Published Dec 24, 2010Have you ever sat down and really thought about how much Santa Claus accomplishes in just one night? Every Christmas Eve jolly old Saint Nick takes to his sleigh and travels the world over to deliver those toys to all the girls and boys. Considering how much he packs into one night, you have to wonder if the big guy in red ever gets tired on his journey. And does he get bored eating a plate of cookies at every stop? Does his back crap out after a couple hours of doing chimney calisthenics? While it seems like he's been doing just fine over the years, here's betting he would gladly accept a helping hand if it were offered.
With that in mind, here are a couple of aesthetically pleasing Santa substitutes that could probably pull off the job. Just make sure you don't focus your eyes too hard if these holiday helpers slide down your slough.
Head to the next page to begin Santa's Top Five Substitutes: 5. Rick Rubin
Since we're talking about a Christmas makeover, why not bring out a bearded super-producer who has revamped a million careers? The one-time Def Jam owner has had a hand in reshaping the sounds of many, from his work on Johnny Cash's American Recordings series to the Dixie Chick's Grammy-winning game changer Taking the Long Way. The dude has also worked his magic on records by Slayer, Weezer, LL Cool J, the Gossip and Neil Diamond, among others. Chances are the O.G. Santa dropped one of these discs in your stocking at some point, so why not just go straight to the source to get your stuffers this year? 4. Daniel Higgs
Some would argue that Santa Claus's current getup owes more to the Coca-Cola Company than the birth of Jesus. If you were hoping for a more spiritual Saint Nick this year, might we suggest Daniel Higgs? The sometimes Lungfish singer's solo sets, including this year's fantastically challenging Say God, praise the Lord via banjo and squeezebox freak-outs and Higgs's surreal bleating. If "Up on the Rooftop" just isn't bringing you to a higher place, maybe you should make an offering of milk and cookies to this outsider gospel artist. 3. Will Oldham
No one should discredit Will Oldham's contributions to modern folk music, but the man also known as Bonnie "Prince" Billy is on this list for his uncanny sense of humour. After all, a huge part of the job is having a good "ho, ho, ho." While all those old Palace records still bring tears to our eyes, palling around with sleazy stand-up Neil Hamburger, parading around as a tough-as-nails farmer in Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" and his gorilla trainer role in Jackass 3D proves the performer loves to get jolly. 2. Tim Harrington
Although we kind of remember hearing something about mommy kissing Santa Claus, the holiday hero doesn't come across as much of a party guy. Slapping Kris Kringle's suit on Les Savy Fav wild man Tim Harrington could alter his good guy image forever. The bearded frontman usually can't help but strip to his skivvies during a performance, and nine times out of ten you'll find him rubbing his sweat-soaked chest wig all over some lucky fan. If you see this guy coming down your chimney, don't be surprised if he pounds a punch bowl of eggnog before shaking his bikini-briefed butt in your mom's face. You're guaranteed never to think of Santa the same way again. 1. Damian Abraham
If Santa does bring in the subs, can we Canadians call dibs on rowdy Fucked Up singer Damian Abraham? We already know how charitable the hirsute hardcore vocalist can be this time of year. Last year, he and his Fucked Up family delivered a punky cover of "Do They Know It's Christmas," which raised awareness for a number of causes, and this year the crew kept things spirited with a holiday performance on The Hour. It wouldn't be odd, then, to find the guy sliding down your slough to spread some Christmas cheer. There's only one downside of having Abraham fill in for Santa: considering how often the singer cuts open his forehead onstage, the notoriously blood-soaked frontman might gush crimson all over your carpet.