Have you dead, I'm the son of a crackhead, say perhaps instead, if the smoke is blue, yellow, and red, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 27

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said "that's because of us isn't it?"
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 27, 2024

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
— frankie (@FrankieGPhD) September 28, 2024

rip to the real queen of England pic.twitter.com/kc6zzF9zwd
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) September 27, 2024

Sad to think that an entire generation of great British actors will primarily be remembered for playing bits in Harry Potter films.
— Dave Kehr (@dave_kehr) September 27, 2024

Me: "When's your birthday"
Him: "here you go with that zodiac sign stuff"

Actually I just wanna check the court websites
— Hustlanani (@hustlanani) September 28, 2024

.@NYTimes prints a story about Republicans softening their images by appearing with their wives and, in it, features a GOP candidate posing with someone else's wife and kids.

The story should be that this Republican is lying about having a wife and kids but… NYT… pic.twitter.com/Zz588gRMzq
— Janet Johnson (@JJohnsonLaw) September 27, 2024

Chappell Roan lately https://t.co/BJV3EWEm2z pic.twitter.com/HbvcIdnZ1q
— Delfi -3 (@delfihtl) September 27, 2024

chappell roan was a lotta people's new favorite parasocial cuddly toy and then she went "hey I'm a person give me some space and also here are my extremely reasonable political opinions" and some of the Can't Make a Phone Call Squad are really struggling with that
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) September 27, 2024

Not to brag but, I ACTUALLY found a raspberry beret at the second hand store.
— KoKeni Snap'sSquatch (@Saskquatchewan) September 27, 2024

Is any of it going to fit him? https://t.co/VvUXQwN2aw
— Sarah (@SarahDuggers) September 27, 2024

i hate how fast this app refreshes like bitch i was reading that
— ⛧ (@wydbanx) September 27, 2024

One of the worst teenage experiences is being in a car with a white boy when a rap song comes on and then he starts driving fast as fuck. Like slow down Bernard
— eliza (@elizamclamb) September 27, 2024

The duality of man pic.twitter.com/eNJaaqwKMM
— ultramarathon running thanker 🍉 (@christweetsllc) September 27, 2024

I have a working theory that Ellen DeGeneres is using the substance to become Jojo Siwa
— Crawford M Horton (@broiledcrawfish) September 28, 2024

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
— inhiding (@kvrcnnn) September 28, 2024

This seems fair pic.twitter.com/THtLdmm7me
— GBR, LLC (@GayBearRes) September 27, 2024

No, sir, I'm afraid that was all you. https://t.co/XEGZDndQF9
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) September 27, 2024

notice how he's still on the bench https://t.co/DDhMKVVh0U
— Rob (@wrobbee) September 27, 2024

The NBA has such a knack for going from radio silence to complete chaos in the blink of an eye lol https://t.co/QGo319OhvF
— Jason Timpf (@_JasonLT) September 28, 2024

September 28

Welcome to New York, Karl. pic.twitter.com/gUctYyriGq
— Tony Vegas (@tonypayments) September 28, 2024

I've been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) September 28, 2024

say perhaps to drugs
— disco lines (@discolines) September 28, 2024

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: "Follow that car!" like I'm in a movie. The drivers never think it's funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that's showbiz baby.
— Quarantined Anders (@andersjazz) September 29, 2024

Remember when Rihanna went on SNL and we ended up getting this iconic song pic.twitter.com/gVTMV7q6VF
— ۟ (@headnavy) September 28, 2024

I love Joanna Newsom but the guy behind The Lonely Island and Hot Rod is at least equivalent in talent https://t.co/g9IYc65mJx
— Mr. Chau (@Srirachachau) September 28, 2024

In 2022 we were told this was the future https://t.co/yqjTpfCs9L pic.twitter.com/vBIGfbzJr8
— Becca Lewis (@beccalew) September 28, 2024

I am off "The bathroom" . No more going there, for me
— "Wabe" (@dril) September 28, 2024

do men Sneeze Like That for attention
— mary tyler less (@islandinmymind) September 28, 2024

just thought of norm macdonald's bit after the release of dirty work: "people said it failed—how could it have failed? it made A MILLION dollars!" https://t.co/MFdXtpV6d5
— robert franco, wandering ronin (@responsiblerob) September 29, 2024

i read a lot of reviews calling this movie "unwatchable" and "bewildering" and "a stunning disappointment" and all that's done is draw me into her web. i have to see. pic.twitter.com/yg3bbKa30v
— molly conger (@socialistdogmom) September 28, 2024

netflix has the worst movies bro no wonder mfs just start f*cking😭
— Redd (@ReddCinema) September 28, 2024

