To this day, what does the CDC say, my 8yo on our way, Christopher Walken’s fake birthday, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 1

I will always shoot the messenger. He shouldn’t have told me that
— Darth Erogenous (@darth_erogenous) March 1, 2024

I think if you use your phone in a theater after the trailers end and the actual movie starts, you should go to jail forever https://t.co/hMzgijpBuJ
— Doug Carlin from Deja Vu Actualities (@Douggernaut_2) March 1, 2024

Me: Opens Twitter. Starts reading a tweet at the top of my timeline.

Twitter: OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T. REFRESH! REFRESH! REFRESH! YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO FIND THAT TWEET EVER AGAIN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 1, 2024

Historically when you have to airdrop aid to get it past a blockade it usually means you are circumventing an enemy, not an ally https://t.co/4l3Xm8qNp9
— Shiv Ramdas Buk Riter (@nameshiv) March 2, 2024

The Never Surrender sneakers just surrendered 75% of their price. pic.twitter.com/89Z7qOQEgT
— Bob Clendenin (@DoctorTomG) March 1, 2024

I saw this guy wearing a MAGA hat in the store, with some lady, he’s on his cell phone and says, “I’m running late at the gym Susan, I’ll be right there.”

I yelled out, “No he’s not Susan, he’s at the store with another lady.”

Nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
— Harris (@GrandpaHarris65) March 1, 2024

In 2026, as it turns out. https://t.co/xANK9erf5W
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) March 1, 2024

can she start being a drag queen again i’m sick of her acting like she owns a tech company https://t.co/H0hBqAgPUx
— masseduction (@m8ss3ducti0n) March 2, 2024

I have been at conferences with many tools who will offer real time feedback https://t.co/DtxWLZfuyh
— Kassie Jo Baron (@Kassie_Jo_Baron) March 1, 2024

Best thing you will see today: Richard Lewis damn near killing Conan O’Brien by describing what it was like to see Shaq’s penis. pic.twitter.com/ENnYCA5TJj
— Jimmy Traina (@JimmyTraina) March 1, 2024

I could watch this 100 times. Oh, dear Richie. How could you have left the stage before we were ready to say good-bye? https://t.co/DaWWBjHb9J
— Robert B. Weide (@BobWeide) March 1, 2024

lol congrats to all those “everyone must go back to the office” folks on an exciting year ahead https://t.co/zmCjCdwpE1
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 2, 2024

CDC says you can stop isolating if your boss needs the money
— tanya (@Tanya_Sabrinaaa) March 2, 2024

What you need to understand is that Covid hasn’t changed. It’s not any safer than it was. There is no medical or scientific data driving this decision. It’s just capitalism.

It is as dangerous as it was when you were masking and staying home.

This should radicalize you. https://t.co/yd9DrZJebc
— Myk - 🇺🇦🌻🇵🇸🍉 - Here To Help (@mykola) March 2, 2024

The CDC is now recommending that if you begin to die, you should work overtime to fit in as many hours as possible first
— Jorts (and Jean) (@JortsTheCat) March 2, 2024

Let’s see what’s going on at over r/burgers pic.twitter.com/bPei4IOXxp
— Jason Pargin, author of John Dies at the End, etc (@JasonKPargin) March 1, 2024

Been going to therapy. I'm still a huge asshole but I use the word "boundaries" a lot more
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) March 1, 2024

March 2

being an adult is so embarrassing. “guys I’ve been doing a good job sleeping lately.” Jesus christ.
— Amy A (@lolennui) March 2, 2024

if the dog puts himself to bed before i've said it's time for bed i figure it's probably time for bed for both of us. generally speaking i think whichever of us has the idea first is correct
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) March 2, 2024

Bizarre Assemblage Of Shapes Visible Through Area Man's Pockets https://t.co/EVZZWTDuEz
— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 3, 2024

What if this whole thing turned out to be glaucoma pic.twitter.com/1rmoECCfXG
— Anna Merlan (@annamerlan) March 2, 2024

https://t.co/tDdYt88XCV pic.twitter.com/8AQQes3yXF
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 2, 2024

I miss Jeff Van Gundy on these broadcasts because we’ll never get to see JJ Redick’s face after he spends 30 seconds talking about flex cut angles and JVG responds with a story about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) March 3, 2024

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don't know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more...
— Steven (with a ph) (@SJKSalisbury) March 2, 2024

Imagine being the teller that had to explain to this lunatic why he couldn’t cash his Trump Bucks. https://t.co/dfP4yLikTL pic.twitter.com/OddJICnAnA
— Jean-Michel Connard (@torriangray) March 2, 2024

A man was found guilty in a court of law of sexually assaulting a woman and then repeatedly defaming her.

Many of you are planning on voting for him for president.

