Ringo movie, I’m drinking a smoothie, whales lose so much money, seems apt to me, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 16

A video I frequently watch is Norm Macdonald explaining how he lost a product called “Mangrate” as a podcast sponsor. pic.twitter.com/BAPYnaA5yW
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) February 17, 2024

Eve Fartlow? The music journalist? https://t.co/Ahb7fFAkXF pic.twitter.com/thyuTqzCBS
— Ald. Dr. Lori Rivera 69th ward Linehan's ex 𓅓 (@NotMslinehan) February 16, 2024

Super 70s Sports. pic.twitter.com/bbdgv3O0rw
— Norm Charlatan (@normcharlatan) February 16, 2024

If bigger vehicles are safer, may I interest you and your family in transit? https://t.co/usm0IPXRr0 pic.twitter.com/eCYe86ebsP
— Star:Line Chicago (@StarLineChicago) February 16, 2024

https://t.co/oBqybBJgdC pic.twitter.com/RiNXOEvnjk
— 𝚔𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚕𝚘𝚋𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛 (@KLobstar) February 17, 2024

build a jail cell for the property brothers https://t.co/AP2GFmmhwK pic.twitter.com/Hul8buDfl3
— jordzilla (@sordijinger) February 17, 2024

my grandpa has officially weighed in on the taylor swift / travis kelce situation, and he has some concerns: pic.twitter.com/vjGAaKlm1W
— Mira Gonzalez (@miragonz) February 17, 2024

Mfs haven’t even had a First Dance https://t.co/q9IVHxGrRp
— WBR (@W_B_Rick) February 16, 2024

Well it took you 50 years to find it, so… https://t.co/LMDvQOoCVa
— Darryl, Socrates Friend (@HoodCertified) February 16, 2024

So you’re telling me your Son dried these tomatoes?
— jerf 🛹 (@jeffdsilva) February 17, 2024

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
— Horny Emeritus (@InternetHippo) February 16, 2024

when me and my friends come across a really big ET https://t.co/7BpyFVwIeM
— whirling, screaming head (@slime_golem) February 17, 2024

The grammatical mistake here is extremely on-brand. https://t.co/KwiqmUZK3T
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) February 16, 2024

Howard Dean’s presidential campaign ended because he yelled somewhat loud https://t.co/rqmATctbTD
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) February 17, 2024

I hate that this election is going to be decided by some A.I. video in October and there’s nothing we can do about it
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) February 17, 2024

February 17

AI is like reverse Hitler to me cause we keep waiting on it to kill everybody but it won't stop making art
— yedoye (@yedoye_) February 18, 2024

He’s so fucking stupid. It’s amazing how just completely stupid he is. That’s why they love him. He’s the Stupid King https://t.co/jcH1i6dLnv
— Armando (@ArmandoNDK) February 18, 2024

A whale is a rich gambler that a casino keeps at the table because they lose so much money. Seems apt to me. https://t.co/m39awKzk6C
— Mike Rothschild (no relation) (@rothschildmd) February 18, 2024

The grift never stops https://t.co/FuL9j4bcLh
— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) February 17, 2024

Trump was booed for 6 straight minutes in a critical swing state.💀

Trump is not winning the election
— Aes (@AesPolitics1) February 17, 2024

Those the January 6s. https://t.co/s6pp1l3ocz
— Teeth Sweat (@dabnisbrickey_) February 17, 2024

Maxey smiles through literally anything but being Trae Young's teammate for like 15 minutes is what finally broke him https://t.co/wCviC2sRsw
— Matt Carey (@RealMattCarey) February 18, 2024

They should replace the skills challenge w a thing where all the retired players w podcasts who say wild shit have to back it up
— kang (@jaycaspiankang) February 18, 2024

Kenny Smith wanted Sabrina Ionescu y
To shoot from the women’s 3-point line and Reggie Miller wasn’t having it pic.twitter.com/s64X1VOOxh
— Gifdsports (@gifdsports) February 18, 2024

If you're going to broadcast the dunk contest, showing the dunks feels like it should be a priority. pic.twitter.com/YX4UCO9BLZ
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) February 18, 2024

Look like Uncle Phil throwing out Jazz. https://t.co/TNs1aEbtIU
— Josh Miller (@JMillzTweetz) February 18, 2024

How did we go from Aaron Gordon dunking over Tacko Fall to Jaylen Brown dunking over a 4 foot guy sitting on a chair 😭😓 pic.twitter.com/tQYyXN9RgP
— NBA Memes (@NBAMemes) February 18, 2024

