What's the second hand for, Guillermo del Toro tweets at Toronto's mayor, there is no law anymore, I heard "morals of an alley cat" before, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

June 28

I haven't been able to banish this from my mind since I first saw it, so I may as well post it again.

Good morning. pic.twitter.com/9NMSyvSxIt
— James Hogg 🖋 (@JamesAHogg2) June 28, 2024

https://t.co/Z8W3eyAwDZ pic.twitter.com/bYZJg4owVw
— sarah (@sablaah) June 28, 2024

Bartender last night was a fucking asshole. Anybody recognize this guy? pic.twitter.com/w0MWuTYlDP
— peach! (@impeachpicnic) June 29, 2024

Gilda Radner would have turned 78 years old today.

I often think of the sketch.

The night she died, Steve Martin tossed his monologue and with a heavy heart paid tribute to her with their classic: Dancing in the Dark.

pic.twitter.com/8mnl6dfX3z
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) June 28, 2024

Wait until you find out who was mayor of Calgary from 2010 to 2021. https://t.co/0MFVGKTgnA
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) June 28, 2024

so…if wages don't go up…and housing prices keep rising….and we get jailed for being homeless…..who's gonna pay the landlords' rents……..? what's the plan here
— mr. wife (@wrinklefreelee) June 28, 2024

Documents exchange. https://t.co/KrU3dyIW72
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) June 28, 2024

Ladies and gentlemen, they say my opponent has the morals of a cat.

Yeah, an ALLEY cat! https://t.co/iEUmsb8KHc pic.twitter.com/fvXo5iv2Z8
— future canon (@futurecanon) June 28, 2024

I couldn't remember where I had heard the "morals of an alley cat" thing before and then I remembered we have this book……….. pic.twitter.com/w2PHBWwzg7
— summer anne burton (@summeranne) June 28, 2024

me when my friend is explaining the rules of the board game pic.twitter.com/IQtqbWFZ1M
— Drew Landry (@MrDrewLandry) June 28, 2024

The multiple Bidens theory is funny if only because that means they bring out the bad one sometimes for whatever reason https://t.co/Y2gX3ybx7f
— Mr. Chau (@Srirachachau) June 28, 2024

crazy how the only generation that will have the option to retire just fucking won't.
— kelsey mckinney (@mckinneykelsey) June 28, 2024

Whats the second hand for https://t.co/NvNwNazWPL
— Arlind (@Iron_Cub) June 28, 2024

Every Jessica Walter and Martin Mull interaction on Arrested Development was perfect.

Gene Parmesan forever.

RIP to the both of them. pic.twitter.com/QfSFCGgT41
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) June 28, 2024

Not a single fucking Martin Mull tribute mentions Mr. Mom. RIP, Mr. Richardson. We're gonna wire it 220, 221, whatever it takes. pic.twitter.com/hsVz227zna
— The Natidude (@TheNatidude) June 29, 2024

RIP Martin Mull. Truly one the finest comedic minds to ever grace this world. Please, please watch his HBO special, History of White People In America. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.
pic.twitter.com/fnVZ5Nn4gE
— That Week In SNL (@ThatWeekInSNL) June 29, 2024

Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan was such a rememberable character in Arrested Development that it's hard to believe that he was only in one episode of the original series pic.twitter.com/XSHMTAN0Kz https://t.co/HWOQJpeoBw
— Fiona Small (@FionaSmall) June 29, 2024

June 29

Martin Mull delivers best joke ever on Norm MacDonald's show😂😬🤣 pic.twitter.com/qEJHXxNjoP
— 🌵 RC 🌵 (@DesertHemi556) June 29, 2024

goddamn how old is that dog? https://t.co/huay6vEGYS
— baronvonsavings (@MaskTheMovie) June 30, 2024

Dear god... this is how we get Tim Robinson his Oscar https://t.co/yNTP5TBdsZ
— Charles Bramesco (@intothecrevasse) June 29, 2024

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
— josh (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) June 30, 2024

we are so fucking cooked holy shit https://t.co/86zLicwpvS
— old tom (@YuckyTom) June 29, 2024

to smithereens has to be the worst way to get blown.
— ham (@HXRDWIRED) June 29, 2024

not true https://t.co/kk2CY5BgNF pic.twitter.com/8nK7IXU0Bj
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) June 29, 2024

they hated her because she told the truth https://t.co/1tx4Ilc1BZ pic.twitter.com/ozK0vWQuQz
— ｋ (@lawfulspice) June 29, 2024