What exactly is wrong with you?
— John Pavlovitz (@johnpavlovitz) March 2, 2024

influencers are just modern day avon ladies
— kim (@therealkimj) March 2, 2024

Happy Lou Reed Day pic.twitter.com/lmBdYclECG
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) March 2, 2024

good luck tomorrow everyone pic.twitter.com/3Ilda7WxRd
— Boomer Necromancer (@Fiaclaa) March 2, 2024

March 3

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 3, 2024

I swear if you close your eyes, you could convince yourself Mickey Mouse has just broken the 400m indoor world record for Netherlands… pic.twitter.com/GyEbYSYn3H
— Bairdric (@Bairdric1) March 3, 2024

i’ve adopted the boomer ellipses……very satisfying……i see why they do this……..
— Molly McGhee ✨ (@mollymcghee) March 3, 2024

If you copy and paste the entire job description into your resume they have to hire you. What more could they want
— Borscht the T is silent (@InternetHippo) March 4, 2024

this is like when i found out beastie boys invented the word mullet https://t.co/ZrSnlGqp7G
— laura 🦠 (@ecto_fun) March 3, 2024

you won’t believe who he daps up https://t.co/nSHn8pMVPw
— cum area (@cumar3a) March 3, 2024

Said this before but "quiet part out loud" is from the Simpsons and now people say it to talk about democracy ending https://t.co/kbnHzV1JbM
— MistakenlyBlockedby@jackposobiec (@GarlicCorgi) March 3, 2024

Now I wanna https://t.co/EKsC6opmnr
— tara (@proletarat) March 3, 2024

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) March 3, 2024

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames https://t.co/VDbzRHS0tD
— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) March 3, 2024

No words smh pic.twitter.com/HBNydrC9Jt
— Henry Djoutsa 🇨🇲🇺🇸 Supports🇺🇦 (@D_jeneration) March 4, 2024

Yesterday in North Carolina we heard that Trump is still president but that Obama is in charge. pic.twitter.com/jnmJCOBXdm
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) March 3, 2024

Hey maga since Scotland is now accusing Trump of the same crimes that he committed in NY, who will you blame? Is it Biden’s fault? Or AG Braggs fault? Maybe George Soros? Or is it slightly possible that he really is a criminal?
— boricuabc (@boricuabc2) March 3, 2024

this is the funniest fucking thing ever oh my god https://t.co/XXDzkmxuON pic.twitter.com/spMRtArFvb
— Ren (@StanNajimi) March 3, 2024

March 4

This is such a great bit, I hope Walken got served a "Happy Birthday, Emperor" cake on the set of Dune https://t.co/nMKdi98NIR pic.twitter.com/LBD2OrvhFA
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) March 4, 2024

Always loved that this actor from The Burbs is credited as “Brother Theodore” but I finally looked him up and holy shit pic.twitter.com/b0M93AYXzb
— Justin🦩Boldaji (@justinboldaji) March 5, 2024

I've actually had people tell me these aren't real and I made them for internet points. They've clearly ignored the good practice of fact checking! I would NEVER make something like that up for internet points.

Anyway, here's another one I found. https://t.co/IHWiR61inO pic.twitter.com/Iwowh3PJdI
— Windy 🛸 (@heyitswindy) March 5, 2024

No one tells you how much of adulthood is bribing yourself with a little treat in order to stave off psychosis.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 4, 2024

oh my god pic.twitter.com/NNiH1ScDgC
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) March 4, 2024

I've been skeptical of AI... but wanted to see what the hype was about. have to admit I am blown away. pic.twitter.com/o4ry2yaibj
— @ratlimit (@ratlimit) March 4, 2024

masterful gambit, sir! pic.twitter.com/dard3RNvp5
— francis wolf (@francisxwolf) March 5, 2024

What the FUCK kind of response is this to the death of a cyclist hit by two cars? https://t.co/KSvCK25rLa pic.twitter.com/zkHuthcGGL
— Leigh Beadon (@leighbeadon) March 4, 2024

if vaccines caused autism we would have high speed rail
— medusa (@medusa_adsume) March 4, 2024

Whenever I see an article about soda being bad I'm like right. Exceptfor tiny can of ginger ale, surely ?
— raina (@quakerraina) March 4, 2024

John Candy died 30 years ago
Here’s his wonderful Orson Welles impersonation.
‘Move your camera’ pic.twitter.com/4p907lHpuu
— Tom Reagan’s Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) March 4, 2024

How about you develop some male pattern kindness
— Meth In June (@Meth_In_June) March 5, 2024

March 5

https://t.co/6W4nuOkYXV pic.twitter.com/ANyZkH9aMG
— michael kolberg (@mikeykolberg) March 5, 2024

