The Jokeroni, the tinder swindler's phony, once you corny, honking bc horny, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 4

Kanye said "since this is my first divorce.." I'm sorry I'm screaming why did he lead with that LOOOOOL
— omo (@omointhislife) February 4, 2022

Getting a PhD takes around 6 years and stipends range from 15-30k a year on average

Clown college is 8 weeks and a clown salary is around 45-56k a year on average

What have I done…
— Andréa "Dre" Becker (@andreavbecker) February 4, 2022

[seeing 896,000 people die in less than two years] wow, we've added 700,000 new jobs never seen anything like this before I wonder how it happened
— Todd (@Todd_J) February 4, 2022

I think a lot of women have convinced themselves they're sad when they're actually furious
— Christina Tucker (@xtinatucker) February 4, 2022

"you talk to yourself?" yeah, that's my homie
— vik (@vikonyt) February 4, 2022

Sweating as a grizzly bear stands behind me tapping his foot. https://t.co/5khmGJRtap
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) February 4, 2022

man: humpty dumpty fell off the wall

king: who?

man: the giant egg guy

king: what–

man: we need your horses and men to try and put him back together

king: okay *turns to.advisor and whispers* what the fuck is going on
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) February 4, 2022

February 5

it's very realistic, he's a bassist https://t.co/nQS3RtzZvs
— casper moon (@mountbellyache) February 5, 2022

When I was bartending men would say weird shit like "you're only being nice to me for a tip aren't you?" Yes. I'm at work. This is my job.
— Suki's Mom (@sammajammaz) February 6, 2022

I like when men explain basic things to me because in my mind it's not mansplaining, it's more like when a toddler is really excited to tell you about dinosaurs and you're like that's right cutie! you're so smart!! only one of us is being condescending and it's me
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) February 5, 2022

I just asked my boyfriend what tinder swindler is and he said 'that actress who looks like david bowie'
— beth ashley (@bethmayashley) February 5, 2022

can't tell if honking bc hate Trudeau or honking bc horny 🧐
— 🤙🏻soso🤙🏻 (@sophiebuddle) February 5, 2022

Guys, are you sure it's a good idea to bring up proof of ownership? pic.twitter.com/ZxtSvOUuV0
— Josh Glendinning (@joshglendinning) February 5, 2022

Imagining the Batman pizza we could have had pic.twitter.com/QaceQ40ZO2
— Rob Sheridan (@rob_sheridan) February 5, 2022

It's very funny that a bunch of comedians stuck their neck out for Rogan and within 24 hours a supercut of him saying the n-word a hundred times went viral
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) February 5, 2022

I love thinking and hearing about Joe Rogan every day. Ever since I was a young boy this has been my dream.
— joe randazzo (@Randazzoj) February 5, 2022

I feel like the most realistic part of Seinfeld is the fact his best friends never go to his shows.
— Alex Price (@AlexPriceIndeed) February 5, 2022

February 6

joe rogan: my comedy is brave

johnny knoxville: i am going to eat spaghetti in a cage with a rhino
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 6, 2022

My favorite comedy bit on Joe Rogan's podcast is when he doesn't tell any jokes and then interviews a race scientist and silently nods as they say the most racist thing you've ever heard
— Jesse's New Year of Tweeting (@MuskTillDawn) February 6, 2022

Joe Rogan is popular because he lets young men feel like their high school bully finally wants to hang out with them
— Ian Danskin (@InnuendoStudios) February 7, 2022

I have alot of comedians who i consider my close friends, people who have met my family, opened doors for me, traveled the world with. But if any one of them has to have between 70-116 podcast episodes removed for saying racial slurs you will never catch me dick riding this hard. pic.twitter.com/GkDVBW4gMK
— Whacktose Intolerant (@MillyTamarez) February 6, 2022

the comedian's job is to point at the guy in the audience who knows what he's talking about
— Johan Miranda (@JohanComedy) February 6, 2022

It is not a comedian's job to be a moral authority. Their job is to question if a shrimp really fried this rice
— Brittany Van Horne (@_brittanyv) February 6, 2022

can men do anything else besides podcasts? when are they going back to war
— Queen Kitten 👑 (@ElaniKitten) February 6, 2022

Jaws is a timeless masterpiece because it's premised on a raw, primal truth: the four types of guy are cop, scientist, fisherman, and mayor.
— "Lice survivor." in bio (@alexqarbuckle) February 6, 2022

As the father of a toddler here are some tips the police can use to deal with this trucker tantrum.

