Just one more thing, your couch is peeling, musical guests <em>SNL</em> hosts are introducing, unsurprised by eyebrow hair you're losing, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
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<strong>October 1</strong><br>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Don't invite me to yo crib if yo couch peeling because imma peel it some more when you not looking</p>
— Leo 🦅 (@hoeglizzy) <a href="https://twitter.com/hoeglizzy/status/1444131871210754051?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">can't stop thinking about this <a href="https://t.co/eBlJcKGV13">pic.twitter.com/eBlJcKGV13</a></p>
— les mis grunge (@dizzyfuckinbaby) <a href="https://twitter.com/dizzyfuckinbaby/status/1444070666052018182?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 1, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">the best gorilla joke of 1897 is maybe my favorite joke of all time. <a href="https://t.co/afTbszGpqk">pic.twitter.com/afTbszGpqk</a></p>
— Guinevieve 🪲 (@Bug_Grrrl) <a href="https://twitter.com/Bug_Grrrl/status/1444171276604477444?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I love this kid. She's got it absolutely figured out. Emma aged 8 ❤️ <a href="https://t.co/h6L3yTtK57">pic.twitter.com/h6L3yTtK57</a></p>
— Amanda Bail (@1scrummymummy) <a href="https://twitter.com/1scrummymummy/status/1444024564921638917?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 1, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 2</strong><br>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">how horny were dudes in the 50s they were putting their jackets over puddles instead of just asking women to step slightly to the left</p>
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) <a href="https://twitter.com/bocxtop/status/1444377024089362434?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/Y7ZnSlvyfN">pic.twitter.com/Y7ZnSlvyfN</a></p>
— Natalie (@jbfan911) <a href="https://twitter.com/jbfan911/status/1444325536151580689?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">girlfriend: I'm seeing someone behind your back<br>
<br>
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa</p>
— Village of the Adamned (@Browtweaten) <a href="https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1444340434432663557?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 3</strong><br>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If an animal escapes from the zoo I say we just leave it, it's gamed the system, sorry, your city has a wild lion now, that's on you.</p>
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) <a href="https://twitter.com/baddestmamajama/status/1444677790670807051?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If you think $1mil/yr is "rich," guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.<br>
<br>
$22k rent<br>
$6k 24/7 manservant<br>
$2k gourds (decorative)<br>
$4.5k jewels, myrrh<br>
$10k ballooning &amp; balloon upkeep<br>
$7k magazines<br>
$9k condor egg omelettes<br>
$11k misc unguents<br>
<br>
I'm barely getting by.</p>
— Mass for Shut-ins (Podcast) (@edburmila) <a href="https://twitter.com/edburmila/status/1444703587960041472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">we need a 3 day weekend:<br>
1 for errands<br>
1 for social activities<br>
1 for staying in bed like we've got some Victorian wasting disease</p>
— Brennan Caldwell (@BrennanCaldwell) <a href="https://twitter.com/BrennanCaldwell/status/1444769002560045061?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Just found out there is a man in Tulsa, Oklahoma who commissioned an artist named Clayton Coss to use a chainsaw to sculpt a Columbo statue out of a dead tree on his front lawn, couldn't log onto Twitter fast enough to share this information <a href="https://t.co/whPf8FzSYf">pic.twitter.com/whPf8FzSYf</a></p>
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) <a href="https://twitter.com/JFrankensteiner/status/1444846367394996224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 4</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I think she meant retrograde 🧍🏼‍♂️ <a href="https://t.co/GJXweoL2uT">pic.twitter.com/GJXweoL2uT</a></p>
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) <a href="https://twitter.com/SaeedDiCaprio/status/1445194889373835267?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 5, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do</p>
— kristofer thomas (@kristoferthomas) <a href="https://twitter.com/kristoferthomas/status/1445103137841418250?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."<br>
<br>
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.</p>
— Kate Wright 🧡 (@KatezRight) <a href="https://twitter.com/KatezRight/status/1445072999279902745?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">What's the weirdest thing you ever got in trouble at work for?<br>
<br>
I was accused of being disrespectful because the six people I CCd on an email weren't listed in order of seniority.</p>
— Katie Harrington (@katieharr1988) <a href="https://twitter.com/katieharr1988/status/1445108092656623629?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 5</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Monster movie actor between takes <a href="https://t.co/xCRfvHnRNm">pic.twitter.com/xCRfvHnRNm</a></p>
— Rehearsals For Retirement (@FugaziTruther) <a href="https://twitter.com/FugaziTruther/status/1445438211384348673?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 5, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/Gwi2gp2YUL">pic.twitter.com/Gwi2gp2YUL</a></p>
— Brittany Tomes | VocalTomes 🎙🤖🏳️‍🌈 (She / Her) (@VocalTomes) <a href="https://twitter.com/VocalTomes/status/1445523453512060936?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 5, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">ok some of these sites are lying about how many free articles I've read</p>
— 🐛 Emma Stefansky 🐛 (@stefabsky) <a href="https://twitter.com/stefabsky/status/1445489138145247235?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 5, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 6</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Thinking again about how the names Arctic and Antarctica just means "bears" and "no bears."</p>
— Amanda Smith (@AmandaSmithSays) <a href="https://twitter.com/AmandaSmithSays/status/1445795831748038658?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 6, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">me at 20: i just gave blood, I'll only have six beers<br>
<br>
me at 33: apples hurt my tummy</p>
— fred scare podcast (@fspieler) <a href="https://twitter.com/fspieler/status/1445863571347410944?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 6, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I started losing my eyebrow hairs pretty rapidly this year so I went to a dermatologist to get a diagnosis — when he said I have alopecia I told him I was shocked. He said "you don't look surprised." I was like "I know because I don't have eyebrows."</p>
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) <a href="https://twitter.com/samlymatters/status/1445828106787426304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 6, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<strong>October 7</strong><br>
&nbsp;
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/Fab3Neo3mp">pic.twitter.com/Fab3Neo3mp</a></p>
— SNL Hosts Introducing the Musical Guest (@snlhostsintro) <a href="https://twitter.com/snlhostsintro/status/1446271668788236296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 8, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i feel this energy in my bones <a href="https://t.co/1Pi6d7yJ4v">https://t.co/1Pi6d7yJ4v</a></p>
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) <a href="https://twitter.com/clareblackwood/status/1446189586036707329?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 7, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Y'all was tellin us Covid came from cell phone service a year ago. I ain't forget.</p>
— Drew Comments (@sjs856) <a href="https://twitter.com/sjs856/status/1446087919475777546?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 7, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">To those asking why… They want us to put mayonnaise in our coffee. I won't tolerate it. <a href="https://t.co/JbZUcHLjBc">https://t.co/JbZUcHLjBc</a></p>
— Dionne Warwick (@dionnewarwick) <a href="https://twitter.com/dionnewarwick/status/1446194566239948831?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 7, 2021</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

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Latest Coverage

Dan Mangan Shares New Track "Find New Ways"

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