I just watched se7en. you're telling me people have been quoting the line "what's in the box" for literally thirty years when THAT'S WHAT WAS IN THE BOX?????
— ugh (@ughfinewhatever) June 30, 2024

Person: I can't afford a house
America: You are under arrest
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) June 30, 2024

So commie maybe? https://t.co/I8D0YD6SFs
— Gabe ✩ (@lastthingtwice) June 29, 2024

Do you think members of the Kennedy family blame minor things on the Kennedy Curse? Like a delicious looking turkey sandwich is dry and they're just like "When will this nightmare be ovah"
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) June 29, 2024

We already tried that and they killed him https://t.co/349j8Gfn8E
— Gayest Tone (@gayest_tone) June 29, 2024

some of y'all don't hate Biden enough and some of y'all frankly hate Biden too much. as opposed to me, who hates Biden the perfect amount and for the correct reasons
— none gender (@leftfemme) June 29, 2024

Hilarious that @WestJet will cancel hundreds of flights, leave people stranded, and offer them no customer service (as usual these days) and think people will blame it on workers and the union. That's on you, babes.
— Eric Bell (@eric_bellMB) June 30, 2024

After less than a year from when Poilievre took the microphone on a WestJet flight prompting a review of in-flight rules, the airline stranded passengers for Canada Day weekend because they don't pay their mechanics enough and then tried to blame the government.

Common sense. pic.twitter.com/XTNtGSoCsk
— Roddy 🇨🇦 (@RodKahx) June 30, 2024

I mean, look at the damage he did to Calgary. It's only the fifth most livable city in the world — something a certain Danielle Smith was just crowing about! https://t.co/cgUzejdxrE
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) June 29, 2024

Somebody did a great and funny breakdown on Caitlin Clark's teammates refusing to catch passes.

These are professional athletes. pic.twitter.com/sWbLSr0cLA
— Adam Stroller (@StrollerAdam) June 29, 2024

pic.twitter.com/29Bet3F7Oj
— Z. Emerson 🍒 (@World0fEcho) June 29, 2024

She put her intense racism aside in order to make a song with Carti and Drake and that shit still flopped I know she hate black ppl more than ever now https://t.co/XQoycpjKCu
— Ozempic Saint 🎟️ (@Saintjon18) June 29, 2024

Everything this man does to try and prove how "unbothered" he is, just further proves how bothered he is 💀 https://t.co/K3tJ9wjXyp
— 𝐙 (@ZCherAime) June 29, 2024

June 30

Won't say his name like Voldemort. Certified Boogeyman indeed 😭 https://t.co/cQTD3JzMRF
— Gay Mon-Fri. Straight on Wknds (@MYTHALLICA) June 30, 2024

Coming to every baseball stadium 😆 https://t.co/ASVSAbKerl
— Darth Deadass (@sylphanne) June 30, 2024

So… waiting for flight at JFK. I hear music. It's "Rappers Delight." The sound gets louder and nearer. I look and see someone being pushed in a wheelchair, carrying a boombox on their lap. The wheelchair approaches. It's Tracy Morgan, grinning from ear to ear. And off he goes.
— Dan Charnas (@dancharnas) June 30, 2024

interweightcial https://t.co/DiNgFOAtE8
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) July 1, 2024

Jah Wick (2025) https://t.co/c4Pp7XLs4K
— Boul. (@CoryTownes) June 30, 2024

When college admins start expelling frat boy rapists from campus as fast and furiously as they did anti-genocide protestors sitting in tents, then maybe it'd be easier to pretend that it was somehow about campus safety.
— holly (@girlziplocked) June 30, 2024

There's a whole world out there we don't understand https://t.co/d8Bq6jvMbG
— joe bro (@jbromovies) July 1, 2024

are you just now finding out https://t.co/jf9D7espbo
— Liam Blutman (@Blutman27) July 1, 2024

The WHAT https://t.co/HTH9s3mvss
— Duncan Smith (@DuncanSmithNBA) June 30, 2024

July 1

At the end of the day, we are all Americans. Sure, we have differences on policy. One side wants to give everyone healthcare and good wages. The other wants to create a white Christian ethnostate where the president can legally assassinate anyone at will. But we are not enemies.
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) July 1, 2024

