August 4
In Trump's World:
— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) August 4, 2018
Obama: Kenyan
LeBron James: dumb
Don Lemon: dumb
Maxine Waters: low IQ
black countries: shitholes
black athletes: SOBs
Black tenants: unwelcome
Black workers: lazy
Central Park 5: guilty
Mexicans: rapists
Muslims: terrorists
Indians: fake
Nazis: very fine people
I will never be as successful as this small duck pic.twitter.com/T8XwbSr4nZ
— Amy Schwartz (@lizardschwartz) August 4, 2018
the proud boys parked all their cars in a fred meyer parking lot in vancouver before getting shuttled to the waterfront and fred meyer towed ALL of their cars to the $1000 impound lot.
— cld (@v_p_xx) August 5, 2018
You can just get a divorce. pic.twitter.com/YjbAq30cXB
— Evan DeSimone (@Smorgasboredom) August 4, 2018
WWE once ran an angle where Vince McMahon's limo exploded and Trump called their office because he didn't know if it was fake. https://t.co/2FdnNJL7nx
— Michael Arria (@michaelarria) August 4, 2018
a good way to relax while being a little bit irritated and uncomfortable the entire time is going to the beach
— your own personal jesus (@Kappa_Kappa) August 4, 2018
The Jeff Lynne dog never fails to make me laugh pic.twitter.com/jZa0zeQlp4
— nuanced opinion guy (@charles_kinbote) August 5, 2018
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
— l¡l¡! (@lilijohnsonxx) August 4, 2018
August 5
does anyone else apologize to the waiter when they bring you the wrong order? I AM SO SORRY I HAD THE AUDACITY TO ASK FOR NOT WHAT THIS IS
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 5, 2018
I've seen this commercial many times but never really listened to it until now and it's pretty wild pic.twitter.com/cMpspx5uUw
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) August 6, 2018
him: I think we should see other people
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) August 5, 2018
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Hear me out: A printer but it works.
— Riki Lindhome (@rikilindhome) August 6, 2018
One of my favourite things ever is the 300 year gap in Irish inventions after whiskey was invented pic.twitter.com/PL3TV1O9OL
— Mark Hayes (@trickaduu) August 6, 2018
excellent bag at belfast pride yesterday pic.twitter.com/TFuUt9hYF9
— alex ☭ (@alexdotmoore) August 5, 2018
Mary Shelly lost her virginity on her mom's grave, facilitated a lesbian wedding, and carried her dead husband's heart around in a bag, so, yeah, I agree, let's return to traditional values. pic.twitter.com/GvB8Rm8YWq
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) August 5, 2018
omg you're straight!! wow. like, how does that even work??! how do you have sex? omfg when did you know that you're straight? haven't you tried being gay? maybe you just haven't met the right person yet…. but wow you're straight. HEY EVERYONE THIS IS MY STRAIGHT FRIEND.
— ALEXANDER J. (@ItsAlexJackson) August 5, 2018
Stephen King's son looks like Jason Schwartzman wearing a Stephen King costume. pic.twitter.com/7bjn6oJTMs
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) August 5, 2018
August 6
me when i started on twitter // me now pic.twitter.com/61IFjHkZ5s
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 6, 2018
Where's my #QAnon peeps?
— Dana Gould (@danagould) August 6, 2018
Here's a conspiracy for you. Google "Luther Blissett" - the pseudonym for a collective of underground leftist Italians. Specifically their novel Q, published in the 90's.
Then try to accept that your two month old belief system is someone's prank.
Alex Jones went to war with info and was finally defeated.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) August 6, 2018
Infowars wasn't even really banned from anywhere it's all a hoax and Alex Jones is s crisis actor.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 7, 2018
Ah, yes. This certainly happened. Just like the time you got into a fight playing basketball in Philadelphia and had to move in with your relatives in Bel-Air https://t.co/Cq5DCouB4I
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 6, 2018
Facebook: We have banned Infowars
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) August 6, 2018
Apple: We have banned Infowars
Twitter: Your account has been banned for tweeting "Sandy Hook really happened you idiot" at @UnJewTheMedia
In honor of Rick Gates torpedoing Paul Manafort's entire life in court today, I hereby submit, once again, for posterity, the single greatest exchange in the history of sworn testimony, the American legal system, global jurisprudence and time. Take it away, Donald Sterling... pic.twitter.com/MTcJkD99a5
— Geoff LaTulippe (Draft 2.0) (@DoctorGML) August 6, 2018
7yo, in the other room: slowwwwwly shit
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 6, 2018
Me: what??
7yo: sorry, I know I'm not supposed to say the s-word!
Me: yeah but what did you say right before it?
7yo: slowly?
Me: but why?
7yo: I don't know, people just say "slowly shit"
Me: ... oh, you mean holy shit
Holy Shit! https://t.co/RF28PvMwvm
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) August 7, 2018
August 7
[evolution of a work email]
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) August 7, 2018
FUCK YOU I SPECIFICALLY SAID-
*deletedeletedelete*
If you had taken the time to actually read wha-
*deletedeletedelete*
Apologies, I will be more clear next time :)
every band has one person that looks like an extreme normie and you're always like "what are they doing there??" but the answer is: they own a car
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) August 7, 2018
If you've ever wondered just how much harrassment men go through when walking the streets of New York City alone, now you know. pic.twitter.com/KYVjE4Yztq
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) August 7, 2018
August 8
I just found out I have a FUNKY WHITE SISTER😳😩😂🤣 forreal doe😂🤣& she brought her home girl with her from da hood that keep tip toeing in the background with a plate of food🤣 yo I'm done!😂 but she straight killed "Work It" sound effects & all🙌🏾 I love it🔥🙌🏾 pic.twitter.com/Rg9TTHAqu2
— Missy Elliott (@MissyElliott) August 8, 2018
these gender reveals gettin outta hand https://t.co/B3Nb9DG0bn
— AngelTFC (@AngeITFC) August 9, 2018
LISTEN I WOULD LOVE TO GRAB A DRINK TONIGHT BUT I WILL BE BUSY OPENING AND CLOSING THE SAME THREE APPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I GO TO SLEEP
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 9, 2018
My 4 year old cousin said "if a Happy Meal is for kids, then grown-ups must eat Sad Meals" and it was the most real thing I've ever heard.
— rav (@Doughbvy) August 8, 2018
August 9
the 4 journalists
— Official Enya VEVO (@nachdermas) August 9, 2018
1. leftist/progressive: freelance, extremely active on twitter
2. mainstream/centrist: funded by a think tank, doesn't understand irony
3. right wing: thinks everything is reverse racism
4. vice: just like, drinking cum for a week & writing journal entries
Hmm, the entrance exam for the Space Force seems kind of odd pic.twitter.com/I3wdxOZoRK
— beloved comedy institution "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) August 10, 2018
this photo from a high school drunk driving demonstration is the most metal thing i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/MXIjRjXqO4
— wheels (@wheelswordsmith) August 9, 2018
There were no obituaries in today's paper. People are calling, wondering what happened to them. Just ... nobody died.
— Colin Roger MacLean (@JournalPMacLean) August 9, 2018
Banana: I'm not ripe yet
— Kwame Mbalia and Tristan Strong 💪🏿 (@KSekouM) August 9, 2018
Banana: I'm not ripe yet
Banana: I'm not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i'm r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I'M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
August 10
"Hi, I know damn well that the players are protesting racial injustice, not the National Anthem, but this crap plays great with my base. Hey, remember my full-page ad demanding the death penalty for the innocent Central Park 5 before they even went to trial? Hahaha, good times." https://t.co/dttmaQ9UY4
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) August 10, 2018
Love and light to the girl on a date next to me last night who paused for a beat, drank her wine, and then said "Would you?" when the dude said "I'd say my one inspiration as an artist is Quentin Tarantino."
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) August 10, 2018
Do bisexuals have sex twice a month or every two months?
— joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) August 10, 2018
