine. The pharmacy tech looked at me like I just killed someone.
— Alex (@confinedinhell) April 7, 2021

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2021

April 8

My niece asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer!" by The Monkees because she found it annoying. I first thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face...
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) April 8, 2021

Smart dog. I only wish I'd thought of hiding behind the couch when I first met him. https://t.co/oi7XtNy8lA
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) April 8, 2021

This Trump supporter learned the definition of socialism. pic.twitter.com/9o0vET91AB
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) April 8, 2021

pic.twitter.com/tgeQEzfplb
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) April 8, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 9, 2021

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