Category is: things I need, a DJ succeeds, corporate greed, Bill Maher requires weed, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 17

"Still punk as fuck" I whisper, after getting excited for a new dish sponge
— Theonewhocums (@Theonewhocums_) May 17, 2024

https://t.co/ByuntK2s9J pic.twitter.com/DvSKOmxlIc
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) May 17, 2024

ever since i was a little kid i knew i wanted to be unemployed
— beer person (@CantEverDie) May 17, 2024

This is a masterclass in photobombing. pic.twitter.com/05lJcfg2xW
— Nicole Minet (@mouvement33) May 18, 2024

I literally can't stress it enough how bad this rebrand is.

It definitively is the WORST rebrand in history for countless reasons https://t.co/ttiSFJSvU3
— APOLLO (@MTG_Apollo) May 17, 2024

I'll never forget this call I got when I worked at a bank this lady called in as the authorized user on her husband's credit card…. BABY when she asked me what grindr was????!!… one of my lungs collapsed i took the longest pause she thought I hung up..
— Satan's Niece (@thekrissychula) May 18, 2024

Ben Franklin electrocuted himself with a kite and he was considered the smartest guy in Philly
— fred (@FredNietzky) May 17, 2024

"Give up pot smoking" is a very funny way to describe not being high for a one-hour interview. What a stupid man! https://t.co/Gph7vCfEmb
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) May 17, 2024

Obi-Wan Kenobi, living under a fascist regime that purged everyone he loved: The guys in this airport bar are the worst people in the universe
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) May 17, 2024

For the rest of that kid's life, he's gonna be able to tell this story knowing full well no one will believe him, and then he'll have the satisfaction of sharing the video. https://t.co/VAtc1dCCIq
— Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) May 18, 2024

"Second album" is INSANE. Sis really been eating and paying her taxes off of one album for 20+ years. https://t.co/m8MIwcJQqY
— April (@ReignOfApril) May 18, 2024

Always knew P. Diddy was a piece of shit. pic.twitter.com/uUBFnEu9ti
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) May 17, 2024

ppl love to call J Cole soft but he was the only rapper that put hands on Diddy 🤷‍♂️
— Robbing (@robbing_) May 17, 2024

they should let cassie shoot diddy on national television and i mean that
— hot girl midsommar (@verymimi) May 17, 2024

Hey @boeing Diddy is a whistleblower, do your thing
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) May 17, 2024

May 18

pic.twitter.com/Hkszr0mynb
— the Beverly of Cheverly (@NickoGallo) May 18, 2024

Ok these are all excellent 😂 pic.twitter.com/cRmF6P8P9w
— 𝕍 for Very (@hail2thetealeaf) May 18, 2024

Idk this one pissed off a lot of people lmfao https://t.co/AODPF3PR0J pic.twitter.com/I2lbYRe80s
— doom (@erika_doom) May 18, 2024

Personally, I am opposed to everything getting worse yet somehow also more expensive
— donni saphire (@donni) May 19, 2024

Presumably there's a kitten down in that hole. https://t.co/MHebPkjcsL
— Michael Marshall Smith (@ememess) May 18, 2024

It runs like shit, it's full of bots that post pornography in your replies, all the advertisers have left, and there are more Nazis than ever https://t.co/rrmZrT3KhS
— keewa 🇵🇸 (@keewa) May 19, 2024

Two Boeing whistleblowers have mysteriously died and both times the investigators were like "it looks like he was so ashamed at betraying his employer...that he died of a broken heart 🥺" https://t.co/koc7LVGu8F
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) May 18, 2024

I love how their government spends billions on propaganda trying to look like the "good guys" and it all goes to waste the moment these guys turn on their phone cameras https://t.co/cd4QBbuTHZ
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) May 18, 2024

Kendrick wanted to make every diss to Drake a statement

Euphoria - I can rap better than you
6:16 in LA - I can play better mind games than you
Meet the Grahams - I can be more disrespectful than you
Not Like Us - I can make better hits than you

Masterclass in rap battle
— Mavi 〽️ (@NameIsMavi) May 18, 2024

The INTERNET is UNdefeated! This thread is so that all the B6 songs can be consolidated into one space! Someone just sent me the first country song! I must admit I've had a number of Bops stuck in my head. Drop your fav 👇🏾. https://t.co/hTXYm2g0fI
— Jasmine Crockett (@JasmineForUS) May 18, 2024

and it's unironically one of the best series endings of all time. "you look me in the eye, and you tell me you can't do it" has stuck with me for DECADES https://t.co/Ou23GjXSh2 pic.twitter.com/TyAgujZyBV
— ham yoyo 🚀💫 (@scifibis) May 18, 2024

