Finally posting this, neck tightness, paper in chocolate kisses, I hate the way that you dress, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

June 7

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
— Luke Kennard (@LukeKennard) June 7, 2024

most common visual signifier for cheese is a little yellow wedge with big holes in it. but the cheeses that have big holes in them aren't generally yellow, and the cheeses that are generally yellow don't have big holes in them. and we just accept this?
— ben (unintelligible) flores (@limitlessjest) June 8, 2024

Top 2 if we being honest https://t.co/Lryk6O2ltq pic.twitter.com/DRsJIs4zrU
— gay rights cereal (@foreverimbetter) June 7, 2024

I'm campaigning for slapping more Gen Zs. Everybody ain't playing with you. 💀 https://t.co/uOV32k8RW5
— Platini 🦁🍽️ (@Platini_954) June 7, 2024

i mean - https://t.co/iKTTNOCRS7 pic.twitter.com/EbCpJ7gWOp
— raMEANa (@Ramina1690) June 7, 2024

Easily one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed on this site pic.twitter.com/OTWMgu0WDe
— keyvan (@still_oppressed) June 7, 2024

Actually quite disgusted at myself pic.twitter.com/etsf3r2lLt
— Alex (@puncheonsbelt) June 7, 2024

https://t.co/N7gwVRwhuM pic.twitter.com/h9XjLOr3Nz
— Ricky Spanish (@_TheUnserious) June 7, 2024

Plumbers looking at this pic like "my culture is not a costume" https://t.co/gPyI0tRRHG
— T (@Tobincii) June 7, 2024

let me go kiss my bottle of tylenol and show some gratitude https://t.co/V8DX6XQgvy
— DiscussingFilm (@iloveiyosias) June 7, 2024

June 8

I miss 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me.
— ⊹٭𝚆𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚌𝚔٭⊹ (@metickleu) June 9, 2024

what if reeses cups moaned when you pulled their little panties off
— Vivian (@suchnerve) June 8, 2024

i am honestly very here for the nicola coughlan bandwagon; she's on a massive press tour and the two biggest messages from her have been free palestine and enjoy the tiddies - absolutely iconic behaviour https://t.co/3P59ofCbta
— hey chuckles (@NoeticVice) June 8, 2024

This is more gay than gay sex https://t.co/FY9pTWial5
— nicole (@nicolephathole2) June 8, 2024

Dead ass the funniest non player in the league
pic.twitter.com/UuDNa1JH29
— Mark Jackson's Burner (@casualtakeking) June 9, 2024

https://t.co/m7YQJLQYnz pic.twitter.com/DflcqGrsjR
— OnlyDans 🇵🇸 (@IchNichtenLich) June 8, 2024

This type of Saturday pic.twitter.com/ovdHbZxZKa
— Cheapie13 (@Cheapie13) June 8, 2024

https://t.co/lMCVk9GSDR pic.twitter.com/OGQk8rGafL
— Daniel Gonzales (@dgonzales1990) June 8, 2024

Really can't see the fucking screen mate https://t.co/FShAzT5UAj
— pry0cc (@pry0cc) June 8, 2024

found out the other day that my printer is subscription based… meaning i cannot print anything (even though i have a physical printer with ink inside of it) unless i subscribe to pay monthly 🙂 what the fuck https://t.co/NEzJELdnJP
— kayla reads 📚 (@veretianbxtch) June 9, 2024

Heh. pic.twitter.com/waynpHV2nV
— Francis-Xavier Martins 💙 (@Polyjunky) June 8, 2024

Create a new folder? Don't mind if I do. A folder within that folder? Hell yeah.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 8, 2024

having a sister in the medical field is so funny. she's like "today i delivered a baby and assisted in a surgery that will fundamentally improve someone's quality of life" and i'm like "i made a spreadsheet worse than how i found it"
— chase (@_chase_____) June 8, 2024

https://t.co/aPIwC7cGLZ pic.twitter.com/YMWgPwwhmx
— Dennis B. Hooper (@dennisbhooper) June 8, 2024

