Exactly how to watch Twin Peaks, "Leon" leaps as Donald speaks, hurricanes set off GOP freaks, the Lonely Island's glory hole tweaks, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 4

white people be like "white people be like" and they be the white people that be like!
— kelsey (@sexytwerp) October 4, 2024

Urban Outfitters lowering the prices of hundreds of items because they lost customers price gouging is killing me
— 👩🏾‍🌾 (@arisofmars) October 4, 2024

I've been informed that my custom Rizzler emoji on Teams can be seen by my entire organization and can only be removed by IT pic.twitter.com/1DIRhwmwTP
— Corcoran Commons Truther 🦅 (@CorcoranCommons) October 4, 2024

no i do not want to download the app; CAN I JUST DO WHAT I NEED TO DO VIA THE WEB BROWSER MY GOD.
— Jared C. (@jayctigerfan) October 4, 2024

This is the first time my family has heard from my sister in 7 years https://t.co/ejDraDqFSU
— Dan Carney (@DanManCarney) October 4, 2024

My seven-year-old asked for a dictionary this week. We went to the bookshop today to buy one. She walked home hugging it, pausing every so often to look up a word, grinning as though she had been given a book of spells, the key to wonders.
— Ann Morgan (@A_B_Morgan) October 4, 2024

pic.twitter.com/5CGBJuCv3p
— Hannah Kim (@thisishannahkim) October 5, 2024

laughing at the comments thinking they are gonna get taylor lmfao no you're getting 45 minutes of brittany mahomes https://t.co/47a0T7aGCo
— v (@bejeweledism) October 5, 2024

im tired of pretending that hard work will get me somewhere in life https://t.co/B0G9uchFdK
— Octa 👻🎃 (@OctaSpla2n) October 5, 2024

October 5

The most beautiful women you know eat like raccoons https://t.co/p28aQXpVhO
— miki minach (@p0shsplice) October 5, 2024

eating disorder? yeah man i'm eating dis order of french fries hahahahaha but yeah no my relationship with food is lowkey not great
— Stolen Dune (@StolenDans) October 5, 2024

And October used to be cold pic.twitter.com/CtpDpwje2j
— Ariam #FreeTigray (@iambrattyb) October 6, 2024

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said "What? You mean like if you ride on top?"
— David Hill (@davehill77) October 5, 2024

The one thing that strikes me about AI use in school, especially in college, is how little students consider school a place to learn, just a place to survive to get a thing. https://t.co/lru7hkMhi5
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 6, 2024

i seem to remember a time when STUPID people got fucking YELLED AT !!!!!
— Listen here Nomb Nuts (@dril) October 5, 2024

I never understood why people voted for Brexit, I never understood why people voted for Trump but last night at dinner a Doctor explained it to me, he said,

"They're stupid Robert, simply very stupid"
— RS Archer (@archer_rs) October 5, 2024

I saw someone say here that The Joker was not "funny" in The Dark Knight.
This is one of the funniest beats in any Christopher Nolan film and it was improvised by Heath Ledger. pic.twitter.com/9Hst9c1BW8
— Will McCrabb (@mccrabb_will) October 5, 2024

anyway pic.twitter.com/FL2lz6erCc
— *bd*ll*h (@ab00xx) October 5, 2024

Those 34 games are gonna be scary https://t.co/0tffwqfh3c
— Jacob Roggero (@JacobRoggero) October 5, 2024

guy who sold me a couch texting me to ask about the couch....bro....it's over for u and this couch...it's mine now
— haru (@worstamericngrl) October 6, 2024

Nosebleed seats in the crib is crazy. https://t.co/CWXXrGSDKE
— Hub (@KenHeLive) October 6, 2024

I know this photo is gonna bring another bullshit Twitter update https://t.co/cnYezEmaBp
— Teo (@siesteo) October 6, 2024

Imagine having so much money you could make life demonstrably better for every living person on earth and deciding to spend it on being a huge fucking loser instead
— Ben Mekler (@benmekler) October 5, 2024

October 6

Imagine buying a website so people will think you're cool and two years later people photoshop you jumping out of a window on 9/11 https://t.co/XdXfPC1hCH
— Ela Bambust, professional author (@Elamimaxima) October 6, 2024

Just an fyi we don't respond to the angry emails we receive every day. We just add the email address to our newsletter subscribers.
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) October 6, 2024

I am but a nostalgic millennial but I do believe they've still got it pic.twitter.com/jkJuXlwfpq
— Dave Jorgenson (not JD Vance) (@davejorgenson) October 7, 2024