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
— MadScientist (@MadS100tist) September 29, 2024

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn't get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
— brosaleigh (@brosaleigh) September 28, 2024

Omg Pride and Prejudice. https://t.co/fLPyMT2t3X
— AskAubry 🦝 (@ask_aubry) September 28, 2024

If you stop breaking the law, we promise to stop suing you for breaking the law. https://t.co/y4JxqpM9Ot
— Marc E. Elias (@marceelias) September 28, 2024

Florida's biggest problem is climate change but desantis convinced them it was drag queens and books.
— Covie (@covie_93) September 28, 2024

Why do you need an alternative to trees https://t.co/PvPKkW2jzC
— ✴𝓥𝖔𝖎𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖘✴ (𝕮𝖍𝖊𝖈𝖐 𝕻𝖎𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖉) (@VoithontasPol) September 28, 2024

Imagine being the guy caught under 47 metric tons of mud on your dying breaths knowing that at any moment you can take your last breath and the guys in charge of saving you are playing origami with a piece of feel good cloth https://t.co/oaPFmIHKrN
— Jose G. 🇲🇽 🇵🇸 (@marty_freudman) September 29, 2024

"Well they shouldn't live in a hurricane zone"

My brother in cheez-its, all other issues aside, *everywhere* is now a hurricane zone.
— sheologian (@sheologian) September 28, 2024

Just another case of why not everything needs to have a computer built into it. https://t.co/vsSEpK1C5C
— Ben (@MrGoodlyCooks) September 29, 2024

Media pundits: the problem with climate change is it's too slow moving and remote for people to feel it's impacting their lives.
Climate change: pic.twitter.com/4txcHBz4eP
— Dave Vetter (@davidrvetter) September 28, 2024

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went "throat goat???"
— sophia (@pastoralcomical) September 28, 2024

I have a theory that I must have died during the start of the pandemic when I was working on the frontlines and now this is just hell
— Dr Claudia William MD MScHAL🎃🧙🏾‍♀️ (@DrWilliamMD) September 28, 2024

I bring a sort of "why do we do it this way" vibe to the work place that most don't like
— plzhelpme (@RiscoKerm) September 28, 2024

This is literally capitalism https://t.co/qxmo8sbG7P
— SEAN ORR (@seanorr) September 29, 2024

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket? pic.twitter.com/JIrubbrlfZ
— me again (@quinncoherent) September 29, 2024

September 29

Bowen took a mental health break from his podcast last year while having a severe dissociative episode. He's providing cultural commentary about how people are treating Chappell like a literal zoo animal, not making fun of her. Bowen Yang they could never make me hate you! https://t.co/06KmzJJmde pic.twitter.com/fWG0pGTyiq
— jen (@rocketharrys) September 29, 2024

oh god pic.twitter.com/WfDZnng4Iw
— matt (@computer_gay) September 29, 2024

Menards rebates are 11%. My culture is not a costume https://t.co/cnUbPNKaxM
— Kelsey Heck Wood (she/her) (@klheck22) September 29, 2024

british people actually ate with "you lot"
— meera (@twilightlustt) September 30, 2024

Science has enough bodies I'm donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) September 29, 2024

godspeed you black emperor scene report; pic.twitter.com/I3b7GQArZX
— Fritz Pape (@fritzpape) September 29, 2024

pic.twitter.com/n7DPTksbew
— Deonandan (@deonandan) September 29, 2024

what does that even mean https://t.co/WkzuLOratF
— bill subaru (@eagleman42069) September 29, 2024

Obsessed with the man in the suit who knows how to hold crabs in exactly the way that makes it impossible for them to pinch him.