BREAKING | Take Back Alberta hosts car wash fundraiser in support of Calgary water crisis victims pic.twitter.com/PN2SV5Gbgz
— Western Standard Pitchbot (@WesternStd) June 8, 2024

Mistakenly booked a two bedroom hotel, I'm gonna set an alarm for 2:30am and go sleep in the other room.
— benzema (@K_AGISO) June 8, 2024

June 9

The female version of a Jack of all Trades is a Jill of all Skills
— Claire Penis (@ZeroSuitCamus) June 9, 2024

this is actually the best paragraph ever written about a men's restroom https://t.co/xTPMVgMMQP pic.twitter.com/uBAK6n8zzf
— keegan (@FranziaMom) June 10, 2024

This is John Myth https://t.co/fxdnJkBkJh
— Grip Bayless🫵🏾 (@talleyberrybaby) June 9, 2024

This is what they do to him when he goes to the Scientology center. He powers the entire building himself. That's why they won't let him go. https://t.co/TGc4TXVhLJ
— Maung Thuta (@CypressDahlia) June 9, 2024

Imagine you work ya 9-5 job and go to the gym after to blow some steam off and hoop with the homies … Now you gotta guard Steph Curry pic.twitter.com/fd4g3iBKUG
— Maybe: Jacoby (@Getthebagcoach) June 9, 2024

Hotel check in/check out times will never make sense to me. You want me to check in when the day is almost over but I should leave the hotel EARLY?
— ً ؘ (@j_ldn__) June 9, 2024

The way he consistently misses cultural conversations should be studied https://t.co/dZgsWHqau3
— Hi I'm Solomon (@solomonmissouri) June 10, 2024

Not gonna lie, everyone cancelling adobe all at once and tanking their stock considerably DAYS before their earnings report where no amount of sweet talk would save them is the kind of karma I wish to see.
— Lissy Marlin (@Lazyfishyart) June 9, 2024

"I hate the way that you dress." https://t.co/5ferIFl2Rh
— Charles Preston (@_CharlesPreston) June 10, 2024

Oakland last night 😂 this the song of the summer pic.twitter.com/gq3Sr413fk
— MAINTAIN THE MYSTERY 🏁🦓🐘🦍 (@DeMarcoSmith) June 9, 2024

So Drake sent YN a rat emoji suggesting he leaked the Family Matters info to Kendrick? But didn't Drake say he intentionally leaked the false info to Kendrick himself??? Hm.
— David Dennis Jr. (@DavidDTSS) June 9, 2024

It has started…

pic.twitter.com/7YGu3yS6wT https://t.co/AlozstjYWJ
— Pweetty_b ⁷ (@Pwettybanz) June 9, 2024

https://t.co/bzPmicBicY pic.twitter.com/pIKGtJcSov
— Jordan A. Hayles (@MR_STiXX) June 9, 2024

https://t.co/I8IPuWjbMC pic.twitter.com/JbAl64RDCz
— lake (@rhaenicently) June 9, 2024

pic.twitter.com/rfswcZH1Zc
— nicole (@nicolephathole2) June 9, 2024

pic.twitter.com/kJ8NLnr9nX
— Shannon (@shay3322) June 9, 2024

open the schools! pic.twitter.com/2nI9kfngzJ
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) June 9, 2024

my lesbian friend who's stuck on pride float with a dozen gay men: pic.twitter.com/VWeUOZdDhP
— charles r. davis (@charizardavis) June 9, 2024

MTG: "If you think gas prices are high now, wait til they make you buy an electric vehicle."
You can't make this crap up.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) June 9, 2024

This is like listening to your senile uncle at the dinner table after he has that third drink. https://t.co/lLEnQ8vXWn
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) June 9, 2024