Voting for Kamala because it will get Maya Rudolph enough SNL work to fund a decade of Paul Thomas Anderson films
— Spooky Austin 🎃 (@awoodustin) October 7, 2024

this underrated one https://t.co/oEITCG6yir pic.twitter.com/S7RJMeXuBF
— shiv roy's bob (@stellamilfburn) October 7, 2024

y'all call it "holding grudges" i call it "i saw who you are and i'm not unseeing it"
— ً (@soidoona) October 6, 2024

Acting like you didn't rob a HR and letting them fully celebrate might be the most menacing thing I've ever seen pic.twitter.com/68Gy9n0rDF
— Morgan Bagg (@MorganBagg) October 7, 2024

Oh fatima … I hope in our next lives we can be reunited. Not as my Walmart chat representative, but as a kindred spirit who sees me for who I am pic.twitter.com/ZbQI6Ut105
— tub 𓆝 𓆟𓆞 (@3laichi) October 7, 2024

How'd he confirm this? What does he know? Why does he know it? https://t.co/bfcYiXrH80
— Nick Miller (@NickMillerMusic) October 6, 2024

I still think one of the wildest parts of the whole pandemic was how all the survivalists who spent years of their lives planning to live in a bunker and eat beans for a decade if things got bad couldn't even stand wearing a surgical mask to the grocery store for 20 minutes.
— Justin Joque (@jjoque) October 6, 2024

Thank you, that'll be great actually. https://t.co/RAR8edji5y
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) October 6, 2024

buying a used car and telling people it's a rescue
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) October 6, 2024

sucks that madison square garden only does concerts. some night they should just throw on a couple episodes of Monk
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) October 6, 2024

BULLSHIT. Cigarette smokers had to be beaten into submission. Those fiends had one of the strongest lobbys in HISTORY. They fought for their right to smoke in HOSPITALS. https://t.co/QPtD1MwDPa
— Gabrielle A. Perry, MPH (@GeauxGabrielle) October 6, 2024

You misunderstand the purpose of the long shower. I'm not doing anything in there. I am literally staring into nothingness and using the sensory input of falling water to temporarily wash away some of the horror of corporeal human life. https://t.co/vPzrUJRQ3W
— microplastics impossible: ghost brotocol (@DiabolicalSpuds) October 6, 2024

I am NOT dying to a hurricane named "MILTON" bro 🙏🙏😭😭
— Frizk🔜MFF (@FrizkFur) October 6, 2024

October 7

anyone who believes the government can launch and aim super hurricanes at a target has never been inside any federal facility and watch them try to make a copy of a document
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 8, 2024

Will never get over how insane it is that this is a sitting congresswoman https://t.co/QqsCMRuFXM
— doctor boneman (@iloveminigolf) October 7, 2024

as a lib the worst part of controlling the hurricanes is you still have to send 95% of them at random caribbean islands or the yucatan or wherever to keep up the ruse that theyre natural. now the tornado machine, you can really go wild on conservatives with that thing
— The Great El Wokismo (@canderaid) October 8, 2024

The same people who say "human activity can't affect the climate" are now saying, "the government is creating hurricanes."
— Sarah Connor (@collapse2050) October 8, 2024

imagine being a Shark in that water lol. Theyre probably like ahhhhhhhh lol https://t.co/hJk4N0dWd6
— SLATER (@SmokeRuntz) October 7, 2024

Republicans who voted against FEMA funding who are now claiming that FEMA isn't doing enough

A thread pic.twitter.com/cw8cp4XlYO
— Kamala HQ (@KamalaHQ) October 7, 2024

why are people telling her it's bad just let her do it https://t.co/L9KVG8Aw5e
— paige, BOOner wizard (@BonerWizard) October 8, 2024

The ones who were against the vaccine because they thought it could be dangerous are now drinking raw milk
— Taryn T, Duchess of the Blue Sea 🇺🇸 (@Talyn777) October 7, 2024

the microplastics in me acknowledge and honor the microplastics in you
— Alexius (@Alexius_sc2) October 7, 2024

https://t.co/yrOH9gOftk pic.twitter.com/2I2xaNpLXf
— simone de bolivar (@billieanania) October 7, 2024

Its funny cuz the harris false claim was just her accidentally saying Great Depression instead of Great Recession https://t.co/8JoQxPswru
— Aaron🔰🥑🌸 (@Awwrnold) October 7, 2024

or: https://t.co/WUpHnhmJ5M pic.twitter.com/R2wFnlwyr3
— Jabari Ali Davis (@JabariADavis) October 7, 2024

Interesting haircut https://t.co/JBMBY19Dbl
— Noelia Towers (@noeliatowers) October 7, 2024

I wish coworkers would fight in the bathrooms like in middle school
— $ (@Hnzdz) October 7, 2024

the reason i stay up late is because i don't want my free time to end and tomorrow to start
— ً (@soidoona) October 7, 2024

Is it just me or do we ruin things a lot faster than we used to? https://t.co/plLluuab6k
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) October 8, 2024

"Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting." destroys me every time https://t.co/viapObihnO
— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) October 7, 2024

this is exactly how you're supposed to watch twin peaks https://t.co/Qu22BvxDu8
— lenny (@dr3amoperator) October 8, 2024

The way I would be slapping a used sanitary towel down on that reception desk https://t.co/Nm3HZVB6Kj
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) October 7, 2024

If anyone ever demanded period-pain proof from me I would murder them so hard the person who invented murder would be like wow, that's a bit much https://t.co/eJAo06ploU
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) October 7, 2024

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
— ً (@soidoona) October 7, 2024

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess pic.twitter.com/PG5l6NFTrd
— Skelbton (@skelbthree) October 8, 2024

murder on the timeline pic.twitter.com/bG2po37hqb
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) October 7, 2024

people in the Midwest are so nice someone in the bathroom was like "cocaine?" and I was like "I don't have any" and they were like "no I'm sharing"
— Josh Trebach, MD (@jtrebach) October 7, 2024

I think I'm losing my mind https://t.co/FqrrGRA8VI pic.twitter.com/pCI2WOHSmA
— EXADECIBEL (@INFINITELOGIN) October 8, 2024

I don't understand this joke. what is a "dad's therapist" https://t.co/BVzY9YuPQQ
— jes tom 🥀 (@jestom) October 7, 2024

A Day in the Life credits, can kind of see why George was ready to quit. Each day a fresh humiliation. pic.twitter.com/QWUjF1RsrH
— Brendan Fraser Crane (@bf_crane) October 8, 2024

October 8

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out "that's too niche!"
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) October 9, 2024

The best part about driving a 2010 honda civic is you can just like bump into stuff. who cares
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) October 8, 2024

"why doesn't the menswear guy talk about women's clothing" listen to yourself https://t.co/QjS6e8j9gj
— derek guy (@dieworkwear) October 8, 2024

i wish i was kidding but my husband played ska for the baby and he immediately started skanking like it existed innately within him
— the tenant's union of wildfell hall (@chesthairalert) October 8, 2024

I misunderstood their lyrics then pic.twitter.com/SIFJagl8dS
— Jason Narducy (@SplitSingleband) October 8, 2024

so many musicians are good actors and every actor's band is the worst shit you've ever heard
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) October 8, 2024

RIP MF DOOM https://t.co/nbihHP56u9
— O'Shea Jackson Jr (@OsheaJacksonJr) October 8, 2024

Sony, now is the time to put Morbius in theatres again. For real this time. The bar has been lowered, i mean, the people still crave Morbius. We'll all go see it this time. No fooling. https://t.co/D56fhg6j7s
— Ashley Talks Comics! (@ComicGirlAshley) October 8, 2024

if I had a nickel for every time Netflix cancelled a show after one season, I'd have enough nickels to make my own show at Netflix that would be cancelled after one season https://t.co/yLvIoeitPm
— amboo 👻 (@mbrleigh) October 8, 2024

prime makes you pay for movies when you already pay for prime https://t.co/2tGL5LohMq
— crybaby 🦀 (@niarak98) October 9, 2024

Baseball is so funny. Like how do you not have the same size field for every team 😂 like it's literally not fair https://t.co/D9IqMYy4CL
— Ryan Jatho (@RyanTalksHoops) October 9, 2024

Many people are saying this pic.twitter.com/NbSVy9m3U6
— PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 (@patriottakes) October 8, 2024

analyze, enhance https://t.co/n9GwKQKyxo pic.twitter.com/zV15TKGRpO
— luka big pants (@LukaBigPants) October 8, 2024

I think this is just called speeding and you can do it in any car https://t.co/8dbX4UDb5m
— Patricia Wallinga (@pwallinga) October 8, 2024

why does it seem like im always in a bad mood when i spend too much time on the meanness website run by annoying hitler
— Maddie (living humans are real) (@Picklemaddierix) October 8, 2024

Same pic.twitter.com/zwewj36dNe
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) October 8, 2024

"doesn't harm the dog" but you removed all his skin, muscles, and organs for this??? https://t.co/XFyk8cYqQw
— krim (@MikuMessi) October 8, 2024

I thought it was a spam text 🫠 pic.twitter.com/bxOGc6LzsW
— andie (@AndieIsOnline) October 8, 2024

me opening an incognito window before googling a dumb question: now computer won't know I'm stupid
— Thomas 'TomSka' Ridgewell (@thetomska) October 8, 2024

are you fucking stupid https://t.co/UqJORqp9LN
— azaégor (@danyfraser) October 9, 2024

October 9

sorry so u want me to vote for Republicans when they can't even control the weather?? uhh pass, pretty pathetic actually
— Ghouls Spooksdaltsev (@jules_su) October 10, 2024

Biden 2020: This is malarkey, and Americans are hopping mad about it.

