Keshk Cafe, only good news today, Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway, keeping blanket theft at bay, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

July 12

What were the recent events?? pic.twitter.com/ChRs7byaaq
— Will Donnelly (@Will_Donnelly) July 12, 2024

they feed this to 3 year olds in wisconsin https://t.co/YsAwiBB5cg
— beer person (@CantEverDie) July 12, 2024

our review culture is killing me. i don't want to give my socks a star rating. i will not grade my doc's appt. i am not enjoying my purchase, i simply needed it
— Amber Jamieson (@ambiej) July 12, 2024

Would watch pic.twitter.com/xSf6TSWQr1
— Giga Based Dad (@GigaBasedDad) July 12, 2024

seems like a great use of electricity in these last moments of a livable planet https://t.co/gLmhOJb79c
— Prof. Steve Austin (@postcarbonsteve) July 12, 2024

My car Chapstick is missing and now I gotta move my bedside table Chapstick to my car and it's fucking chaos
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 👻💉💊 (@DrSpooky_ER) July 12, 2024

But … she's holding the hair she cut off? While standing on the scale? https://t.co/yqGjQYzivY
— Ben Fowlkes (@benfowlkesMMA) July 12, 2024

July 13

My favorite memory of Richard Simmons was the time he went on Whose Line Is It Anyway and created possibly the 6 funniest minutes of TV in history pic.twitter.com/dKfx5XBVR5
— Brian Kosh (@BrianKosh) July 13, 2024

Chappell Roan makes fun music, Olivia Rodrigo's rock songs are actually super fun a lot of the time, Espresso is a fun song etc. I think the fun drought has been over for a long time. This song just sucks https://t.co/rZB2VyHffn
— ahi 🩻 (@dancetheprotag) July 13, 2024

pic.twitter.com/VBd0s1dcTi
— Scott Barber (@thescottbarber) July 13, 2024

Twitter is cool because you can figure out what's going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news
— peter (@arabatman_) July 14, 2024

a beautiful woman named heat advisory keeps messaging me on my phone
— greta (@2007warpedtour) July 13, 2024

Inside you there are two wolves, pic.twitter.com/T3ZWxDDqAS
— Alana McLaughlin🏳️‍⚧️Ⓐ☭ (@AlanaFeral) July 13, 2024

Twitter always so good during chaotic events Ngl if the world is ending first thing ima do is open this app
— Pastor Kyle. (@itsqail) July 14, 2024

the fact this guy missed the rally is the funniest thing that's ever happened https://t.co/wk1mYsv4lK
— 𝔐𝔞𝔤𝔫𝔢𝔱𝔰 🧲 (@PerthshireMags) July 13, 2024

When you can allegedly get shot, on camera, and an overwhelming portion of the voting population sees you as so untrustworthy that they believe it's fake/staged, that's probably not a good indication of success in an election a few months away.
— Drew Comments (@sjs856) July 14, 2024

That was-a NOT what I-a meant . . . https://t.co/UajGwsHzNj
— Mario Mario (@NintendoPlumber) July 14, 2024

america: gun crazy, misses

japan: makes some bullshit, doesn't miss https://t.co/fTaBXgZIKK
— Jason (@envinyon) July 13, 2024

Lee Harvey Oswald: pic.twitter.com/VZKh2z4S43
— Nikola Rodrić (@iAM_RodWill) July 13, 2024

biden: [clearing his throat for eight minutes] dr king has been shot
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) July 13, 2024

yes its real. please follow me for more real shit https://t.co/JXotTam4c5
— wint (@dril) July 14, 2024

This is a really awkward moment but can somebody please quickly explain who Donald trump is
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) July 13, 2024

I know people are saying not to spread conspiracy theories right now, but I would like to read them.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 13, 2024

prayer circle!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/qoo9rPLPHn
— ♀️ (@fatfabfeminist) July 13, 2024

next to the hawk tuah shirt does a nice job of underscoring just how stupid america is https://t.co/1tgY63G4kA
— francis wolf 🥥🌴 (@francisxwolf) July 14, 2024

July 14

Hubby sent me this and I'm dying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🫣 pic.twitter.com/J03PXGQ0L6
— Lila (@LilaL_Hrv) July 14, 2024

Say what you will about Baldwin, the man has incredible comedic timing pic.twitter.com/JtlvBESPc2
— Andrew Woods (@JimJarmuschHair) July 15, 2024

Sticking with only good news today pic.twitter.com/1wtJptHo1t
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 14, 2024