Latinos for Trump pic.twitter.com/GwdQAI5hQq
— Anita (@AnitaM86) June 9, 2024

June 10

I bought this stupid 'murica ice cream only to open it up and start laughing because it just occurred to me that it's the fucking French flag. pic.twitter.com/c2DOHXOke9
— Slant16Gamer (@Slant16Gamer) June 10, 2024

immigration officer to me at JFK today: Why do you live in America?

me to immigration officer: Frankly that's a question I ask myself every day

Immigration officer (straight face): No I don't mean existentially, I'm asking what you do here in the United States

me: oh
— Zahra Hankir (@ZahraHankir) June 11, 2024

like that's him… that's the 76er https://t.co/S4LfkkjPfi
— leviya (@lisco_2000) June 11, 2024

that's usually how it works https://t.co/AhUD7rntFt
— Chris Towers is the Riley Greene Preservation Soc (@CTowersCBS) June 11, 2024

https://t.co/9Cr1pe3fhr pic.twitter.com/DS45vIwD88
— co (@ceauxrt) June 10, 2024

pic.twitter.com/712mcZdT28
— Ennui'd (@BradLeeOnBass) June 10, 2024

The kids can't read and now they won't know how to do math, this is bad!!! https://t.co/HLkLhkYGsS
— J. 🌴 (@KaliforniJAY) June 10, 2024

Call me crazy but in ten years, being able to read and write on a normal level will be considered a skill.
— ege (@egeofanatolia) June 10, 2024

"The axe forgets but the tree remembers" is real... https://t.co/bNoRwQEQ43
— Parenting Decolonized (she/her) (@prntgdcolonized) June 10, 2024

watching the ticker go up as I help eliminate waste from disposable plastic bottles pic.twitter.com/yrYEJol2cT
— midwest woke mob boss (@rustbeltenjoyer) June 11, 2024

good morning pic.twitter.com/j2DajPDTHH
— Pablo Rochat (@PabloRochat) June 10, 2024

This needs to be repeated over and over and over again. pic.twitter.com/sTea9T2zbX
— Ronnigasm (@LoveFromRonni) June 10, 2024

Can't be a progressive anymore. Because of stroke https://t.co/KxS5vUZLO5
— Lily 🏳️‍⚧️🐇 (@Smomiii) June 10, 2024

I was going to vote for President Biden.

But after Donald Trump's rally yesterday where he talked about a boat sinking and an underwater battery and getting electrocuted & sharks in the water.

I don't know. I'm on the fence.
— Evan (@daviddunn177) June 10, 2024

Hunter Biden feeling such a genuine sense of calm while smoking crack with prostitutes that his default band for such scenarios became Fleet Foxes is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Brings to mind the image of a monk, meditating in the eye of a hurricane
— my life is a living hell. every minute is torture (@on_da_spectrum) June 10, 2024

Baby it was! We danced. Our hair sweated out. Our makeup was moist. Our feet hurt. People weren't concerned about getting posted on social media, so we were able to be present and live in the moment. It was hot...and fun. There were even places to sit without paying for bottles. https://t.co/iB2iSRBjWt
— Parenting Decolonized (she/her) (@prntgdcolonized) June 10, 2024

Look how nobody having fun bc Drake won't let them play the song of the summer 💀🤣 https://t.co/KUoKxEeqFU
— 𝐙 (@ZCherAime) June 10, 2024

WWE Wrestlers are drag queens for straight men. I will not be taking further questions at this time thank you https://t.co/JfQ7ce8Ump
— RunnerEye (@RunnerEyeYT) June 10, 2024

https://t.co/zWHDfGWeV6 pic.twitter.com/ud1R1tRti7
— Noah (@Nwnysb) June 11, 2024

