Opie Gets Laid James Ricardo

As far as ultra-low budget, two-shot, single-location, slightly puerile, misanthropic, male, first-person fantasies go, Opie Gets Laid isn't entirely terrible, it's just sloppy and impossible to take seriously. Taking place almost exclusively in an L.A. loft, the film follows Opie (James Ricardo, who is also the writer/director, natch), a 30-year-old virgin who leaves the house only to buy pizza, doughnuts, hand cream and porn. This routine is interrupted when a horny bisexual pothead named Thai (April Wade) shows up on his doorstep looking for a zoftig prostitute and doesn't leave. While Thai initially tries to set Opie up with women of the online variety, she eventually starts bonking the shut-in herself, despite having romantic ties to a lipstick lesbian named Dakota (Ute Werner). Further complications lead to Opie and Dakota getting pelvic, while Opie strikes up a carnal relationship with an internet skank named Rain (Jesselynn Desmond). As this is a movie written and directed by a fairly solipsistic male, the three girls agree to a fornication schedule when they all find out about each other because girls are apparently like that outside of Big Love. Rather than the typical nudity and sex romps, this self-proclaimed comedy finds raunchiness in mothers who ask about circumcision, women who train their dogs to perform cunnilingus and rear access oral sex. Fleeting observations about man's tendency to worry more about his physical appearance when the possibility of fornication exists come about, as do some generic, but not untrue, observations about the general ignorance of the majority of the population but mostly, Opie flounders around, tossing out jokes that never connect. Included with the DVD is a commentary track with writer/director/star James Ricardo, along with a track featuring the three main actresses. The track with Ricardo is informative and embarrassing, as he occasionally describes things as "Kubrick-esque," which is just wrong. The other track is more amusing, as they make fun of the film and genuinely don't understand what the name "Thai" has to do with weed. (Lightyear)