No, bozos, again, no, stream it for Bruno, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 16

Wanted to let everyone know how honoured I am to be appointed Assistant to the Parliamentary Assistant to the Associate Minister for Ontario's Ministry of Small Government today.
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) August 17, 2024

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) August 16, 2024

Is it bad that earlier this year I saw that my dad was starting to go down the rightwing rabbit hole so i login into his youtube account and subscribed him to a bunch of leftwing and liberal channels and unsubcribed him from a bunch of ringwing channels to help him.
— feena van🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 (@feenagirl399) August 17, 2024

https://t.co/y10lzkcWR8 pic.twitter.com/7qTOq3nuKs
— Immortan Joe Mazzulla (@Handsome_Jake_) August 16, 2024

im crying at this, he rlly seen happy women, radiant and dancing, and thought "yeah u wouldn't be this happy if there was a man in your life" 💀 https://t.co/kBL5RicJKS
— Freya 🤎 mid res era (@BelleBubbless) August 16, 2024

People will pronounce every difficult word flawlessly from charcuterie to worcestershire and then turn around act like they can't learn to say a black person's name .
— Sean Dante (@intriguingsean) August 16, 2024

stream to get bruno out of gambling debt https://t.co/2sLVhYCy1Z
— internet baby (@kirkpate) August 16, 2024

can someone please help me, i'm still at the fyre festival
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) August 16, 2024

HE WAS FILMING ME FOR 6 YEARS?!?? https://t.co/HzjchpSmF5
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) August 16, 2024

Switching from my phone YouTube to YouTube on computer https://t.co/Hogvz1iJSF
— REID POPE DUMB IDIOT (@rpopetweets) August 17, 2024

August 17

Just has such a wild solo dining experience, the waitress told me I had to pretend I had someone else coming but they cancelled last minute because her boss doesn't like seating solo diners and let me tell you I gave an Oscar worthy performance
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 17, 2024

Girls named Andrea are always like "actually it's pronounced Andrea"
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) August 17, 2024

24 hours into Chicago and I think the most American experience I've had so far is not knowing if this billboard is positive or an attack ad pic.twitter.com/Yc7m6W8wT4
— ℳatt (@matttomic) August 18, 2024

I keep thinking libs have jumped the shark with the "weird" criticism and conservatives keep proving me wrong. These people are doomed. They are disgusting perverts who should be ignored if not mocked https://t.co/R4KgvA3VDp
— the information pimp (@BirdRespecter) August 18, 2024

This is one of my favorite jokes I've written. Enjoy! pic.twitter.com/zqnYxCoy1g
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) August 17, 2024

Owners of Minnesota "Let's Go Brandon" stores wiped out. pic.twitter.com/lFEciYSULp
— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 (@SundaeDivine) August 17, 2024

pic.twitter.com/pKpqDFuf0n
— Kevin & Trevor (@KevinandTrevor) August 17, 2024

A DEI "HIGHER" huh?

You was left behind. https://t.co/HBQVNzkbhw pic.twitter.com/BA1zQqiI2O
— New democrat..... unless dems act like wimps😎 (@reesetheone1) August 17, 2024

Yesterday, met a guy at a gas station, he asked where I was from and I said Manitoba Canada and he goes how do you say hello in your language?? He was American
— Marni Cramer (@CramerMarni) August 17, 2024

working on it https://t.co/k45eVFBv1B pic.twitter.com/BLZU2I5rBK
— jophis (@automatedplayer) August 18, 2024

Are you "burned out" or are you having a reasonable reaction to a never-ending amount of terrible news that you can hardly do anything about?
— Briana Mills, LMFT ♿️🏳️‍🌈 (@theBrianaMills) August 17, 2024

the funniest thing Andy Kaufman did was read the entire Great Gatsby to people who just wanted to hear him do Latka from Taxi, because the most important thing about comedy is the funniest thing you can do is monumentally waste someone's time.
— Jane Altoids (@staticbluebat) August 17, 2024