...ok? https://t.co/7y6IcZwQ0q
— Schaffrillas (@Schaffrillas) June 10, 2024

June 11

THIS IS CRAZYYY…. pic.twitter.com/MFojMV63qk
— SPOON𐙚 (@SPOONGRANDE) June 11, 2024

by god she will be on a plane one way or another https://t.co/uHFq7WikAo
— 𖦹 sh⭑wn! (@sshawnnnnnnnnnn) June 11, 2024

Accurate. pic.twitter.com/hrAFwLOTF3
— ADAM (@AdameMedia) June 11, 2024

A real illness I have is I still think "if I just make sure people have the right information then they will change their mind."
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) June 11, 2024

What a terrible day at work. Time to relax and read what thousands of mentally ill strangers all think about every single contentious topic around
— Dan (@leathergregory) June 11, 2024

I married my husband this week! Here's just 10 of the reasons he SUCKS https://t.co/uvAKErhdNv
— dew (@99percent_off_) June 11, 2024

https://t.co/fXTAQ0mMyJ pic.twitter.com/XLed4MQbWA
— 𝕯𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖘 (@EmmaTolkin) June 11, 2024

Watching it live, you absolutely knew it was a torn medial retinaculum.

You were just hoping it didn't allow the dislocation of the posterior tibialis tendon. https://t.co/llZrddutJj
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) June 11, 2024

I think Toronto residents having access to a little disposable income would bring the downtown back to life more than forcing people in the suburbs to commute every day but maybe I'm just a hater. https://t.co/BrffFday5Z
— Eric Wickham (@ES_Wickham) June 11, 2024

come on. this isn't a mystery. you pay 200 dollars to sit in the nosebleeds, you're in a fucking hockey arena with zero vibes, beer costs 20 dollars a pint and the sound is shit. it's a hockey game with no hockey. it's an empty, corporate experience so people are skipping it. https://t.co/cAEMsDwY9r
— torqy and the rain (@torquilcampbell) June 11, 2024

Late stage capitalism doesn't get enough credit for occasionally being pretty funny https://t.co/z34yOEnpWT
— stoobs (@thejstoobs) June 12, 2024

everything is just Movie: the TV Show, based on Book https://t.co/M7JoEDEEto
— Niko Stratis (@nikostratis) June 11, 2024

I don't want an iPhone with chatgpt, I want an iPhone that won't be killed by planned obsolescence in 18 months.
— Librarianshipwreck (@libshipwreck) June 11, 2024

Oh hi I am Microsoft, the world's most valuable company, a title I have held intermittently since 1998. I am especially known for my dominant hold on enterprise software.

You now have two email applications, named "Outlook" and "Outlook (new)." This is very professional.
— Alan Cole (@AlanMCole) June 11, 2024

Oh yeah it's a Brat summer https://t.co/ZUaoHxA0je pic.twitter.com/dGzgW4jkuJ
— Kevin Mullet (@KevMagnet) June 11, 2024

be an ally pic.twitter.com/6aryRWCQ59
— Terminally Online Leftist 🥂 (@terminallyOL) June 11, 2024

This is what the Kennedy's were made for: no-stakes charisma with a veneer of old-world, anglophilic sophistication slapped on. They never should have had the nuclear codes; they just needed to have TikTok. https://t.co/WwYAl6GNc2
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) June 11, 2024

https://t.co/kKKaGwsgCf pic.twitter.com/lcD3UJlg3R
— clara ⭐️ (@kendallroyz) June 11, 2024

6 months https://t.co/t7xzDG4ZSJ
— tentyp ◣ ◢ (@tentyp14) June 11, 2024

elon: let's allow porn

software engineer: um ok?

elon: *walking back into the room 5 minutes later* hey can everyone see likes?
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 12, 2024

"you coming over? if not, I'll just take some tranquilizers" really good text https://t.co/x2eztUs946
— Alex Press (@alexnpress) June 12, 2024

That ozempic is tearing yall stomach linings UP https://t.co/26RyjqEi1z
— GET UP 😩 (@wyetthasspoken) June 12, 2024