Bill Maher is the perfect example of how for the average white man in America the greatest adversity they face in life, and consequently take great offense to, is being politely asked not to do something https://t.co/yBYIp9gThY
— August J. Pollak (@AugustJPollak) May 18, 2024

[warren zevon voice] https://t.co/SVPowbAHu6
— brad (@bshoup) May 18, 2024

Brother, there are three different baseball teams named after socks. https://t.co/hWqpbN3vcG
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) May 18, 2024

There's a men's basketball team in Utah named after a style of music that has never once been played in Utah https://t.co/UgQgksSaxB
— Mike (@hammerito) May 18, 2024

"Must beat wolf team to play team with horse" https://t.co/psK0i02q4r
— Doctor T (@DoctorTBets) May 18, 2024

May 19

[flirting with the judge] so, is there a mr. demeanor
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 19, 2024

Is sexy one of those words that means something different in British like lift or chips https://t.co/2IFdQrKMYN
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) May 19, 2024

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn't happen to me.
— boob dylan (@BYUsupersoaker) May 19, 2024

Yall 😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/NYwBuplKK7
— The Neighborhood Publicist (@nhoodpublicist) May 19, 2024

Song of the summer just dropped! pic.twitter.com/pg6x1389ou
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) May 19, 2024

I was talking to a girl I knew from high school. She married a Jewish guy, converted. She was going off on some "10/7 changed everything, gave my life purpose" shit and in that moment I realized a lot of this is about white people wanting to be oppressed so bad.
— Molly Perky Set 🇵🇸 (@tweetsandboobs) May 19, 2024

This has been up for 4 days and no community note the only thing this could mean is that's its actually real https://t.co/9i8F8brMHh
— TristanBeMe (@TristanBeMe101) May 20, 2024

35 seconds! That's how long Trump froze when his teleprompter stopped scrolling at yesterday's NRA convention. He can't think or speak without a teleprompter. All he could do was shake his head in frustration & grimace in embarrassment until it restarted.pic.twitter.com/fmIZpXxKG3
— Jon Cooper (@joncoopertweets) May 19, 2024

https://t.co/h1tCHVe69R pic.twitter.com/DUcVF4l8BA
— the Beverly of Cheverly (@NickoGallo) May 20, 2024

Waking up with two NBA game sevens on deck pic.twitter.com/Rs7piahBmZ
— Hammer DAHN (@HammerDAHN) May 19, 2024

Bruh walking like he on the team 😭 https://t.co/E46VdeRNqJ
— BSOLZ (@BSOLZ_) May 19, 2024

and in that order https://t.co/CASdW04qJr
— RK Jackson | Atlanta 🛸 (@theerkj) May 19, 2024

Oh he's broke broke https://t.co/NJPsaPS5dh
— Mounir (@Mounlrr) May 20, 2024

May 20

Had a new experience tonight: on hour one of a six-hour flight, I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back the guy beside me was wearing my sweatshirt
— Sarah Edwards (@eddy_sarah) May 21, 2024

Some random dinosaur 66 million years ago be like: https://t.co/SuuEcRDPgP
— Quokka (@QuokkaSmiles87) May 20, 2024

Ffs. She wasn't being COMPARED to a lettuce, she was in a race with a lettuce. And she lost. And it was INCREDIBLY funny. pic.twitter.com/IliqfhhHLM
— Dr Amy Fuller 🍉 (@amyfullermorgan) May 20, 2024

Shit is so bad. That they have to openly admit to price gouging. https://t.co/Dt9RjCzZMC
— Ella Septima-Hamer (@jbrous41) May 20, 2024

We must band together against the growing number of restaurants where fries do not come with the burgers but are instead a $3 - $8 side. There are limits to what the righteous consumer can take
— Lauren Larson (@lrnlrsn) May 20, 2024

So you agree, inflation is just a made up thing for companies to increase profits without doing any actual work. https://t.co/07VQuVod3g pic.twitter.com/rWmkcNLsNI
— Gay and Tired (@GayChemist) May 20, 2024

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 20, 2024

i choose to believe tom only talks to chet for things like this https://t.co/ZoVxCkbnhf
— ashley ray🍦ice cream money out 3/1 (@theashleyray) May 20, 2024