One of the best comedic moments ever written, and I will fight you if you think otherwise. Sheer genius. https://t.co/TaC8yVxZXT
— Joseph Martin (@suddenlyjoseph) August 17, 2024

You don't even need to know a lick of Spanish to understand how brilliant this is. Homie is living in 2042. pic.twitter.com/DLedN0lrpy
— Red Headed Stepchild (@stacyannhayles) August 18, 2024

August 18

have yall never seen a wholesale food service muffin before? https://t.co/YG1RFCzlvx
— ashley ray🍦stream ice cream money (@theashleyray) August 18, 2024

there are cathedrals everywhere for those with the eyes to see pic.twitter.com/jE7N5Ft2Ze
— daisy "dan goose" tackett (@fatstevebuscemi) August 19, 2024

what about a rat in Osama Bin Laden's turban doing 9/11 Disney movie
— Tommy Bayer (@tommybayertime) August 19, 2024

the seven dwarfs to snow white: https://t.co/EMpvUSrNIt
— 𝔎𝔥𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔧𝔞𝔥 🗝₊˚⊹ ♡ (@gwenisonline) August 18, 2024

Long live, @TheOnion pic.twitter.com/pC6IWu85gf
— Sarah Spain (@SarahSpain) August 19, 2024

yeah im sure lesbians are just furious about these pics https://t.co/Lnp0iaCeXh
— matt (@mattxiv) August 18, 2024

whenever I tweet something political that gets any amount of traction, dudes will crawl out of the darkness to make fun of my smile/gums, which is honestly just lazy because my intense fear of emotional vulnerability is RIGHT THERE! make fun of that! get creative! you bore me!
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) August 19, 2024

If you're making a video about the Canada "we know and love", maybe you shouldn't be using pictures of Utah's rockies, or the "foothills" of Indonesia?

🧵Here's a my thread of all the clips I have confirmed to NOT be Canadian.
1/#cdnpoli #canpoli https://t.co/gx1kAzEqaW
— disordered (@disorderedyyc) August 18, 2024

AI sucks, google search is shit, shopping online is shit, spotify algorithms are shit, windows search on my own PC is shit, subscriptions are shit, throttling is shit, ads when the tvs paused are shit, autoplay is shit, premium features that used to be standard are shit .. like https://t.co/9nwAgAZ606
— neopets girl online (@ne0petsgirl) August 18, 2024

does it cost extra to share it with family? https://t.co/q3Afj24X8F
— Jenni (@hashjenni) August 18, 2024

9 year old me: Singing the Wicked and Mamma Mia! soundtracks in my room

The signed baseball my uncle got me: pic.twitter.com/xuo4PNZZKH
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) August 18, 2024

😳👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻🫢🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/Sj9gX1tkel
— 🏴‍☠️ Bob Lawrence🟧 🟦Obama #1 (@TrumpluvsObama) August 18, 2024

https://t.co/F29bTANkMT pic.twitter.com/iUgZeIxqyq
— Jay (@synoizia) August 18, 2024

Motherfuckers tryna kill me no thanks pic.twitter.com/Kt5FGY4fZZ
— YMS (Adum) (@2gay2lift) August 18, 2024

https://t.co/iTmP3uR2qW pic.twitter.com/SpEx50zOcq
— Ross W Berman IV (Philosopher Pirate) (@RossWBermanIV) August 18, 2024

No it's not https://t.co/9MQ5v1uo2M
— Madd Slander (@madd___slander) August 18, 2024

August 19

u ever meet someone and u can tell they were heavily involved on campus
— veet (@vveetto) August 19, 2024

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i'm so tired
— declan o'gara (@Declan_OGara) August 19, 2024

So weird that we have a teacher shortage... https://t.co/ddxkLqaAZp
— Marianne Cooper (@coopermarianne) August 20, 2024

Being a consultant would be fun. Like "hmmm… maybe! Here's your invoice."
— J. (@SingularJem) August 19, 2024

commenting "AI... look at the hands" on ppls baby pics
— Johan Lenox (@johanlenox) August 20, 2024

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there's a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: "you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta"

Stewardess: "You should have kept in touch."