June 12

Will Smith could slap 50 babies and still be more beloved than Rob Schneider. https://t.co/qUCq86TTM4
— Pugmane🐾 🐛 🥫 (@pugmane) June 12, 2024

Jay didn't perform at any Hip Hop 50 concerts last year where the fans would've known every word to his songs, but he makes time to get ignored by rich folks smh. https://t.co/IAdJjplBl8
— Ruben || Check the Rhyme (@checktherhyme1_) June 13, 2024

"There's no money in the arts." Oh, there is. It just goes to all the wrong places. https://t.co/r1WV0UWtsn
— Lincoln Michel (@TheLincoln) June 12, 2024

i bought a new car battery and it was like $220 and the girl at auto zone said "wanna see how much it would cost if you needed 99 of them?" and i said "okay" so she typed 99 in the quantity and the price went to $23000 and she said "thats how much it would cost" and i said "okay"
— buck tooth cunt (@Royal_McPoyle) June 13, 2024

At the risk of siding with Joe Rogan on anything, I did hear this from a comic, years ago. He said Robin would do your joke, walk offstage, apologize and pay you cash on the spot. Which in and of itself is a pretty good bit. https://t.co/IfBjdGsqT0
— Mulvaholland Drive (@Seinpeaks) June 12, 2024

just gonna watch this for the rest of the night ✌️ pic.twitter.com/w3La2EgF1l
— nick (@nick_pants) June 13, 2024

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/xTSNCkCXOK
— BRack (@GREASESTAlNS) June 12, 2024

He tried to overthrow the government of the United States https://t.co/0vaVCRhvKO
— beckography (@beckography22) June 13, 2024

I never knew this entire scene was directly quoting an actual former US president pic.twitter.com/BTcP1UsdeW
— ActionMovieDad (@ActionMovieKid) June 12, 2024

https://t.co/qUkXAf9yvU pic.twitter.com/uRFZgi7kCe
— Joy ★🏳️‍⚧️ (@illjoy_) June 13, 2024

How is Adonis supposed to go to birthday parties anymore 😭 https://t.co/tPrXUKbNvb
— Wost🐰 (@mosthiphop) June 13, 2024

Nah man I had to add Meet the Grahams beat to this one this is insane 😬😭

pic.twitter.com/BF19vIXuXU https://t.co/rsuD7vBuP5
— GoldenKnight (@GoldenKnightGFX) June 13, 2024

One day Luka Doncic will have a statue in Dallas that looks like this pic.twitter.com/T79ePGuSLU
— Hubie Talks Hoops (@HubieTalksHoops) June 13, 2024

Luka Doncic watching the end of the game from the bench pic.twitter.com/hFgzlDfmgP
— Hater Report (@HaterReport_) June 13, 2024

Jerry West checking out early to avoid seeing another Celtics championship is god-tier hater.
— Jordan (@SLCLunk) June 12, 2024

Should've been done a long time ago, but let's go! pic.twitter.com/badqM1fYcC
— James Tate (@JamesTate121) June 12, 2024

i'm not sure i've ever seen a dril tweet executed so well in real life like this. 10/10 https://t.co/pm59qTxE7B
— M Y A S S I N J A C K P O T (@vodkasnowflake) June 12, 2024

Yeah https://t.co/9gyOGGdM2F
— fig (@fignewport) June 12, 2024

Imagine going to the club in 1970 to hang with your friends and a band you've never heard of called Kraftwerk is playing and they ruin your night by inventing techno music pic.twitter.com/sSN5CrGfLc
— Claire Penis (@ZeroSuitCamus) June 13, 2024

I never updated Twitter on my phone. It's still called Twitter. The bird is still here. I can see everyone's likes. It's fun. pic.twitter.com/rVzZjviJ1z
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) June 13, 2024

Hey Genius @elonmusk ,

If I didn't want people to know that I like something I wouldn't have liked it in the first place.

