Journey 2: The Mysterious Island [Blu-Ray]

I have a weird feeling that in about 20 years, Western culture will drop the pretence of forming an ersatz narrative around something like Journey 2 The Mysterious Island and just call it Action-Adventure Movie with Visual Effects: Family-Friendly. They could still hire celebrities known more for being famous than acting and have them run around in peril, only writers wouldn't have to go to the trouble of trying to frame the thing around some bogus morality lesson while balancing the need for a traditional climax and a half-assed love story. The Rock could stand in a field and say, "I have big muscles to compensate for my limited intelligence and bland personality." Vanessa Hudgens might reply with, "I like pancakes." Then, a giant lizard could pop out and chase them for 20 minutes while Luis Guzman exclaims, "Aye, Chihuahua," and trips over crap inexplicably (because racial stereotypes are hilarious). This really isn't far from what The Mysterious Island actually is, only here the creative team felt compelled to contextualize the giant lizard with an explanation about animals inversely reflecting their size in the normal world on this nutty island. Similarly, the actual justification and rationale behind this group of people running amok on said island are little more than awkward filler ― implying something about Josh Hutcherson's whole rebellious teen routine in relation to his missing grandfather and a Jules Verne puzzle ― standing in the way of giant bumblebee chases and lingering close-ups of Hudgens' behind in very short shorts. No one cares what Journey has to say about life or what sort of emotional plights the interchangeable, clichéd characters are going through, especially when the actors look as bored as the hired writer surely was when approaching this crass studio exercise in exploitive condescension. So why not get down to the nitty-gritty and work the hell out of the whole 3D thing and ignore the whole "story" routine? It's pointless. Included with the Blu-Ray is an interactive island map, which is really just a framing device for visual effects explanations and set visits, as hosted by Josh Hutcherson, with all the enthusiasm of someone on Quaaludes.