I found out my husband has a burner zillow account used to verbally harass landlords with ridiculous rental prices & I just think thats hot
— ginger 👻 (@wxfflestomp) February 17, 2024

This restaurant name is going to keep me up at night for at least a week pic.twitter.com/qFJUWPXEFf
— Stangle’s Kid (@lisasaurstomp) February 18, 2024

February 18

Fine. You're not invited https://t.co/oTPtZwM5s2
— Republic of Kiribati (@KiribatiGov) February 19, 2024

You can’t have two duck names pic.twitter.com/mKXPlTKoY4
— Chris Thorburn (@CBThorburn) February 18, 2024

Wait, what. 😳 pic.twitter.com/vyxLDp0kSM
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) February 18, 2024

https://t.co/YlGiumUVyt pic.twitter.com/XAvQzIvUuq
— Rico Gates (@TrustSwisho) February 18, 2024

My favorite All-Star tradition is watching Luka and Jokic lock horns in a battle to see who cares less about the game
— Michael Pina (@MichaelVPina) February 19, 2024

Chuck: "You know who was asking about you the other day?"

Draymond: 'Who?"

Chuck: "Nobody."

🤣

NBA All-Star Game ALTCAST on @TruTV and @StreamOnMax pic.twitter.com/Xyyu3Cubxz
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) February 19, 2024

lmaooo. This is the tone and inflection of a man who is displeased.

that "Well..." melted my socks my off. 😭😭 https://t.co/cM3Gd4iaoL pic.twitter.com/dKGwbumINR
— “Sha-Vaughn”B.| 🌖🪬 (@SiobhanBeslow) February 19, 2024

lol this website is so fucked pic.twitter.com/mU6zA6AShR
— evan (@esjesjesj) February 19, 2024

https://t.co/a4IBwS3FMu pic.twitter.com/aAzDSH5SXP
— Marwa Fatafta مروة فطافطة (@marwasf) February 18, 2024

“during the pandemic..”

which pandemic?

“the COVID pandemic”

Oh you mean THIS pandemic. The one we’re in now.
— Jim the hermit (@SleepyJim0) February 19, 2024

I work 9-5 in an office.

Your shop is open from 9-5.

I will never be able to go to your shop.

Why did we design our society like this?
— Tyler (@Tyler_The_Wise) February 18, 2024

When we had our third child I bought an M1 Abrams. It’s very safe and built like a tank.

We always had larger SUVs like Yukons which have no chance against mines and Anti Tank artillery.

The lives of my children are too important to risk to another driver. https://t.co/ZY2EjtUgJu pic.twitter.com/TIUEWXipFI
— Joseph🌳 (@SolarpunkVC) February 18, 2024

pic.twitter.com/GebAnno1C1
— Serge Gainsbourg (@BKWelles) February 18, 2024

I think I’m unclear what this guy does pic.twitter.com/ntoCz4rPrS
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 19, 2024

February 19

I’m putting together a team pic.twitter.com/zJqHeFRGNs
— Trap Queen Enthusiast (@marionumber4) February 20, 2024

I’m still enjoying this holy trinity of responses https://t.co/faIzyGVY1u
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) February 19, 2024

The spirit of Nancy Reagan lives on https://t.co/QPRy6xdrm6
— paige (@BonerWizard) February 19, 2024

i continue to look for lizards in each of the potted plants because in 2003 i saw a lizard in a plant there and ive been chasing that high ever since https://t.co/S6XFN0AQvz
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) February 20, 2024

i didn’t want to dissect a fetal pig so they called me a

░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) February 19, 2024

I don’t like catching stuff there’s no treatment for, call me radical if you want
— Justin Lee (@DailyJLee) February 19, 2024

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there's no need to malign the ass in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
— Mike F (@DeputyWarlock) February 19, 2024

I wish my intestines liked the same food as my mouth.
— Scrümbled Eggs 🇵🇸 (@scrumble_eggs) February 19, 2024

The only way to fix the All Star game is to leak the losing team’s Instagram DMs
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) February 19, 2024

NYT Connections loves trying to call me uneducated over and over again. Tinder grinder bumble and hinge? Nice try, i learned my lesson after sponge bob square pants
— abby govindan (@abbygov) February 20, 2024

I use Google first instead of harassing people for answers that can easily be found on the internet https://t.co/Kceeu90yXJ
— Yung Carri (@raccarrington) February 19, 2024

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) February 19, 2024

Amazing. https://t.co/XsccrSvAlC
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) February 19, 2024

This is like unsealing highly sensitive government documents https://t.co/dtzaLepPiB
— Royale with Cheese (@DRoyale) February 20, 2024

