Published Dec 20, 2011As a devout metalhead, listening to most Christmas music, especially the bland and tasteless stuff blared in every public space from December 1 onward, is about as pleasurable as having electrodes attached to my delicate lady parts. The alternative, listening to heavy metal Christmas albums, is somehow even worse. The hilarious badness of heavy metal holiday tunes is well documented; we even assembled a similar list back in 2009. The thing with the holiday abominations though is that musicians just keep on making them. A few of these are old and a few new, but all are uniformly awful.
Top 5 Worst Metal Christmas Albums 2011 Edition:
Stocking Stuffher Holiday EP
First of all, there's the title of this delightful little nugget of depravity. The imagery of sexy elves and naughty Mrs. Claus makes me as bored and nauseated as Christmas cake. The album is just as saccharine, featuring song titles like "Merry Axemas" and "You Smell Naughty." At least Killwhitneydead aren't taking themselves too seriously. The music itself is not super-terrible, as the songs are all remixes of Killwhitneydead tracls that don't suck to begin with. That said, I have to salute a band for taking their perfectly good material and shitting peppermint and pine needles all over it.
"Club of Souls" Christmas songs
While not an actual album, Theocracy's Christmas oeuvre deserves a mention on this list for sheer horribleness. Theocracy are a Christian progressive/power metal band from Athens, GA. The band are notable for being one of the few chosen to participate in the Metal Bible, an online version of the New Testament that also includes various contributions from assorted metalheads and metal musicians detailing their relationship with Christianity. It is even more terrifying than you can possibly imagine. Since 2003, Theocracy have released a Christmas song to their "Club of Souls" fanclub, sometimes merely a cover and other times an original composition, such as 2010's "All I Want for Christmas." The worst part? They've been subjecting us to this for over half a dozen years.
3. Holy Grail
Conceived of as a thank-you to fans after over a year of relentless touring to support Crisis in Utopia, only 500 copies -- 250 red, 250 green -- of this particular holiday disaster will be produced as a seven-inch. The single features covers of King Diamond's "No Presents for Christmas" and Rainbow's "Kill the King." There is something about a thrash revival band doing covers of already ill-advised metal Christmas songs that's a perfect winter cocktail of sugary liquor and defeat.