A demon is coming to kill me, what's at the bottom of the ocean already, settle down Cheese Factory, big decisions by AC/DC, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 9

pic.twitter.com/YTiyJdebsT
— panic🎛🎚 (@panic_hardware) April 9, 2021

imagine u spend years on research only to be called "et al."
— z (@zeeeloooo) April 10, 2021

sorry to my neighbor who stopped having a lot of sex and started listening to a lot of the weeknd
— furby bridgers (@chronicinflame) April 10, 2021

DMX did it all pic.twitter.com/UxEuAQPjvA
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) April 10, 2021

Me and my 5-year-old were freestyling and he said, hexagon, pentagon, Ramadán, Chaka Khan..." 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
— L E F T, PhD ⚫️ (@LeftSentThis) April 10, 2021

I could not imagine losing my fave cousin and my hubby of 73 years at the same time. 😔
— Moderna Mami 💪🏽💉 (@BienSur_JeTaime) April 9, 2021

99 years old. he was a fucking kid.
— big sword🗡 (@helldick420) April 9, 2021

he is shaped like a friend https://t.co/Lq3kU3b4xE
— chloe (@bugdeaIer) April 9, 2021

April 10

Godzilla vs. Kong but it's just a coupla sweet boys lookin for snacks pic.twitter.com/vAX3sttbvT
— Ryan H. Jeepers (@rjameshitchcock) April 10, 2021

will they stop going to space and tell us what's at the bottom of the ocean already
— sydney (@SydneyBattle) April 11, 2021

teachers used to really have beef wit me like bro I'm 10
— Retired Hardguy (@The_Octoberman) April 10, 2021

"Just got vaccinated this summer's about to be lit!" pic.twitter.com/ic98J4yTL8
— Danny Neary (@itsdannyneary) April 11, 2021

is this the shining pic.twitter.com/gbLqKV2YNo
— jobee (two vaccinations) (@milkglutton_) April 10, 2021

You really have to respect the versatility of mint. Good in cocktails, chocolate, with meat, in ice cream, as tea. Just at home in a salad as it is in a cigarette. A whole genre of sweets that are just called "mints". And it's the only mainstream toothpaste flavour. Insane herb.
— Eleanor Margolis (@EleanorMargolis) April 10, 2021

I'm sorry....what kind of store?? pic.twitter.com/oDoj87g3Of
— mariana Z (@mariana057) April 10, 2021

just heard my neighbors having sex and the lady just yelled 'stop! this sucks' lmaoo omggg
— 2Biggie ♈️ (@telly2timess) April 11, 2021

*pregnant wife advised not to fly across the Atlantic in a pandemic https://t.co/1PSgF7prRR
— Glare Huxtable (@radseed) April 11, 2021

April 11

throwback to when i was on the school cum team pic.twitter.com/aEPPO5XH7e
— transsexual menace ($5 OF top 17%) (@femboyfinance) April 11, 2021

"Pay To Cum" - Bad Brains https://t.co/qGxJL8YJ3e
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) April 11, 2021

without yahoo answers how else will i know am i pregant? am i pragnent? am i pargant? am i gregnant? am i pegnate?? help!? is there a possibly that i'm pegrent? am i pregegnant or am i okay? could i be preg
— i praydalor my sodakeep (@almondtiddies) April 12, 2021

girls only want one thing and it's a walkable city with mixed use development
— Anson Yu (@ansonyuu) April 12, 2021

I think therapy made some shitty people worse because it just taught them a vocabulary to hide behind.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) April 11, 2021

me 🤝 remixing my passwords and then forgetting which remix i used
— • (@Nincee2) April 11, 2021

Wow he really was like a son to him https://t.co/u38UkOCuNe
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) April 12, 2021

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

--my 2yo, clear as a bell, in the middle of PetSmart, upon seeing a snake in real life for the first time
— Austin J. Clements (@ClementsAustinJ) April 11, 2021

Nature is healing infrastructure week https://t.co/orRTVdxUFV
— Rhea "RB" Butcher (@RheaButcher) April 11, 2021

Finally got his own room! pic.twitter.com/DfTc6hLrNS
— Michael's Cat (@michaelscat2) April 11, 2021

pic.twitter.com/H4euyEULXI
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) April 11, 2021

April 12

One time I Applied to work as a busboy at Cheesecake Factory they made me take a personality test and 2 IQ type tests and then said I wasn't what the Cheesecake Factory was looking for. It's not the CIA man it's where parents take their kids to tell them they're getting divorced
— joe joegan (@jakebrodes) April 13, 2021

I like being poor cuz anytime I'm in a car that was made after 2015 i feel like I'm in a spaceship
— that's enough, eli (@jazz_inmypants) April 13, 2021