February 20

Damn. That’s half my rent https://t.co/f4yRCz51uF
— alexandria love (available for staffing) (@alexfromoakland) February 21, 2024

tiktoker with 14 followers: i’m drinking a smoothie. it’s so smoothiecore

new york times reporter making $140k a year: smoothiecore is sweeping the nation. experts say it contains a hidden danger

meghan mccain: smoothies have become woke!

joe biden: i am a horse named steve
— P.E. Moskowitz (@_pem_pem) February 20, 2024

A "malfunction" that apparently included installing a coffee machine THAT CAN TAKE PICTURES. https://t.co/rtZoSxDbjj
— Dave Kamper 🌹 (@dskamper) February 20, 2024

My date immediately after leaving our Madame Web screening: how did that even get made 😂

Me, eager to demonstrate my film knowledge: I believe they used cameras
— Arthouse Shawn Levy (@firagawalkwthme) February 21, 2024

Possibly the funniest interaction I’ve ever had on here pic.twitter.com/exidsVs21O
— 𝕯𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖘 (@EmmaTolkin) February 20, 2024

I wrote this for Reductress and spent the next two years receiving emails that were half-death threat-ish and half "is this actually satire pelase tell me i can't stop crying" https://t.co/xTECRXHiv7
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) February 21, 2024

By far still the best representation of western supremacism pic.twitter.com/X63p8FQ6XC
— Bad Socialism Takes (Pro-Amalek) (@BadSocialisms) February 21, 2024

What the hell is this lunatic talking about? A dishwasher company that isn't allowed to use water? Honestly, how do you look at this empty headed idiot and say "yeah...that's my guy!" https://t.co/tNwqhew4HQ
— Fred Wellman (@FPWellman) February 21, 2024

OPEN THE SCHOOLS! https://t.co/6DRNhFoY37
— Koco Caine’s Straw (@tyjnick) February 20, 2024

This is the type of inside information I live for https://t.co/V9QogHCeBG
— 👽brittny pierre🪩 (@sleep2dream) February 20, 2024

Shit like this is my favorite type of celebrity story. For instance like yeah Ty Lue played with Kobe and Shaq and MJ, was the dude A.I stepped over, coached Bron to that 2016 ring...but I dont think any story he'll tell will ever top his story about KG watching Making The Band. https://t.co/oam1SozTEy pic.twitter.com/bmiqDhuDpi
— 🐧✨America Is Musty✨🐧 (@DragonflyJonez) February 21, 2024

Sony has the rights to Pete Best, Stu Sutcliffe and Mal Evans and will be attempting their own Beatle-verse at the same time. https://t.co/OWoMhUyMO1
— Hunter Felt (@HunterFelt) February 20, 2024

post credits scene to the george harrison beatles movie where timothee chalamet dylan steps out of the shadows and says let me tell you about the wilburys initiative
— Sylvian (#1 Skinamarink Fan) (@TheAlexSylvian) February 20, 2024

with the announced beatles films, we can now see independently, how they each arrived at this point pic.twitter.com/XpaH8yQZZ0
— Doug Carlin from Deja Vu Actualities (@Douggernaut_2) February 20, 2024

Doing 452 movies from the perspective of all wu tang clan members and wu tang clan affiliates https://t.co/rFaiZ6AKJ3
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) February 20, 2024

https://t.co/bwF6kH3Oo1 pic.twitter.com/pQUAZ9MS9X
— mr. chef (@rilomania247) February 20, 2024

Breaking: Coworker who gave entire office Covid promoted for never taking a day offhttps://t.co/oKI17dYXJB
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) February 20, 2024

i'm not even kidding when i say he should have to prove this on live television today or face criminal charges for stock market manipulation https://t.co/UlX9lrtSQj
— Pope (@punishedpope) February 21, 2024

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) February 20, 2024

https://t.co/ivNP1Qjwjl pic.twitter.com/f9TT2oNhHA
— paige (@BonerWizard) February 20, 2024

Like…like…something like this? https://t.co/uBaDaj5PkP pic.twitter.com/n4MrYaTfII
— @juliamacfarlaneABC on threads (@juliamacfarlane) February 20, 2024

LGBTQ (let’s get biryani tonight queen)
— pragun (@pragunwastaken) February 20, 2024

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) February 21, 2024

February 21

[to my wife waking from a coma] yooo you got fired like 10 years ago
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) February 21, 2024

We learned to read and write. https://t.co/KJ1bW64UNp
— David Weigel (@daveweigel) February 21, 2024

“The White House still has strict testing protocols in place for anyone who comes in close contact with the president.”