Tom Hanks calling Chet Big Main tells me that Tom loves and accepts his ridiculous son for who he is. https://t.co/ReYuhMOcJr
— Rolo Tony (@PoorOldRoloTony) May 20, 2024

If someone told me Jojo Siwa got drunk at Disney world and forced people to sing her lyrics... I'd believe them. Even without seeing this... I'd believe them. pic.twitter.com/iTY1cu9c2f
— Derwayne Wills 🇬🇾 (@DMWills_) May 20, 2024

Yeah what the fuck was this for then? https://t.co/ij6ofkpIIl pic.twitter.com/7H1q9ke0ft
— Paul Meredith (@Paul_Shrupert) May 20, 2024

Meanwhile in America: https://t.co/hIIZImpbyT pic.twitter.com/8kds1PyJ0Y
— Adam Karpiak (@Adam_Karpiak) May 20, 2024

Reposting for no particular reason. https://t.co/0wDnERSSyP
— Brian Finucane (@BCFinucane) May 20, 2024

I mean, setting all other problems aside, why the fuck is it in a graduation speech?!?! https://t.co/11fBYSOd33
— Corinne Blalock 🍉 (@corinneblalock) May 20, 2024

Bombing for 8 minutes on purpose is still one of the funniest things I've ever seen https://t.co/AVoOrn56QS
— aaron. (@ayroned) May 21, 2024

May 21

apple could do the funniest thing ever and put that one U2 album as #1
— out getting rims (@hassanrahim) May 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/XIDtogyDuO
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) May 21, 2024

Tell Shel Silverstein I found it pic.twitter.com/sUfS0e6R2y
— Joseph S. Pete (@nwi_jsp) May 22, 2024

https://t.co/ejKhN53XQq pic.twitter.com/nCnr1iH8mp
— masonReloaded (@masonreloaded) May 21, 2024

American cities would put spikes underneath the grass so homeless people couldn't lay on this. https://t.co/vHTQZMTnCy
— Joe (In Erie) (@FillyJL) May 21, 2024

I worked in a shipyard in Alaska once and because I sorta knew how to use Excel they all called me "Computer"
— Justin🦩Boldaji (@justinboldaji) May 21, 2024

oh so google is like BROKEN broken pic.twitter.com/JNkesl7yde
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) May 21, 2024

the clutch underneath my what pic.twitter.com/ea37vI6vwv
— 🅺🆈🅻🅴🔻 (@rehab_kyle) May 21, 2024

https://t.co/YlkuCpQjiW pic.twitter.com/lciueZ8h8u
— SR(X)K Nephew (@KELVlN_FILTER) May 22, 2024

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
— CIIERRA 🐎 (@Salute_CC) May 21, 2024

Scrappy Doo helped the CIA put crack in the hood https://t.co/hqEv7wYUSj
— Billy Jarrett (@billyjarrettugh) May 22, 2024

And THAT right there is an admission of many guilts https://t.co/MvVDlJH458
— Hodan (@hyfreelance) May 21, 2024

Can you imagine fighting for your life and you look at a wholesome Caribbean Aunty for help and she says "choke him …give him a choke" https://t.co/6wDHFjTGnn
— Oxtail Gravy (@NicoSuaveA) May 22, 2024

NBA games on TNT are like going over to your friend's house as a kid and NBA games on ESPN are like going over to your weird aunt and uncle's house who don't own a TV and go to sleep at 8 PM. Just completely different auras.
— Velodus (@velodus) May 21, 2024

May 22

pic.twitter.com/Ryys7VX14z
— Darwin (@DLgodlessbitch) May 22, 2024

One of my favorite live TV moments ever and the perfect display of their chemistry. The way Chuck stops mid sentence and says "come on." The way Shaq and Kenny die laughing. The way Ernie takes the wheel without skipping a beat. This show is the best. pic.twitter.com/sNrnxYKYIL
— Jason Gallagher (@jga41agher) May 22, 2024

Kenny: [45 second sermon on the future of the NBA]

Chuck: pic.twitter.com/e4GqvPsWBV
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) May 22, 2024

End game. pic.twitter.com/60J9ccWE4G
— Boyd Huppert (@BoydHuppert) May 22, 2024

So you don't like my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls? Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
— Granite Man 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (@GraniteDhuine) May 22, 2024

all of them thanking the monkey is such a dumb joke but it takes me out every time 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/t3DXGQqWKA
— libby 🍉 (@sinnedsystem) May 22, 2024

