Two types of baby birds, are you using a unique password, pics for landlords, what crypto is building toward, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 11

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
— chompie (@chompie1337) February 11, 2022

IF ITS A NETFLIX SERIES WHY IS IT LEAVING NETFLIX??😭
— leiah !!!?!!??!???.!?? (@beauIune) February 11, 2022

That move when the manager ducked under the table has me crying laughing

"That is against my HIPAA law!" pic.twitter.com/UTYgdBiGqM
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) February 11, 2022

love the day after your period ends when u wake up and u want to live and u have so many ideas about how to improve this country's roads and bridges
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) February 11, 2022

This is the rom-com I want pic.twitter.com/w3cbZrZwQH
— Liz Hsiao Lan Alper (@LizAlps) February 12, 2022

me when I'm 75: is he in our grade
— Courtney O'Donnell (@thisiscourtnay) February 12, 2022

I knocked on the door and asked how much for an abortion. They seemed confused. pic.twitter.com/Mfa7jupCcw
— Michelle Shaughnessy (@Michellesfunny) February 11, 2022

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea "and vice versa."
— Daniel O'Brien (@DOB_INC) February 12, 2022

February 12

What's with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) February 12, 2022

Skiing is nuts. There's an easier way to get down from there
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) February 12, 2022

there's no reason this couldn't be 3, maybe 4 dudes even pic.twitter.com/irfaAnqSYE
— dan the rock yang (@realDANYANG) February 12, 2022

she's gonna be so happy 🥲 pic.twitter.com/vceWNkGauu
— john patrick (@john_from_hr) February 13, 2022

Sorry but who is so busy that they need to 69
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) February 12, 2022

Just quietly said "please leave me alone" out loud to my email 😂🤣🙃
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) February 12, 2022

pic.twitter.com/XxIkCmogxr
— 𝗕𝗜𝗢𝗣𝗛△𝗡𝗬 (@Biophany) February 12, 2022

Trucker scientists say 1 century of Indigenous people being oppressed nearly equal to 2 years of white people being asked to wear masks
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) February 12, 2022

Uhhhh pic.twitter.com/sgVUH25W2X
— Graph Crimes (@GraphCrimes) February 12, 2022

pic.twitter.com/5p2exaoMaa
— @barelymarch online fan club (@barelymarch) February 12, 2022

kanye talking about pete davidson like he voldemort
— Hivemind (@hivemindassoc) February 12, 2022

February 13

Waiting for Kanye to post this next pic.twitter.com/BEAFmSgdcG
— 𝕵𝕭 𖤐 (@JBou_) February 13, 2022

this is funnier than anything pete davidson has ever said pic.twitter.com/mHehd0FJBy
— lili michelle لیلی (@lilsmichelle) February 13, 2022

these are the dudes that are beefing rn pic.twitter.com/3adL9ZcNKU
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) February 14, 2022

kanye announcing he's not being hacked is funny asf bc nobody thought that was the case😭
— miss martian (@f8the) February 13, 2022

so does kanyes gf just sit by the side and watch him beg for kim to come back 😭
— col (@o_colleen_ooo) February 13, 2022

Kanye's manager every 2 hours pic.twitter.com/xY9VIANiZV
— Dobbo 🔮 (@DobboCD) February 13, 2022

Incredible. So important. pic.twitter.com/FmERB17Lan
— Jason Diamond (@imjasondiamond) February 14, 2022

everybody born between 1985 and 1995 saw the Super Bowl halftime show lineup and was like "sweet, instead of doing a show for old people like the Rolling Stones or Paul McCartney or The Who they did one for us young people"

and then 10 seconds later it hit us
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) February 13, 2022

one year the Super Bowl halftime show should just be like, a clown or a magician
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 13, 2022

Nothing will ever top 2012's halftime show idc pic.twitter.com/zMWFlC7PZT
— 𝕲𝖔𝖙𝖍 𝕾𝖕𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖗-𝕸𝖆𝖓 🕸 ☂︎ (@tinyspiderlegs) February 13, 2022

nobody:

super bowl commercials: whether it's crypto or sports gambling, losing your money has never been this exciting
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) February 14, 2022

One reason I still have trouble believing crypto currency is money is that there aren't commercials for money.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) February 14, 2022

The first thing I saw on Tiktok today 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/oqChjkXx3r
— Ollie Vargas (@OVargas52) February 13, 2022

Omg I'm sorry I'm just responding to your message, we accidentally created a world where you have to keep track of 15 messaging apps at all times and also it's been a pandemic for two years and also also I have turbo brain fog due to said pandemic
— Josie Brechner 🌺🗡 (@visagermusic) February 13, 2022

This boggles the mind from a grammatical standpoint. You had the object pronoun sitting.right.there. pic.twitter.com/5WE22myEjd
— Parker Hamilton Poling (@parkerpoling) February 13, 2022

February 14

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today's Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
— John Kapetaneas (@JohnKapetaneas) February 14, 2022

Wordle but for trying to think of your friends' kids' names
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 15, 2022