Who are you, sir……what is your story……… https://t.co/niPhoHwnpx
— Kayla Ancrum ✨on Deadline✨ (@KaylaAncrum) September 29, 2024

Cops when people are starving after a natural disaster https://t.co/1sZNdr9SXT pic.twitter.com/Im5svPFj4A
— 679 Enthusiast (@marionumber4) September 30, 2024

Not gentle reminder, if you are taking food, water medicine, and survival supplies, that's not looting, it is choosing not to die, and it is fine actually.
— D is definitely tired, maybe baking (she/her) (@grrlintersect) September 29, 2024

bears sensing a biblical scale flood and climbing a 50 foot tree is some real end of times shit. an ominous portent. this should make you deeply uneasy https://t.co/iOM2FJHMuw
— doomer (@uncledoomer) September 30, 2024

any smoke is bad but you really don't want it in the primary colors https://t.co/TQI1lNMpmR
— Archer wants #ceasefireforgaza🐀🚩𓅙 (@battlehateharm) September 30, 2024

one of the most annoying tweet formats. yeah we need our top scholars to figure out how a guy with exactly two memorable credits to his name ended up having stupid opinions https://t.co/D0zYarYwH8
— Matthew Ferrari (@MatthewFerrari) September 29, 2024

Rip pic.twitter.com/DcuflX2mc7
— Kevin Mullet (@KevMagnet) September 29, 2024

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this. pic.twitter.com/6YFmvoTDQV
— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 (@SundaeDivine) September 30, 2024

"if you hate elon so much then why are you still here" BECAUSE I WAS HERE FIRST. WHY SHOULD I LEAVE. HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS
— panken - tumblr: /pankendev (@pankendev) September 30, 2024

the fucking purge? https://t.co/1fOrx1tRzU
— Jung Kirk (@peachiikoo) September 29, 2024

I've never finished a film and *immediately* thought what will I watch now? I loathe how streaming services won't let you just sit with the ending and the music and credits and reflect on what you just watched, they're just always ramming the next 'content' down your throat.
— Liz Slade (@lizslayed) September 29, 2024

? https://t.co/Li08YHgKSb pic.twitter.com/aihK7xXMcq
— owen (@transientheory) September 29, 2024

September 30

good taste can only be developed as a result of early access to the internet and childhood neglect
— bee ✧⋆ (@apiculaee) September 30, 2024

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
— Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould) September 30, 2024

top 10 funniest acting choices ever made. here, ms. kidman is searching for a clue that might help her find her missing child. and for a brief second, she chooses to look around this dark room w a pair of binoculars, almost as if to say, what are binoculars and how do they work pic.twitter.com/A7dvBtrjs4
— Daniel Liu (@danieldayliuis) October 1, 2024

This is probably the best "sorry just now seeing this" I've ever seen. https://t.co/rofFiFb99a
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) September 30, 2024

feel like i can get some mileage out of this one https://t.co/NU5aP5QeQl pic.twitter.com/dqqRMRJTaU
— i hate you joe biden (@sonyashea3) September 30, 2024

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u'd just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
— lucyfree 🦋 (@_lucyfree) October 1, 2024

https://t.co/X9sdyJoJLv pic.twitter.com/kbtV4PS7lw
— Mena Subaru (@andyateacrayon) October 1, 2024

no not rats having better access to reproductive healthcare than most women https://t.co/3NB2iJ1mZt
— em (@emilyagain) September 30, 2024

feeling emo as HELL at this picture of Tony Hawk holding & staring lovingly at his grandson who is also Kurt Cobain's grandson 💞💞💞 https://t.co/p22xVKMd48 pic.twitter.com/BC37lpyfYc
— genevieve 💕 (@genevieveew) September 30, 2024

close enough, welcome back Jesus Christ https://t.co/38mtBpwRol
— signs (@doxie_gay) September 30, 2024

Ronin Walker Cobain Hawk sounds like the name of the first American to shoot a Martian
— Dan Schkade (@DanSchkade) October 1, 2024

at my big age i should know better than to ask a man two questions in an email when i need both of them answered
— Maria (@mlstrat) September 30, 2024

he said "i started watching women's basketball bc of you" n she hit the jim halpert. https://t.co/s3Ox27YTpR
— trafalgar $lan. (@Alan_sbg) September 30, 2024

My hot pocket looking at me in the microwave at 2:45 AM https://t.co/2KNBwyOyrD
— Blazers Palace (@blazers_palace) September 30, 2024

Pete Rose was banned for life for betting on baseball. EVERY SPORTS SHOW covering his death is sponsored by a Gambling site. This is the dumbest time there's ever been to be alive.
— Jimmy Failla (@jimmyfailla) October 1, 2024

Numbers going into October pic.twitter.com/61Yq1V5VH3
— Gustavo Roque (@RoqueRecords69) October 1, 2024

