The Vatican Forgives the Beatles for Being "Satanic"

The Vatican Forgives the Beatles for Being 'Satanic'
After a recent bout of scandalous child molestation charges, the Catholic Church is doing its best to save face and move on. As a result, the church has declared its unabashed love for a different group of boys, namely, the Beatles.

L'Osservatore Romano, the official newspaper of the Vatican, celebrated the group in its weekend edition. Remembering the band during the 40-year anniversary of their break-up, the article praised their music while looking over their unholy lifestyle, even if the band "put out mysterious messages, that were possibly even Satanic."

"It's true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives. They even said they were more famous than Jesus," the article stated. "But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless. Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels."

The article goes on to describe the group as "the longest-lasting, most consistent and representative phenomenon in the history of pop music." L'Osservatore editor-in-chief Giovanni Maria Vian went as far as defending John Lennon's controversial 1966 statement that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus," telling the Associated Press, "it wasn't that scandalous, because the fascination with Jesus was so great that it attracted these new heroes of the time."

In response to the article, Ringo Starr told CNN, "Didn't the Vatican say we were satanic or possibly satanic - and they've still forgiven us? I think the Vatican, they've got more to talk about than the Beatles."