💀
— Melissa Perri (@lissijean) August 19, 2024

Our annual tradition of sacrificing billionaires to appease Poseidon is going well I see https://t.co/0A97aYqVJt
— Nerbit (@Nerbit_13098) August 19, 2024

it will never not be funny that someone spent 44 billion dollars to try and become the main character on one specific social media platform and the top two spots are taken up by dril and a menswear critic. $44,000,000,000 to barely make the podium lmao
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) August 19, 2024

Finding out the state of Grimes' child custody battle from a screenshot of her response to "Elon the kkketamine addict" is one reason why I remain trapped here. It rules here in hell https://t.co/2VZsiv2UVy
— Hbomberguy (@Hbomberguy) August 19, 2024

For what, the department of divorce https://t.co/nsk8K6HaOd
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) August 19, 2024

increasingly concerned about Vance's upcoming visit to an open field full of rakes https://t.co/50FBZQ7C8G
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 19, 2024

this is one of the funniest things they've ever come up with https://t.co/DYDmgK9bxD
— Natalie Shure (@nataliesurely) August 19, 2024

This is quicker and funnier than any comedian-responds-to-heckler video I've ever seen https://t.co/eL4i177aJB
— Alex Edelman (@AlexEdelman) August 19, 2024

Hey guys I'm famous https://t.co/eUnI79eiIZ
— amanda 🐢🥥🌴 (@noturtlesoup17) August 19, 2024

Feel like we don't call people "bozos" enough anymore, in spite of the fact that we live in a time with a true abundance of bozos
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) August 19, 2024

this is every podcast pic.twitter.com/oWgJh3iC3r
— Joe Kwaczala (@joekjoek) August 19, 2024

My special "The Crowd Work Tour" was on Netflix in 2015. pic.twitter.com/FCvTN93sxV
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) August 19, 2024

the joy of watching bob's burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) August 20, 2024

Pack it up, pack it in, batman begin
— Ben M-J (@V_Ben) August 19, 2024

no https://t.co/GSVfxVLUfT
— cockgaming32 (@cockgaming32) August 19, 2024

August 20

😂 pic.twitter.com/M48mtKgOj6
— Classic Horror Films (@HorrorHammer1) August 20, 2024

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together... what could you possibly be plotting... you can't even get out of the open window
— Rochelle (@dowdenlordy) August 20, 2024

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don't need to connect to the internet and I shouldn't need to have a password to do my laundry.
— Catieosaurus (@CatieOsaurus) August 20, 2024

Disney: We'll edit our movies because we don't want to be held responsible if a child crawls inside a dryer.

Also Disney: If you subscribe to Disney+ we can kill you. https://t.co/b6KjT95noQ
— MrTARDIS (@TrilbeeReviews) August 21, 2024

i just know they wanted to kill each other after this pic.twitter.com/6uhlFWrigM
— iz (@moogcity4) August 20, 2024

My favorite Yale nepo baby story: a friend bonded with a student of his over both being first gen college students, assuming the kid was also from humble origins. He meets the kid's parents and grandpa at graduation. The grandpa: Paul McCartney https://t.co/KFZ64AmSAu
— Nick (@nkc____) August 20, 2024

some people only went to school to see their mates fr https://t.co/7HojkkUfca
— Temi 💨 (@temiszn) August 20, 2024

Today I got in an Uber and the driver turned around, looked at me and said "you don't have a car?" He really sonned me.
— Ego Nwodim (@eggy_boom) August 21, 2024

