Due to the unfortunate, famous off some bullshit, billionaires should visit, too hot for Brits, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 30

when I desperately want someone to taste the coffee I made https://t.co/6mMl2qdV67
— Venus (@tropicsofvenus) August 31, 2024

no one has ever gotten a good night's sleep in this get up. you're looking at a 3 ghost minimum https://t.co/z53mxdNhqb
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) August 30, 2024

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
— Dx: Moonstruck (@moonstruckinnyc) August 30, 2024

learning that twitter is getting shut down because political disinformation is illegal in brazil makes this so much funnier pic.twitter.com/QV9jmsARir
— brandon* (@brndxix) August 30, 2024

If twitter is banned in brazil how will the world learn about the new, increasingly stupid ways Jair Bolsonaro ends up in the hospital.
— Joe Kassabian (@JoeKassabian) August 30, 2024

This is heartbreaking pic.twitter.com/lHCC39U6s8
— Liv (@Liv_Agar) August 31, 2024

my wedding day:

me: "i do"

guests: "awww"

me: "or do i?👀"

guests: OOOOooo
— Aro!! (@Sloppy_McNuts) August 30, 2024

The dollar store is saying that their customer base doesn't have enough money pic.twitter.com/MpEp73GhTO
— Bryce Greene (@TheGreeneBJ) August 30, 2024

A woman in Arizona died in her office cubicle and wasn't discovered for 4 days. If that's not all the proof you need to not dedicate your life to a job that literally doesn't care if you're alive or dead, I don't know what else you need
— Brunette Bohemian (@Jane_Doe82) August 31, 2024

I actually believe he did this https://t.co/jjhiI1Hk6i
— j aubrey 🤠 (@jaubreyYT) August 31, 2024

🎶Generals gathered in their masses https://t.co/A66XJJzPzA
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) August 30, 2024

Increase the funding of CBC if they're gonna produce this level of comedy 🤣🔥🔥
pic.twitter.com/yYammxXJfQ
— Ryan Lindley (@ryanlindley) August 31, 2024

Leaving work one night I saw Glenn Close walking her two dogs and I said, "Only 99 more!" And she made a really angry face at me. https://t.co/jZIv2d56QA
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) August 30, 2024

This headline makes it sound like Kamala doesn't want to admit to being Batman. pic.twitter.com/niMdJ5VzO8
— Rebekah, Crone for Kamala 🪷 🇺🇸 (@RebekahWriter) August 31, 2024

due to the unfortunate!

we are deeply out of ONIONS! pic.twitter.com/USAH7bbFic
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) August 31, 2024

August 31

Jack was low key the villain of The Shining in my opinion https://t.co/FMIjC7B2mO
— bernard obrien (@benfobrien) August 31, 2024

jay z feature on monster https://t.co/UXzHhZHf7e
— gale na (@poisonjr) August 31, 2024

"Baby Gronk dropped a diss track on the Rizzler and the Costco Guys"

You bolt awake in the mountains of Carthage. It is 217 BC. You are the general Hannibal. The future cannot come to pass. Rome must burn. https://t.co/5gNmGsGeXW
— Joshua Rush (@JoshuaRush) September 1, 2024

3 years and 4 seasons., that's the kind of TV math we like. https://t.co/HpHanXKZh5
— Pete 🏳️‍🌈 (@PeteAscolese) August 31, 2024

Matt Damon used to drive from Boston to LA every time he and Ben Affleck had an audition because Ben was afraid of flying https://t.co/5byYYQgve6
— phoenix 💥🪽 (@phxforced) August 31, 2024

There's something affirming about how even celebrity and wealth can't protect you from posting through it https://t.co/xzyDTqX5ya
— Emily Niksefat (@emilygmonster) September 1, 2024

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
— Breakfast Presley (@Elmo_Oxygen) August 31, 2024

Nick Saban ready to quit already lmaoooo pic.twitter.com/idPNYdp5E5
— Hater Report (@HaterReport_) August 31, 2024

The best part of REAGAN was when this guy showed up for the first time, and a million year old lady two rows down from me said to her friend loud enough for the entire theater to hear "THATS GORBECHEV" pic.twitter.com/uDRaaie8Yh
— Vince Mancini (@VinceMancini) August 31, 2024