I know things seem bad but at least everyone in america has a gun and is insane
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) July 14, 2024

we can tell https://t.co/H7sgFBCMOg
— frank bullitt (@the_blueprint) July 14, 2024

Very likely thing for him to do in a graduation photo pic.twitter.com/3JyybCT2YG
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) July 14, 2024

Imagine getting shot at (not shot) on live television and having more than 75% of the world population immediately question if you staged it because you & your family have never told the truth in your lives. This is what he's done to us. The boy who cried wolf FAFO.
— I'm STILL with Joe! #RidinwithBiden (@PenelopesBooks) July 14, 2024

Seeing a lot of people online disappointed to find out that the first thing comedians do, in EVERY situation, is try to come up with a good joke.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) July 14, 2024

in france discussing trump getting shot and our driver says, "in france this is why we use guillotine. does not miss." 😳
— ally (@missmayn) July 14, 2024

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
— nattie winters (@UtilityLimb) July 14, 2024

after watching 5 or so soccer games, i'm 99% sure the entire sport is being played wrong, strategically
— sucks (@powerbottomdad1) July 14, 2024

#chickens4KFC pic.twitter.com/s1csEDRRvp
— k. einstein (@jnxsboi_) July 15, 2024

He's so good at this pic.twitter.com/Q97fZnO1qJ
— 📯 Dr. Diocletian Blobb 🇵🇸 (@DrBlobb) July 14, 2024

"you shouldn't block people for differing political views" i've blocked people for calling a song i like a skip, i will absolutely block for a difference in morals
— mikayla⸆⸉ (@timelesslytay) July 14, 2024

July 15

you may be old but are you 36? https://t.co/m28xBjVrxM
— Summer Bulk (@JuliusIrvington) July 16, 2024

Katy Perry's song has me yet again saying that celebrities need to hire a normal person on a fixed salary that they just quickly run things by to say "oh that will be taken so badly, no" and that person should be me
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) July 15, 2024

*Guy expressing bigotry towards 60% of the people on Earth*

"Where unity?" https://t.co/oKHYkncr8x
— Gary Treeman (@PurpyNFL) July 15, 2024

you can purchase a rifle at walmart but the vibrating piece of plastic is the real danger https://t.co/NGKQ9SQsL2
— alan b. (@inceptstellar) July 15, 2024

Just when I thought nothing could unite this country, America comes together to dunk on — and I say this as politely and objectively as possible — the worst national anthem performance of all time. #HomeRunDerby #HRDerby pic.twitter.com/ov4hWv9X3F
— Moonlight Graham 🌙✨ (@ReeceKelleyG) July 16, 2024

please tell whoever did this how much i love them pic.twitter.com/yS9dsxcQDj
— kim (@KimmyMonte) July 16, 2024

lol I legit think this negates the photo pic.twitter.com/iNL4nHri7T
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 16, 2024

Nursed for 42 years in ER never saw an ear dressing like Don the con had on tonight
— S Olsen (@olsense1) July 16, 2024

BREAKING: An executive of the gay dating app Grindr says the Republican National Convention is "basically Grindr's Super Bowl."
— The Halfway Post (@HalfwayPost) July 16, 2024

JD VANCE, 2016: "He's America's Hitler."
JD VANCE, 2024: "He's America's Hitler!"
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) July 15, 2024

Wait, what? pic.twitter.com/s5DycZFDIx
— bfa agonistes (@superloafcat) July 15, 2024

July 16

sean but it's short for parmesean cheese
— Peach PRC (@peachprc) July 16, 2024

they did not have enough black ppl to be recreating this LMAO https://t.co/kyQilzFhEa
— cass / bk ∞ 🍉🔻 (@TATT3REDNTORN) July 16, 2024

Hell yeah, brother, coolest crime possible. Free my guy https://t.co/5OEtHAH0Xc
— i'm dune my best 🍉🇵🇸 (@kirabira) July 16, 2024

So, we are closing a Science Centre because of some roof panels, but building a new one HERE? https://t.co/I3K8PCnWDx
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) July 16, 2024

Imagine travelling back in time to 2006 and telling someone that Tenacious D broke up because Donald Trump almost got assassinated and one of them made a joke about it. https://t.co/WchNb7rkQf
— Aaron Murray (@AjMurray21) July 16, 2024

the Kyle Gass stuff is so insane lol. people have been doing "hope he dies" jokes for the past 8 years. i imagine most people regularly hear more extreme things at family gatherings. I would not forgive Jack Black for throwing me under the bus over this
— Lego "Shalashaska" Kingo (@LegoKingo) July 16, 2024

pic.twitter.com/S90ad4T1oI
— 𝚂𝙾𝚄𝚃𝙷𝙿𝙰𝚆 𝙴𝚇𝙲𝙴𝙿𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻𝙸𝚂𝙼 (@SouthpawLeftist) July 16, 2024

