Sufjan Stevens is releasing a massive vinyl box set to commemorate the 10th anniversary of his cherished magnum opus, Carrie & Lowell, on Friday (May 30), and offered a reevaluation of the album in a weighty new interview with NPR, saying he's actually "kind of embarrassed" by it.
The deluxe edition of the 10th anniversary reissue features an essay where the singer-songwriter reflects on the familial tragedy and grief that informed the record, including the death of his estranged mother. In that piece, Stevens described the process of making Carrie & Lowell as "painful, humiliating, and an utter miscarriage of bad intentions. My grief manifested as self-loathing and misery. Every song I tried to write became a weapon aimed against me, an indictment of ignorance, blame, resentment and misappropriation."
He expanded upon this sentiment while speaking with NPR's Robin Hilton, explaining, "I think this album is evidence of creative and artistic failure from my vantage point. I was trying to make sense of something that is senseless. I felt that I was being manipulative and self-centred and solipsistic and self-loathing, and that the approach that I had taken to my work, which is to kind of create beauty from chaos, was failing me. It was very frustrating."
The artist said, "And for the first time I realized that not everything can be sublimated into art, that some things just remain unsolvable, or insoluble. I think I was really just frustrated by even trying to make sense of the experience of grief through the songs."
Stevens added, "I'm kind of embarrassed by this album, to be honest with you. Because I sort of feel like I don't have any authority over my mother and her life or experience or her death. All I have is speculation and my imagination and my own misery, and in trying to make sense of it all, I kind of felt like it didn't really resolve anything."
He went on to acknowledge that the music of Carrie & Lowell now has a consciousness beyond him, and he's grateful that it can exist beyond his intentions. "But I still don't feel good about myself for making these songs," Stevens admitted.
After sharing earlier this month that he was in a "state of repair and survival" while coping with the death of his long-term partner and recovering from the autoimmune disease Guillain-Barré, the singer-songwriter told Hilton that he's "doing pretty good," explaining, "It took me about six months to get back to walking again. And now I'm off all the adaptive equipment — you know, I was in a wheelchair for maybe two months, and then a walker, a rollator, a cane. But now I can walk and run and jump, and that's great."