A lady dropped an AirTag in her recycling bin to find out that Houston has collected 250 tons of plastic since 2022 and not recycled any of it. pic.twitter.com/j5gWw4SCZ4
— Mitchell Baldridge (@baldridgecpa) August 31, 2024

At the age where if I see a chair, I'm sitting
— Noor (@noorrzainab) August 31, 2024

me and the girls all got oasis tickets so we can hear wonderwall live 😍 do they have any other big songs we should listen to before we go x
— debbs 🇵🇸 (@debbsboyd) August 31, 2024

on the ticketmaster website, not even buying anything just making the queue even longer for you all.
— jake (@C0LDREACT0R) August 31, 2024

The Ticketmaster website right now pic.twitter.com/P001bKdCod
— Oasis Mania (@OasisMania) August 31, 2024

Twitter Heritage pic.twitter.com/ymEOoa7xEU
— David 🇬🇧 (@1872David_) August 31, 2024

person I'm dating said they've never heard of The Strokes. I played "Last Nite" for them and said you must have heard this before and they said "where do you think I would I hear a song like this?"
— 🌘🔥 𝕭𝖗𝖆𝖉 𝕮𝖆𝖘𝖊𝖞 🔥🌒 (@bradcasey4evr) August 31, 2024

I love when someone is like "I'm funny because I have trauma and it's a coping mechanisms" and it's like ok not to add to your trauma, but you're not funny
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) September 1, 2024

ain't even CLOSE https://t.co/NXb1HdXW4u pic.twitter.com/Q35gkOcewj
— vm ❊ (@tentwentysixpm) September 1, 2024

September 1

Me: what a nice weekend. I'm in such a good mood. Time to fly home

TSA agent: well if it isn't the dumbest and ugliest bitch in the world
— ALJ Dredd (@UnionSaltBae) September 2, 2024

as kids we were taught that taking anything from the mini bar would bring financial ruin upon our family
— Marlow Stern (@MarlowNYC) September 1, 2024

I'm sorry they banned what? pic.twitter.com/OefJYZ22aI
— evan loves worf (@esjesjesj) September 1, 2024

For the first time since 1945? Since 1945. Since 1945. In Germany. https://t.co/2gcXdzOn8k pic.twitter.com/1EAhuuLr7X
— Caroline Renard (@carolinerenard_) September 2, 2024

https://t.co/DE3HoX9Sd5 pic.twitter.com/XZpZunOgfw
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 1, 2024

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We're excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) September 1, 2024

There's also the multi-episode arc in House MD in which Lin-Manuel Miranda plays house's friend from a mental hospital who freestyle raps all the time https://t.co/il0iTfvd4c
— noam chompers (@NoamChompers) September 1, 2024

JD Vance every week in a resurfaced interview clip pic.twitter.com/IewpqTuqLu
— online guy jon butter (@thejonbutter) September 1, 2024

It was called PRETTY WOMAN not INTERESTING MAN!!! https://t.co/8axIyCP6PR
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) September 1, 2024

It gets lonely being the only guy still clapping for essential workers at 7 pm every day
— ❥ 𝑪𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒆 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑭𝒂𝒏𝒔 ❥ ◡̈ (@tonyhawktruther) September 1, 2024

A teacher friend has informed me that a teacher FB group is lighting up on a post about a parent donating an air purifier because they remove *Bath and Body Works/AXE/other middle essence body sprays* and vape smells. It's got thousands of likes and the teachers all want one 👀👀
— Amanda Hu (@amandalhu) September 1, 2024

As a child, stickers were such an important part of my life. SHOCKED that adulthood has almost ZERO STICKERS.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) September 1, 2024

Are you telling me a cis teen painted this chapel
— She-Rage, Princess of Pain (@ClaireMax) September 2, 2024

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
— gale na (@poisonjr) September 1, 2024

i actually cured my hypochondria by not having health insurance my brain was like we cant afford to have that disease actually.....
— Rat Mic 𖤐 (@sliccmic) September 1, 2024

September 2

"Ozempic only works while you're on it! Once you go off you'll be fat again!" As opposed to diet and exercise, which you only have to do once.
— Shadow Of The Nerdtree (@agraybee) September 3, 2024