I opened my Just For Laughs showcase this year with “I have cancer, this could be JFL’s last chance to book me”. In other news I’m now doing psychic readings.
— Duchess Gummybuns (@Kathleen_McGee) March 5, 2024

I did a taping for JFL in 2020 during covid rules that was 30% real audience and 70% mannequins. Before my set I saw a producer yelling at a PA that put makeup on the mannequins saying “we rented those things now we have to buy all the mannequins!” so maybe that’s what did it?
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) March 5, 2024

elon fans stop trying to reference Jeopardy. you’ve never seen it. there aren’t $100 questions, Deb. why would you do this. you don’t have to post about Jeopardy pic.twitter.com/JHnY85UZTh
— katie (@skatie420) March 5, 2024

Dozens affected! https://t.co/5dZeHrycyM
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) March 5, 2024

I invented talking to my girlfriend. We both have to get hammered though or it doesn’t work https://t.co/jlZhoHW3i6
— budum (@TimAllenItalian) March 5, 2024

(on a first date watching her bowl her ball right into the gutter) hey something just came up i have to leave it was nice meeting you
— Chris (@citehchris) March 5, 2024

This was not a piece of s***.
It worked when the electricity was out. It provided a Lifeline to the police or the fire department and in a pinch, you could beat someone to death with the receiver.

It's a Swiss Army phone. https://t.co/iu2z4AiFEY
— John Gerhardstein (@GerhardStein17) March 5, 2024

Do you guys remember when we had to share one desktop computer wіth the whole famіly
— gas statіon dream gіrl (@cheygoulet) March 5, 2024

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
— 😺Cat😺 (@CatHunterESPN) March 5, 2024

these celebrity partnerships are getting out of hand pic.twitter.com/yelMte53Wt
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) March 5, 2024

In September 1989, Bruce Willis hosted SNL. During his monologue he broke into a song and played the harmonica. The following week, Rick Moranis hosted and this was how he began his monologue. Legend. pic.twitter.com/euPLekt8Qn
— Joe Ramoni (@joeramoni) March 5, 2024

This is so fuckin funny, Norm blowing a scene in a Milos Forman movie because Woody Harrelson was acting too good pic.twitter.com/SzQdPzOKcN
— Justin🦩Boldaji (@justinboldaji) March 5, 2024

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
— Missy Martinez (@MissyXMartinez) March 5, 2024

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 5, 2024

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be in the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
— Fran (@whingewine) March 5, 2024

one of the most bizarre coincidences in music history. to this day, no one knows which album came first. pic.twitter.com/38y9hPZ4op
— jos (@josiahhughes) March 5, 2024

March 6

We're trying to come up with something stupider than this, but it isn't easy pic.twitter.com/V1ZNT9WWjP
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) March 6, 2024

I have to break my silence. Double Ds aren't even that big and I'm tired of pretending they are. If you can buy your bra from a normal store you aren't in my community
— raina (@quakerraina) March 7, 2024

Cassette tapes had an A side and a B side, so it makes sense that their successor would be the CD.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 6, 2024

the sound of music is kind of world war 2 school of rock
— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) March 6, 2024

The second video is taking me out pic.twitter.com/uSsV5dUdkp
— menace of color 🦂 (@lareinanegraa_) March 7, 2024

Well, shit. https://t.co/TP1LFEUa5i
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) March 6, 2024

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 6, 2024

If you're not putting oat milk in your oatmeal then you're not oatmaxing and I don't have time for unserious people
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) March 6, 2024

Once again, my favorite Moranis story is that this apparently shook George Carlin so bad that he changed his entire act. https://t.co/ft4dGPJsQA pic.twitter.com/j9F70ddmml
— Mashed Bortatoes (@GiantSizeBort) March 7, 2024

If you're worried about people remembering every embarrassing thing you did, think about it. Can you remember other people's embarrassing moments? No. That's because you're the only one who's ever done something embarrassing. What the fuck is wrong with you lmao
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) March 6, 2024

I HATE THAT NOWHERE ON THE INTERNET HAS EXACT SEARCH ANYMORE. YOU CAN PUT ALL THE DOUBLE QUOTES YOU WANT AND IT STILL FUZZY MATCHES OR STRAIGHT UP DOES """SYNONYMS""". GOOGLE SUCKS NOW. EVERYTHING SUCKS ENSHITTIFICATION OF EVERYTHING.
— jess (@jessfromonline) March 6, 2024

Trump's behavior during the January 6 attacks was disgraceful. Here's why I'm endorsing him for president in 2024.

by Mitch McConnell
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) March 6, 2024

Polls show that, somehow, most voters don’t know or have forgotten most of this, so here it is all in one place, as presented by @sethmeyers in tonight’s Closer Look: An overview of Donald Trump, the GOP nominee for president.