But, by all means, send your Covid-infected kids to school. https://t.co/vOaamQH0Io
— Ashley S. 😷 🟧 (@sassyashieOG) February 21, 2024

https://t.co/JPnFh7JgQl pic.twitter.com/lmqh3OpPPD
— Men For Fielder (@Men4Fielder) February 21, 2024

Thinking about this comment Joe Exotic left on Machine Gun Kelly’s Instagram pic.twitter.com/RjEGQlcBiy
— carriebradwh0re (@carriebradwh0re) February 21, 2024

i think about this one once a week pic.twitter.com/ZWxcKeTTZP
— tim (@theVibesGuru) February 22, 2024

NBA spent three (3) days in Indiana and were like NEVER AGAIN. https://t.co/IM0Wpy3f22
— Jared Wade (@Jared_Wade) February 21, 2024

these fucking people https://t.co/SHhGzjsSeo pic.twitter.com/bsCUwrYMAZ
— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) February 21, 2024

Classic small government conservatives who want a surveillance apparatus to control who watches porn. https://t.co/Tl7EqEeG5v
— David Moscrop (@David_Moscrop) February 21, 2024

Alabama: Embryos are babies.
Me: Oh, so we can't deport mothers carrying American citizens.
Alabama: Wait.
Me: Also dudes are on the hook for child support nine months earlier.
Alabama: No. Not like that!
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) February 21, 2024

Wait, can folks who don’t plan to have children, freeze embryos, and then claim them as dependents for life?

Ladies, this might work out for us…
— Jess Piper (@piper4missouri) February 21, 2024

I just got off the phone with my lawyer & accountant. I've adopted 14 abandoned frozen embryos & after declaring them as dependents on my taxes the government will owe me money for the rest of my life! Or until my fridge has a power outage. https://t.co/8Dbj4PVJ2u
— Greta (@GretaGrace20) February 22, 2024

February 22

Putting a baby in a freezer would kill it, but freezing embryos keeps them alive. That's why an embryo isn't a baby. Hope that helps if you're very stupid <3
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) February 22, 2024

I'm using the carpool lane today. pic.twitter.com/Z2LAOUpIXC
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) February 22, 2024

It really sucks that the stuff Biden is awful on makes it hard to appreciate the key way in which he is our best president: having an uncontrolled dog that repeatedly assaults federal agents
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) February 22, 2024

America = Imperial
Rest of the world = Metric
Space = Number of washing machines https://t.co/TOU1cwgpoB
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 22, 2024

Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying https://t.co/HUgSxjxVO1
— The Onion (@TheOnion) February 22, 2024

Disrobed? pic.twitter.com/WfCdpdeegP
— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) February 22, 2024

I’m confused. How the fuck is he driving without looking at the road?

pic.twitter.com/iLAA0wtxjJ
— Christine (@guelphgirlchris) February 22, 2024

this is peak bassist https://t.co/ismEDBIS3K
— Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) February 22, 2024

someone should tell her we hate her for her soul https://t.co/CSE7rKQ3Rm
— emily coolboobs 🍉 (@cooIboobs) February 22, 2024

Continually delighted by seeing what happens when online fascists suddenly have to deal with real people pic.twitter.com/86tBXiu9uy
— evan (@esjesjesj) February 22, 2024

It’s like watching a stupid robot almost reach sentience before sparking and shutting down https://t.co/lMZXfeOxzM
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 22, 2024

this is my travis and taylor https://t.co/4aHPFUzvEA
— Rohan Nadkarni (@RohanNadkarni) February 22, 2024

If Vice dies, we lose, amongst other brilliant things, arguably the greatest article ever written by anyone ever in the history of the written word. https://t.co/jZ6qpFQGL4
— Paul Weedon (@paulweeedon) February 22, 2024

RIP vice, i’ll never forget when i got a labiaplasty and one of your writers wanted a chef to cook it so he could eat it and write about it (ultimately decided i’m anti cannibalism & passed) https://t.co/tg1NNAvHFn
— Sydney (@sydneyelainexo) February 23, 2024

it's been long enough for me to admit publicly that when i left Gizmodo in 2022 I changed my Slack username to "SIackbot" and G/O Media failed to detect or delete it for months pic.twitter.com/DhMsOD0SZ9
— catturd2.bsky.social (@thetomzone) February 23, 2024

I just watched a mr beast video for the first time and I don't want to engage in too much hyperbole but it was so luridly evil that I think we may need a second biblical flood
— specific timid homer (@marrowing) February 22, 2024

Hi Sharks,

I'm asking for $250,000 for drugs and alcohol.
— skanks (@skanks17) February 22, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 23, 2024

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