March 30
Request to settle parking spot fights this way from now on pic.twitter.com/28coD25C4D
— laney (@misslaneym) March 31, 2019
kathryn hahn being absolutely smitten by rachel weisz while the carol opening score plays in the background pic.twitter.com/fFqiU2shaP
— miss meri (@tahani_aljamil) March 31, 2019
Bruce Wayne: how would you like to come take a ride in my batmobile
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) March 30, 2019
date:
Bruce: I mean...brucemobile
date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Your move Pornhub. https://t.co/u8k5u1ZLmy
— Billy Wayne Davis (@BillyWayneDavis) March 31, 2019
March 31
oh god oh fuck pic.twitter.com/JmrilYLl3n
— John (@monadoboii) March 31, 2019
hero forever #KissMeKissMeKissMe pic.twitter.com/TCXsAiaU5P
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 31, 2019
[Women's DMs]
— Julicorn 🦄 (@ChicksRule) March 31, 2019
Hi gorgeous
8:34 am
Hello
10:45 am
Hi how are you
12:56 pm
Hey you there
3:33 pm
How are you today
5:26 pm
Hi love
8:43 pm
fuck u slut
11:21 pm
hey how are you
8:21 am
Your dad small as hell https://t.co/HtqateTWnp
— Alex, but online (@Alex_but_online) March 31, 2019
Jimmy Carrey and Mussolini's actual granddaughter in a Twitter fight may be the most 2019 thing yet.
— Bill Shea (@Bill_Shea19) March 31, 2019
I just did a show where a female comic said "she is now banging the fattest guy she's ever banged" and then she just listed my exact height and weight
— Jace Avery (@JaceAvery) March 31, 2019
If it's that easy to close the border with Mexico, why do we need a $50 billion wall? https://t.co/CAoHSKQlPL
— Ronald Klain (@RonaldKlain) March 31, 2019
This moment is UNMISSABLE.#TheKidsInTheHall doing what they do best. Congratulations to @KITHOnline on your Academy Icon Award!#CdnScreenAwards
— The Canadian Academy (@TheCdnAcademy) April 1, 2019
Tune in NOW at https://t.co/N5IHgPn01q! pic.twitter.com/b4xBJJ58Vh
April 1
Gmail debuted 15 years ago today!
— Ryan Perry (@rynprry) April 1, 2019
My favorite Gmail memory, by far, is entering my login and password. What's your Gmail login and password?
oh my god pic.twitter.com/32MOf3LcIN
— Meggie Gates 2020 (@meggie_gates) April 2, 2019
April fools!! pic.twitter.com/i6d93awb6u
— Good doggos (@DoggoDating) April 1, 2019
Me: can an owl turn her head so she's face to face with the boy owl when they do it doggy style?
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) April 1, 2019
Interviewer: that's a great question about the job
the punchline of a prank is "haha you trusted your friend"
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) April 1, 2019
— Dark Stock Photos (@darkstockphotos) April 1, 2019
We @KITHOnline were so honoured and thrilled to receive the Icons award at the #canadianscreenawards that we passed out from excitement like a bunch of fainting goats. pic.twitter.com/S12S5i8adD
— Scott Thompson (@ScottThompson_) April 1, 2019
April 2
Catherine O'Hara the best all time https://t.co/Zd0JwspYrb
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) April 2, 2019
Dear the rest of Canada,
— Abe Oudshoorn (@AbeOudshoorn) April 2, 2019
Voting Conservative because you're mad at the Liberals is a really terrible idea.
Sincerely,
Ontario
Live footage of the UK leaving the EU pic.twitter.com/3JxAlmrD8W
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) April 2, 2019
Do white people know that the dogs in Flint don't have clean water either? Have we tried that approach?
— Madison Marie Gladys Jones (@Maddie_Jones515) April 2, 2019
I wish scarecrow was a real job. I'd be good at that. I go months without seeing a crow. They want none of this.
— Brad Wenzel (@BradWenzel) April 2, 2019
April 3
how are the Suns supposed to win games when they arent even allowed to dribble anymore pic.twitter.com/b87qvWno02
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) April 4, 2019
1992: There are 8 websites. they do nothing
— John Miguel McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) April 3, 2019
1999: There are 5 million websites dedicated to every conceivable interest or curiosity
2019: There are 8 websites. they do nothing, but you must be on them continuously in order to exist
Joaquin is just quinoa pronounced in reverse
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) April 3, 2019
Dolphins Famous
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) April 3, 2019
having sex poets
🤝
E E Cummings
wake up
— phil matarese (@philorphilip) April 3, 2019
little screen
medium screen
little screen
medium screen
medium screen
big screen
little screen
little screen
little screen
sleep
Some mailman had a real fucked up day pic.twitter.com/cz39rN94qZ
— Isaac (@riphoodtech) April 3, 2019
Crocodile Dundee: That's not a knife... THIS is a knife
— the drake gatsby 🎲 (@DrakeGatsby) April 3, 2019
Alligator Dundee: What about this? *pulls out a knife that is almost identical and only nerds can tell the difference*
sir? @JoeBiden pic.twitter.com/3jYUHMKN1S
— bobby prime (@bobby) April 4, 2019
this trailer for the new Joker movie looks fucking sick pic.twitter.com/9UbsZnxgYH
— Michael Robuenault (@MichaelRobnalt) April 3, 2019
April 4
Straight men on Elizabeth Warren: "She messed up once and I can't get over it."
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 4, 2019
Straight men on The Joker: "Really excited to hear his side of the story."
— jordan (@JordanUhl) April 4, 2019
"NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER" pic.twitter.com/hVMjCqXIv6
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) April 5, 2019
April 5
I wish we could have heard this beatbox battle. pic.twitter.com/fFCsK63JzX
— Chris Walder (@WalderSports) April 5, 2019
Man, if you want to know anything about the essential nature of social media platforms, just check out what happened to Vine when the people on the service suddenly saw themselves as workers instead of users.
— Matt Pearce 🦅 (@mattdpearce) April 5, 2019
From "Kids These Days": pic.twitter.com/zfrTzjk0Kx
did... did a dog write this comment? pic.twitter.com/ry8rDW9aqb
— Kivan Beans (@KivaBay) April 5, 2019
you'd think there'd be a better business model than paying desperate early 20s writers $200 to cobble together "I read Cat In The Hat and Y I K E S" so people hate share it but here we are
— creationist who wears snapbacks (@ByYourLogic) April 6, 2019
Trump at the border: "Judge Flores, whoever you may be, that decision is a disaster for our country."
— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) April 5, 2019
Jenny Flores was the 15 year-old plaintiff from El Salvador in Flores v. Reno, that determined the standard for how migrant children must be treated in US custody-WHAT AN IDIOT. pic.twitter.com/iisrHnLfJ6
ancient boomer proverb https://t.co/vEbse7FQtT
— Rob Rousseau (@robrousseau) April 5, 2019
This film is called "The Hot Character Who Everyone Thinks Had It Easy Finally Reveals Their Painful Backstory" it cost 40 trillion dollars to make & if it's not abundantly clear, I just started watching Grey's Anatomy & I love the shit out of it thank you goodnight. pic.twitter.com/tUSDmnomxS
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) April 5, 2019
Behold the photo that answers its own question. pic.twitter.com/THB0lT6D0f
— Paul Myers (@pulmyears) April 5, 2019
scientist: dick bug
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) April 5, 2019
other scientist: no
scientist: penis beetle
other scientist: no
scientist: cock roach
other scientist: ok sure