Friends vs Seinfeld comes down to this: a perfectly symmetrical 3 girls 3 guys friend group where some of them fuck sometimes but they all stay friends is annoying, unrelatable. But a 3 dudes + 1 weird woman friend group where they don't all necessarily like each other: good
— regan (@unclehaver) August 20, 2024

whatever you have going on in your life pls remember that reggae Led Zeppelin with Elvis on vocals exists #DreadZeppelin pic.twitter.com/yeX1uBaF3o
— JayKeeley (@doomedparade) August 20, 2024

Give Imane another gold medal for this, fantastic news https://t.co/d1ZGsv01z0
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) August 20, 2024

jk rowland outchere deleting tweets the same way karen in goodfellas was flushing coke
— Desus MF Nice💯 (@desusnice) August 20, 2024

batman begin official trailer just dropped https://t.co/YDapeoHQzJ pic.twitter.com/FiMXKiyZJc
— Chris Eames 📼 (@ChrisEamesUK) August 20, 2024

perfect photos, looks like she divorced him because he wouldn't stop wearing a batman costume. zero notes https://t.co/DsbKcPa2Lx
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 21, 2024

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I've been single that whole time.
— sneeeerr (@sneeeeeerrrr) August 21, 2024

she old as FUCK god damn https://t.co/1MpIXOtcBX
— we teach bottoms to shrink themselves (@Chrissssssw) August 20, 2024

the european mind cannot comprehend lil jon doing georgia's roll call pic.twitter.com/Zm5oSTk2UT
— Colin (@ufcolin) August 21, 2024

Gatherers when the food runs out: https://t.co/7KTNrpYaj5
— Jack (@GayLaVie) August 20, 2024

Assassinate a lavender latte maybe https://t.co/8rbm13qgo2
— matti (@matticure) August 20, 2024

Meet The Trumpspic.twitter.com/5cNSta5Z5I https://t.co/pJaaniaWTF
— KAMELA (@_melayela_) August 21, 2024

I'm so glad we went from "when they go low, we go high" to "girl, hold my earrings while I drag this weird mf"
— Angry Staffer 🌻 (@Angry_Staffer) August 21, 2024

Apparently I was describing the wrong Obama. https://t.co/JF063oBP34
— Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) August 21, 2024

folks we have never been closer to the Trump N word post than we are right now. we are 3 minutes to midnight https://t.co/xdTsbew20y
— The Great El Wokismo (@canderaid) August 21, 2024

LIVE: Barack and Michelle from the DNC pic.twitter.com/AmOZLnRgOe
— Nicole Nichelle (@alamanecer) August 21, 2024

The fact that Michelle and Barack are both great speech givers is insane. I know Malia and Sasha were going THROUGH IT when they got in trouble and it was lecture time.
— AC Tatum (@actatumonline) August 21, 2024

pop crave for president they listen to the common man https://t.co/SZw21RRhMi pic.twitter.com/ckdEEoKtdb
— i hate you joe biden (@sonyashea3) August 20, 2024

August 21

The evil beach boys be like: https://t.co/jODRW8Zu8e
— Sgt. Suckdown (@Sgt_Suckdown) August 21, 2024

It only took two years in Miami for Mike McDaniel to go from Best Buy assistant manager to South Beach cocaine kingpin. pic.twitter.com/JxuKOZRU4C
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) August 21, 2024

https://t.co/iAR1rqKxK0 pic.twitter.com/qkZYhPaNZr
— one dozen rats at a keyboard (@PanasonicDX4500) August 21, 2024

jesus... pic.twitter.com/hf47EPjd1x
— X Æ A-XII (@elonmuskssohn) August 21, 2024

I tore this out of a print copy of The Onion twelve years ago and have kept it at my desk ever since. pic.twitter.com/mueELhEZ03
— Mose Buchele (@MoseBuchele) August 21, 2024

i think probably my favorite blue check sellout poster on here is the user named "science girl" who will post a video of a turtle and be like "what the hell is this"
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) August 21, 2024

a duck eating chicken wings is actually very disturbing to me https://t.co/BJG8foVNZ8
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) August 21, 2024

https://t.co/56uu8BArmj pic.twitter.com/ivjP857tiN
— Sydney (@sydneyelainexo) August 21, 2024