1. Offer them fruit, it's often a real gamechanger.

2. Try to engage them with a joke they like.

3. Show them videos of other trucks on your phone.
— Pat Thornton (@patthornton) February 7, 2022

Iphone users: Holds down an app to delete it

The rest of the apps: pic.twitter.com/HFVTTO09fY
— Jag Ubani (@Jag_ubani) February 6, 2022

uh oh pic.twitter.com/i7kCUsJDJA
— Luke (@LloBrow) February 7, 2022

what if we kissed on the purely decorative Popeyes balcony pic.twitter.com/PNvQzOGP3N
— the glennis show (@theglennisshow) February 6, 2022

imagine having all that Tesla technology just to get rear ended by my 2006 camry
— Cocomelon! (@jazz_inmypants) February 6, 2022

February 7

My Tesla got hacked and is doing donuts in my yard, and I can't get in because the handles have frozen over. It is blaring La Bamba at 3am and the tires have started to melt. To be clear, this is my fault. I have no issue with Tesla.
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) February 7, 2022

big news, my bodega guy promoted me from "boss" to "my brother"
— dan the rock yang (@realDANYANG) February 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/d7cze41Dc8
— mr. joshua (@pants) February 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/IEs3wC93It
— Allie Levitan (@alliegeelev) February 8, 2022

how do people live in LA? aren't you worried about running into james corden
— maddy rose fellows (@mabbylmao) February 7, 2022

(Fred Schneider voice) pic.twitter.com/BGf0juKgqQ
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) February 8, 2022

Minecraft proves that abolishing child labour was a mistake. The children yearn for the mines.
— Froggenþuſiaſt (@Froggenthusias1) February 7, 2022

February 8

pic.twitter.com/K95R9MKnLS
— music struggles (@musicstruggles1) February 8, 2022

Somebody said "Once you corny to me you on the cob forever" 😭 😭 😭
— Beeno (@superduperBROCK) February 8, 2022

living in brooklyn is easy. I just walked into a coffee shop where three baristas were critiquing some dude one of them matched with on hinge and I said "scorpio men are cancelled" I have no idea what that means but they all shrieked gleefully and then gave me a free cappuccino
— "hannah" "seidlitz" (@HannahSeidlitz) February 8, 2022

Daughter just saw Toy Story for the first time. Loved it. But she said she wants to see the origin story of the human Buzz Lightyear that the toy is based on
— ben "darth normal" flores (@limitlessjest) February 9, 2022

my toxic trait is being productive for 20 mins and then giving my self a 2 hour break
— ًcortez (@cxrtezs) February 9, 2022

getting a passive aggressive email at work is so funny, no way u want to fight me over an excel file
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) February 8, 2022

one of the most brutal KOs ive ever seen on this site pic.twitter.com/WooLfcyB5U
— raf (@prafxis) February 8, 2022

Canada's premiers: "Thanks to those who did everything that was asked of them without complaining, we can now pander to those who did nothing but complain."
— Marc Coward (@MarcCoward) February 9, 2022

My girlfriend said Valentine's Day is really important to her so I can't wait to see what she has planned for us
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) February 9, 2022

would've started saving money in kindergarten if i knew life was gon be like this
— $𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ (@slvppy) February 8, 2022

February 9

the tinder swindler is so wild to me because if any man told me "my enemies are after me I need $25k" I would be like damn that's crazy, good luck though
— jodie (@jodieegrace) February 10, 2022

ripping the lil panties off a Reese's is the most erotic thing you can do
— Ashley Gavin (@AshGavs) February 9, 2022

I am begging you, from the bottom of my heart, to tell me what you think is closed. pic.twitter.com/eaQOAFl6Ne
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) February 9, 2022

One of the hardest Wikipedia thumbnail texts ever pic.twitter.com/AOKH6NN2ZG
— Vince (@Vint13) February 9, 2022

It's funny when I was a kid I thought you grew up to become an adult but now I know that you actually become a kid's brain in a giant sack of crap that hurts
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) February 9, 2022

At this point . I'm taking her phone away pic.twitter.com/CiTZA4e0bx
— TACOBELLA (@Rico_nastyy) February 9, 2022

"I can't have my child wearing a mask all day in school", says the adult who has them living in a rig for 12 days with 12 to 16 hours of air horns in their ears and exhaust all around them. Smh.
— Rae Girl 🇨🇦 (@The_Rae_Girl) February 9, 2022

February 10

every week is just 5 days of the most boring suffering and then 2 days of distracting yourself from the next 5 days...forever??
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) February 10, 2022

Not many people know that Dr. Frankenstein was the winner of the very first bodybuilding competition.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) February 10, 2022

watching the simpsons for the first time is like. wow. this is where you guys get your jokes from
— Resident Evil: Code Veronika Voss (@steelydante) February 10, 2022

I mean your energy flagged once
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) February 10, 2022

So many columns now are just "Here's the kooky way I'm an asshole!" pic.twitter.com/9pxmZxFx5u
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) February 10, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 11, 2022

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