July 4, 1776 - we declare independence from a king

July 1, 2024 - the Supreme Court decides the president can basically be a king
— Bradley P. Moss (@BradMossEsq) July 1, 2024

was informed my rent is increasing in October so i asked why and they said "we increase the rent every year because the cost of living goes up every year."

my brother in christ YOU ARE THE COST OF LIVING
— dumbass (@adequatelyjed) July 1, 2024

I wish there were technology that let you pay based on salary. Like this coffee is $2 for me and $20,000 for a Kardashian.
— 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖍 (@frigginfrench) July 1, 2024

Again you should be encouraging celebs to fly commercial not taking their pics for cheap online dunks https://t.co/EpoBm9V9ea
— 🇧🇧🏳️‍🌈 / 🆓🇵🇸 m a r c u s (@marcusjdl) July 1, 2024

childish gambino wiped his cringe era off the internet and tries to gaslight us into thinking he's always been cool. no sir, i was on tumblr in 2011 you will not get away with it
— fentanyl jr (@bigsnugga) July 1, 2024

*taps the sign* https://t.co/6wltmhfira pic.twitter.com/mEDiYBEOMP
— Tyler ~Bibee's Glasses~ Griffith (@tgriffith1992) July 2, 2024

pic.twitter.com/WdokyUqoMz
— Rodimus Prime (@GrillinRod) July 1, 2024

The greatest democracy the world has ever seen ended in the name of a reality TV game show host because one political party went insane from a black guy being elected President.
— Chris Jackson (@ChrisCJackson) July 1, 2024

Americans should have the entire week off for the 4th this year as a kind of "going out of business" blow-out
— Chris Evangelista (@cevangelista413) July 1, 2024

Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' https://t.co/hh8cFjNAMX
— The Onion (@TheOnion) July 1, 2024

Do you think I can ask my law school for a refund because like there is no law anymore lol
— Andrew Strauss (@straussanator) July 1, 2024

In retrospect maybe it was bad to have nine unelected officials who decide our most important laws behind closed doors with total immunity and a lifetime appointment while gladly and openly taking bribes.
— David C Bell (@MovieHooligan) July 1, 2024

"But if we expand the court what happens when the other side wins" they already won you dumbass motherfucker
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) July 2, 2024

Ah, time to open some emails from the people who let this happen whose big plan is to have me send them money
— Patrick Claybon (@PatrickClaybon) July 1, 2024

Republicans: The President can kill people and take bribes.

Democrats: You gotta hauk tua vote on that thang!
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) July 1, 2024

I am still waiting for a single republican to explain to me why trump needs Presidential Immunity if he is not a criminal.
— Sarah Ironside 💙 (@SarahIronside6) July 1, 2024

- so, wait, back in 2024 did you have any indication that the U.S. was descending into authoritarianism?

- yeah, we'd usually get two or three warnings every week or so
— Django Gold (@django) July 1, 2024

If you're 42 years old or older, the most important election of your lifetime was 2000. If you're 26-42, the most important election of your lifetime was 2016.

If you're under 26, but old enough to vote, you haven't fucked up yet, but are about to.
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) July 1, 2024

July 2

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) July 2, 2024

Belongs on a beat hoe https://t.co/bfm3x9mwgc
— Rizz Madlisa (@FixxTheDJango) July 3, 2024

Glad to see the stranger danger anthem is spreading. KDot protecting the youth https://t.co/a2SusBkHlb
— AD$ (@ADgotmo) July 3, 2024

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) July 3, 2024

Look like a LeBron Party City costume ad. https://t.co/KKuC8UCwig
— Meelz 💪🏾 (@MeelzTV) July 2, 2024

"I've left the cult of science" she declared on her livestream sent over high-speed internet while speaking into a sound amplification device, staring at a laptop computer, and drinking from a vessel designed to keep hot and cold liquids at their original temperature. https://t.co/ZoWMbAGxKu
— Mike Rothschild (no relation) (@rothschildmd) July 2, 2024

Cop in front of me ordered a hazelnut cold brew and the barista said "look at you fancy" and he got really mad and said "no, I am not" lol
— _ (@rose_rsj) July 2, 2024

