Stone Cold

They actually tried to make a star out of football hero Brian Bosworth in the early ’90s and all they have to show for the effort is this overheated, undernourished actioner. Bosworth plays Joe Huff, a badass cop with a peroxide mullet who’s just been suspended for insubordination. Lucky for him the FBI wants him to infiltrate a biker gang, a job that takes our man into the lair of "the Brotherhood” and their black-hearted leader, Chains (Lance Henriksen). Huff is just supposed to expose the gang’s connections with the mafia but in the process he uncovers a plot to kill the local law-and-order D.A. and massacre the state supreme court, leading to a climax too preposterous to enumerate here. Given the hard R violence, grotty tone and generally shamelessness of most of the participants, this should be way more fun but the production is so feeble and rinky-dink that the film practically dares you to suspend disbelief. Lord knows I don’t ask much of a shoot-’em-up with a football player but the flagrantly lackadaisical approach to both script and direction is a slap in the face to even hardened action fanciers. The hero proves utterly ineffectual at doing anything about the Brotherhood’s dirty dealings other than exacerbate the situation. Plus, the B’hood itself seems pretty moronic, as only a gang of idiots would think that their final assault could actually work. Bosworth is okay in the lead but most of the other actors are either way out of their depth (such as Arabella Holzbog as Chains’ girlfriend) or seasoned professionals completely flummoxed by the sub-Schwarzenegger one-liners of the script. Final verdict: stone cold dead on arrival.