He made the greatest song in the world (tribute) is what he did! He won the battle of the bands against the devil. He held the pick of destiny! And in this house, Kyle Gass is a hero, end of story!!! pic.twitter.com/Z5sBDd9hvk
— Shuckin on my Cob (@MikeyBrezz) July 16, 2024

If I laugh at this, does my musical comedy duo have to break up https://t.co/hLXPztZXAQ
— Scott Gairdner (@scottgairdner) July 16, 2024

https://t.co/k7eV43vIC4 pic.twitter.com/KIODDi6swu
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) July 16, 2024

I got hired to be a waitress at a retirement home. Did one shift and calculated you would make $100+ more at Olive Garden. When I quit the lady said oh we're a nonprofit so I looked up their 990 and told her how much their CEO makes
— naomi (@lachancenaomi27) July 16, 2024

July 17

Happy 29th birthday Bisexuality pic.twitter.com/xFR9yfaA98
— Ecce_Homosexual (@Ecce_Homosexual) July 17, 2024

it's literally what he would've wanted https://t.co/Zk9cBm2MUz
— Simone x10 (@parasocialyte) July 17, 2024

Ah yes I love these stills of a great comedic performance https://t.co/Bsw8iCBqeL
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) July 17, 2024

one episode of 30 rock has more jokes than all of the bear https://t.co/ggJd6h0czS
— ashley ray🍦stream ice cream money (@theashleyray) July 17, 2024

pic.twitter.com/pLbZtcgm7A
— DUTTS (@jeffersondutton) July 17, 2024

pic.twitter.com/HsN6Q8lkq5
— I M A N I (@prettygirll4L) July 17, 2024

losing it rn lmao pic.twitter.com/sCGGCFP5G9
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) July 18, 2024

oh my GOD? pic.twitter.com/5RvoKghsmX
— dyke, interrupted (@HlGHlNFlDELITY) July 17, 2024

This might be the best Twitter moment of moments of Twitter moments. pic.twitter.com/XLb6h1UZaN
— MollyPeonies (@mollypeonies) July 18, 2024

ANY medical condition? because he's 81. I'm 38 and have, like, 9 things wrong with me https://t.co/1s61DrRCFN
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 17, 2024

Can we joke about Biden having Covid on here or will Jack Black get mad
— FOGHAT STAN (@MikeMacRaeMike) July 17, 2024

all I'm saying is that dying of the plague you falsely claimed to have ended after saying only God could make you step down from your position of power would be the most Ancient Greek Tragedy thing that could possibly happen
— jaclyn (@j_n_foster) July 18, 2024

July 18

let him cook https://t.co/igYNhS7itE
— Edward Ongweso Jr (@bigblackjacobin) July 18, 2024

Imagine saying that the US will handle Bird Flu based on the lessons it learned from Covid and then later that same day the president announces that he has Covid.
— tern (@1goodtern) July 18, 2024

https://t.co/I1eSZSWhpp pic.twitter.com/suDC644jt4
— Shaun Johnson (@sexwithuruncle) July 18, 2024

Using the Joe Biden "I'm sick" tweet format to announce you're bad at sex is crazy pic.twitter.com/uB12tM2hDZ
— 679 Enthusiast (@marionumber4) July 18, 2024

Air bnb should provide breakfast that's the second b
— bel (@beldrury) July 18, 2024

As a Christian this alarms me pic.twitter.com/PpQXZwLCgD
— Michael Balazo will be at the Edinburgh Fringe (@mbalazo) July 18, 2024

R.I.P. pic.twitter.com/HuCgVf09Qb
— John Sipher (@john_sipher) July 18, 2024

The only time this ever happened on a live SNL and it made perfect sense. RIP Bob Newhart https://t.co/6U6AjR40aa
— Triumph® ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴsᴜʟᴛ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄ ᴅᴏɢ™ Headquarters💩 (@TriumphICDHQ) July 18, 2024

Remember when Conan locked Bob Newhart in an airtight container so the Emmys wouldn't run over 3 hours? Still maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen on an awards show.

RIP Bob pic.twitter.com/3Ttc4ng4dK
— Jonathan (@jonathanmb32) July 18, 2024

Niche tweet pic.twitter.com/1KNIrLoV6l
— VividVivka 🧡 (@VividVivka) July 18, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 19, 2024

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