Gatsby addressing ppl as "bestie" instead of "old sport"
— vincent🥂Great Gatsby Comic🥂 (@vincent1vintage) April 13, 2021

my mom used to think LGBT was internet slang for "let's get breakfast together"
— Violet 5G Valentine (@thot_piece) April 12, 2021

ontario residents: is the vaccine available?

ontario government: 😉
— Carly Lewis (@carlylewis) April 12, 2021

April 13

pic.twitter.com/WasuukQo26
— bea (@lavafairys) April 13, 2021

new neighbor moved in, a lady in her 80s. met her two sweet dogs this morning, named.... Houston and Houston. one is pronounced like Houston, TX and the other is pronounced like Houston St. I asked her why and she said, deadpan, "to stir shit up". I live for it
— Adrienne Porter Felt (@__apf__) April 13, 2021

Getting Canadian comedians to donate their prize money to charity might be the most unfair labour practice Amazon has ever been apart of pic.twitter.com/igDuoWeRU5
— Ryan DoubleU (@ryannornot) April 14, 2021

twitter is so crazy because an account made 5 minutes ago could tweet that what does the fox say was speciesist and it would turn into legitimate tl discourse for 48 hours straight
— 🥕 (@vloids) April 13, 2021

Just trying to be more positive 🥺 pic.twitter.com/LPKaZnLeL7
— Magen Cubed, Witch King (@magencubed) April 13, 2021

my kids figured out the password to my wife's computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her pic.twitter.com/dmrSZmTSsV
— michael cruz kayne 🇵🇭 (@CruzKayne) April 13, 2021

the truth comes out pic.twitter.com/xX9jVHgqos
— Cloud Nothings (@cloudnothings) April 14, 2021

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
— half-vacci Nate d ☕️ 🧙‍♂️ (@perlhack) April 13, 2021

When you're frustrated with the COVID vaccine rollout, but don't know who to blame... pic.twitter.com/twrXrEF7BG
— Mackay Taggart (@mackaytaggart) April 13, 2021

{to guy crying outside of Emergency Room} are you thinking about Philip Seymour Hoffman
— Thank You Man God Bless (@Senn_Spud) April 13, 2021

Boob pic.twitter.com/4fiFLGdvcD
— Horrora "Half-Vaxxed" Borealis, ♍︎ (@horroraborealis) April 13, 2021

April 14

This is so crazy pic.twitter.com/SCcPmw7c4m
— Axe🗿 (@bladeeobama) April 14, 2021

Republicans have decided to go to war with baseball. Think about how bat shit crazy a political party has to be to lose the Senate, House and White House and decide the way to come back is to attack baseball. Baseball. Who are these people?
— stuart stevens (@stuartpstevens) April 15, 2021

Somebody used my card on Amazon for $3399 for a fucking LG fridge I can't wait to tell them to hold shipment till I can get to the warehouse so they can stuff me in that same fridge and upon arrival I'm jumping out and beating everybody ass at that address
— Plush Gawd 💋👑 (@I_Be_kOoLz) April 14, 2021

LETS GOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/6YJNTB0UZo
— Gators Daily 🐊 (@GatorsDaily) April 14, 2021

didn't expect the Safeway vaccine faq page to be so insanely horney pic.twitter.com/R65opajRSW
— CHARITYMANDER 🥤🦎 (@slimedaughter) April 15, 2021

I prefer Pfizer's early work (robitussin, xanax)
— Sam (@mkultrahandler) April 15, 2021

I was wondering how he looked so incredible. pic.twitter.com/QZ88ZDdFsX
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 14, 2021

I'm assembling a team pic.twitter.com/h8mjMw6T4L
— Tobias (@zizek_alt) April 15, 2021

i ordered 6 bananas and the instacart guy brought 6 BUNCHES of bananas so now my apartment looks like fuckin donkey kong country
— y'all ready for this (@earthboundPat) April 15, 2021

your straight friend when you come out pic.twitter.com/IlY0slMnId
— Eva Victor (@evavictor) April 14, 2021

A+ exchange here pic.twitter.com/ScV0BzsqbC
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) April 14, 2021

April 15

I wish this was a joke pic.twitter.com/8Rh79vHjn1
— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) April 16, 2021

the bald guy should have some stuff in his way https://t.co/KiO4qGhPXL
— how great is our god dude (@JuliusIrvington) April 15, 2021

why is ACDC deciding this stuff pic.twitter.com/Z4SoDsn1VT
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) April 15, 2021

Alternative headline: "vaccine thought to be 98% effective turns out to be 99.993% effective." https://t.co/vPIjX66ig7
— Patrick Fanelli (@PatFanelli) April 15, 2021

Day 398: while things are going well in the US, we here in Canada make do with the Canadian Tire vaccine....
— Bruce McCulloch (@BrucioMcCulloch) April 15, 2021

pic.twitter.com/rqSqs8NnNj
— trash jones (@jzux) April 15, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 16, 2021

Latest Coverage