I don't know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 23, 2024

holy shit, this rolling stone interview with kid rock is insane

like everybody knows dudes an asshole, but it's not just that; *he's a fuckin hive of brain parasites*

he's legitimately fucking *nuts*

link below pic.twitter.com/IadIMQODgK
— Miss Gender (@girldrawsghosts) May 22, 2024

https://t.co/Nz69ClOqhI pic.twitter.com/kA2qy9P0Su
— sleepiest girl in the whole wide world (@v_dcknz) May 23, 2024

Mr brain is completely rotted at this point pic.twitter.com/NnspImRajl
— Bitchy Witch (@TraderGoys) May 23, 2024

doctor asked me when my last pap smear was and i had to pull out my phone and google "ray liotta death" because i knew it was on the same day
— 🦫 ᔕᗩᖇᗩᕼ 🦫 (@rodentsheriff) May 22, 2024

(Exclusive) pic.twitter.com/BBgI8rNYeD
— Expanding Dan, a Steely Dan newsletter (@ExpandingDan) May 22, 2024

The organ player is cold blooded… pic.twitter.com/4vJ3U4LpW0
— Eric Staniford (@EricStaniford) May 22, 2024

life with no parole pic.twitter.com/aBPgjKF8sk
— NOLITA DIRTBAG (@DirtbagNolita) May 23, 2024

remove jennifer from the group chat https://t.co/Do9nAu7EAX
— Mel (@msmelmill) May 22, 2024

If I owe you an email, imagine what I owe myself
— Ivie Ani (@ivieani) May 22, 2024

this might be the most wholesome update I've ever seen. 🥹 pic.twitter.com/ID4CkfO5uk
— Sassington, M.C. (@MissSassbox) May 23, 2024

category is: things i need pic.twitter.com/YGqJII3KQH
— redacted (@aquariusdays) May 22, 2024

So if people keep stealing from stores it'll create more jobs 🧐🧐🧐 https://t.co/9YMVHTUykJ
— Boom🇵🇸 (@216doe) May 22, 2024

🤷🏻‍♂️ https://t.co/dNu7zmkQ6a pic.twitter.com/cu3uScVhzF
— Adam Carlson (@admcrlsn) May 22, 2024

May 23

how do you get up in the morning and put your pants on pic.twitter.com/A3C2AWEolh
— Brennan Murphy (@brenonade) May 23, 2024

This was the coolest possible thing to say https://t.co/XiKzAQjoe3
— Matt Post (@MattPostSaysHi) May 23, 2024

the American economy summed up in two tweets. pic.twitter.com/CbzOAevBk3
— ally (@missmayn) May 24, 2024

No, but seriously pic.twitter.com/t4nngTDi4k
— kateyrich (@kateyrich) May 23, 2024

if a beer is 8 bucks it's a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it's a concert https://t.co/zWjdK8Ky3t
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 23, 2024

Absurd pic.twitter.com/nnTBv2JoR6
— 🔥 🏠 with a Y 🏠 🔥 (@wyntermitchell) May 23, 2024

………… pic.twitter.com/L2wkJUuMnE
— Kenny Akers (@KeneAkers) May 23, 2024

https://t.co/DJVzbDu4Aw pic.twitter.com/MJJ9jGxKl5
— blaxsheep (@blaxsheep2) May 23, 2024

💅 pic.twitter.com/BXdFUhzbxZ
— Michelle Kay Camp (@freelancelawmom) May 23, 2024

Vampire Weekend (2008) pic.twitter.com/zk9uplVLhN
— Charly Bliss (@charlybliss) May 23, 2024

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it's going down here...
— Warren (@swd2) May 23, 2024

I'm crying laughing 😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dd0Cs5zzHg
— South Dallas Foodie (@SouthDallasFood) May 23, 2024

they made his bald ass head the "O" pic.twitter.com/LGwy2QLX37
— samuel (@samtrayter) May 23, 2024

Well, Tavaris started today's Wheel of Fortune episode (#7999) off with a bang not even 60 seconds in! What a treat being in the audience for this along with 70 other past contestants. The crew implied it was going to be censored when it aired! #WheelofFortune #RightInTheButt pic.twitter.com/ReDMVcMpjt
— WheelRob (@WheelRob10) May 23, 2024

drake: i think i made my point 😏

every pool party, pickleball tournament, potluck, corporate retreat, and farmers market for the rest of the summer: pic.twitter.com/GiEoiyTYe6
— Stolen Dune (@StolenDans) May 23, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 24, 2024

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