The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption [Blu-Ray]

The magic of big budget Hollywood cinema comes from the ability to take humdrum locales and ridiculously costumed actors and transform them into an alternative reality that we buy. Perhaps it's just CGI, clever set design or intelligently rendered cinematography, but we embrace the world on screen and accept the fact that there are a bunch of adults in silly outfits playing make believe. The problem with The Scorpion King 3 is that we're not transported anywhere. Every moment of this redundant and unnecessary sequel reminds us that we're watching potentially mentally challenged adult men in crappy costumes run around in drab fields play fighting with fake weapons. It's embarrassing. Even more embarrassing are the many playful jabs about personal hygiene and fornicating with one's mother between fallen ruler Mathayus (Victor Webster) and his obese sidekick, Olaf (Bostin Christopher), as they look for a pendant, delay an army and search for a kidnapped girl, taking on paid contracts from various duelling factions, including Billy Zane and Ron Perlman. It all eventually leads to a battle with three ghosts ― a blonde Asian woman, a WWE champion and a UFC star ― in a protracted, sluggish sequence masked by frenetic editing. It's possible that fans of large, troglodytic men in loincloths will get something from watching them lumber around like apes throughout this terribly conceived and executed waste of celluloid, just as its possible that the image of many slender Asian women wearing little clothing while parading around giant phallic swords might sustain the runtime for many viewers. But beyond this, there's little point in wasting time with this mess, even for drinking game derision. Awkwardly, the Blu-Ray includes supplements on the "Making of" and the intense training and preparation the lead actors went through for the fight sequences, adding insult to injury. There's also a gag reel, which is odd, since the entire film seems like a poor joke. Still, it's better than In the Name of the King II.