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don't want one
— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) September 2, 2024

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume - I tried to move a picture in Word
— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) September 2, 2024

We didn't. Employers got scared they were losing control. Commercial real estate was buckling. The economy around commuting was crumbling and they were losing too much money. https://t.co/cyI0q3LcPx
— Mrs High Brow… call me your highness (@tamaracharese) September 2, 2024

if the plane can't go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) September 2, 2024

Weird how "dynamic pricing" never seems to mean you can get gig tickets for a fiver if they're not selling well
— pickwick (@pickwick) September 2, 2024

Not the worst thing to happen to Franz Ferdinand in a car https://t.co/NXGZ4HkWv7
— Eugene (@eugeneh84) September 2, 2024

no territory has been more charted but ok pic.twitter.com/BNGu6IhH26
— Farah-Silvana Kanaan (@farahkanaan) September 2, 2024

I just saved Lara Trump's new single. You're welcome. pic.twitter.com/jc1NmW9Ava
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) September 2, 2024

This is 79 degrees Fahrenheit. I don't understand how Brits ever colonized India https://t.co/oJ40QpZkF3
— Robert Kroese (@robkroese) September 2, 2024

pic.twitter.com/GP0Z1RGA6t
— Deacon Blues (#Steely Dan #Aja) (@DeaconBlues0) September 2, 2024

For reasons I don't understand, my TikTok was permanently banned. Hopefully @tiktok_us will review it because I don't think I violated any rules unless JD Vance's feelings were too hurt by this: https://t.co/e4ybSmWqtO
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) September 2, 2024

How breaking bad would have ended if Hank took a piss instead of a shit https://t.co/LTc0kqQqm9
— AdamThaSportFan (61-101) (0-17) (46-36) (@AdamThaSportFan) September 2, 2024

rian johnson makes all the worst star wars dipshits blood curdle just by saying his name and he uses netflix as a personal atm while making detective foghorn leghorn movies with daniel craig. I could not respect him more if I tried. https://t.co/GhLJAsEKD3
— one dozen rats at a keyboard (@PanasonicDX4500) September 2, 2024

Nobody will ever defeat the @MrEmilyHeller purse gag. https://t.co/xiWrJDtplp pic.twitter.com/XuSdRSwYcA
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 2, 2024

#imwithhim https://t.co/CLbkEPk8Lh
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) September 2, 2024

This older man came thru work today and ordered his wife a latte.. I asked him hot or iced, and he paused.. "give me both and I'll drink the one she doesn't want…"

And that's on 43 years of marriage.

Well played, Sir.
— Jen (@brokemycoccyx) September 2, 2024

September 3

it took 15 years but my dark wish came true at last https://t.co/rlDbdqFYTB pic.twitter.com/XIK7yvji2E
— Bob Mackey (@bobservo) September 4, 2024

seeing my girl lost in a corn maze would give me the ick. my wife would never get befuddled by grain
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) September 3, 2024

We have, for too long, shackled the bakery to the morning. Night bakeries. Fresh croissants at 11pm. It is possible.
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) September 4, 2024

Should the Pulitzer board establish a category for Best Tweet Of 2024, the contest could be called tonight. pic.twitter.com/pyM3fxeUnj
— Bill Grueskin (@BGrueskin) September 4, 2024

i know every word separately, but somehow together.... https://t.co/1CRptdBzD8
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) September 3, 2024

"Brat summer officially over, declares Charli XCX" https://t.co/CqVH370pUg pic.twitter.com/VoZu0GJz36
— John Rain 🥇 (@ItsJohnRain) September 3, 2024

No hate to Post but like this tweet if you have never heard this song https://t.co/MLJrT8NVYQ
— willnights 🤍 (@willnights1) September 3, 2024

"Not Like Us" and that 5 million it sold must have came out in a different summer that I'm not aware of https://t.co/eDWchI1Kkb
— Eddie Francis (@yourboyeddie) September 3, 2024

In 5th grade (c. 2003) I met a kid my age who said he refused to stand for the pledge of allegiance in protest of the Iraq War and it literally rewired my brain. I hope he's well. https://t.co/D5Bgh3eOEL
— KUBARK stare 🇵🇸🔻🪂 (@postcyborg) September 3, 2024

"no one was autistic in the 80s" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO https://t.co/5fXANnOibG pic.twitter.com/WNCpluvFTY
— layne 🏳️‍⚧️ team future... (@ink0wright) September 3, 2024

My favorite part of Cancel Culture is when canceled celebrities get their own streaming specials where they get paid millions to complain about being cancelled and out of work https://t.co/giLEqFK4lx
— Gay and Tired 🥥 🌴 🇵🇸 (@GayChemist) September 3, 2024

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
— saddy mayonnaise (@saddymayo) September 3, 2024

Is it shocking? It's been underwater for 112 years. What's it meant to do, put in bifolds and a kitchen island to keep up? https://t.co/1FOdxAnDL0
— Sarah (@SarahDuggers) September 3, 2024

That's horrible, billionaires should make every effort to visit the Titanic before it's gone for good! https://t.co/9za3PHHr9P
— ☠️ Lilith Lovett ☠️ - Famous Minority (@LilithLovett) September 4, 2024

I finally did it, I asked a man on the tube who was watching football out loud on his phone "got any headphones mate?" AND HE IMMEDIATELY APOLOGISED AND MUTED IT - I am the dragon I am the ball I am the z
— Natasha Hodgson (@NatashaHodgson) September 3, 2024

pic.twitter.com/FddFJdg8Jn
— paige - slow horses watcher (@BonerWizard) September 4, 2024

Probably a better way to combine the words "portable" and "monitor" pic.twitter.com/9F6My585Qi
— Sarah York (@thesarahyork) September 3, 2024

hawk tuah is in south korea today speaking at a blockchain conference. what kinda willy wonka world am i currently living in
— scoob (@MostCrucified) September 3, 2024

How I feel going to work for the rest of my life knowing this mf got rich and famous for making a bj joke https://t.co/JERqUnyR8R pic.twitter.com/8G63TYpo55
— Ellen Ripley🇵🇸 (@DeaditeBeerus) September 4, 2024

if i were a baseball player. id make it very clear that i was going to kill myslef if anyone ever hit a homerun on me. id be very vocal about it. lets see if my opponents have the gall to kill an honest man
— paddle (@ipaddlearound) September 3, 2024

September 4

Look what the glacier water did to Luda!!! https://t.co/xpR6SbgiX0
— A Jason Tabrys (@jtabrys) September 5, 2024

the only thing about the clown panic that's important to me is that it gave us this: https://t.co/q17n6HC1ET pic.twitter.com/a21LXMDnNl
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) September 5, 2024

I'm crying 😂😭 pic.twitter.com/qUl0A5qBWb
— 𝐂𝐡𝐢oma (@iamchiomaa_) September 4, 2024

Do something that scares you every day.
If you do that, then each day, little by little, you will be scared. Every day will be scary, and your life will be very scary. 💫
— Dave (@iridescentaudio) September 4, 2024

It can't be *that* boring. https://t.co/o3BKOH44Bl
— Andrew Mueller (@andrew_mueller) September 4, 2024

a heist movie that takes place during a 17 minute standing ovation at cannes
— Karli Marulli (@karlimarulli) September 4, 2024

how many killers are in that building omg https://t.co/uH4NiQGznH
— CM (@conormurrayTM) September 4, 2024

https://t.co/k2WQv22yF7 pic.twitter.com/LSfbRmWkYg
— Ro 🍉 (@MeanLesbianPhD) September 5, 2024

incredible google review i just found pic.twitter.com/Xv2WYZfado
— sam smart (@uglyblender) September 5, 2024

It was so worth it pic.twitter.com/f5ytFzeUrt
— Jordan Howlett (@J_the_stallion8) September 5, 2024

i no longer dislike mondays, i'm mature now, i dislike the whole week
— ً (@soidoona) September 4, 2024

i really think that reporters at press conferences need to start responding to right wing politicians with a simple "what the fuck are you talking about"
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) September 5, 2024

MY MOM WAS RIGHT!!????? LMFAOOOOOO https://t.co/BqMDVyKxua
— Jakeneutron (@TheJakeneutron) September 4, 2024

I was joking… https://t.co/QwVtD3CgJy pic.twitter.com/ah7gxfLMP6
— Skallywag☠️🏴‍☠️(#recastdoom) (@Skallywag_alt) September 4, 2024

can't lie if i got famous off of some complete bullshit I'd milk it as long as possible too. I hate working bruh https://t.co/a6BmXi5B8i
— 🦑 (@tmzette) September 4, 2024

I think we are watching katy perry in a horror movie where she's trapped in 2016 and can't get out https://t.co/aKt91virqZ
— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) September 5, 2024

Lou Reed & his trans girlfriend Rachel Humphreys in the mid 70s https://t.co/vjDtQ7Iiv0 pic.twitter.com/1PfuAEMrnX
— dylan 🍉 (@DylanTweetin) September 4, 2024

Not 183 year old tea!!! https://t.co/jfnKhyowCO
— Thicki Lake ♓️🪬 (@ShyThugg) September 5, 2024

the er waiting room should have a corner with some tools where you can take a stab at it first
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) September 4, 2024

Tenacious D died for this https://t.co/ilXsKxXDZw
— kate bush's husband (@airbagged) September 4, 2024

i think as a society we need to accept that Jack Black is a Chris Pratt now
— nat. (@its_natclayton) September 4, 2024

pic.twitter.com/ngnB9FsPAv
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) September 5, 2024

September 5

i love it when i stump the IT guy. aha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but alas, i have fucked things up more than you could've imagined
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 5, 2024

ngl i doubt either of them could fix my computer https://t.co/U1gvW1qmxY
— kate (@sensualitay) September 5, 2024

DID YALL JUST TELL THE WORLD THIS MAN HAS CHLAMYDIA?!???? https://t.co/J0PfIjBtY9
— Queen LaDeefa, JD (@It_Aint__ME) September 5, 2024

this site is so cooked lol pic.twitter.com/MXqCebC0n6
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) September 5, 2024

Q: What specific legislation will you commit to to make child care affordable?

Trump: Well, I would do that and we're sitting down, you know, I was, somebody, we had Marco Rubio and my daughter, Ivanka… But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I'm talking about… pic.twitter.com/v8gqLUHS2v
— Kamala HQ (@KamalaHQ) September 5, 2024

"Ask grandma to watch them for free" is not policy. https://t.co/fVrBqHbQdZ
— Chasten Glezman Buttigieg (@Chasten) September 5, 2024

🚨Pause!

Say what now! This wasn't a slip.. pic.twitter.com/Qw8jNTQvZ1
— JustVent (@JustVent6) September 5, 2024

The fact that the only one he got "wrong" was bush vs gore just tells me his predictions have actually has been correct every time lol https://t.co/6Z1Z3Jdb3X
— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) September 5, 2024

That's literally what the law is there for are you stupidddddddd pic.twitter.com/hx32c8xAdw
— Phil Ochs stan account %FEMALE NAME (@Smutteh) September 5, 2024

I'm really proud of the hawk tuah girl, getting this much mileage out of being funny one time is normally a male dominated field
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) September 5, 2024

Why can't I go to the website of the company Toyota and order a car. Why must I go to the local Honest Jim's Horseshit Emporium and Haberdashery and waste 3 hours of my time
— Political Science B.A. (@InternetHippo) September 5, 2024

Fascinated by this TikTok of a woman who ordered a "croissant lamp" of temu and was surprised it had ants crawling all over it on a hot day only to realise it was a real croissant that had been hollowed out and covered in resin pic.twitter.com/OCjTIP2WOr
— proton (@ProtonInspector) September 5, 2024

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 5, 2024

I will never stop laughing at this pic.twitter.com/dvNOF8z9Yn
— Vitt (@vitt2tsnoc) September 5, 2024

Every time Michael Keaton was on the Late Show, I had a clip of he and Dave dancing on Mary Tyler Moore's variety show loaded up, but Dave never showed it because he was too mortified. Finally, right before the Late Show ended in 2015, it happened. pic.twitter.com/1fWIXOKwM1
— Nick Prueher (@nickprueher) September 5, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 6, 2024

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