(And this is only a small fraction.) pic.twitter.com/Fic2H1cxAT
— Sal Gentile (@salgentile) March 7, 2024

You voted against it, Mikie. https://t.co/5klvfWDz4x
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) March 7, 2024

my main bias in life is that i think every person who talks a lot about self love, self care, being positive, etc. is a raging narcissist and psychopath. and i keep being proven right!
— P.E. Moskowitz (@_pem_pem) March 6, 2024

If my name were Richard, I would go by Hard.
— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) March 7, 2024

any time a cop hits his lights to run a yellow only to turn it off 600 feet away i feel like the city owes me one dollar of my taxes refunded
— lauren (@Very__Regular) March 6, 2024

it’s genuinely been so long since elon changed anything on twitter i completely forgot every single decision he makes in regard to twitter as a platform has been complete dog shit https://t.co/byQKv8Emoi
— beer person (@CantEverDie) March 7, 2024

A Couple Breaks Up at my Comedy Show (part 1) front row pic.twitter.com/9PdI5O8sSE
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) March 6, 2024

brain cancelling headphones
— The Sassiest Semite (@LittleMissLizz) March 7, 2024

this is huge pic.twitter.com/GgCIoDimFw
— Stolen Dune (@StolenDans) March 6, 2024

Gettin’ real weird over there https://t.co/ZwpxAD7bpr
— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) March 6, 2024

I think about this video often. Men are amazing :) pic.twitter.com/9MkyK6MUz0
— jill (@littlefucky) March 7, 2024

Most Canadian Media: Politics, elections, environmental concerns, policy changes

The National Post: Rejoice, unwoke citizens, for the death of DEI shall be announced with the glorious heaving of giant bazongas pic.twitter.com/Ms3RTEEmar
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) March 6, 2024

this is the rare opposite of “he doesn’t have a single song where he needs to be doing this” he has many songs where he needs to be doing this. https://t.co/D7IkOyvtwM
— cinnamon bun (@notsofiacoppola) March 7, 2024

March 7

Can Bruce’s Double D’s beat Woke? pic.twitter.com/RXTNAZFeXN
— Johnny Doiley (@jondaly) March 7, 2024

Of course the first daily newspaper to publish an op-ed about Sydney Sweeney's breasts ending wokeness was Canadian. Canada is the worst country in the world.
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) March 7, 2024

stop making tits and ass political. They transcend differences, they are the harbinger of peace
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 7, 2024

The Kennedy curse used to mean they died young now it means they didn’t. https://t.co/7jkaidg4CD
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) March 7, 2024

I have literally never in my entire life seen a worse answer than this.

Q: So you hung out with this shitty guy?

RFK, JR.: Buddy, I hang out with *every* shitty guy. https://t.co/LnOkTbk50f
— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) March 7, 2024

having deposited her egg, the great plane returns to the sky, after what is likely to be her final breeding season. A individual of this size might be a hundred years old, and this offspring could very well be one of her last https://t.co/y3ucmhglcO
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) March 7, 2024

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) March 7, 2024

Helpful juxtaposition pic.twitter.com/LImVw6cD5z
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) March 7, 2024

am I tripping? He just said he don’t wanna neglect children so he avoids having them and y’all saying he a terrible person I’m confused 😭😭😭😭😭 https://t.co/LXiNLiXIbA
— fatou (@VICKIAHNA) March 7, 2024

Getting older means your arm must be in a certain position before going to bed so you'll have full use of it the next day.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 7, 2024

lol pic.twitter.com/4DrE9MNVIk
— chris randle (@randlechris) March 7, 2024

evangelicals: "you should come to my church, we have cool music and a really positive and uplifting message"

catholics: https://t.co/AXujdAbP7u
— Mason Mennenga (@masonmennenga) March 7, 2024

Who was the most famous woman with a book club? She’s darker than a paper bag, but what was her name??? https://t.co/jBObv8aduP
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 7, 2024

my therapist asked what made me happy recently and I told her about when I signed a receipt and the pen wrote so smooth I audibly said “oh hell yeah” and she sighed for like 30 seconds
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 7, 2024

Bidens reaction, the camera pan, the hat.
10/10 no notes, comedy gold pic.twitter.com/KA7EoscffP
— Maya Luna (@RealMayaLuna) March 8, 2024

Does the back of Biden's blazer have a screen playing Pornhub? pic.twitter.com/8mVe7z6WiM
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 8, 2024

He looks like the stripper at a bachelorette party where everybody gets Covid https://t.co/8YwNmT6H0m
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 8, 2024

I am DYING over the intense delivery of every single syllable here. pic.twitter.com/4LIA8XGt4v
— Justin Baragona (@justinbaragona) March 8, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 8, 2024

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