I don't need to hide anything.
— CoffeyTimeNews (@CoffeyTimeNews) June 12, 2024

Now that twitter likes are private, there's a man who is currently scrolling through my media tab and liking every boob selfie. He just reached 2021. Huge day for him. pic.twitter.com/doD5oTQLfr
— cinnamon bun (@notsofiacoppola) June 12, 2024

RIP to one of the great moments on this website https://t.co/pnsTStHLZ2 pic.twitter.com/9FuaOKjjGK
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) June 12, 2024

🎯 pic.twitter.com/TPsAXtxzvq
— Onion Weigher 𓄽 𓍝 (@onionweigher) June 12, 2024

excited for next month when the "hide likes" feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) June 12, 2024

finally posting this for you freaks now that likes are private pic.twitter.com/stucR2IsZu
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 12, 2024

We on that front leg rn https://t.co/WFSUaspi2x
— Bitch of a Nation (@Lilalita3) June 12, 2024

Big fan of people typing "liked" under tweets signifying they liked the tweet, funniest outcome of this update
— Rel (@DewEnjoyer) June 13, 2024

Holy fucking shit pic.twitter.com/0R22tNfm8a
— Lauren McKenzie (@TheMcKenziest) June 13, 2024

You… you know pic.twitter.com/OmoufFmaLt
— Rob Fox III (@RobFoxThree) June 13, 2024

*socially engineers a country which is only 5.5% female*

"IDK guys, there's something about this place that has a bit of a gay vibe to it." https://t.co/RS5KPVdY23
— Open Source Stupidity (OSSTU) Starfish (@IRHotTakes) June 12, 2024

June 13

what the pope drinks while he listens to brat https://t.co/YkOvAGWUK4
— mount bellyache (@mountbellyache) June 13, 2024

he's just like me pic.twitter.com/rlkp2WxA2O
— Louis Staples (@LouisStaples) June 13, 2024

It's bring your felon to work day. pic.twitter.com/XNMu6JQ2d8
— Adam Schiff (@AdamSchiff) June 13, 2024

that people think Donald Trump is younger in a meaningful way than Joe Biden is fucking crazy https://t.co/8o5CXSjPSr
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) June 13, 2024

santa claus ass tweet https://t.co/OHu534XD1v
— Soggy Broccoli (@soggybrocoli) June 13, 2024

mavs 0-3 since they took away luka's beer pic.twitter.com/Zap3CRRfHZ
— baber (@bakerbakerbaker) June 13, 2024

"The actors don't have encylcopedic knowledge of the franchise! Oh noooo!"

Harrison Ford: https://t.co/coJRafP95N pic.twitter.com/jS5IczGQeY
— 🇵🇸The Nerd Just Finished Dressrosa🇵🇸 (@TheNerdWASuit) June 13, 2024

Not a JENtervention https://t.co/GYkX14eXRt
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) June 13, 2024

This is a typo right?????????? What do you mean you're paying humans $2.95 and hour????? https://t.co/mjpQbHnwkY
— Make Oxtail Cheap Again (@simsimmaaz) June 13, 2024

"That little motherfucker gets me every time." pic.twitter.com/16TOcFqAQk
— Russ Fischer (@russfischer) June 13, 2024

this would be my last straw with the internet and i'm so serious https://t.co/50ft8lNVcO
— Kemi Marie (they/them) (@kemimarie) June 13, 2024

"I wanted to show that nature can still beat the machine and that there is still merit in real work from real creatives." https://t.co/DWndcCmjM3
— Jordan Collver (@JordanCollver) June 13, 2024

The world desperately needs Americans to stop getting on planes and treating themselves to other countries like they're Instagram snacks. The oceans are boiling and there are no adults in any rooms.
— holly (@girlziplocked) June 13, 2024

Believe Women https://t.co/EoXAHPSwWU
— Sydney (@sydneyelainexo) June 13, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: June 14, 2024

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