Revealed: How To Keep Your Metal T-Shirts Black

Revealed: How To Keep Your Metal T-Shirts Black
Since the dawn of metal, one question has plagued the thoughts of all self-respecting longhairs: How in Satan's great hell do you keep your blacks their blackest? Well, fear not, metalheads, your laundry problems have finally been solved.

The blog Atmospheric Black Metal Kitchen has bestowed "the darkest secrets of Laundromancy upon thee," now giving you the laundromatic tools to keep that black-as-black wardrobe in a perpetual state of radiant darkness. And all due to one blogger's consultation of the ancient tomes: her mother.

In the words of Atmospheric Black Metal Kitchen: "May it serve you well... in darkness":

1. WOOLITE IST KRIEG. Your precious metal shirts are meant to be handwashed, so as to preserve the ink prints and the integrity of the fabric. Woolite is expensive, but it is an investment in your metal cred. In recent years, WOOLITE DARK has been introduced, formulated for dark clothes exclusively. USE IT! Immortal would endorse no less.

2. COLD WASH ONLY. Allow your clothes to soak in waters as cold as the rivers of Blashyrkh itself, without agitation. HAND WASH, or use the "hand washables" cycle on your washing machine. Your precious metal shirts get enough violent agitation when you're wearing them in the mosh pit.

3. NEVER USE FABRIC SOFTENER ON METAL SHIRTS. "Softener" on a metal shirt? Are you kidding? Does the Snuggle bear really look like he knows the difference between Iron Maiden and Iron Angel? Not only should true metalheads welcome and relish unsoftness but fabric softener works by expanding the fibers of the fabric, thereby subjecting your battle armor to undue wear and tear. There's time for that later.

4. AIR DRY ONLY. Dryers are false metal. The cold north winds will serve you well. But keep them out of the sun's rays! The sun, as always, is the enemy of darkness.

Keeping it black