I don't have much time, Gilbert Gottfried was sublime, animals don't do crime, married couples who nickel and dime, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 8 

guy at this karaoke bar in a full suit and studded coke white boots just dedicated his song to "the most important first responders in New York" and proceeded to do ghostbusters
— morbius gun kelly (@treswritesstuff) April 9, 2022

the pandemic has now lasted for two Jennifer Lopez engagements
— courtney 🐝 (@merricats) April 9, 2022

pic.twitter.com/Nty8dYjd1P
— Blur (@TiredDoe) April 9, 2022

Parents who stay together for their "children" are NOT doing their children a favor. I promise.
— yaris (@xo_yaris) April 9, 2022

Married couples paying each other back for coffee on Venmo: You good?
— Grey DeLisle (@GreyDeLisle) April 9, 2022

Will Smith got banned from the Oscars for doing a thing I've always wanted to do: physically attack a comedian for just making a reference instead of saying a joke
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) April 9, 2022

April 9

my mom knows Chris Rock I guess pic.twitter.com/y4bQKuSdRo
— *screams into the void* (@alexcollyard) April 9, 2022

As a woman, I feel there are only two medical experiences

"jesus you're dying, why didn't you come in sooner"

and

"why are you wasting our time with this?"

for the same symptoms
— Summer Brennan (@summerbrennan) April 9, 2022

Absolutely wild that the doctor can prescribe you some medicine and then the insurance company can be like, "nah, not feeling it"
— Jesse Thorn 🤷‍♂️ (@JesseThorn) April 10, 2022

I'm a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I've met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
— Jon (@jturnerdds) April 9, 2022

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet…
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) April 9, 2022

6yo couldn't remember the word "tomorrow" so she called it "nexterday" so that's the word now.
— Kathleen Wear a Mask Brough (@kbrough) April 9, 2022

Most used word in Red Hot Chili Peppers interviews: SPIRITUAL

Most used word in Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics: DICK
— Neil Hamburger (@NeilHamburger) April 9, 2022

"there's no word that contains all the vowels in order", I said facetiously
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) April 9, 2022

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying 'good and also catchy'
— caitlin (@_caitlinruth) April 9, 2022

Great my grandma wants to talk about Mitski again pic.twitter.com/qABpPy9uwz
— drew monson (@drewmonson7) April 10, 2022

get yourself a sleepy girl we're too tired to cheat or argue
— lili michelle لیلی (@lilsmichelle) April 9, 2022

Something terrible about to happen to this man pic.twitter.com/pfE0zOPMie
— dan "fleetwood" yak (@DANYaker) April 10, 2022

michael keaton is the only batman who could also play the joker.
— Skoog (@Skoog) April 9, 2022

Having a brother is like there's just some guy walking around with the nuclear codes for making me mad
— Jonas Freakass (@negaversace) April 9, 2022

 
April 10

cannot stop thinking about 42 year old aaron paul playing 17-18 year old jesse pinkman on better call saul this year.
— patrick cotnoir (@patrickcotnoir) April 10, 2022

today was my brother's bday party. we discussed my brother's middle name, Arturo (Arthur in Spanish).

Mom: There was a popular Star Wars character loved in Peru named "Arturito," so we went with that.

Me: WAIT DO YOU MEAN R2D2?!

Dad: Yes, the robot.

WHAT??!!! 🤯😭🤖☠️
— Rachy 🦙 (@rachy_) April 10, 2022

"My husband came home, but I just know it isn't him." pic.twitter.com/6bwSRE7aoR
— nick (@_Annikus_) April 10, 2022

Did MF DOOM actually say that pic.twitter.com/alGsvX5opt
— Kelp‼️ (@ComedyManKelp) April 11, 2022

Whenever I have a bad writing day, I take a peek at Kafka's diary. pic.twitter.com/UYC158Xq1S
— Laila Lalami (@LailaLalami) April 10, 2022

so what do u want us to do? fight? pic.twitter.com/ot2Grpmi0N
— James (@CaucasianJames) April 10, 2022

I hate any movie where an animal is the bad guy. Jaws is a shark. He's hungry, not "up to something"
— Ted Barton (@TedBartonComedy) April 10, 2022

The year was 2011. I was 18. I had practiced asking my dad if I can go on holiday with my friends for weeks now. I finally get the courage and ask. My heart is pounding!!!! He looks at me and then goes "I want you to watch a film called Taken"
— sz (@__sxzhr) April 10, 2022

you let the bedbugs bite????? after i specifically told you not to??
— m'arty (@maddiewazowski) April 10, 2022