The immediate cost of 9/11 was around 35 billion dollars. This is how much Elon lost with Twitter. He did a business 9/11. https://t.co/BRS4Vkks1C
— evan loves worf (@esjesjesj) September 30, 2024

Wtf why did he unfollow Kendrick? Did something happen https://t.co/lXQb1vvtkL
— nopeify (@nopeify) October 1, 2024

How come trump didn't make America great again the first time he was president?
— Luke Zaleski (@ZaleskiLuke) September 30, 2024

Breaking News: I did not go to my husband's workplace today to cheer him on. Despite this stunning lack of support, we are still together. Thank you for respecting our privacy at this time https://t.co/kwgQnmbZyj
— ✨️Paige✨️ (@bejeweledpaige) September 30, 2024

"Nothing beats in-person interaction". Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) September 30, 2024

Thinking about when I left my wallet on a Chicago bus. A guy found it, found my number, and called me. I drove to his house somewhere near Stony Island and he was in the front yard BBQing. When I walked up he handed me 1. My wallet 2. A hot dog 3. A homemade brownie.
— microplastics obliterator (@DiabolicalSpuds) September 30, 2024

"don't use q-tips to clean your ears, you'll just push the wax in further!!" well, yeah, sure, except for my special technique. if I use my special technique then it's fine.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) September 30, 2024

don't be a part of the problem, be the whole problem
— Aparna Nancherla 🇵🇸 (@aparnapkin) September 30, 2024

I can't believe this made me laugh I'm so ashamed pic.twitter.com/Ah2vvj2CMY
— Sethsfilmreviews (@sethsfilmreview) September 30, 2024

The Onion getting bought by people that give a shit and bringing back the paper edition and ONN is such a great story and really goes to show that private equity ruining everything we love is not an inevitability. https://t.co/HcDnQJ765I
— Jane (@JaneOst_) September 30, 2024

No idea how anyone vaguely informed about current events can be functioning normally rn
— jon ben-menachem (@jbenmenachem) October 1, 2024

kyle rittenhouse https://t.co/ToUQElD4fF
— bobby (@bobbylikesbeers) September 30, 2024

October 1

ok thanks that's enough https://t.co/gYiUjzWDjI
— nate of the living dead (@MNateShyamalan) October 2, 2024

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn't mean accountable.
— SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) October 1, 2024

me reading the all-staff "friendly reminder" email that is absolutely about me pic.twitter.com/DfUOu57yI4
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) October 1, 2024

I volunteer to leave at 2pm. https://t.co/VPiQmSueW6
— Nicole 🌜 (@nsealyyy) October 1, 2024

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads pic.twitter.com/UAfd3NmcAq
— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) October 1, 2024

Just to be clear, we're on the cusp of WW3 all because a small faction of a religious group believe that their god promised them some land over 3000 years ago. It's 2024, by the way!
— Dr Dan Goyal (@danielgoyal) October 1, 2024

Bunch of old men arguing about religion are going to get us all killed.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) October 1, 2024

i just know israel isn't bombing 4 fucking countries right now but yall want me to "pray for israel"
— Ina🌞 (@penultina) October 1, 2024

to be fair, there was no way to know that 'de-escalation through escalation' was a bad idea without testing it first
— Shaunt (had covid, vids when i'm better) (@shaun_vids) October 1, 2024

That's crazy. What do Israeli rockets do when they hit inside Gaza and Lebanon? https://t.co/EuDrQF9Jwu
— Séamus Malekafzali (@Seamus_Malek) October 1, 2024

you gotta admit, it would be pretty sick if climate change was a hoax
— Sean Morrow (@snmrrw) October 2, 2024

I had no idea there were 25,007 James Bond films. https://t.co/AmQQ8QHOhB
— John Trumbull (@TrumbullComic) October 1, 2024

HOLY DAMN HELL pic.twitter.com/pKZ86bFhAW
— josh beagle (@nickhexum311) October 1, 2024

Drove by a daycare and my 4-year-old said "That's where I used to go." I told her she's never gone to daycare and she asked "Then who took care of me?" and I said "I did" if any parents were wondering if anything they do matters.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 1, 2024

This is so fucking embarrassing. Slow clap, conservatives. https://t.co/7cMRKyo0wj
— CreekPete (@CreekPete2) October 1, 2024

Moderator: What do you think about Iran?

