Trying to request "Sledgehammer" when I'm drunk, Von ShitzinPantz stunk, testing the Cybertruck's trunk, Ant and MJ dunk, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 26

Will POTUS ride the Sybian? pic.twitter.com/H4NWXyum0o
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 26, 2024

Russell Westbrook had me thinking I was next pic.twitter.com/9yZfZtPmRN
— nightskin jøe (@itsjoepro) April 27, 2024

The funniest Clippers thing of all time is happening which is James Harden is emphatically showing up for a tough playoff series and almost nobody else on the team is.
— Robert Flom (@RichHomieFlom) April 27, 2024

I'm losing my mind listening to congress say the reason behind the TikTok ban is the unregulated influence of a foreign country over American citizens, as I am served commercials to support the Israeli government on every conceivable platform.
— Sara Alfageeh (@SaraAlfageeh) April 26, 2024

Emily Blunt and Ryan Gosling on their special skills:

R: "I learned that if you put ice in your hummus it's a lot creamier!"

E: "I can play the cello! It's a little better than creamy hummus, isn't it?"

R: "Why'd you let me lead?"

*silence*

R: "WHY'D YOU LET ME SAY HUMMUS??" pic.twitter.com/ZWaUDN8Dxr
— best of emily blunt (@badpostblunt) April 26, 2024

April 27

not to be controversial but the first thing i'd do if i could travel through time is go to the Nirvana MTV Unplugged
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) April 28, 2024

I'm best man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back everyone"?
— Garry Gray (@GarryJGray) April 27, 2024

Saw Challengers today and may I just say congratulations in advance to both beautiful women and extremely close male friends on what is sure to be a summer to remember
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) April 28, 2024

I love that Kristi Noem's entire defense is just naming other animals she killed. In two days, she's going to be like "Listen, I invented the penguin-guillotine and I'm goddamn proud of it." https://t.co/GsL57ilknK
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) April 28, 2024

Me at Loblaws, after spending $50 on two chicken breasts and a head of lettuce: galen weston is a true Canadian hero and if he's not it's the carbon tax's fault pic.twitter.com/jnIn3z2n1j
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) April 27, 2024

#CDNpoli

Somebody didn't pay their bot farm bill? pic.twitter.com/kWtXsWyr1q
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) April 27, 2024

A friend is sitting in the 500s. Someone in his section heckled Ohtani about gambling and an usher came over and said "no gambling talk". My friend inquired further and the usher said no yelling about gambling at all.

Un/related: there is a 2-storey gambling ad in the outfield. pic.twitter.com/aKJzQuTtms
— Eephus Curve (@eephusasher) April 27, 2024

Moving it to top five right behind "Shaq thinks it takes ten or eleven hours to fly to the moon" https://t.co/cnyRW7NqAM
— 🦍BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL🦍 (@edsbs) April 27, 2024

When I realized who this must be about I started cracking up pic.twitter.com/64B86YLNnb
— Chris Wade (@saywhatagain) April 27, 2024

pic.twitter.com/omHlkIYK1x
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) April 28, 2024

I have no idea why but that slap/tap pass by Jokic felt European. I've never seen it before, I have no evidence to support my claim, but that felt Euro and I'll die on this hill (mostly because I'm lazy and don't want to move).
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) April 28, 2024

this really the craziest tweet in history https://t.co/zlCWTtZhXf
— Bobby (@BobbyMlRE) April 27, 2024

April 28

At my da's funeral in Ireland, my niece heard the priest raise his hands and say "join me in reciting—" and with all the solemnity a 2 year old could muster, she bellowed a sad 🎶HAPPY BIRTHDAY🎶 over Irish people mumbling the Our Father. First and last time in a church.
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) April 28, 2024

this is excellent, now students can focus harder on how the province is underfunding their education https://t.co/YslALjBvS7
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) April 29, 2024

I hate the social media, highlight, revisionist history era. I lived the Darvin Ham era and he was in fact NOT a bucket https://t.co/ikavB1tsoO
— Eddie Francis (@yourboyeddie) April 28, 2024

Anthony Edwards 🤝 Michael Jordan

Father and son dunking on the Suns pic.twitter.com/OZjmkZrTWv
— Tony Clements (@TonyCMKE) April 29, 2024

yo wake up babe new Embiid edit just dropped pic.twitter.com/HlhrYwSo2B
— KlawWrld (@kawhi_ring) April 28, 2024