Care to mention that he'll be at a NATO summit, Bob? https://t.co/RgTo88MscM
— David Brown (@OrbitStudios) July 3, 2024

Let me get this straight. Trump and Epstein were tight, Trump's jet was parked next to the Russian jet for days, RFK eats a dog, and media is still covering Biden's crappy debate performance?
— Rick Lenzie (@RickLenzie) July 3, 2024

all of conservative legal theory in a single headline pic.twitter.com/Ck1OiopPQk
— Sen. Lemon Gogurt ugarles.bsky.social (@Ugarles) July 2, 2024

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we're completely remote, so I had to tell her we're actually located in 2024
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 3, 2024

(Sisyphus checking his todo list) oh nice only one task. Should be a light day
— Wraith (@WraithLaFrentz) July 2, 2024

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it's all like

- No more than 80 hours per week!
- 4 days guaranteed off per month!
- Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
— Steven Lucy (@slucy) July 2, 2024

July 3

tim curry throughout his life telling anyone who'd listen that the biggest mistake he ever made in his career was cheating on his gorgeous co-star, the one woman who "got away" -- and that woman being miss piggy -- is why tim curry is the best actor of his generation
— jo 🤡 (@bimbotoad) July 3, 2024

when we die we should all get a list of people who had crushes on us.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 3, 2024

this is so much better than having glaciers on earth https://t.co/8TdAWNjFPn
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 4, 2024

She rapping about climate change https://t.co/3sxWvVHI1G
— AME Youngboy (@MelechThomas) July 3, 2024

she never misses pic.twitter.com/GKqLM6fqEw
— s (@Iauraroslin) July 4, 2024

Finding out "rizz" was apparently cause they couldn't spell charisma was funny https://t.co/HIc6mrZNO8
— Wakandantechsupport (@SkylerB97) July 3, 2024

HR now getting slick. https://t.co/kK6ofv6z2b
— Heisjayy 𝕏 (@Jayysen_) July 3, 2024

Being white is the closest thing to having actual superpowers in this world. https://t.co/2sTJRWYjOv
— [HB] RAINEY™ (@RaineyOvalle) July 3, 2024

Out of the blue, I just remembered that I went to middle school with a guy named "Wayne Bruce" and he used to get mad when people called him "Man Bat."
— Alex Fernie (@FernieCommaAlex) July 3, 2024

Um, just found out that for $75 I can put a plaque with anything I want written on it on a bench on Roosevelt Island for 20 years and I think $75 is exactly the amount I'm willing to spend on a good bit.
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) July 4, 2024

Why are rich people so terrible at being rich? Sunak, Musk, Trump, that guy who has placenta infusions or whatever. Terrible. I'd be fucking amazing at it. Just floating around in my pool, sipping mojitos and not causing any trouble. What a waste.
— Phlegm Clandango (@Cain_Unable) July 3, 2024

pic.twitter.com/YDEH28wItB
— inhumans of capitalism (Ojibwa )🔻 (@Inhumansoflate1) July 4, 2024

some girl just crashed into me and we both didn't know what to do so we called our dads and we're just standing here holding our phones together so our dads can talk to each other 🧍🏻‍♀️
— camila (@mcamilaapx) July 3, 2024

When your campaign is going well: pic.twitter.com/q9q6IhmhkD
— jordan (@JordanUhl) July 3, 2024

So every 250 years we have to defeat a mad king.
— julia duffy (@mybadauditions) July 3, 2024

Guys don't worry about the headlines about JT not going to Stampede. Outside of Calgary no one gives a shit about The Stampede. Many want it banned for animal abuse. Many Calgarians leave Calgary for the week to avoid it. It is nothing but a drunk up and sex party for the Cons.
— Larry Dallas (@cowling175) July 3, 2024

Have thought on this all day pic.twitter.com/YW6PasdFbD
— Rude Boy (@rudepolaroids) July 4, 2024

y'all complaining about this beef being played out like drake didn't disturb kendrick's peace and family. that man has every right to drag this for as long as he wants to. https://t.co/Mih5LCik1g
— n (@newrockmantics) July 4, 2024