Vance: Let me introduce myself. I'm the son of a crackhead.
— Veronica McDonald🗣 (@Purify_toast17) October 2, 2024

Bruh I missed the debate did he actually say this? https://t.co/ynr6XalotK
— ☠️ Lilith Lovett ☠️ - Famous Minority (@LilithLovett) October 2, 2024

pic.twitter.com/83pmngYbiT
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) October 2, 2024

"You said you weren't going to fact check" is HUGE loser energy. #VPDebate2024
— Evan Thomas (@EvanDerekThomas) October 2, 2024

So, immigrants come to this country (with fentanyl & guns to sell) but steal your job demanding to work for less than minimum wage. Then, with all those sub-minimum wages, outbid you on a house. (And may be eat your pets). Got it.
— Lorena Gonzalez (@LorenaSGonzalez) October 2, 2024

You literally can't rent or own a home without a social security number. Migrants are not causing the housing crisis.
— Ally Sammarco (@Ally_Sammarco) October 2, 2024

love the idea of immigrants crossing the border and immediately outbidding a white couple for a 3 bed/2 bath in suburban Virginia
— Nathalie Baptiste 🇭🇹 (@nhbaptiste) October 2, 2024

moderator: you said Trump might be america's hitler

vance: as i've said many times, i meant that as a compliment
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) October 2, 2024

From a journalism perspective, kind of funny that the most important question of the night was asked by...Tim Walz. https://t.co/JRAsoyh3yf
— Jordan Weissmann (@JHWeissmann) October 2, 2024

Collins: You can't blame the media for for those threats.

Jr: When someone allows people to have a platform to call someone literally Hitler..

Collins: JD Vance once likened your father to Hitler pic.twitter.com/CLLudSwrcs
— Acyn (@Acyn) October 2, 2024

Me when they cancelled The Nanny in '99 https://t.co/Dpnz2oLU5K
— Danny Pellegrino (@DannyPellegrino) October 2, 2024

a comment ❤️ https://t.co/TxZyRmbHKI
— Chris (@cdmukasa) October 2, 2024

Chloe Fineman get ready pic.twitter.com/rSA8GCIBgW
— paul (@paulswhtn) October 2, 2024

will use "thank you for explaining the legal process" on any man who talks to me for too long from now on
— jacqueline zegler (@jacquelinezegs) October 2, 2024

What's breathtaking about Vance is that he tells a personal story of govt helping him out - food stamps, grandmother's social security, GI Bill funding his college. But he stands for taking all that away.
— Edward Luce (@EdwardGLuce) October 2, 2024

If I send you this it means I'm about to lie in the most articulate manner possible… pic.twitter.com/drhOnRyZfa
— NAACP (@NAACP) October 2, 2024

Can confirm https://t.co/qQfovRWmPS
— Jon Cryer (@MrJonCryer) October 2, 2024

Tim Walz: "We're pro women"
JD Vance: "I know a woman, she's watching, hello woman"
— albertina rizzo (@albz) October 2, 2024

JD Vance has the energy of the guy they bring out to talk financing when you're buying a car who only looks at your husband
— T (@teewatterss) October 2, 2024

I'm fine. pic.twitter.com/pzYIbYMigS
— Justine Stafford (@JustineStafford) October 1, 2024

Babe what's wrong, you don't like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
— Amanda Fortini (@amandafortini) October 1, 2024

I can't tell if he's supposed to be behind her, next to her, or in front of her https://t.co/uO4TXhemES
— joe bro (@jbromovies) October 1, 2024

People ask why I'm still here. You're telling me I get to watch a top 5 asshole in the world lose $44-billion in real time, and you want me to leave???
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 2, 2024

Jimmy Carter is now too old to play with Legos 🧱 pic.twitter.com/bM0qX0yY5O
— History Calendar (@historycalendar) October 1, 2024

"First President born in a hospital" is one of those things that puts time into perspective bc whoa. https://t.co/im1nApyZvt
— Tres. (@IamTHREEE) October 1, 2024

new type of person just dropped pic.twitter.com/SVBxKY6oNN
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) October 2, 2024

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
— "CLASSY" FRED BLASSIE (@megantheevalium) October 1, 2024

This billboard speaks to me pic.twitter.com/vRHICb7IDu
— mrs papaw (@mrsballs69) October 1, 2024

October 2

hate how the area around my desk gets so dusty and dirty just because that's where i spend 40+ hours a week shedding skin cells and slowly dying
— 6'3" pool boy bitch 🦩 (@youwouldntpost) October 2, 2024

Me: did you brush your teeth this morning?