Just a friendly reminder Jaylen Brown now has 6 months left to get 5 rings before turning 28 pic.twitter.com/YYys6imZyr
— Emo Jimmy (@WheelerJaylen) April 28, 2024

Joel Embiid in the 4th:

1 Point
7 Turnovers
5 Fouls
0-5 FG pic.twitter.com/bwNqTDEQFz
— NBACentel (@TheNBACentel) April 28, 2024

The plan:
- 10 hours of NBA basketball
- beach boys on the speaker
- never put on a shirt
- leave apartment for 10 minutes tops for iced coffee
- randomly bust out pushups throughout the day
- chip dinner
— Late Night Jake Show 🕊️ (@AgendaHaver) April 28, 2024

Charles Barkley apologizes to Beyonce's mom for trashing Galveston

Immediately mocks Galveston again

"That water is so dirty I'd rather go to San Antonio with those big ole' women" pic.twitter.com/IbpAn7BMXl
— Gifdsports (@gifdsports) April 28, 2024

Justice for Silvio https://t.co/dfEiYIIUPj
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 28, 2024

TOP 5 WORST MUSICAL PIZZA TOPPINGS:

5. Sgt. Pepperoni
4. John Prineapple
3. Mozzarella Fitzgerald
2. TIE: Toni Basil / Jon An Chovy
1. MushRumours
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) April 29, 2024

Comedy is when you tell people how cool being polite is https://t.co/skIAvyddLp
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) April 29, 2024

April 29

You can't even ask what the deal is with something anymore. You can't ask who these people are. https://t.co/ygIRZHY8QO
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) April 29, 2024

I've been enjoying the grim death march that has been Seinfeld's promo tour of his pop-tart movie
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) April 29, 2024

Excited to announce I've been paid $5,000,000 for my new comedy special, "They Won't Let You Do Comedy Anymore" for a big streamer. It's shot at an opera house that sits 5,000 cheering fans. My opening bit will be about me being silenced. The rest will be how much I hate my wife
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 29, 2024

one of my Dad's employees asked for their birthday off and my dad said "why? Did your wife get you a clown?" my Dad had to go to a sensitivity class and apologize to him in front of everyone. https://t.co/9RSNjCaIt3
— kyle (@meteormajeure) April 29, 2024

1 ticket to Challengers please. No threesome for me, im just gonna jack off in the theater 👍
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) April 29, 2024

i understand that my body can't digest corn or whatever. that's fine. my issue is that i fucking chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
— tate (@50FirstTates) April 29, 2024

https://t.co/AXg7e28are pic.twitter.com/HnJIUf7zjk
— Steven Hyden (@Steven_Hyden) April 29, 2024

i can think of 1 instance where a rape joke is funny https://t.co/P66EOiOQd3 pic.twitter.com/yIVf5Vcb3V
— daisy "dan goose" tackett (@fatstevebuscemi) April 30, 2024

Opinion | Arm the puppies
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) April 29, 2024

"PLEASE DO NOT LAUNCH ANY ADDITIONAL SOLIDARITY ENCAMPMENTS AT CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES," feds say https://t.co/OhbZM91xec
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) April 29, 2024

Started / Going pic.twitter.com/EuAxIdc4NU
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) April 29, 2024

April 30

My favorite Montalban is probably Ricardo.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 1, 2024

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
— mutable joe (@mutablejoe) April 30, 2024

Linkedin cannot be real pic.twitter.com/tT2GlqlzOf
— Avi (@avighnash) May 1, 2024

a very small influencer married into a billionaire family and i am absolutely dying over her demanding this insta handle pic.twitter.com/5asl0O2Vjr
— erb (@bentleyliz2) April 30, 2024

Kendrick confusing Haley Joel Osment with Joel Osteen is so fucking funny, he didn't even Google shit, just walked into the booth mad as hell lmaooo https://t.co/ibu9xq3FvR
— Iron Jack Solomon 🇵🇸 (@JackSolomonETU) April 30, 2024

Drake: you're short.