I asked a stranger to grab a mouthwash on the top shelf for me because it was too high and he said no. I am so fucking humiliated😭
— Sharlene ⚯⚡ (@sfergs_) February 15, 2022

Tell me you've never been up close to a woman, without telling me you've never been up close to a woman…

This dude will go first: pic.twitter.com/glRRULUJjT
— Jesse Cox (@JesseCox) February 15, 2022

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
— Colm Flynn (@colmflynnire) February 14, 2022

february 14 but theres no 1 4 me
— pain (@lilpain1k) February 14, 2022

todays podcast episode summarized pic.twitter.com/8rK8ig8LEp
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) February 15, 2022

Hey everyone, don't forget to recycle! pic.twitter.com/jtS9xtoCjI
— carol leonard (@laughingcat2016) February 14, 2022

I feel as though Doug's plan to reopen early will work because it worked well the first four times also.
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) February 14, 2022

"I haven't cried since 1997" — Julia Fox pic.twitter.com/28VN0THCkQ
— Hannah Tindle (@hannahtindle) February 14, 2022

every time y'all post a Kanye screenshot I go to his ig to see if it's real
— LEFT CHEEK LEFT CHEEK LEFT CHEEK (@glolikelena) February 15, 2022

pic.twitter.com/fqofVupxd5
— music struggles (@musicstruggles1) February 14, 2022

February 15

Me pic.twitter.com/gSiAy4Yg1n
— livia 🦄 (@astrolivia) February 16, 2022

writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. "he walked feetily into the kitchen" that's how you sound
— jame (@videojame_) February 15, 2022

hi twitter I just learned that the UK edition of dollar tree is this and I may never recover pic.twitter.com/EegXUwFV32
— Margaret McDeadlines Owen (@what_eats_owls) February 16, 2022

big things are going on on reddit pic.twitter.com/DkwqGSE3z4
— isaac (@cummilkshake) February 15, 2022

Someone at Pixar deleted all of Toy Story 2 and the backup hadn't worked for a month, and the only reason we saw that movie was b/c someone on maternity leave had a copy of it on her home computer.

Her name is Galyn Susman and she is now the producer for the new Lightyear movie!
— Chris Albon (@chrisalbon) February 15, 2022

it's really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
— Eve (@eve_kenneally) February 15, 2022

Since it's Megan Thee Stallion's birthday I'm gonna do a lil thread of all the times she's said she's taking my dad to the mall
— Sweetie Bird Is Not Returning To Therapy (@heartemojie) February 15, 2022

My favorite game to play at 1am is Why Is My Cat Wet
— luci 🏳️‍🌈 (@lucifinucan) February 16, 2022

Fucked Up Looking Pizza Signs pic.twitter.com/UPot5m1xBn
— Fucked Up Looking Pizzas (@fuckeduppizzas) February 15, 2022

This is all building toward big companies paying workers in their own made-up cryptocurrencies, everybody realizes that, right?
— preorder CHAOTIC NEUTRAL now (@edburmila) February 15, 2022

new rule: you only have to work between the hours of ur height. I'm 5'6'', so I only work from 5-6pm
— Alex Dobrenko (@Dobrenkz) February 15, 2022

February 16

please look at how my adorable mom is fixing holes in my dad's work clothes pic.twitter.com/AKMOf1pvbD
— sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) (@cottoncandaddy) February 16, 2022

my dad was trying to call me a feminist but he couldn't remember the word for it and instead he called me a womanizer… i am never letting him live this down
— ☻ (@wiz_khalidah) February 16, 2022

motorcycle smut mags from the late 70s/early 80s are truly perfect pic.twitter.com/YhMsV61RW8
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) February 16, 2022

I've been looking at so many photos of baby birds recently and here are my conclusions pic.twitter.com/9yLgSW1Ty7
— Ida (@ncdraw) February 16, 2022

Exchange I'm currently having with my landlord. pic.twitter.com/ItvWXxbw48
— Patrick T. Shepherd (@PatrickTShep) February 17, 2022

This Ottawa resident is a national treasure.

"A part of our history" pic.twitter.com/gO0RuTa3Eh
— Justin Jackson (@mijustin) February 17, 2022

the key to atlantis https://t.co/uJ03qpH5Ap
— Pope💪 (@punishedpope) February 17, 2022

What the fuck do I press pic.twitter.com/ZE9wJXN6AV
— budum (@TimAllenItalian) February 16, 2022

There is literally no way pic.twitter.com/Abwfx1rpSu
— tia (@califortia) February 17, 2022

February 17

I'm tired of people saying "here's my go to lazy meal" and then they start chopping an onion
— naledi (@naledimashishi) February 17, 2022

no notes…i don't know how they'll top this one pic.twitter.com/1qSuWt5nZF
— ivan : ) (@JoannaNewSum41) February 17, 2022

"Our concept is, you've been milking swans and now you're done milking swans" pic.twitter.com/xm6smzn2h2
— Norm Wilner (@normwilner) February 17, 2022

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
— Anthony McHats (@TheHatStore) February 17, 2022

pic.twitter.com/DpTDvckGlJ
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 17, 2022

​This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 18, 2022

Latest Coverage

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 18, 2022