My kid: yes.

Me: well I just felt your toothbrush and it's completely dry.

My kid: pic.twitter.com/6hD2kFmyli
— Zach W. Lambert (@ZachWLambert) October 2, 2024

You've probably seen Republicans sharing this fake photo of JD Vance today, but it's funnier when you see them side by side. The pathology required to think this was necessary is so deeply disturbing. pic.twitter.com/oVieRGP5iG
— Brandon Friedman (@BFriedmanDC) October 2, 2024

Actually it's pronounced "jaslight" - you've been saying it wrong the whole time
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) October 2, 2024

You guys
IT'S HERE pic.twitter.com/IuPQBDAmvE
— Ope! McTavish (@Spoon_town) October 2, 2024

"what should we put in the big hole we made for trains?" is such a uniquely American question https://t.co/h73uCZ0Iwp
— Cross-laminated Tinder (@nickhasthoughts) October 3, 2024

All of Canada losing their sh*t right now... https://t.co/vavoeveF2V
— Giant Blüe Ring (@GiantBlueRing) October 2, 2024

This will make my 140km/h look more reasonable, so thanks I guess https://t.co/jZUh70uZn9
— P² (@DreMacsAMillion) October 3, 2024

https://t.co/LipS9zErRE pic.twitter.com/TqkZHOOdYh
— Alex Regnery (@aregnery) October 2, 2024

friend saw this guy on the apps lol pic.twitter.com/NuwYYp4CNv
— mindy🌷 (@mindyisser) October 3, 2024

okay what the fuck is going on pic.twitter.com/1cIiqJ6Bj0
— wyatt pumpkin (@WyattDuncan) October 2, 2024

This one hurt. pic.twitter.com/IazU2rtzeH
— Kit Lazer (@moviesRtherapy) October 2, 2024

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we'd pretty much sorted the design of the cup. pic.twitter.com/zP1tmG9Mtd
— Henry Moeran (@henrymoeranBBC) October 2, 2024

October 3

Y'all just need to get over January 6th. It was almost four years ago.
~ @gop pic.twitter.com/oSRDcFcbTl
— Sgt Joker (@TheSGTJoker) October 3, 2024

JD Vance refused to answer this question at the debate but he told us Donald Trump won the 2020 election. pic.twitter.com/VyGrnCVAaw
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 3, 2024

Hi John -- can you explain why America, which doesn't have a carbon tax, is seeing the same kind of food price inflation? https://t.co/B5cNANcVSP
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) October 3, 2024

JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX? Oh, you mean A Scar Is Born?
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 3, 2024

not wanting kids because you're sleepy is so real https://t.co/FQ1qBlktdA
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) October 3, 2024

YouTube Pants https://t.co/ThoLWXZ70C
— SpookmarUTG ✿ 🍉 (@0marUTG) October 3, 2024

the intellectual powerhouse of Canada I've been told pic.twitter.com/F8wVuDvoet
— Pat Dubois (@patdubois) October 3, 2024

me telling the youth about the complimentary cookies and espresso machine in the porter airport lounge pic.twitter.com/zMd8y3gE27
— eric kostink willyums (@kostiukwilliams) October 3, 2024

people in toronto tweet this every time they don't get invited to a birthday party https://t.co/3jpqNWCaYr
— kyle (@KYLEWILDFERN) October 3, 2024

This person says immigrants will come live in your house with you if Kamala wins. pic.twitter.com/WpaCJmAzIf
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 3, 2024

His name isn't Normal Al Yankovic https://t.co/2ZLVLHprFE
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) October 3, 2024

I fear America as a nation is genuinely not prepared for a Mets-Phillies division series. South Jersey will be a war zone. Our Interstate Wawa System is at risk of collapse. Our strategic Hoagie and Tanning Oil Reserves will be severely stressed. We may never know peace again.
— Sal Gentile (@salgentile) October 4, 2024

There's a mirror on marketplace and the listing says "never used" like what do you mean???
— One million farts in the Large Hadron Collider (@fartwich) October 3, 2024

I want a "reverse Costco" where you can buy small amounts of items you will rarely use again, like specialty ingredients.

Let me pay $1 for 1 oz of fish sauce. Yes, I can get much more for not that much more money but then I'll feel guilty every time I see it in my fridge.
— Eize Basa (@PonchoRebound) October 3, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 4, 2024

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