Kendrick: you fabricated your whole black persona to hide your insecurities and gain acceptance and steal our culture . No one respects you, Diddy slapped you, you're afraid of Pusha and you're not allowed to say nigga Aubrey #euphoria #kdot pic.twitter.com/OLfcx7ghIO
— Tristan the Blerd (@tristantheblerd) April 30, 2024

Nah Kendrick diss burned so bad it got Suge fighting for Civil Rights from jail https://t.co/Y95zSmGpEK
— Zeeti (@DJZeeti) April 30, 2024

https://t.co/uXSpVkaL3F pic.twitter.com/4ezTZHEYkI
— © 🥭 (@CashAndJewels) April 30, 2024

New incredible John Carpenter quote just dropped https://t.co/o8eeTcGubI pic.twitter.com/5Bx902qUGT
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) May 1, 2024

The story remains the same: conservative provinces deliberately breaking things and then weaponizing the public's anger over things being broken. https://t.co/DPZ89wLhfn
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) April 30, 2024

Here's my takeaway from this: Dwayne Johnson being late supports union workers pic.twitter.com/cWrdLSuz2z
— AK Lingus (@aklingus) April 30, 2024

Is this something the good guys do normally https://t.co/KmE7zt79Vw
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 1, 2024

i never really understood what "seething mad" meant until i saw ben stiller's face here,,buddy STEAMING lmaooo https://t.co/Xmygk2P39g
— mike taddow (@MikeTaddow) May 1, 2024

Respect to Maxey…but damn…I'm clearly getting too old for this shit… pic.twitter.com/XjOkPOfaaQ
— Jon Stewart (@jonstewart) May 1, 2024

May 1

Conan on the aftermath of his HOT ONES appearance. I about pissed my pants from laughing. pic.twitter.com/cdx3pmq3zv
— Andrew Woods (@JimJarmuschHair) May 2, 2024

man lmfao pic.twitter.com/UaZ2bwqMnM
— coffee (@eventualforever) May 2, 2024

I can't be the only one that thought Jose Canseco is dating Johnny Manziel https://t.co/3CaHLiVynA
— Hoerner Burner (@HoernerMVP) May 1, 2024

If she's behind the counter that's bossman bro I dunno what to tell you https://t.co/vcqSLK6t9g
— YT (@yungtolz) May 1, 2024

It may sound crazy but this actually just happened. pic.twitter.com/DoyAHPloKU
— Medic Kim (@medickimw) May 2, 2024

Mike Lindell lookin like the guy who's been hiding his zombie bite from the group https://t.co/FMOlCKSP44
— F♯A♯∞, fka ☕️ (@coopercooperco) May 2, 2024

Caitlin Clark scored 3,321 more points than Doug Gottleib in college https://t.co/09LlufzFNL
— B.W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) May 1, 2024

call him James "Boeing" Harden because he put up 7/4/7 and he's fucking killing everyone around him
— reuben (legally back on bullshit) (@liesandperfidy) May 2, 2024

I know there's a lot going on right now but it feels kind of important that Boeing is doing a Michael Clayton in broad daylight pic.twitter.com/F67BbDXkuz
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 2, 2024

Nothing says "don't believe the rumors" quite like killing two guys https://t.co/xn3kWczbJy
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) May 2, 2024

May 2

I don't know who she is but she's iconic. A true queen. pic.twitter.com/muEjEgmrTz
— René #FreePalestine 🟥🚩🇵🇸 (@rcmoya84) May 2, 2024

YO 😂😂😂 https://t.co/XxtNaFi7Of pic.twitter.com/rLNE69tlMX
— Northwest Cee (@CeeHawk) May 2, 2024

What is up with these Gen X men pic.twitter.com/YOuyxr16rL
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) May 2, 2024

that might be unlikely https://t.co/QuqbyruvKU pic.twitter.com/XeuvCJjANj
— music struggles & wins (@musicstruggles1) May 2, 2024

Mike Huckabee's son hanged a dog. Sarah Palin's son stood on one. Tomi Lahren kicks hers. Mitt Romney drove with his on the roof of his car. Ted Cruz abandoned his. Kristi Noem shot hers. In conclusion, Republicans are a bunch of dog-hating sociopaths.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 2, 2024

these guys are the biggest marks in history pic.twitter.com/YnOUCPRiZW
— adrian (@crawf34) May 2, 2024

bill hader https://t.co/UovtkVKgJI
— greta (@haderrsnl) May 2, 2024

naming a child River then saying "row your own boat" is diabolical lmao https://t.co/yzC9dQS4qe
— Tyler Conway (@jtylerconway) May 2, 2024

Trump being called "Von ShitzinPantz" in a Michael Cohen post has been introduced as a court exhibit by Trump's attorney, Todd Blanche. Now national and world media is covering Trump's new moniker of Von ShitzinPantz. Thank you Todd Blanche.
— Tom Joseph (@TomJChicago) May 2, 2024

Trying to request "Sledgehammer" when I'm drunk pic.twitter.com/54q0bHxnYF
— D Cynicalcola (@SinacoLad) May 2, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 3, 2024

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