I always use "they/them" pronouns when referring to RFK Jr. because I'm talking about both him AND the worm.
— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) August 21, 2024

There's a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he's pacing and going "No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE."
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 21, 2024

It's very clear why she won six Emmy's in a row https://t.co/IqryUdKzd4
— jessie (@normalandnice) August 21, 2024

https://t.co/Kht2IeWYzK pic.twitter.com/zvoi762FIZ
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/FHPHMnYadj
— Jay ⊗ (@jtherandomdude) August 21, 2024

Still unequivocally one of the funniest things of all time pic.twitter.com/g2d1p1fkL5
— the last waltz 1978 (@nickhexum311) August 21, 2024

a fair hit wasted on a cowardly audience tbh pic.twitter.com/v8fih7irYO
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 21, 2024

For my friends not terminally online or on TikTok, there is a man who spoofs JD Vance constantly and pic.twitter.com/vPpPIp4Kul
— Brandi Buchman (@Brandi_Buchman) August 21, 2024

This checks out pic.twitter.com/yzhYjqgrqb
— Conspiratorial Templates (@mynamehear) August 22, 2024

August 22

https://t.co/NdKtwCmtQL pic.twitter.com/5jU0ISkBzZ
— Crowsa Luxemburg (@quendergeer) August 22, 2024

i am so sorry to say that for an unconscionable number of years I thought PUT ME IN COACH was about airplanes
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) August 22, 2024

When your meeting runs over and someone has booked the room pic.twitter.com/jCQPSsI5wM
— Neil Renic (@NC_Renic) August 22, 2024

This will live forever https://t.co/4EMfdP256C
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) August 22, 2024

Why is everyone dunking on JD Vance for his stellar photo op at the donut shop? He completed my 6 week "Connect With The Crowd" Comedy Workshop and I think he did great. https://t.co/RoQxDGyIMp pic.twitter.com/qPfvpRm3Zz
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 22, 2024

"how long you been here?"
"six months."
"ok good. how about you sir?"
"uh two years."
"ok good. how long this place been here?"
"four years"
"ok good." https://t.co/xTomLOtUCx
— Vera🃏 (@VeraDrew22) August 22, 2024

This is possibly the worst advance work I've ever seen

- staff wasn't briefed and doesn't know who he is
- staff declines to be seen on camera
- principal (JD) doesn't know how or what to order
- dead silence between stilted questions
- no supporters included for filler https://t.co/Fp1qb2QxYg
— Conor Rogers (@conorjrogers) August 22, 2024

JD Vance orders donuts like he's wearing a wire
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 23, 2024

JD Vance trying to order doughnuts set to the Veep end credits pic.twitter.com/KvovUevMHX
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) August 22, 2024

This is the same haircut Simple Jack had https://t.co/CpVcww5EuP
— Mike Nelson (@mikenelson586) August 22, 2024

The sacrifice of billionaires helps combat global warming FEED THEM TO THE SEA https://t.co/qtHqf7QTLm
— HomolithicPraxis™️ (@rougennamdi) August 22, 2024

Apologies again to @AndyRichter 27 years later. https://t.co/hJ6EVpaWa3
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) August 22, 2024

https://t.co/y4cexEoGjO pic.twitter.com/raq2Ir3k9Q
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 22, 2024

Anarchy pic.twitter.com/qIL9M4NM2e
— Books and Wine (@booksandwine76) August 22, 2024

I drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was bi, and good old they/thems were drinking oat milk and chai https://t.co/PCFrDTIlxs
— SHANE REACTION (@imshanereaction) August 22, 2024

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
— John Attridge (@John_Attridge) August 22, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 23, 2024

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