"See guys? No kids." https://t.co/7CgCHO2Vj1
— issabreh (@IssaBreh) July 3, 2024

inside out if it was filmed inside my head pic.twitter.com/F8Av38cfIZ
— erin (@andromedism) July 3, 2024

all rise for the national anthem pic.twitter.com/sXPmoMQn6o
— 🐀💅🏼 (@hotpinkfurby) July 4, 2024

July 4

Incredible work by @nytimes publishing a "don't vote" op-ed on July 4th by a conservative who regularly votes. https://t.co/ww6eXeEWfl
— Max Kennerly (@MaxKennerly) July 4, 2024

https://t.co/WPJ3PLLzLo pic.twitter.com/Emb4TW6FJN
— bobby (@eaglemcgill) July 4, 2024

In fairness the Tories killed a lot of their supporters in the pandemic
— Lucy Prebble (@lucyprebblish) July 4, 2024

#July4 pic.twitter.com/IWveivZ23L
— inhumans of capitalism (Ojibwa )🔻 (@Inhumansoflate1) July 4, 2024

Happy Independence Day, America pic.twitter.com/m73h1q7arq
— Fiona Small (@FionaSmall) July 4, 2024

yelling "this is it! The one thatll kill us all" every time i hear a firework to freak out my 8 big stupid ass dogs in my horrible apartment
— wint (@dril) July 4, 2024

A John Wick movie where he goes around assassinating people whose fireworks are upsetting the local dogs.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 4, 2024

me when someone at work is telling me about something their child has done pic.twitter.com/a63cLepP7z
— katie (@pipterino) July 4, 2024

Sign me up for Walk-A-Fella Records walk club. https://t.co/0JAwdZdRIj
— Meelz 💪🏾 (@MeelzTV) July 4, 2024

this guys denzel impression is insane pic.twitter.com/BAYgGjnSUt
— 𝖉𝖆𝖕𝖍𝖓𝖊 (𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖍𝖊𝖉) (@neonhedonics) July 4, 2024

toronto is the type of city where the most viable way to save a beloved historic movie theatre is to have guillermo del toro tweet at the mayor
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) July 4, 2024

kendrick diabolical ass got Whitney crip walkin on drake grave lmaoo pic.twitter.com/GKUgJckv3r
— LILAFRIMANE (@LORAFRIMANEE) July 4, 2024

On Juneteenth and the 4th. He said you not Black or American.
— Mistress of Mischief (@BkBap) July 4, 2024

kendrick dropping a music video on independence day to call a canadian a pedophile is the most american shit ive seen all day
— ludwig from video games (@LudwigAhgren) July 4, 2024

Kendrick picked 2 holidays to beat his ass on, the black one and the white one 🤣🤣 https://t.co/Kv6tfwraLn
— Madam THIQUE (@Forever_Tasha) July 4, 2024

Not Like Us isnt letting up. Video is gonna give it new life. HBCU/CFB football season is gonna give it new life. And don't let em drop a Black Hippy rmx. But this is how shit used to be. Hit records used to last for months. Streaming era fried everyone's attention spans
— 🐿️✨America Is Musty✨🐿️ (@DragonflyJonez) July 4, 2024

Not only did they recreate the second part of the Family Matters video in this shot, he had Dark Lane Demo Drake sneak behind him and get blasted away 😂😂 Cinematography dissing >>> pic.twitter.com/WoFxsy5eKD
— Big Boss 🇵🇸 (@LordBalvin) July 4, 2024

Kendrick Lamar's whole music video was just him fucking with Drake. He was doing pushups, destroying an owl piñata, crip walking with Whitney, and ends it off with a shot of an owl in a cage, I know Drake mad as hell LMFAO pic.twitter.com/qyACBQ33z3
— Hasan 👁‍🗨 (@flackospalace) July 4, 2024

the symbolism is crazy, because all a caged bird gone do is sing 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/v29LXDAklR
— donte thomas (@donteTheAPPLE) July 4, 2024

Kendrick is a madman. https://t.co/qNmty733vB
— Lys 🫶🏽✨ (@lyssah_a) July 5, 2024

If I send this to you, I hope you d*e. pic.twitter.com/YULSBlbJEM
— JoyBella (@JoyBella80) July 4, 2024

Life as a Kendrick Lamar fan these days pic.twitter.com/h5yMJV35aB
— Silly Gooseฏ๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎๎⚰ (@Mr2KGod) July 4, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 5, 2024

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