Biden 2024: This motherfucker right here. Fuck this fuck.
— Conspiratorial Templates (@mynamehear) October 9, 2024

PSA: Please don't write in "Hawk Tuah" on your ballot. I know it seems like a funny joke, but her legal name is Haliey Welch and putting down anything else could seriously jeopardize her chance at the presidency
— audrey (@phlegmme) October 9, 2024

the internet archive got hacked? that's crazy bro. the thing that has old news articles and old social posts and videos that contradict the blatant lies of the state-controlled media? that's nuts my guy. right befor the election? that's bonkers dude https://t.co/FaeIDzshFw
— zxy (@zelinarxy) October 9, 2024

Maye Musk out here like, "Stop being mean to my son. My sweet, mush-brained son. My thought-challenged little emerald boy. My precious little hate dummy. My stunted bibby boo. My sludge-brained breech baby. My snuggly little sack of stupid hammers. My tiny nonsense muppet. My lit
— Conspiratorial Templates (@mynamehear) October 9, 2024

Did we really need beer at the fucking OnRoute stops?
— Bernard (@bernardcampagna) October 9, 2024

Well it ain't called One https://t.co/OGcli3m9p2
— MJ (@mm_jiselle) October 9, 2024

i never eat the plate. whenever i finish eating the food part i wash the plate in soap and water and leave it to dry so i can use it again later https://t.co/goWyPc5ln5
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) October 9, 2024

all the clips i've seen from megalopolis look like this https://t.co/nDnTHNRyJy
— puds (@havingalaugh) October 9, 2024

I mean pic.twitter.com/kAipWf48Gm
— phoenix 💥🪽 (@phxforced) October 10, 2024

If he was fully committed he'd turn yellow. https://t.co/kcLJDX5RVz
— Cake (sexy era unitl 17th) 🍰 (@rigby113) October 9, 2024

it's sushi. being. fed. through. a hole. in. the wall. where you goin?
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) October 9, 2024

RIP MOO DENG https://t.co/JITUQYwsN8
— Brock (@brockomole) October 10, 2024

what could have inspired this trend in exploring the horrors of pregnancy and birth https://t.co/POHzqEYrG7
— Talia Lavin (@mobydickenergy) October 9, 2024

[*misreading this*] Dan Aykroyd has killed and he will kill again https://t.co/GnvMzhV9Im
— Tyler ''pronouns idiot'' Foster 🤖 (@tylergilfoster) October 10, 2024

Andre 3000 in 2003: https://t.co/L7hWmqYVIS
— 🇵🇸 Free Palestine (@ThumbWarVeteran) October 9, 2024

(To the person sitting next to me) The pilot said he's gonna drop me off at my house
— pj (@pjayevans) October 9, 2024

October 10

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor's very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile "well if it isn't Mr. Fall"
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) October 10, 2024

2 Mega 2 Lopolis https://t.co/mANjpBk4PB
— Drew Landry (@MrDrewLandry) October 10, 2024

wouldn't a timeout imply the racism will eventually resume https://t.co/WDHxsuaPdr
— Zachary Jacobson (@zacobson) October 10, 2024

Lightning and Hurricanes postponed by lightning and hurricanes https://t.co/XujExhUnXJ
— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) October 10, 2024

"The fact that Marjorie Taylor Greene is not frequently struck by lightning is proof that the Democrats do not control the weather."
😎 — Robert E. McGraw
— Laurence Tribe 🇺🇦 ⚖️ (@tribelaw) October 10, 2024

As a conservative I believe the government can't do anything right except regularly carrying out massive conspiracies
— Political Science B.A. (@InternetHippo) October 10, 2024

"No I can't do thursday, that's my day of falconry with RFK jr and Don Jr" pic.twitter.com/CPxZ7ltIp7
— Jason Pargin, author of John Dies at the End, etc (@JasonKPargin) October 10, 2024

I got an ipad too and i watch youtube on it. same resources but different outcomes, much to think about https://t.co/j9OV8Wx9uE
— hyeyun (@hyeyunie) October 10, 2024

surely they could have just written out 'Children's Hospital of Philadelphia' pic.twitter.com/cuf20I7qrw
— Jake Christie (@TheJakeChristie) October 10, 2024

We told my 4yr old I was pregnant and she was NOT happy about it. After she cried in her bed she came downstairs hands on hips and asked in the most accusatory tone "And where exactly is this new baby gonna sleep?" like we were two teens who hadn't thought this pregnancy through
— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 10, 2024

https://t.co/j5YQMUVWtY pic.twitter.com/Ev70qMrvZn
— Awkward Egg 😬🥚 (@sleepwalkingdog) October 10, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 11, 2024

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