My partner said "pass me your phone the cat looks like a stegosaurus" pic.twitter.com/pgd6Qt8ZWH
— Lab Waste (@Milkjelly5) April 10, 2022

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a series of increasingly alarming events we slowly become desensitized to
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) April 11, 2022

Can't believe how expensive being alive is?
— Lauren Harley (@lharley13) April 10, 2022

 
April 11 

pic.twitter.com/9Iy3J8icBi
— 𝐒𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐚🔪 (@tinywienerbabe) April 12, 2022

Somehow fifteen seconds of watching an ad on YouTube feels like seven minutes of sitting at a red light.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 12, 2022

Am I fooling anyone with my 8:03am scheduled emails?
— Dominic J. Bednar, Ph.D., EIT (@GO__DJ) April 11, 2022

if you ever want to try a true twitter ironman challenge, unfollow everyone, pull up a random sportscenter tweet, and follow everyone who replies for a month. i'm not strong enough for this but maybe someone out there is
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) April 12, 2022

pic.twitter.com/t6hM4Cdpel
— 🍪 (@PadresGeekster) April 11, 2022

getting ready to ruin summer pic.twitter.com/fQNKtKTjOM
— 𝑮 ♡ (@highitsg) April 11, 2022

Me & the rest of the people in Toronto who have yet to test positive pic.twitter.com/lKnqRUldgS
— Carson Pinch (@CarsonPinch) April 11, 2022

Your periodic reminder that this was the headline a week ago today but you may not have read it because an actor slapped another actor at an awards show pic.twitter.com/7bs6OV1jZj
— Eric Holthaus (@EricHolthaus) April 11, 2022

I got an unsolicited real estate text, and you know what that means: BIRD FACTS! pic.twitter.com/YN4wAthsVD
— Must-see Birds 🦩🦅🦆🦉 (@MustSeeBirds) April 11, 2022

I've passed by this store that was closed for months, today the metal gate was a little open and I saw inside and it's just full of mayo. 🤷🏻‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/OtpjOEUJoW
— Tanooki Joe (@TanookiKuribo) April 11, 2022

What do you guys want to eat I've got bacardi and jurassic park on snes pic.twitter.com/z16caCb8HX
— Kevin Lieber (@kevinlieber) April 11, 2022

April 12

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say "Lefty loosey, righty tighty." I know we're in good hands.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 12, 2022

everyone should talk about their work fuckups the way cops do

"an email was misfired resulting in a client-involved misunderstanding"
— j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster) April 12, 2022

Pilot (to my 5-year-old daughter a few days ago): Do you know you could be a flight attendant when you grow up?

5: I could also own the plane.
— Rebecca Papin (@RebeccaPapin) April 13, 2022

Visiting home and my dad just walked to the dinner table wearing this shirt. None of us have kids. When asked about it I was told "it's a suggestion". pic.twitter.com/0aKvOPjhTg
— Tovah Silbermann (@Milbermann) April 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/sc6yFj0qZz
— Mayor Howard Vander (@vander_iam) April 12, 2022

rest in peace to Gilbert Gottfried who has probably the best sequence in game show history on Hollywood Squares. if you're not an old hag like me who remembers the rules, both contestants needed his square to secure the 5-square win, but he decided to troll both of them pic.twitter.com/Egzyzygudd
— manny (@mannyfidel) April 12, 2022

This time was the closest humanity ever came to world peace https://t.co/Uvx96aGwCh
— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) April 13, 2022

How many British politicians have hair like this??!?!? What is going on over there?? https://t.co/GYcxtHgjdQ
— tara (@proletarat) April 12, 2022

My daughter just asked me how to spell squirrel. I found out that she was writing a book. Now she's grounded for 12 years. pic.twitter.com/6v43XyDIXR
— Adam J. Tonge (@ajtonge40) April 13, 2022

April 13

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can't stop laughing.
— Elisa Stone Leahy (@ElisaStoneLeahy) April 13, 2022

Analysis | How come we didn't see this latest wave coming?
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) April 13, 2022

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat's name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
— Brittany Means (@BrittanyMeansIt) April 13, 2022

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) April 13, 2022

Gonna show this to a baby and watch them have an existential crisis pic.twitter.com/Y3B08OhRiO
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) April 13, 2022

Ridicule them. Use jokes. Ridicule their fans. Don't be afraid. Alice gets it! https://t.co/8W3bgocFEG
— JEN KIRKMAN (@JenKirkman) April 14, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 14, 2022

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