Revealed: "10 Metal Things That Should Not Be"
Published Oct 02, 2009Some psychologists or psychiatrists - whoever tells you're crazy - say that the first step towards self-improvement is admitting your faults.
Well, we metallions here at Exclaim! are finally willing to say it: occasionally even something as great as heavy metal can take a misstep, can falter, if ever so slightly, leaving a truly horrendous aftermath in its wake.
It's rare and in metal's almost 40-year history (assuming it started around the release of Black Sabbath's Paranoid, which is pretty fair), there have been but a few of these calamities. That's assuming you take a very broad glance, mind you. And when we fuck up, we don't fuck around.
The fine folks at UK-based metal rag Metal Hammer have compiled these aberrations for what is a rather true and amusing read. To paraphrase a Metallica song title, these are the 10 "Metal" Things That Should Not Be.
You can find the original article here but to make it seem like we've done some work, we present the list below:
10 Metal Things That Should Not Be:
10. WICKED WISDOM
We're sure that Jada Pinkett Smith is lovely, but just because you're married to a film star and fancy a sing, it doesn't mean we want to hear it. Terrible band. Please stop.
His music evolved from atonal dirges to third-rate NIN rip-offs, but throughout it all the ex-Emperor man had the same stupid rubber face. Get back in your cave, you tit.
8. LIPSTICK AND HAIRSPRAY
The glam metal era was great fun, but did any of you people look at yourselves in the mirror? At least Dee Snider knew he looked like a wrestler in a frock. Shame on you.
7. NICKO MCBRAIN AND SOOTY
Maiden's drummer appeared with the ageless puppet on kids' TV during the '80s. Sadly, he's still sticking his hand up a bear's chuff, to the sound of zero laughter.
6. LIMP BIZKIT'S RETURN
You may think you like it ironically if not nostalgically, but either way in six months' time you'll be as embarrassed as you were in 2002. They've already sold 33 million records. Stop it.
5. ENORMOUS TROUSERS
You could make eight pairs of curtains out of single pair of these multi-zipped monstrosities. Thanks a lot, nu-metal. No wonder chavs take the piss.
Man with huge eyebrows quits piss poor boy band and reinvents himself as painfully earnest rock bloke. Nope, it's still that twit from Busted. Never forget, never forgive!
3. IRONIC HEADBANDS
Oh, you crazy screamo tykes! You're so post-modern! You look like tennis players from the '80s! Or that bloke from Dire Straits! Or total fucking idiots. Fuck off.
Don't worry. We do love Manowar. We're not mental. But what happens if one of Joey DeMaio's plums pops out? Or even his heavily-oiled winky? Oh God. *retch*
1. INSANE CLOWN POSSE
Have you ever met anyone that actually likes these fat, hairy gonk-faced retards? It's hip-hop for dribbling rednecks. Not insane, not clowns, not a posse. Rubbish.
This is kind of funny but seeing as what ICP does with their time - they once had a rivalry with Eminem - they do have a point: